Dear PatP3005 My mother went through several years of severe trials and tribulations as an 85 year old "independent" AL patient and driving or not driving was a really touchy subject. There came a day when she wanted money and desired to sell her car, so I bought it for my son who lives in another city. The only income she had was a very low Social Security check, which in her mind made her richer than she had ever been. She did not understand the years of increased cost of living. The sory part of this story is that Mother called a car dealer and told them to bring her a new car, which they did. I had always told my sister that after they ran her credit (excellent) and her income level (very low), there is no way the bank would finance a car. Well, was I ever wrong! She showed up my house driving a brand new little blue Ford. When I explained her finances to her she went to my sister's house where there was another confrontation. Mother drove the car back to her apartment for seniors (in another city) and parked it. My sis tried calling the dealer, but I had already explained to her that the dealer had already gotten his money from the bank. So, she hired a lawyer and the bank picked up the car. That was very upsetting all the way around. About the only thing you can do is tell your Mom that the car is totaled and is in the junk yard. If you have power of attorney, you should get the title in your name and then sell the car. Hope you have the keys. But no matter what her reaction is, she must not drive any more. My husband has AL and it took an accident within our own garage to get him to turn over his keys to me. He ran into the frige and the deep freeze and smashed them. They did not belong to us. Sadly my mother was placed in a nursing home and died at age 90, last year. Please be alert to car dealers allowing the sell of a car to seniors who have no way to pay for it.

Dear PatP3005 My mother went through several years of severe trials and tribulations as an 85 year old "independent" AL patient and driving or not driving was a really touchy subject. There came a day when she wanted money and desired to sell her car, so I bought it for my son who lives in another city. The only income she had was a very low Social Security check, which in her mind made her richer than she had ever been. She did not understand the years of increased cost of living. The sory part of this story is that Mother called a car dealer and told them to bring her a new car, which they did. I had always told my sister that after they ran her credit (excellent) and her income level (very low), there is no way the bank would finance a car. Well, was I ever wrong! She showed up my house driving a brand new little blue Ford. When I explained her finances to her she went to my sister's house where there was another confrontation. Mother drove the car back to her apartment for seniors (in another city) and parked it. My sis tried calling the dealer, but I had already explained to her that the dealer had already gotten his money from the bank. So, she hired a lawyer and the bank picked up the car. That was very upsetting all the way around. About the only thing you can do is tell your Mom that the car is totaled and is in the junk yard. If you have power of attorney, you should get the title in your name and then sell the car. Hope you have the keys. But no matter what her reaction is, she must not drive any more. My husband has AL and it took an accident within our own garage to get him to turn over his keys to me. He ran into the frige and the deep freeze and smashed them. They did not belong to us. Sadly my mother was placed in a nursing home and died at age 90, last year. Please be alert to car dealers allowing the sell of a car to seniors who have no way to pay for it.

Thought I'd post an update on this. By the end of that day, Mom had called me 12 times in about a 10 hour span. She got angrier and angrier, louder and more aggressive. Then she threatened to call the police. So I called the police, explained the situation to them and asked what they would do if she did call them. Didn't get much of an answer, the officer I talked to said it would depend on who responded to the call.

Anyway, she kept insisting that she just wanted to SEE the car, it was none of my business if she drove it or sold it. So my husband and I drove to the ALF, taking her car and ours. We parked hers, my husband disconnected the battery, and we left. We didn't go in and speak to her. Most importantly we didn't give her the keys.

The car has been parked there since Sunday (five days). She hasn't attempted to go anywhere. When I visit, she talks about going here and going there, but it seems that she is simply talking. She is basically pretending that she is going to go, but doesn't seem to be making any efforts to actually go. Hanging on to her independence and dignity mostly. I just pray she will leave it be.

Distressed, I'm so sorry about what you went through with your mom. I'm really kind of surprised how hard it is to get help from law enforcement on this issue. I would think they'd be anxious to take impaired drivers off the road. I almost think a drunk driver would be a safer driver than my mom (probably an exaggeration, but you get my point.).

Thought I'd post an update on this. By the end of that day, Mom had called me 12 times in about a 10 hour span. She got angrier and angrier, louder and more aggressive. Then she threatened to call the police. So I called the police, explained the situation to them and asked what they would do if she did call them. Didn't get much of an answer, the officer I talked to said it would depend on who responded to the call.

