Who else would give up the Caregiver "Job" if you could?
I would. My Dad is in assisted living with dementia and diabetes. I take care of all his bills, and everything he needs that the assisted living facility doesn't provide (clothes, doctor's visits etc). I visit him regularly and handle all problems that arise (his teeth hurt, he needs a dentist - his chair is soaked with urine, he needs a vinyl one).
I love my Dad VERY MUCH. But sometimes I wish someone ELSE would do this "job." I am a single mom, I work full time and I have a lovely little boy who is in preschool. I wish I had more time to spend on my OWN life and son and MY bills.
People always say to me, "Oh, you are such a good daughter." Well, yes, I am. But deep down, in my heart, I wish another family member would do this care-giving part.
But they won't. (I have asked. It will never, ever happen). I am finally at peace with that reality but I sure don't like it.
Sometimes, I just resent all this. I resent the choices that my Dad made after my parents' divorce and in how he lived his life (and managed his health) that got him to this point. And then I feel guilty for thinking that.
Does anyone else wish that the Caregiving Fairy would just come along and "POOF!" take care of everything?
Yes. For sure. Definitely. My mom lives with me and I don't get enough time for myself. A Caregiving Fairy would be wonderful.
I also feel resentful at times and angry about decisions my mom has made about her health in the past. I also get the "you are a good daughter" and I feel guilty because only I know how I truly feel. Ugh.
Hang in there.
I did it for years. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would NEVER have done it.
I lost so much taking care of a bitter, hateful person. As I have never rented, that affects finding an apartment. It affected my resume. It affected my social life and social skills.
I am actually going to put CAREGIVER on my resume. It will explain a lot of my employment gap, since caregiving did limit my job options. And was a full time gig.
I think a lot of the time, it depends on the person you are caring for, and the type of relationship you have/had.
I took care of my grandparents for almost 5 years. I grew very close to my grandpa, and while there were days I felt at the end of my rope, I wouldn't change that time for anything. He is the best guy I know, ALWAYS willing to help others and it was my privilege to now help him.
He passed away a few months ago. Now its me and my grandmother, and I am getting ready to walk away from caregiving/taking care of her. She is nothing like my grandpa, is the complete opposite. I am angry all the time, and have a hard time just being civil to her. I recognize that this is not fair to her and I just can't do this anymore. She refuses to even consider assisted living. So I've let her know that I am moving out and a friend of hers has moved in.
I'm currently in that state of I wish it was someone else doing this other than me of caring for my 81-yr old mom, who has diabetes and is now on insulin (which I have to give her shots every night), has heart problems (with a pacemaker), depression, and dementia. She lives with us, just bought a bigger house for all of us - my mom, my husband, our 2 little girls, and myself. I feel completely overwhelmed with everything, feeling trapped, and resentful that she is taking time away from my 2 girls and my husband. We are unable to go on family trips, like my brother is able to do, as he has no worries about mom because his little sister is doing it. So I feel resentful towards him too and actually envious of him too. Yeah, I wish the caregiving fairy would come along to my house too. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I was thinking being a mom alone was hard, but having to do both at the same time...it's making even harder. Plus I think some of the acting out that I'm dealing with currently with my girls is because of the living situation with my mom living with us. I don't know what to do. HUGS to you and you are not alone in this type of situation.
