bad day, and having not so good thoughts ....
Things are taking a toll on me. Today was a really bad day, and bad thoughts are crossing my mind.
I'm sitting here with a glass of wine, wondering why the hell I even took my mother in over 2 years ago.
I'm wondering WHY doctors are allowing people to live longer, when their quality of life SUCKS !
They don't wanna live longer, yet they're afraid to die.
They don't want to eat.
They don't want to bathe.
They don't want to participate in daily activities.
They sure don't want 'help' from us caregivers.
And more often than not, we're the 'abused' ones.
My relationship with my husband has been compromised.
My LIFE is compromised.....
I was a different person before she came to live with me.
Now, EVERYTHING I DO, revolves around her.
It would be real easy to just 'check out'.......
And how may of us, in our desperation, have had thoughts of just ending it all.... for us, for them......
These are the dark, dark thoughts that invade this caregiver's mind, when she is over-tired, out of ideas, out of patience.
I'm not going to harm my mother.
I'm not going to harm myself.
I'm too much of a coward..... too guilty and too responsible except to do 'the right thing'.
Does anybody really knows what happens when you try to make things 'good' for an elderly parent,
when siblings can't help financially,
and you end up going bankrupt ?
When siblings rarely visit,
and YOU are the 'bad guy' for making your mother eat, and wear clean clothing, and bathe, and take her meds ?!
My Father was having mini-strokes when I was pregnant with my last daughter. She's now 14. He would call and say terrible, terrible things to me..... curse and swear so bad that we had to block their phone number. I went thru the entire pregnancy and delivery without either of my parents. In fact, my parents weren't there for ANY of my 3 daughters' births. He died when my daughter was 3 months old, and on his death bed, we promised to take care of my mother.
and now....
here we are, in the same, sinking boat.
I've ruined our lives here..... taking my mother in. And the more we do for her, the more she expects.
The 'right thing' may be good for THEM....
but for the caregivers, it can damage lives, families, relationships, marriages, bank accounts, mental and physical health......
THESE are the thoughts of one burned out caregiver.....
scared and tired and WISHING for things to be different.
bad day, and having not so good thoughts ....
Things are taking a toll on me. Today was a really bad day, and bad thoughts are crossing my mind.
I'm sitting here with a glass of wine, wondering why the hell I even took my mother in over 2 years ago.
I'm wondering WHY doctors are allowing people to live longer, when their quality of life SUCKS !
They don't wanna live longer, yet they're afraid to die.
They don't want to eat.
They don't want to bathe.
They don't want to participate in daily activities.
They sure don't want 'help' from us caregivers.
And more often than not, we're the 'abused' ones.
My relationship with my husband has been compromised.
My LIFE is compromised.....
I was a different person before she came to live with me.
Now, EVERYTHING I DO, revolves around her.
It would be real easy to just 'check out'.......
And how may of us, in our desperation, have had thoughts of just ending it all.... for us, for them......
These are the dark, dark thoughts that invade this caregiver's mind, when she is over-tired, out of ideas, out of patience.
I'm not going to harm my mother.
I'm not going to harm myself.
I'm too much of a coward..... too guilty and too responsible except to do 'the right thing'.
Does anybody really knows what happens when you try to make things 'good' for an elderly parent,
when siblings can't help financially,
and you end up going bankrupt ?
When siblings rarely visit,
and YOU are the 'bad guy' for making your mother eat, and wear clean clothing, and bathe, and take her meds ?!
My Father was having mini-strokes when I was pregnant with my last daughter. She's now 14. He would call and say terrible, terrible things to me..... curse and swear so bad that we had to block their phone number. I went thru the entire pregnancy and delivery without either of my parents. In fact, my parents weren't there for ANY of my 3 daughters' births. He died when my daughter was 3 months old, and on his death bed, we promised to take care of my mother.
and now....
here we are, in the same, sinking boat.
I've ruined our lives here..... taking my mother in. And the more we do for her, the more she expects.
The 'right thing' may be good for THEM....
but for the caregivers, it can damage lives, families, relationships, marriages, bank accounts, mental and physical health......
THESE are the thoughts of one burned out caregiver.....
scared and tired and WISHING for things to be different.
Dear Burned Out Caregiver, First, it sounds like you're such a responsible, caring person who made a promise to your dad that's making life for you and your family feel impossible. I'm a trained counselor who writes a blog on helping parents age well. One understandable, common mistake many adult children make is promising to care for a parent until the end--and then feel defeated and guilty due to the reality of the challenge.