Anyway, she kept insisting that she just wanted to SEE the car, it was none of my business if she drove it or sold it. So my husband and I drove to the ALF, taking her car and ours. We parked hers, my husband disconnected the battery, and we left. We didn't go in and speak to her. Most importantly we didn't give her the keys.

The car has been parked there since Sunday (five days). She hasn't attempted to go anywhere. When I visit, she talks about going here and going there, but it seems that she is simply talking. She is basically pretending that she is going to go, but doesn't seem to be making any efforts to actually go. Hanging on to her independence and dignity mostly. I just pray she will leave it be.

Distressed, I'm so sorry about what you went through with your mom. I'm really kind of surprised how hard it is to get help from law enforcement on this issue. I would think they'd be anxious to take impaired drivers off the road. I almost think a drunk driver would be a safer driver than my mom (probably an exaggeration, but you get my point.).

Good luck! I am going through the same thing and I hate when mom calls me crying. So...she has her car and I just can't get it away from her. She says she will call the police and report it stolen if I don't return it. Not sure how to handle this and it kills me to hear my mom cry and yell at me. I have tried to be reasonable also and your are so right it just does not work!

Good luck! I am going through the same thing and I hate when mom calls me crying. So...she has her car and I just can't get it away from her. She says she will call the police and report it stolen if I don't return it. Not sure how to handle this and it kills me to hear my mom cry and yell at me. I have tried to be reasonable also and your are so right it just does not work!

My sister-in-law was in the early stages of ALZ. She drove for a while and then just suddenly lost interest. Kind of like she lost interest in cooking and cleaning. Hopefully this will happen to your mom.

My sister-in-law was in the early stages of ALZ. She drove for a while and then just suddenly lost interest. Kind of like she lost interest in cooking and cleaning. Hopefully this will happen to your mom.

It is a hard thing to do taking some ones driving privleges away. I know I went through it with my wife when she was alive and declining with Alzheimer's. She was begining to drive carelessy and I was worried about her safety as well as others. I hid the keys and explained to her why she could not drive anymore. My wife started wandering when I hid the car keys. At the suggestion of her doctor I had to put keyed deadbolt locks on the house another thing that hurt me. I got rid of the second car and took her for daily rides. Afterwhile she was contented having me drive and being out for a daily ride. Not having a second car around helped. My situation was different as my wife was at home. We were retired and I could care for her completely. As hard as it was I think you did the right thing taking the car away for everyones safety. I am surprised her doctor didn't talk to you about your mother driving. Don't feel guilty as you sound like a loving daughter who wants her mother to be safe and not get into a serious car accident. RRC

It is a hard thing to do taking some ones driving privleges away. I know I went through it with my wife when she was alive and declining with Alzheimer's. She was begining to drive carelessy and I was worried about her safety as well as others. I hid the keys and explained to her why she could not drive anymore. My wife started wandering when I hid the car keys. At the suggestion of her doctor I had to put keyed deadbolt locks on the house another thing that hurt me. I got rid of the second car and took her for daily rides. Afterwhile she was contented having me drive and being out for a daily ride. Not having a second car around helped. My situation was different as my wife was at home. We were retired and I could care for her completely. As hard as it was I think you did the right thing taking the car away for everyones safety. I am surprised her doctor didn't talk to you about your mother driving. Don't feel guilty as you sound like a loving daughter who wants her mother to be safe and not get into a serious car accident. RRC

It has been 2 years since Mom was told she cannot drive. It was the single most reason for distress until she fell (now it is using her walker). I was with Mom when she got word from her neurologist that she should not drive, I told her that I wouldn't take her keys, but I wanted her to give them to me. After about a day or two of crying and yelling, she surrendered her keys to me. She still calls her Dr the "bearded a$$hole that took her keys". I also asked her PCP to tell her she is not able to drive. Somehow it was accepted better by her if someone other than me told her that her driving days are behind her. Like you, the topic of her car was still a major issue every time we spoke. I was almost ready to succomb to letting her take the test (thru a neuro rehab facility on a simulator, not actually on the road) when I found an little mini on-line written test. I asked her the 9 questions on the test, she missed 7 of them. I told her she would fail the actual test and that we were not going to waste time going thru with it. This seemed to appease her. I also hired home care givers to help her with household chores, I told Mom that the caregiver could take her anywhere she wanted to go. This helped too, but she still had bugs in her crawl about driving, but not as bad. She still brings it up every once in a while, but the degree of distress is MUCH less.

