I just turned 23, and I don't know how to cope
My dad was diagnosed about 5 with mestasticised colon cancer. 2 years ago, he had surgery to remove a tumor in his liver and underwent chemotherapy as a "precaution", according to the doctor.
Well, now his cancer has spread to his liver. His outlook isn't good, despite my encouragement.
To make a long story short, is that this problem has permeated through my life. He has no one to turn to because my mom is too wrapped up in her own problems to make him comfortable with relying upon her.
I also work with my parents 5 days a week. During these days, I have to go through the office listening to my mom bring up how bad my dad's comdition is, and how everyone should be nicer because of it.
She tells me details about his behavior at home, like he feels depressed, he won't sleep with her in bed anymore, he isn't eating correctly, he is only happy when I'm around, etc. This puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me because I feel like I'm the only person in his life that can make a difference on him emotionally.
She tells me how hard the situation is on her, how she is on anti-depressants, how she doesn't know what shes going to do when he dies, and how frustrated at him she is.
He, I feel, can't turn to my mother because she has the attitude, "This is all happening to me..." and won't consider the EXTREMELY hard time my dad is going through. So he turns to me. He has told me their marital problems, told me stories about my mother and how she isn't there for him, very personal health problems he is having, how hopeless he feels, how he wakes up at night and wants to call me because he feels so alone, how now he is on anti-depressant medication, etc.
In the midst of worrying about their health problems (my mom has them too that she tells me about, but thank-goodness she also doesn't have cancer), my personal life has started to suffer. I feel like they ust unload on me all their problems in the world.
Being the person I am, I want to fix them. So when they tell me how much I cheer them up when I'm around, I feel compelled to keep coming over to keep them company. But I feel like I have been trying to fix them or trying to ease their burdens so much lately by listening and sacrificing my time, that it is damaging my relationships and my mental health.
My mom is about 56 and my day is 47. They both still work. So the situation isn't so dire as I feel like they make it out to be to me. I feel as if I am taken advantage of because they know I sacrifice my happiness all the time, for others.
But I am angry at my mom for being so selfish. I am angry at her for her outlook of, "This is all happening to me, and I don't have the time or energy to help my husband beat this at whatever cost."
For heavens sake, they made me go into the doctors office in the same room as my dad when he was getting his diagnosis. Thats the same day my mother said, "I knew a guy who was diagnosed with lung cancer and then he died 5 weeks later."
I feel as if I am at my wit's end. They don't seem to notice how it is effecting me. I know I sound selfish saying that, but it is effecting my relationship with my boyfriend because I feel like I am overflowing with stress from hearing all my parent's problems, that I can't find the space to listen to my bf's problems as well.
And I am so angry. I have began noticing a trend in my behavior. I get angry at my mom for telling me something that isn't my business or something negative that just brings me down, and I don't say anything. Then I notice I take out that anger on other people around me.
Why don't I tell my parent's how I feel, you might ask? Well I did. A month ago before I turned 23, I told them I wasn't able to cope with this kind of pressure. I told them, I'm only 22, I don't know what to do, and it isn't fair to tell me about your guys' marital problems. I told them it is effecting my life. I even didn't go to Thanksgiving to drive my point home.
But no one even noticed. No one has said, "Thanks for being there to listen to all the depressing things happening to your parent's lives right now, and hey, how is it all effecting you?" They just keep telling me things and keep expecting me to sacrifice my time over and over.
I know my dads problems are bigger than mine. And I understand why he comes to me with his problems, and thats because my mom won't listen to him. But I feel so alone these days and angry. Although I would never do it, I selfishly thought about intentionally wrecking my car yesterday just so it would all stop.
I am a recovering bulimic. I have been recovering for about 6 or 7 months now. I never recall having my parents listen to me when I needed them most during all the years I was bulimic. I set out on my own eventually and went to a therapist who told me I was the worst case she had ever seen, and she told me I could die if I didn't stop asap. But my mother never brought up my sickly condition, she never offered help, never gave me help when I blatantly asked for it. My dad tried to help a little, but that was after he told me to hide it from my mother.