Oh! How I wish I had a care giving fairy… I take care of my 76 year old mother that has severe COPD. She grip’s every time she has to take her meds and she has been taking them for years. She takes about sixteen pills a day and I have to give them to her when it is time. I have to set an alarm so I know when to give what. Has trouble with blood pressure and have to take it all throughout the day so I’ll know whether to give regular meds or add another if it’s too high or take one away if it’s too low. She takes prednisone and wants to eat all the time and I try to get her to eat healthy foods and it makes her mad. She is on salt restricted diet and she’s always mad because I want give her the salt shaker. I feel bad for her because I know she is very sick. Mom weighs 118 pounds I weigh 92 pounds and when she is very weak I cannot get her down the two steps out my back door by myself because I’m afraid she will fall with me holding her and I want be able to keep her from it . So we do not get out very much but to go to the doctor. I hear her on phone telling my sister she doesn’t every get to go anywhere but the doctor and it makes me feel really bad because after I cater to her all day every day I don’t feel like doing very much. She told me she did not like it here and that I was mean. Hurt my feelings and I told her I would take her home and she could get two of her other children to take care of her. She got quiet for a moment and then said I guess I would be better off in ole folks home. I told her I would take her if she wanted to go. I have not heard anything else from that. Today I explained to her I was her care giver and that I was sorry that I had to make her take her meds and no salt and make her walk as much as she can but that is what care givers do. I also told her I missed being her daughter and felt as if I wasn’t any more because she is always so mad at me. She accused me of wanting to start something, so I let the conversation end. I have noticed this afternoon she has tried a little to treat me like a daughter and it felt good. Yes Yes Yes I wish there was a fairy care giver so I could be a daughter again. I miss it so very much.
Yes, I would do it yesterday. I am preparing to move us to where my sister lives because California does nothing for the elderly that are low income and are still able to walk. My sister's state will pay us to be caregivers and pay a portion of the rent. If we didn't do this, I know I would end up with a cardiac arrest because not only do I not have the energy to take care of her but she's extremely mentally abusive.
I have to say I'm right with you gals with this care giving , it horrid to have to be a 24/7 care giver ! I just retried last year and was enjoying all the things I wanted to do , sewing ,knitting ,painting and making dolls. Well 5 months ago we got the shock of our lives when FIL died and found out MIL has ALZ . She is now with us and I hate hate hate it as my whole day consists of picking out her clothes ,makes sure she baths , feeding ,keeping her entertained the list goes on and on . I haven't had the time to do any of the things that I want to do and never mind I don't even have 5 min of my hubbies time any more . If someone said I'll take her I couldn't get her out of my door fast enough .
I hear you loud and clear. For your sake and the sake of your marriage, I'm wondering if she would qualify for nursing home care via Medicaid/Medical. Their requirements are usually that the person isn't able to walk, bath themselves, and/or feed themselves.
KIm ,,,,, apparantly she doesn't qualify for a NH in my area ( Canada ) because she is still able to get around . We could put her in a NH at full cost of $5,500. a month !! She doesn't have that kind of money . if she did qualify it would cost 70% of her income which is a lot more resonable .We have had to take over all her affairs , POA , all her medical needs apt etc. Then she has no clue how to feed her self ,dress, what time of day or what month were in . It's like just taking care a body that keeps following you around and repeating herself all day long . I feel really bad for her as she doesn't deserve this but either do I !! When she was well and when hubby and I were first married she wasn't the kindest person to me ,Oh wait she was when she wanted something so this makes it all the tougher for me to put up with.
I am so sorry to hear all of that. My mother was not "bad enough" for a NH for a long time either. It hit me one day that when taking care of people with Dementia or Alzheimer's is like being a character in that movie called 50 First Dates. I hope you got a chuckle from that. Coincidentally, my mom is originally from Manitoba. I relate with you on the cost of a NH. We don't have any savings or much of an income so couldn't pay for it ourselves either. I really think this caregiving thing is like the worst kind of victimization. You are being abused but the person doesn't even realize they are doing it to you. Taking care of them is so tiring too. What a minute. Would she qualify for hospice? Here in the states a doctor determines that the person most likely has 6 months or less to live. Medicare pays for everything related to the terminal illness. That might help you a great deal. They provide nurse visits, bathing assistance, medications, one ambulance transportation trip, clergyman visits. etc.
Hi Kim ,,,,,,,,,,,, Wow we just moved MIL from Manitba 5 months ago . we now live on Vancouver island . We do have respite but we are on a waiting list , it's been 2 1/2 months of waiting so far and no word when they will be coming . if and when she does go they will pick her up in the morning and go to a day camp of activities . I think that will help me out when it starts .