I am not sure this helps you now, but give it time. Your Mom will soon forget about it. It isn't worth it to get into a debate with her. Just a suggestion, take the car back to your house and out of eyesite from your Mom. Let her know her car is just fine and it is being taken care of. (it isn't relevant if she actually still has a car or not). When she brings it up again, ask her if she had a car, where would she like to drive to? Then redirect the conversation to what activities she would do when she arrived to her destination. The other thing you can do is take her out for a drive every once in a while. Let her know that things are the same, her grocery store is still there, her hairdresser is still there, and that she can go there whenever she wants (as long as someone else takes her). This issue will get easier, I promise!

It has been 2 years since Mom was told she cannot drive. It was the single most reason for distress until she fell (now it is using her walker). I was with Mom when she got word from her neurologist that she should not drive, I told her that I wouldn't take her keys, but I wanted her to give them to me. After about a day or two of crying and yelling, she surrendered her keys to me. She still calls her Dr the "bearded a$$hole that took her keys". I also asked her PCP to tell her she is not able to drive. Somehow it was accepted better by her if someone other than me told her that her driving days are behind her. Like you, the topic of her car was still a major issue every time we spoke. I was almost ready to succomb to letting her take the test (thru a neuro rehab facility on a simulator, not actually on the road) when I found an little mini on-line written test. I asked her the 9 questions on the test, she missed 7 of them. I told her she would fail the actual test and that we were not going to waste time going thru with it. This seemed to appease her. I also hired home care givers to help her with household chores, I told Mom that the caregiver could take her anywhere she wanted to go. This helped too, but she still had bugs in her crawl about driving, but not as bad. She still brings it up every once in a while, but the degree of distress is MUCH less.

I am not sure this helps you now, but give it time. Your Mom will soon forget about it. It isn't worth it to get into a debate with her. Just a suggestion, take the car back to your house and out of eyesite from your Mom. Let her know her car is just fine and it is being taken care of. (it isn't relevant if she actually still has a car or not). When she brings it up again, ask her if she had a car, where would she like to drive to? Then redirect the conversation to what activities she would do when she arrived to her destination. The other thing you can do is take her out for a drive every once in a while. Let her know that things are the same, her grocery store is still there, her hairdresser is still there, and that she can go there whenever she wants (as long as someone else takes her). This issue will get easier, I promise!

For the sake of others you can't let your Mom drive. Contact your doctor - and the police if necessary. Let them take away her car etc. My father continued to drive - often on the wrong side of the road, and after backing out of his drive into a main road without looking. Nobody would ride with him in the end. Fortunately he broke his arm and I think it was deliberately set at an angle so that he had to go into care. We lived 200 miles away and visiting him was a nightmare as he would not cooperate.

I have told my partner Ida [who has AL] that she too has a role to play, and that if she is not prepared to try then I will call it quits.

I 'dictate' how Ida lives in some ways, she does not have a door key and has no money etc. However I also work hard to ensure she is as happy as can be. We invariable do what she wants to do - and this morning she told me she loved me. She knows I love her but also knows I can't go on forever.

Sometimes a little tough love is required.

Keith & Ida

For the sake of others you can't let your Mom drive. Contact your doctor - and the police if necessary. Let them take away her car etc. My father continued to drive - often on the wrong side of the road, and after backing out of his drive into a main road without looking. Nobody would ride with him in the end. Fortunately he broke his arm and I think it was deliberately set at an angle so that he had to go into care. We lived 200 miles away and visiting him was a nightmare as he would not cooperate.

I have told my partner Ida [who has AL] that she too has a role to play, and that if she is not prepared to try then I will call it quits.

I 'dictate' how Ida lives in some ways, she does not have a door key and has no money etc. However I also work hard to ensure she is as happy as can be. We invariable do what she wants to do - and this morning she told me she loved me. She knows I love her but also knows I can't go on forever.

Sometimes a little tough love is required.