The point is, I am not surprised that they are unconcerned about how I am dealing with this.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation, and if so, what did you do about it?
I just turned 23, and I don't know how to cope
My dad was diagnosed about 5 with mestasticised colon cancer. 2 years ago, he had surgery to remove a tumor in his liver and underwent chemotherapy as a "precaution", according to the doctor.
Well, now his cancer has spread to his liver. His outlook isn't good, despite my encouragement.
To make a long story short, is that this problem has permeated through my life. He has no one to turn to because my mom is too wrapped up in her own problems to make him comfortable with relying upon her.
I also work with my parents 5 days a week. During these days, I have to go through the office listening to my mom bring up how bad my dad's comdition is, and how everyone should be nicer because of it.
She tells me details about his behavior at home, like he feels depressed, he won't sleep with her in bed anymore, he isn't eating correctly, he is only happy when I'm around, etc. This puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me because I feel like I'm the only person in his life that can make a difference on him emotionally.
She tells me how hard the situation is on her, how she is on anti-depressants, how she doesn't know what shes going to do when he dies, and how frustrated at him she is.
He, I feel, can't turn to my mother because she has the attitude, "This is all happening to me..." and won't consider the EXTREMELY hard time my dad is going through. So he turns to me. He has told me their marital problems, told me stories about my mother and how she isn't there for him, very personal health problems he is having, how hopeless he feels, how he wakes up at night and wants to call me because he feels so alone, how now he is on anti-depressant medication, etc.
In the midst of worrying about their health problems (my mom has them too that she tells me about, but thank-goodness she also doesn't have cancer), my personal life has started to suffer. I feel like they ust unload on me all their problems in the world.
Being the person I am, I want to fix them. So when they tell me how much I cheer them up when I'm around, I feel compelled to keep coming over to keep them company. But I feel like I have been trying to fix them or trying to ease their burdens so much lately by listening and sacrificing my time, that it is damaging my relationships and my mental health.
My mom is about 56 and my day is 47. They both still work. So the situation isn't so dire as I feel like they make it out to be to me. I feel as if I am taken advantage of because they know I sacrifice my happiness all the time, for others.
But I am angry at my mom for being so selfish. I am angry at her for her outlook of, "This is all happening to me, and I don't have the time or energy to help my husband beat this at whatever cost."
For heavens sake, they made me go into the doctors office in the same room as my dad when he was getting his diagnosis. Thats the same day my mother said, "I knew a guy who was diagnosed with lung cancer and then he died 5 weeks later."
I feel as if I am at my wit's end. They don't seem to notice how it is effecting me. I know I sound selfish saying that, but it is effecting my relationship with my boyfriend because I feel like I am overflowing with stress from hearing all my parent's problems, that I can't find the space to listen to my bf's problems as well.
And I am so angry. I have began noticing a trend in my behavior. I get angry at my mom for telling me something that isn't my business or something negative that just brings me down, and I don't say anything. Then I notice I take out that anger on other people around me.
Why don't I tell my parent's how I feel, you might ask? Well I did. A month ago before I turned 23, I told them I wasn't able to cope with this kind of pressure. I told them, I'm only 22, I don't know what to do, and it isn't fair to tell me about your guys' marital problems. I told them it is effecting my life. I even didn't go to Thanksgiving to drive my point home.
But no one even noticed. No one has said, "Thanks for being there to listen to all the depressing things happening to your parent's lives right now, and hey, how is it all effecting you?" They just keep telling me things and keep expecting me to sacrifice my time over and over.
I know my dads problems are bigger than mine. And I understand why he comes to me with his problems, and thats because my mom won't listen to him. But I feel so alone these days and angry. Although I would never do it, I selfishly thought about intentionally wrecking my car yesterday just so it would all stop.
I am a recovering bulimic. I have been recovering for about 6 or 7 months now. I never recall having my parents listen to me when I needed them most during all the years I was bulimic. I set out on my own eventually and went to a therapist who told me I was the worst case she had ever seen, and she told me I could die if I didn't stop asap. But my mother never brought up my sickly condition, she never offered help, never gave me help when I blatantly asked for it. My dad tried to help a little, but that was after he told me to hide it from my mother.