Some days she is ok but other days I just want to run away , thanks for listening . hugs
Oh wow! My mom was born in Winnipeg but raised in Beausejour. Did you know there's a book about Beausejour? We have a copy. It's called They Stopped in a Good Place. Her father (David McAlister) was one of those entrepreunerial jack of all trades. He had a hardware store, ice cream parlor, funeral director business, managed a hockey team, auctioneered and probably more stuff I don't know about.
Kim ,,,,,well isn't it a small world, My family are still in Wpg . I didn't know Beausejour had a book , I will have to look that up . Beausejour is a beautiful area and my hubby and I use to go and golf there all the time . loved that course .ok got to run , MIL is calling grrrr. take care . Gabby
I'm in the midst of writing my elected officials. I want them to hear the horror story I endured.
I want rights for Family Caregivers. I want them to be able to walk away if it gets to be too much. I don't want the elder to be able to threaten to pick up the phone if we don't do what they want.
3 pages so far....
Also...if the elder threatens to kick you out constantly....we should just be able to say "I'm outta here, sign this" and leave without the threat of criminal charges.
I agree. There should at the least be a document we could file with authorities to inform them that we take care of people with decreased mental states and to not necessarily take them at their word. I have also read on caring.com of stories where the patient sued their caregiver for stealing their money when it was actually used for the patient's prescriptions and groceries. Some gratitude would be nice.
My grandmother accused me of stealing her money. Stealing her medications (and we always found it was up for refill/renewal). In one case, she told her visiting nurse she was not going to take it. Then it disappeared. I went through the trash and found it wrapped in a poise pad.
Then I was tampering with her food.
The whole thing is frightening, that 1 phone call from her, and I would be needing a lawyer.
Yes and those that don't know what it's like to be caregiver, say "well your parent took care of you so now it's your turn." It is so not the same. I very much want to work on legislation to improve things but have no idea how or where to start. Does anyone have any ideas?
I'm working on the same.
Your best best is contact your elected officials with your story, some fact, and a link to this site so they can see it is not just a few people, but a lot.
It is not like a parent taking care of a baby they wanted. It is very much like taking care of a 100+ lb "terrible two" who can bitch at you and blackmail you. At least the baby doesn't call you a "f%&*ng bi%$h" and threaten you.
...
My letter is still in the draft stage, but is now 3 pages, plus an additional 3 pages of proposals. We caregivers need protection, too.
I feel caregivers need to be given training and certification on basic first aid, CPR, etc, and prove they can perform it. We also need protection against the "Elder Abuse Charges". We need to know where to go for assistance when we need it. And we need to be able to bypass HIPAA laws - caregivers should have 100% details of the elders medical conditions, medications, etc. And have the right to be with them at medical appointments.
Keep track of thing it cost you...if you divorce because of taking care of someone, it needs to be known. If you have to spend your savings to do so.....you get the idea. How it affects your/your families lives.
They cannot be forced into a nursing home.
My mom and I both have disabilities that are medically documented, but still had to take care of Grandmother.
One of the days I had to lift Grandmother off the toilet...I have a 20-lb lifting restriction due to a car accident that almost left me a paraplegic. Imagine lifting a 100 lb person off the toilet, getting them into their wheelchair...
...and then they bitch that you were too rough.
As for the "My parent took care of me" argument...my PARENT made the choice to give birth to me. I had no choice in taking care of my grandmother.
Actually, you DID have a choice regarding your grandmother. We ALWAYS have choices.
I, too, am caring for my 87 y/o mom. Yes, it is time consuming. Yes, I don't have the time to do everything I wanted to do when I retired. Yes, my husband and I see little of each other. Yes, I get tired. Yes, I have siblings that don't support keeping our mom in her own home, so therefore have "washed their hands of me and of her." Yes, I sometimes wonder if I made the correct decision, wonder if my husband and I will ever get to do any of the traveling that we planned for after retirement. Yes, I had to "quit" my job (retire 12 years early), to take care of my mom. Yes, I spend my time making and keeping doctor's appointments, getting groceries she wants, worrying because she is down to 85 lbs and "isn't hungry" Yes, I take care of the finances, bills, etc. Yes, I catch the brunt of her anger because she can't do everything she used to do. Yes, she is cranky and irritable. Yes, I answer the same questions over and over. And so forth.