Keith & Ida

PatP - I am so sorry this is happening - however, it is a common theme among Alzheimer's victims. It took my mother two years to stop calling me for the car - she had lived in a nursing home for a year before she finally just stopped. I did tell her I sold the car - yeah, she was really mad, but she forgot about it as fast as she got mad. It seemed to stick in her mind a few times after telling her it was sold - and she just stopped asking. My advice to people caring for Alzheimer's victims - is to try different things. Forget the worries of them being mad or hurt. There is just no way around it and they forget they are mad very soon. By try different things, I mean - each person with this disease is similar in that they forget things - they become obsessive and they anger easily and become distrusting. However, they are all individuals. So it may be necessary to try different approaches until you find one that helps. I have had to do that with my mother. I found that at first, I spent all my time trying to reason with a person who I had always known to be of sound mind - but they are no longer of sound mind...they have brain damage. They just no longer have the capability of rational thoughts. You have to (unfortunately) many times trick them. One option might be to say - the car is at the mechanic shop being fixed - I will have it back to you Tuesday. Depending on how far their disease has progressed, it may or may not work. They really seem to get things into their mind - and it doesn't leave their mind in our time - it leaves their mind in their time - when they are ready to let go. They are losing everything, they are scared and just like a caged animal - they are striking out in a self-preservation attempt. Just because they don't know what else to do. It sounds like in your update, that you may have found the answer. Good job. And Good luck in the future. It is a very tough road to travel - both for you and your mom. Never forget to seek support anywhere you can find it.

PatP - I am so sorry this is happening - however, it is a common theme among Alzheimer's victims. It took my mother two years to stop calling me for the car - she had lived in a nursing home for a year before she finally just stopped. I did tell her I sold the car - yeah, she was really mad, but she forgot about it as fast as she got mad. It seemed to stick in her mind a few times after telling her it was sold - and she just stopped asking. My advice to people caring for Alzheimer's victims - is to try different things. Forget the worries of them being mad or hurt. There is just no way around it and they forget they are mad very soon. By try different things, I mean - each person with this disease is similar in that they forget things - they become obsessive and they anger easily and become distrusting. However, they are all individuals. So it may be necessary to try different approaches until you find one that helps. I have had to do that with my mother. I found that at first, I spent all my time trying to reason with a person who I had always known to be of sound mind - but they are no longer of sound mind...they have brain damage. They just no longer have the capability of rational thoughts. You have to (unfortunately) many times trick them. One option might be to say - the car is at the mechanic shop being fixed - I will have it back to you Tuesday. Depending on how far their disease has progressed, it may or may not work. They really seem to get things into their mind - and it doesn't leave their mind in our time - it leaves their mind in their time - when they are ready to let go. They are losing everything, they are scared and just like a caged animal - they are striking out in a self-preservation attempt. Just because they don't know what else to do. It sounds like in your update, that you may have found the answer. Good job. And Good luck in the future. It is a very tough road to travel - both for you and your mom. Never forget to seek support anywhere you can find it.

Unfortunately your experience is so frighteningly common. I work with families all the time who are experiencing similar difficulties. I always encourage them to talk to the family doctors. Perhaps the eye doctor, or the neurologist, or the family physician. Some local Dept of Transportations will be able to offer assistance. I also work with the families as they talk to their loved ones.

But regardless of who you speak to please remember this: A car out of control is a LETHAL WEAPON. It can not only injure or kill your loved one, but it can also do the same to others. You do not want to be the family who will never be the same again because their family member is responsible for the permanent damage or death to someone else. Think child on a bike, or running out between parked cars; or a person on the sidewalk as a driver swerves off the road. Saying we should have taken the keys sooner will not fix the situation.

Until, as a society, we find a fix, through DOT, or with medical driving restrictions, the responsibility falls to families.

I am very glad that you and your husband felt comfortable providing a car that was not able to be driven. You made a wonderful decision.

Susan Devaney, CEO, Moving Mavins www.MovingMavins.com

Unfortunately your experience is so frighteningly common. I work with families all the time who are experiencing similar difficulties. I always encourage them to talk to the family doctors. Perhaps the eye doctor, or the neurologist, or the family physician. Some local Dept of Transportations will be able to offer assistance. I also work with the families as they talk to their loved ones.

But regardless of who you speak to please remember this: A car out of control is a LETHAL WEAPON. It can not only injure or kill your loved one, but it can also do the same to others. You do not want to be the family who will never be the same again because their family member is responsible for the permanent damage or death to someone else. Think child on a bike, or running out between parked cars; or a person on the sidewalk as a driver swerves off the road. Saying we should have taken the keys sooner will not fix the situation.

Until, as a society, we find a fix, through DOT, or with medical driving restrictions, the responsibility falls to families.

I am very glad that you and your husband felt comfortable providing a car that was not able to be driven. You made a wonderful decision.