The point is, I am not surprised that they are unconcerned about how I am dealing with this.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation, and if so, what did you do about it?
Correction: Her was diagnosed with mestasticised colon cancer 5 months ago. 2 years ago he had surgery for a tumor in his liver.
Correction: Her was diagnosed with mestasticised colon cancer 5 months ago. 2 years ago he had surgery for a tumor in his liver.
First of all, let me tell you I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I think you are doing a great job of coping at age 23. I don't think I would have coped as well at your age!
I hope you are still seeing a therapist. If not, please consider doing so. This is a situation that requires the help of an expert to sort out.
Please remember you are NOT responsible for your dad's cancer, his well-being, or your mother's well-being. They are adults who are equipped to handle what life throws at them.
YOUR responsibility is to yourself. You need to make sure you maintain your health and provide support to your parents to the extent that you can. In short, what I'm saying is: set boundaries.
Metastasized cancer is never a good diagnosis. But you cannot "cure" either your dad or your mom. Remember that.
Best wishes and kind regards to you, Elizabeth Shean
First of all, let me tell you I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I think you are doing a great job of coping at age 23. I don't think I would have coped as well at your age!
I hope you are still seeing a therapist. If not, please consider doing so. This is a situation that requires the help of an expert to sort out.
Please remember you are NOT responsible for your dad's cancer, his well-being, or your mother's well-being. They are adults who are equipped to handle what life throws at them.
YOUR responsibility is to yourself. You need to make sure you maintain your health and provide support to your parents to the extent that you can. In short, what I'm saying is: set boundaries.
Metastasized cancer is never a good diagnosis. But you cannot "cure" either your dad or your mom. Remember that.
Best wishes and kind regards to you, Elizabeth Shean
Wow! You are carrying so much at such a young age. While reading your post I was struck by the reversal of rolls in your family. Your parents are both burdening you with issues that belong between them, or that should be shared with a best friend. You are not their friend; you are their child, regardless of your age.
Their illnesses are not reason enough to use you emotionally and physically without restraint. I'm sure they didn't intend to fall into this pattern with you. The best of us get warn down by the illnesses and responsibilities you and your parents have been faced with. They obviously feel safe with you and consider you a bright, caring young woman. They must be so proud of you. That said, there is no reason you should believe that it is you who is ultimately responsible for their happiness and comfort. Read your posting again. I can feel the stress and fear that you will fail them. I can also feel the very healthy desire to live your life as someone your age should; finding your place in the world as an individual, finding a love of your own... Yes a caring daughter will give her parents a hand, make sacrifices when their is a crisis, listen to the occasional angry or tearful meltdown that comes with the frustrations of being fifty plus. You've done that and apparently a lot more. You learned a great deal from your therapist, and how great it is that you have come so far already. Amazing! To keep moving forward I think you know what you have to do. You've got to hand them back those responsibilities that are theirs. It's alright. they are adults. They will manage. They might not like it but they are on their own journey. They can't have yours as well. Unless you let them. Anybody in their fifties or older (I am one of them) has survived endless problems, large and small. Ask anyone, and if they are honest they will tell you life has been full of setbacks, losses and stress. One disaster gives way to another. Then at some point we or someone we love start to experience life threatening health issues. Those of us with heart hang on to all the joys along the way and live with the problems. We have tantrums and crying jags sometimes, then get on with it.
Your no parents are no different, except that they have gotten used to using you as a buffer between them and their problems. If you step out of the way, I can guarantee they will replace you with another shoulder to cry on, or grow up some more. When a parent continues to enable an adult child by paying their bills, raising their children for them and giving them a home repeatedly and endlessly, everyone else can see that the parent has to start dealing in tough love. You seem to be the parent in this scenario. Time to let go? You shouldn't need their acknowledgment that you are a good caring daughter. You are. Own it.
Wow! You are carrying so much at such a young age. While reading your post I was struck by the reversal of rolls in your family. Your parents are both burdening you with issues that belong between them, or that should be shared with a best friend. You are not their friend; you are their child, regardless of your age.