But I CHOSE to do this, and it is my PRIVILEDGE to help her in her last years. Does that make me a saint? Heck no. Until she became ill, she was a loving and generous mother - always put her 4 children before herself. I would be unhappy if I could not do for her in this time of her need. BTY - I have diabetes, triple cartiac artery bypass, have had two knee replacements that still cause pain, am overweight, and have two grown children that I still worry about (one being a daughter that suffers from severe anxiety attacks and depression that put her housebound for weeks at a time.) I also helped Mom take care of my Dad when he was dx. with Alzheimer's - he died in '95.
My mother and I had NO CHOICE.
She could not be forced into a nursing home. She would not go into one voluntarily. She could not live alone.
What kind of person would I be to say "I'm outta here, and leaving you to figure it out yourself?"
In the last months, however, when she was absolutely refusing a nursing home, and we both wanted out - we were told we could be charged with Elder Abuse. Leave her alone for too long - face arrest and Elder Abuse charges.
We didn't have a choice either !! MIl was living 2 provences away, FIl died and she was left to take care of herself. She was under weight, high blood pressure and the list when on and on . Keep in mind we were never told she was having memory loss. We only realized something was wrong when we were home for a visit when FIL was ill and when he died .We could not belive how bad she was . We tried to get her to come home with us after the funeral and she refused. Two months went by and DH decided to fly in and see how she was doing , she lost more weight ,food was rotting in the fridge etc . So he talked her into comeing for a visit and we kept her here against her for her own safety .We have done all the right things as far as her health but we are stuck with her untill we can get her into a NH which could take many more months oc waiting . The only other thing we could of done was take her to the Hospital and leave her there and let them deal with it. choices we had none .
cbs, I understand what you're saying about choices. However, like DolphinsCry, I and many others do not have as many choices available to them. For me because I didn't make much income when I was working I didn't having any kind of savings and because my dad didn't either and didn't invest in a life insurance policy he left my mom penniless and on social security only. So we couldn't afford even one hour of caregiving fees as well as all of our expenses for the one bedroom apartment we shared. Granted we were in California and the rent is high there. She also didn't qualify for a nursing home because she could walk, groom herself and feed herself. However, the only way I could be there with her during the day and night was by not working outside of the home. You have a husband so you either have one or two incomes. From reading stories on caring.com, I know there are many people in this situation. It's very stressful. Yes, we are doing for our parents because we love them. It is the only thing that keeps us doing it. I guess what I am saying is we need to be sensitive to other scenarios and how they feel as caregivers for people that not only aren't grateful but make false accusations against them.
I feel as if as I am loosing My mind along with my mothers'. It seems I can't do anything right. I say something and she can't hear me I say it louder and She says I am yelling at her. Her taste buds are shot and she hates almost everything. Refuses to use a commode so the whole house smells of urine. I to give up too. Just how much can you do before you have to run for your life?
