how can I get my husband to agree he needs more help
You asked, "How to I get my husband to agree that he needs more care than I can give him. I am really lucky in that we can afford to have someone come in and do some caregiving, but he is convinced that only I can do what he needs. He has parkinson's disease, is blind in one eye: he can walk, but wobbles and often needs a steadying hand. I could use some help in showering, and just to have some time without constantly listening if there is a fall, or a call to help him get up from the toilet. There is a large community help center here that screens people and can give you a suggestion on who to interview. I have found a few, one who loves to cook, one who is a nurse, and another who is a man, who speaks my husband's native tongue. But H retires to his bedroom when someone comes exclaiming "I don't need anyone.". When that happens I feel guilty and angry: guilty because I think maybe he is right, angry because I know he is not right and I need a respite. I have spoken with him about this, asking if he would like to interview people, help decide who does what, but he just turns away. Yes, I know depression can be one cause and the failure to accept his situation is a way of not having to deal with it. But any suggestions or ideas would be very helpful."
After years of this same problem, my husband contracted a urinary track infection and had a series of falls oe night. After 3 falls I called the ambulance. After 3 calls by the ambulance attedants he was taken to hospital. I refused to take him home ( I had had 8 years of sole caregiving) He is now in careand he is mad and unhappy. Sometimes it's hard--harder than I ever imagined but in my case--better to live with guilt than resentment. Don't make yourself sick-You can't be entirely responsible for his happiness and care. He has to help.
I put safety rails around the toilet, shower (Lowe's Building Center), a raised seat, bed rails, and an electric Scooter, etc. Since he choked on an oil laden shrimp (dysphagia), he's been given Provigil, and we're ordering an LSVT / Loud CD ($45).
This is exactly what I did. "I'm going out this afternoon, Sally is coming." No questions, no discussion. He often used to go up to his bedroom and didn't come down, but I decided that is his problem. Now we have a caregiver that he does like and although he always says, "Is he staying?" he knows that I am going out for awhile. I come back feeling better, and he knows that there is no discussion. The guilt: I am still working on but it is getting less and less, and he knows that I come back in a better, more cheerful and loving mood.
I agree!! Sometimes you have to force the issue for your own sanity. It's so difficult, but it's just like on the airplane when they say for you to take the oxygen mask first before putting it on your child. You're of no help to them if you're lacking oxygen!