Their illnesses are not reason enough to use you emotionally and physically without restraint. I'm sure they didn't intend to fall into this pattern with you. The best of us get warn down by the illnesses and responsibilities you and your parents have been faced with. They obviously feel safe with you and consider you a bright, caring young woman. They must be so proud of you. That said, there is no reason you should believe that it is you who is ultimately responsible for their happiness and comfort. Read your posting again. I can feel the stress and fear that you will fail them. I can also feel the very healthy desire to live your life as someone your age should; finding your place in the world as an individual, finding a love of your own... Yes a caring daughter will give her parents a hand, make sacrifices when their is a crisis, listen to the occasional angry or tearful meltdown that comes with the frustrations of being fifty plus. You've done that and apparently a lot more. You learned a great deal from your therapist, and how great it is that you have come so far already. Amazing! To keep moving forward I think you know what you have to do. You've got to hand them back those responsibilities that are theirs. It's alright. they are adults. They will manage. They might not like it but they are on their own journey. They can't have yours as well. Unless you let them. Anybody in their fifties or older (I am one of them) has survived endless problems, large and small. Ask anyone, and if they are honest they will tell you life has been full of setbacks, losses and stress. One disaster gives way to another. Then at some point we or someone we love start to experience life threatening health issues. Those of us with heart hang on to all the joys along the way and live with the problems. We have tantrums and crying jags sometimes, then get on with it.
Your no parents are no different, except that they have gotten used to using you as a buffer between them and their problems. If you step out of the way, I can guarantee they will replace you with another shoulder to cry on, or grow up some more. When a parent continues to enable an adult child by paying their bills, raising their children for them and giving them a home repeatedly and endlessly, everyone else can see that the parent has to start dealing in tough love. You seem to be the parent in this scenario. Time to let go? You shouldn't need their acknowledgment that you are a good caring daughter. You are. Own it.
Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for replying. I feel like if I don't deal with everyone's problems, that I am deficient in some way. That I should be able to grin and pretend nothing is wrong. It took me a long to accept that I am not superwoman... and longer to defend myself in this particular situation. I still am afraid to stand up for myself.
But after I wrote this post, I tried my hardest to let my parents know that I couldn't take it anymore. As I said, they were always hard to talk to regarding my feelings, ever since I can remember. When I lived at home, I would try everything, telling them nicely, writing them letters, and eventually screaming, just so I could feel heard.
My boyfriend has been there for me through this and he is the person that told me I need to start standing up for myself and letting them know I am not an emotional dumping ground. So afround Thanksgiving I wrote them a letter, explaining how this was effecting me. Then I wrote another letter. Then I talked to them in person.
Nothing changed and I realized they weren't listening to me just like they weren't when I was living at home. So, I brought in my boyfriend as backup, after I wrote this post. I knew that if someone other than me told me how I was dealing with this, they might listen.
Well they got upset and they over reacted, told me I ruined Christmas and how if I didn't call, they were going to take all our Christmas gifts back. Even though that hurt, I felt better than I had in a long time, because I actually got a reaction from them... even if the reaction was anger and not understanding.
After a few days of not talking, my dad apologized to me and said he cared about my feelings. This is the first time I have ever heard something like that. On top of that, my mom was understanding to my plight.
Hopefully they will continue to be understanding and stop treating me like I'm made of stone. If they do it again, I will try to stick up for myself again.
I thought standing up for myself would feel selfish. I talked to a few other people about this issue and now I see that Elizabeth, you are right: my responsibility is to myself, first. And it is okay to not be able to handle everything without feeling any emotion.
Like I said, I hope they still feel understanding to me in a week. We will see.
Thanks again.
Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for replying. I feel like if I don't deal with everyone's problems, that I am deficient in some way. That I should be able to grin and pretend nothing is wrong. It took me a long to accept that I am not superwoman... and longer to defend myself in this particular situation. I still am afraid to stand up for myself.