orionsmom ,,,,,,,,,, Sweet lady you need hugs , some days I just want to run out of my house and never come back too. Some caregivers are able to handle this caregiving easier than others so it seems . I was the one that insisted that MIL stay with us for her own safty but I didn't sign up to do this full time caregiving till her demise. I would like to know why the health system seems to think that family members are quilified to take care of a mentally ill person that will never get better . I did tell my DH that I am NOT dealing with bathroom issues ! not not not ! So if MIL craps herself he will get a call at work to come and clean her. It sounds like I'm being mean but I do not want my house smelling and the thought of doing it makes me shutter . hang in there . hugs Gabby
Again, I say you have chosen what you are doing. DolphinsCry - You CHOSE not to walk away. GabbyEv - You CHOSE to bring her to live with you. Kim.Elliott27 - You CHOSE to quit your job. Those are ALL CHOICES! None of them were easy, none of them were what you had planned for your lives, none of them were WRONG or RIGHT. But they were choices. All I am trying to do is to get you all to STOP wasting your energy reinforcing your feeling of being trapped by telling yourselves that you didn't have a choice, ACCEPT that you made the only choice you could live with and to START using that energy to take care of yourselves by telling yourselves positive things. Oh yes, one of MY CHOICES was to live two hundred miles from my husband in my Mom's house so that she could stay in familiar surroundings. So yes, Kim.Elliott27, we do have an income coming in - but I have the added stress of not being home to take care of my own home, trying to do that long distance along with keeping some kind of relationship with my husband. AND I MISS MY CATS!!! :(
Orionsmom - do you have any way to get to a support group in person. Online is fine, but in person can help you in other ways. I don't know where your Mom is in her disease - can she still understand and process correctly what you say when she hears it? Does she dwell on things or does she forget within minutes or seconds what you say to her? If she is at the point where she quickly forgets, I would suggest when she says she can't hear you, one of two things that worked for me with my Dad. Either get down, directly infront of her face and speak calmly, or diversion by handing her something to look at - even a spoon will do. I understand the issue with food - no suggestions there - my Mom is down to 85 lbs. If she is refusing to use a commode, it might be time to go to adult diapers - sometimes available thru your local Alzheimer's association at discounted prices. If she takes them off - a trick I learned is to circle the waist of the diaper with duct tape - start and end at the back where she can't reach the ends. Keep the duct tape on the diaper - not on her skin. Do you have a neighbor or friend, church member or community service that could give you volunteer respite for even an hour - and if so - LEAVE the house, do not use that time to pay bills, or clean, or cook, or any other form of caregiving to anyone but yourself. We all need to remember that frequently caregivers die before the person with alzheimer's does just because of the inordinate amount of stress we are under. Go to www.elderhelpers.org and see if there is one in your area that might be able to come in and sit with your Mom for an hour or two a couple of times a week, or google "(name of your town) volunteer help for elderly'. I did just did this and got several sites to look at.
Many of us want to walk away.
WE ALSO FACE CRIMINAL CHARGES IF WE DO.
I lived with her, so I had I walked, I could have faced criminal charges and j-a-i-l and fines.
Until you are there in the same boat....don't tell me I had no choice.
I don't know where you live, but if you are physically unable to care for the person (you said
"My mom and I both have disabilities that are medically documented, but still had to take care of Grandmother.
One of the days I had to lift Grandmother off the toilet...I have a 20-lb lifting restriction due to a car accident that almost left me a paraplegic. Imagine lifting a 100 lb person off the toilet, getting them into their wheelchair...") then I think you need to seek advice from a different attorney than the one that told you "They cannot be forced into a nursing home" and you "faced criminal charges and j-a-i-l and fines." At least I hope you have spoken with a lawyer about your situation. If she is unable to care for herself, you are not able to care for her, then it would seem to me that with the dx. of a mental disorder that makes her incompetent, that the courts would have no problem assigning a "guardian" for her and taking all responsibility off of your shoulders.
cbs, I am wondering what your point is about choosing to be a caregiver. Is it that because we chose to do this we shouldn't vent our feelings or seek others advice?
Choice = I wanted to. Force = Law enforcement/Government tells me I had to.
At first it was choice.
In the end, because I had done it, it was by force.
Can you imagine that even though Grandmother can't even put her own breakfast on the table, can't get her own girdle out of a drawer, can't mobulate herself...that you HAVE to take care of her, or you face criminal charges of Elder Abuse?
You have a 20-lb lifting restriction, but you better keep that entire driveway clear every time it snows, or her visiting physicians will slap charges on you?