Susan Devaney, CEO, Moving Mavins www.MovingMavins.com

My mom had to stop driving at 86 when she broke her hip. As she recovered it was obvious that she would not drive again. However, she kept her car and driver's license (her state just renewed--did not require a test of any kind). She also had vision problems (MD) so driving was really not an option. She was happy just to have the car available and always said she was going to drive again some day when she got better--this continued until she moved in with me at age 92. I would suggest to leave her her car but disable it so she really could not drive it until she accepts the situation. It takes time. Do not upset yourself and her by arguing.

My mom had to stop driving at 86 when she broke her hip. As she recovered it was obvious that she would not drive again. However, she kept her car and driver's license (her state just renewed--did not require a test of any kind). She also had vision problems (MD) so driving was really not an option. She was happy just to have the car available and always said she was going to drive again some day when she got better--this continued until she moved in with me at age 92. I would suggest to leave her her car but disable it so she really could not drive it until she accepts the situation. It takes time. Do not upset yourself and her by arguing.

Wow, you are doing really well with this situation. My mother says I am taking over her life. The reverse is true: her needs have taken over MY life.

All my life I tried to please my mom. Now, she is making unreasonable demands, such as what you describe here about the car. My mom is 93, and she thinks she can still walk unassisted. She has had four falls in one year, resulting in serious injuries, surgeries, hospital stays. She picks a topic and then obsesses about it. We have a caregiver and she does not want the caregiver to come with us when we go to the doctor. Every day over and over she repeats this. Cars and the ability to walk represent adulthood and freedom.

Your mom has lost her independence and so has mine. They are fighting for their sense of identity, and I understand it, yet we cannot give in.

In my case, I do not think my mom has dementia, she is really sharp, which makes things much worse. She seem to remember everything.

Wow, you are doing really well with this situation. My mother says I am taking over her life. The reverse is true: her needs have taken over MY life.

All my life I tried to please my mom. Now, she is making unreasonable demands, such as what you describe here about the car. My mom is 93, and she thinks she can still walk unassisted. She has had four falls in one year, resulting in serious injuries, surgeries, hospital stays. She picks a topic and then obsesses about it. We have a caregiver and she does not want the caregiver to come with us when we go to the doctor. Every day over and over she repeats this. Cars and the ability to walk represent adulthood and freedom.

Your mom has lost her independence and so has mine. They are fighting for their sense of identity, and I understand it, yet we cannot give in.

In my case, I do not think my mom has dementia, she is really sharp, which makes things much worse. She seem to remember everything.

I consistently tell my mother that I am in charge of her safety. And safety is my priority, thus is non-negociable (sp?) and her life "wants" come in second to that. I too am having the driving issue cause hard feelings. I have slowed her down and reduced her parameters, but am still looking for an outsider to make the final determination. She has promised to make my life a living hell if I take her keys. Luckily, she has not offered to drive without a license yet. Good luck, and push the safety mantra.

I consistently tell my mother that I am in charge of her safety. And safety is my priority, thus is non-negociable (sp?) and her life "wants" come in second to that. I too am having the driving issue cause hard feelings. I have slowed her down and reduced her parameters, but am still looking for an outsider to make the final determination. She has promised to make my life a living hell if I take her keys. Luckily, she has not offered to drive without a license yet. Good luck, and push the safety mantra.

It sounds like you've got your problem pretty much solved. Disconnecting the battery is a great technique that makes people with AD think they still have a car and can go anywhere. Also, I would like to strongly agree with the person who recommended getting the doctor involved. She/he can order an occupational therapist to do a driving evaluation. The results are objective proof about the person's condition. If the evaluation shows that the person shouldn't be driving, the doctor should take away the keys in the examination room in the presence of a family member, keeping the family from being the "bad guys." Another good technique is to get an eye examination, which may also disqualify the person. In either case, have the doctor write a note on letterhead giving the patient's name and saying the person can't drive safely anymore.

Ellen Woodward Potts

It sounds like you've got your problem pretty much solved. Disconnecting the battery is a great technique that makes people with AD think they still have a car and can go anywhere. Also, I would like to strongly agree with the person who recommended getting the doctor involved. She/he can order an occupational therapist to do a driving evaluation. The results are objective proof about the person's condition. If the evaluation shows that the person shouldn't be driving, the doctor should take away the keys in the examination room in the presence of a family member, keeping the family from being the "bad guys." Another good technique is to get an eye examination, which may also disqualify the person. In either case, have the doctor write a note on letterhead giving the patient's name and saying the person can't drive safely anymore.