But after I wrote this post, I tried my hardest to let my parents know that I couldn't take it anymore. As I said, they were always hard to talk to regarding my feelings, ever since I can remember. When I lived at home, I would try everything, telling them nicely, writing them letters, and eventually screaming, just so I could feel heard.
My boyfriend has been there for me through this and he is the person that told me I need to start standing up for myself and letting them know I am not an emotional dumping ground. So afround Thanksgiving I wrote them a letter, explaining how this was effecting me. Then I wrote another letter. Then I talked to them in person.
Nothing changed and I realized they weren't listening to me just like they weren't when I was living at home. So, I brought in my boyfriend as backup, after I wrote this post. I knew that if someone other than me told me how I was dealing with this, they might listen.
Well they got upset and they over reacted, told me I ruined Christmas and how if I didn't call, they were going to take all our Christmas gifts back. Even though that hurt, I felt better than I had in a long time, because I actually got a reaction from them... even if the reaction was anger and not understanding.
After a few days of not talking, my dad apologized to me and said he cared about my feelings. This is the first time I have ever heard something like that. On top of that, my mom was understanding to my plight.
Hopefully they will continue to be understanding and stop treating me like I'm made of stone. If they do it again, I will try to stick up for myself again.
I thought standing up for myself would feel selfish. I talked to a few other people about this issue and now I see that Elizabeth, you are right: my responsibility is to myself, first. And it is okay to not be able to handle everything without feeling any emotion.
Like I said, I hope they still feel understanding to me in a week. We will see.
Thanks again.
Laffanyway,
Thank you so much for responding. Sorry I didn't address your post sooner, but I didn't see it.
I didn't expect to have this much support regarding this problem. I was almost certain that people would be telling me that I just need to swallow my emotions and be there for my parents during this extremely rough time. Afterall, I am not the one with cancer.
Thats the kind of stuff I tell myself. But it is because of the people who, like you, told me that this isn't how it should be, that I took a stand. Like I said in my above comment, my parents have a tough time really hearing me. But I knew they would listen to someone else.
It sounds extreme, but nothing else had worked. I tried to tell them that I couldn't carry their burdens but they didn't listen. I was lucky enough to have my boyfriend who helped me get through to them. I feel relieved now that I might have gotten through to them... possibly for the first time ever.
And you are right- I am afraid of letting them down. There is a big part of me that just wants to pretend it doesn't bother me, but doing so has had a negative impact on my life.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement and support. It felt really nice to have people tell me it's ok to feel how I feel and that I should take a stand. I love my parents and I want to be the best person I can be, but I know I can't lose sight of myself while doing so.
Laffanyway,
Thank you so much for responding. Sorry I didn't address your post sooner, but I didn't see it.
I didn't expect to have this much support regarding this problem. I was almost certain that people would be telling me that I just need to swallow my emotions and be there for my parents during this extremely rough time. Afterall, I am not the one with cancer.
Thats the kind of stuff I tell myself. But it is because of the people who, like you, told me that this isn't how it should be, that I took a stand. Like I said in my above comment, my parents have a tough time really hearing me. But I knew they would listen to someone else.
It sounds extreme, but nothing else had worked. I tried to tell them that I couldn't carry their burdens but they didn't listen. I was lucky enough to have my boyfriend who helped me get through to them. I feel relieved now that I might have gotten through to them... possibly for the first time ever.
And you are right- I am afraid of letting them down. There is a big part of me that just wants to pretend it doesn't bother me, but doing so has had a negative impact on my life.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement and support. It felt really nice to have people tell me it's ok to feel how I feel and that I should take a stand. I love my parents and I want to be the best person I can be, but I know I can't lose sight of myself while doing so.
You have gotten very good advice, and I really don't have much else to add. I commend you on realizing you need to care for yourself first. Its ok to set boundaries with your parents. Make sure you stick to them. Your parents will test it, see how much they can push, but eventually if you hold your ground they will realize you are not giving in.
You have gotten very good advice, and I really don't have much else to add. I commend you on realizing you need to care for yourself first. Its ok to set boundaries with your parents. Make sure you stick to them. Your parents will test it, see how much they can push, but eventually if you hold your ground they will realize you are not giving in.