We got a letter from her doctor...she required 24/7/365 care and was not competent to make her own decisions. We sought help through Dept of Human Services. "Well, these b#$%ches won't take care of me, so I'll go into a nursing home". The next day "F#$* you, you b#$%ches will take care of me". Unless we could spend thousands to have her taken into state custody, we had NO WAY OUT.
HOW IS THAT FAIR?
My mom had an emergency hospitalization....8 pm, I'm calling around to find who can stay with Grandmother. If I leave her alone, I can be arrested for Elder Abandonment.
Just as we were about to have DHS come in again, and file the paperwork on her own, thankfully, she fell twice. Then a week later required hospitalization. Guess what the hospital workers said? "You guys should never have been taking care of her (due to our lifting restrictions".
...Believe me, I would have loved to go to college, loved to have done so much more with my life than taking care of someone who hated me and referred to me as a bitch.
Yes don't judge as every caregiver has a different story how they became a caregiver . it's been almost 7 months of this and there was no way we could of left MIL in the state that she was in , that would of been crule to do so . I stand by my statement of we had no choice . Gabby
I think the important thing here is yes, we chose to take care of our family member(s) because it's morally the right thing to do however it is a very difficult way of life. We vent because we need help and don't get it. So what we need to do is work on changing that. We need to put our heads together and figure what would be the best way of doing that.
Kim ,,,, All I know is if I don't vent I would go crazy ,as it is I feel so alone doing this all. My friends don't have a clue what I go through and don't want to hear about me having a hard time and I respect that but on the other hand I don't want to look like I'm wineing and complaining too much . On good days I'm glad she is here but on bad days I need this site to get me through the day. You are so right that the health system needs to be changed to help the caregivers . Here where I live we have lots of programs but the waiting lists is long so that tells me we need to double up on the programs so everyone is getting the help they need. Gabby
I agree. Caring.com is a blessing in many ways. I tell everyone I can about it. I even share it on facebook occasionally. You may want to do that too on the social network you use.
Oh you awesome people. You understand. I am forttunate in some ways mom has an aide during the day so I can work. As I had to move home(?) to Brooklyn and give up my career. I work where I can leave when I need to, ie. She's fallen, fired an aide, won't eat. Needless to say I work many hours for very little for that luxury. I do the shopping ,plan the meals, clean the messes etc. Sleep is a luxury as I have set up camp in the living room. Constantly listening for the sound of a walker or a dripping diaper. More than anything I am just plain tired.
Thanks for the vent. Hugs to all
(((DolphinsCry)))) It's LatanaK. I would love to read your document. I think it is important and here in Florida we have a large contingency of seniors. Politicians pay attention to them.
OK I wrote a damn long post and there was an issue with something and its is gone. Long and short of it is. cbs--this is a place of venting and safety I totally get what you are saying but giving the title of this thread your help isn't being seen as helpful.
Said differently choose your life now- chose all the good all the nad, choose your "person" just they way they are and they way they are not. If you can be in that space it takes us out of victimhood or powerlessness and into a space of acceptance and a place to make new choices from. Sometimes I am in this wonderful place but most times I am at the effect of my circumstances and feeling like crap. Being a caregiver sucks in my experience and for those who have great experiences good for you! I am truly happy for you.
As for me I am in a life sentence- based on someone else's life.
Very well said Resigned&cyn-ical , there are days I sit and think ,,,, how did I end up with my days weeks and now months living my MIL's life and mine is now gone. Your darn well right that I resent it and wish none of this has happened to MIL . The first thing that pops in my head in the morning is ..... Will she sleep an hour longer so I can have a nice morning of waking up . most days no ! Having a good day depends on how she is not how I think or want it to be . sometimes I feel quilty I feel this way and try as I may to be chipper through the day but it dosen't always work . DH just said the other day that he wishes she would go in her sleep , how easy would that be . MY biggest worry about all this is her getting a lot worse . Gabby
I started this post 8 months ago I see and haven't been here for 2 months since I last posted. I used a different email address than my regular one and forgot what nick I used to sign in!