Your mother may be suffering from depression--a good doctor would know that and medication can make a difference, making your mom easier to deal with. Or--and this may or may not be helpful but my husband and I subscribe to it: don't force stubborn parents to do anything they don't want to do. The act of forcing opens the door for them to take out their frustration/anger/whatever on you. There are creative ways to avoid those confrontations and get them to do what's right if they still think clearly; but one needs to know more specifics about your mother which I don't think are appropriate to share on a website.
While awful, your situation is not unique. If you can contact a family counseling agency, an experienced geriatric social worker (or one experienced in family counseling) has undoubtedly been through this with adult children many times and can provide specific help and support. These agencies (ie. your town's family counseling service, Catholic Charities, Jewish Family Community Services) work on a sliding scale, which means you pay according to what you can afford and if it's $1.00 that's it. But if you have health insurance it may pay.
Hoping this is helpful, *Susan
Dear Burned Out Caregiver, First, it sounds like you're such a responsible, caring person who made a promise to your dad that's making life for you and your family feel impossible. I'm a trained counselor who writes a blog on helping parents age well. One understandable, common mistake many adult children make is promising to care for a parent until the end--and then feel defeated and guilty due to the reality of the challenge.
Your mother may be suffering from depression--a good doctor would know that and medication can make a difference, making your mom easier to deal with. Or--and this may or may not be helpful but my husband and I subscribe to it: don't force stubborn parents to do anything they don't want to do. The act of forcing opens the door for them to take out their frustration/anger/whatever on you. There are creative ways to avoid those confrontations and get them to do what's right if they still think clearly; but one needs to know more specifics about your mother which I don't think are appropriate to share on a website.
While awful, your situation is not unique. If you can contact a family counseling agency, an experienced geriatric social worker (or one experienced in family counseling) has undoubtedly been through this with adult children many times and can provide specific help and support. These agencies (ie. your town's family counseling service, Catholic Charities, Jewish Family Community Services) work on a sliding scale, which means you pay according to what you can afford and if it's $1.00 that's it. But if you have health insurance it may pay.
Hoping this is helpful, *Susan
Hi - I cried when I read your post. I'm going through the same thing with my FIL at the moment. And I'm at the point where if someone asks me how I am, I tear up!
My husband and I sat down and talked this over yesterday... we've both about had as much as we can take. We've asked FIL to think this one through. Given him his options. Told him if he wants to stay on in our home, he lives by our rules and behaves. If he doesn't want our imposition on his life (having asked us to take him in, by the way), to let us know - we will return him to his home, once his daughters make appropriate arrangements for his care. We've given him today to think it over. We will sit down with him tomorrow, video camera in hand, and record, for posterity, what his "wishes" are ... but once he steps out of this house, our doors are closed to him for good... this isn't exactly a hotel / hospitality / travel service we're running here.
I've turned myself and my home and family inside out and upside down to cater to him ... well, no more. I've taken as much abuse as I am capable of ... if he wants to stay on in my home, it will be by my rules, and no give on my part. We're emphasising that it will be HIS CHOICE !
My heart goes out to you ... I think we all go through these horrible thoughts - I certainly do, on a daily basis. I try to wipe my mind clear every morning, but it's almost next to impossible now ! For what it's worth, HUGS ... know you're not alone !!
Hi - I cried when I read your post. I'm going through the same thing with my FIL at the moment. And I'm at the point where if someone asks me how I am, I tear up!
My husband and I sat down and talked this over yesterday... we've both about had as much as we can take. We've asked FIL to think this one through. Given him his options. Told him if he wants to stay on in our home, he lives by our rules and behaves. If he doesn't want our imposition on his life (having asked us to take him in, by the way), to let us know - we will return him to his home, once his daughters make appropriate arrangements for his care. We've given him today to think it over. We will sit down with him tomorrow, video camera in hand, and record, for posterity, what his "wishes" are ... but once he steps out of this house, our doors are closed to him for good... this isn't exactly a hotel / hospitality / travel service we're running here.
I've turned myself and my home and family inside out and upside down to cater to him ... well, no more. I've taken as much abuse as I am capable of ... if he wants to stay on in my home, it will be by my rules, and no give on my part. We're emphasising that it will be HIS CHOICE !
My heart goes out to you ... I think we all go through these horrible thoughts - I certainly do, on a daily basis. I try to wipe my mind clear every morning, but it's almost next to impossible now ! For what it's worth, HUGS ... know you're not alone !!