That's because like cbs said.....if you don't take care of you first--if we give our energy (the little we have left)to bemoaning our circumstances it takes it's toll. So I am now in the midst of a major depression awaiting a new medication to hopefully work as I am at the effect of the withdraawal of Paxil which my mother's doctor prescribed me to help ME with my anxiety caused by my caretaking of her.
My mother has lived with me for 22 years. The last 6 years her health has steadily declined, 9 major surgeries, 5 near death ICU visits after surgeries and now a permanent dialysis patient who cannot walk but for a few minutes with a walker and has cognitive decline that I cannot get a doctor to diagnose as Alzheimer's which her mother had up to her death. I don't guess it matters what type of dementia it is. Today is her 80th birthday. Tomorrow I am having a small party for her with the help of my husband and daughter who lives not too far away.
The caregiving almost cost my marriage. My husband certainly only has a shell of the woman he married 15 years ago this month. My son who lives in another state actually texted my husband the other day and asked him when he was going to get "mom" help because for the last few conversations he says I have sounded like I am a strung out drug addict! That's called so tired I can barely talk or I lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence because I have "caregiver burnout", an extremely low seratonin level and adrenal fatigue oh and of course that all equals social isolation and depression.
And I know this too shall pass and yet at the same time I am wondering if this will be mom's last birthday? (please)and then the guilt she taught me ohs o well jumps in. It sucks and I do have aides who help but the mental and emotional strain is killing me. Since June I have suffered from a severely strained back that I got trying to stop my mom from falling (i did) I have continued to re-injure it because I don't get to DO NOTHING for enough time to actually heal my back. So I spend a lot more money on my own medical care 2-3 times a week to the chiropractor. Oh and when my mortgage company than I worked for from my home went under in the beginning of 2008, I ended up trying twice to work out of the home but she had emergent hospitalizations and that doesn't really work for employers. Financially she has no choice to live elsewhere and now that I haven't worked except for caregiving from a 6 figure income to zero slowly but surely took 2 years to put us in bankruptcy which we were discharged from 10 days ago.
I don't even have the energy to vent anymore. I can state the facts and that's it. But I can listen and give support to you wonderful caregivers who do allow me a space to say what I think in my head and don't judge me or make me wrong for it...you actually understand!
Thank you.
Resigned and Cynical (HUGS)
I have to say it is amazing how much caregiving takes out of you. I am not missing it at all. I'm in Bartending School (which she would never have allowed me to do). Still having a hard time finding work, but that should end next week with graduation :)
Good for you DolphinsCry!! Awesome so happy for you. Thanks for staying in touch
Congratulations DolphinsCry!! I, too, as you have already started, hope to put my pretty much laid-out plans into motion when my "term" as a caregiver is over. You could say my story, to a certain perspective, may have started in my teens (I'm 45 now), with my mom, now 90. She suffered from mono-phobia, fear of abandonment, and low self esteem. In order to feel better about herself, she would manipulate and control my life with guilt. Back then, it didn't seem as bad as it sounds but letting her get away with it made its way more profound as time went by, especially after my father's passing. As an only child, mom's "ways" easily found its target. One by one, my hopes and dreams, relationships, hobbies, career,..were being taken away. (I once had a dream, just after my father passed, that pieces of me were being picked off of me by friends and relatives, using chopsticks(?!). Hmmm...prophetic?) Now.. I'm still dealing with those, as well as, her dementia, and because I lost my "life", the resentment clouded all my common sense, decision making, and even changed my personality, which was what set me apart from everyone else. In the last 6 years, we lost our family home, moved to California, moved back to Hawaii (I can hear most of you saying, 'That's a bad thing?!' and 'What are you complaining about' but when you have goals and ambitions...) bought another home, lost my job, lost that house,...and I can't even go back to work because of mom's condition. Hate to say it too, but as much as my relatives love my mom, it can be painful for them to help care for her because of her ways. (I chuckle about this because mom has always been a delight at gatherings, so to hear me privately complain about her and her style was a surprise to them, until they actually spent time with her.) Because of that, my mom is with me 24/7, physically strong and healthy, even with a broken hip, which I proudly but humbly will say I, through the grace of God (and experience coaching)helped mend to where she uses a cane only as a precaution. Oh, the physical therapist had a hand in it, too. What I have a hard time with her more is, her not understanding what's told to her, does things incorrectly, sun downers, her persistence of her insistence... So, would I give up the caregiving "job" if I could? Lord, forgive me...but I can't wait.
I can understand where you are coming from, Bhyndasmal. Good luck to you. This place is great for venting, needing an ear, etc.
I think I graduate today. Finally. Not an easy test to take, 104 recipes to remember. But I think I am going to kick it's butt today :) This is something my Grandmother would have never allowed me to do. But since she is gone, she can't stop me :)
wow! i thought i was the evil and only one who wanted a break. from what i'm reading, we are ALL amazing- if we didn't, who would? #1- read hugh marriot's book- 'the selfish pig's guide to caring' - that's what they call caregiving in the UK.omg- what insight. he makes me look at stuff i thought was too awful to admit... but there is still love. #2 i'm an RN specializing in geriatrics, ( the point being, this should be easy, like a no-brainer, but it's not) and i'm drowning at home- i love my partner with all my heart, but being mom is not my strong point. he is a stroke survivor, and a wonderful man- but the most 71 year old 3 year old there is. so i get it- and you guys who are taking care of parents... MY HEROS! i would kill to get out of town a day... but ...well, you know. think karma, think god's work, think...
I am in a similar situation with my mother in law living with us. My toddler is only getting half a mom, and the half she does get is usually tired and cranky. She has a lot of behavioral issues coming up because of the mentally ill dynamic with my MIL living here. My husband and I have been on five dates in four years, have sex maybe 6 times a year, and have given up on having more children because I will be too old by the time our caregiving ends. I now have chronic fatigue and a heart condition from the stress of MIL's constant panic attacks and crying jags. My husband is having chest pains too. I cannot work because of caregiving, so the four of us live on my husband's 24K a year--in Southern California. If he gets laid off, we'll all be homeless within a month. My 3 year old is shut in the house all day every day because I cannot afford preschool, nor can I take her even to the playground because of caregiving needs. I am very, very angry. I feel like I've been hijacked, particularly since we moved 3000 miles away from my MIL on purpose, but a year later, she just showed up on our doorstep unannounced and uninvited, too demented and broke to send home. She has no other family other than her older brother and sister, both of whom also have Alzheimer's, but are married. I'm starting to have fantasies about contracting a major illness that would free me from this prison of caregiving for someone I never even knew before she came to live with me. I used to be happy. I used to do work I loved that paid the bills well. I used to have friends. I used to live in a house with a garden--my favorite pastime, now I live in a 2-room apartment. We used to have promise and potential and excitement about raising our first baby. Now I just pray she doesn't grow up too stunted or damaged by not getting a mom who can focus on her. If a fairy doesn't come along soon, I fear my marriage just won't make it, and in fact caregiving might literally just kill us.
I would be GONE in a second if anyone else cared but no one does.
My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Rectal cancer in August 2011. We have three children and I work full time. He was self employed so he did not have any insurance and we have struggled financially for several years (he is a contractor). I took FMLA leave in November to stay with him during his surgery recovery and his 12 FolFox chemo treatments--this will last through June but I will have to go back to work in February. Sometimes I want to runaway. Far away and then my children do something so sweet and caring and I renew my prospective for being the strong stable person in their lives at this moment. I have three boys and it hurts them to see their Dad who was so strong and vibrant look so old and helpless. He has lost from 210 to 160 so far and we have 5 months to go :( I tried to explain to them that even though Dad doesn't look or sometimes act the same that he is definitely the same on the inside---I find myself picking and choosing battles (I have resolved to do things one day at a time) the laundry can wait, the dusting and mopping are not that important---God and my family are what matters--I can sacrifice myself and my time for a little while longer==look what Jesus did for us!!