Ellen Woodward Potts

I have a friend who wouldn't give up her driving license after several fender bender type accidents. She was told she had moderate Alz also. So unfortunately her daughter who lives in another State had to take action, she moved her to her state, and now she is in a group home there. But I know if she would have given up driving she could have stayed in her apartment for several years. It's so sad, that part of the problem at least at first is the driving part. Does your mother's assisted living place have transporation to take them out where they want to go?

I have a friend who wouldn't give up her driving license after several fender bender type accidents. She was told she had moderate Alz also. So unfortunately her daughter who lives in another State had to take action, she moved her to her state, and now she is in a group home there. But I know if she would have given up driving she could have stayed in her apartment for several years. It's so sad, that part of the problem at least at first is the driving part. Does your mother's assisted living place have transporation to take them out where they want to go?

My sister and I know how you feel! We had the same conversation last Sunday with my Mom. She's 91 and has moderate dementia. She was unable to pass the drivers test to renew her license. She's insists she is fine driving, "just to the corner and back". Unfortunately it's a very busy corner! AND,she can't drive without a valid license. She's very angry with us for controlling her life, as she puts it. There is no easy answer. I just keep telling myself that she would have to do the same for me if the situation was reversed. My sister and I have to keep her (and others) safe. I tell her that change stinks but there is no other choice. I think we all just have to do the best we know how in these situations. As with child rearing we didn't get a handbook when we had children! I like what a poster wrote, "they are fighter for their sense of identity yet we can't give in". We have to respectful but strong. It sure isn't easy some days!

My sister and I know how you feel! We had the same conversation last Sunday with my Mom. She's 91 and has moderate dementia. She was unable to pass the drivers test to renew her license. She's insists she is fine driving, "just to the corner and back". Unfortunately it's a very busy corner! AND,she can't drive without a valid license. She's very angry with us for controlling her life, as she puts it. There is no easy answer. I just keep telling myself that she would have to do the same for me if the situation was reversed. My sister and I have to keep her (and others) safe. I tell her that change stinks but there is no other choice. I think we all just have to do the best we know how in these situations. As with child rearing we didn't get a handbook when we had children! I like what a poster wrote, "they are fighter for their sense of identity yet we can't give in". We have to respectful but strong. It sure isn't easy some days!

In my state the DOT asks for a medical referral. I asked our doctor for a medical referral and he was reluctant to formally diagnose AD. I sent a family referral request to the DOT/DMV with the doctor's contact information and have not heard a word or acknowledgement 5 months later. I am now looking at the Driving Rehab Specialists option to evaluate her. According to the web page they send their results to the DMV. She is going to have a total knee replacement surgery next month and I am hoping that puts an end to the whole driving issue. :))

In my state the DOT asks for a medical referral. I asked our doctor for a medical referral and he was reluctant to formally diagnose AD. I sent a family referral request to the DOT/DMV with the doctor's contact information and have not heard a word or acknowledgement 5 months later. I am now looking at the Driving Rehab Specialists option to evaluate her. According to the web page they send their results to the DMV. She is going to have a total knee replacement surgery next month and I am hoping that puts an end to the whole driving issue. :))

My husband was diagnosed with ALZ almost two years ago at age 61 and the DOCTOR told him that he could NOT drive anymore. My husband also had a woodworking shop in our garage. The DOCTOR told him that he could not run those dangerous tools anymore either. My husband was also an avid hunter, the DOCTOR told him that he could not do that anymore also. Of course, it was a tough "blow" each time, but I believe that becuase the DOCTOR was the one telling him this and not ME, he was able to "handle" it a little better--did not put up a "fight". I can promise you, if I would have been the one to tell him that he could not do all these things, it would have been a fight on each issue!!!! And yes, it's OUR responsibility to take care of our loved ones---for their safety and others!! I also took care of my Mom who was an ALZ patient until her death two years ago.

My husband was diagnosed with ALZ almost two years ago at age 61 and the DOCTOR told him that he could NOT drive anymore. My husband also had a woodworking shop in our garage. The DOCTOR told him that he could not run those dangerous tools anymore either. My husband was also an avid hunter, the DOCTOR told him that he could not do that anymore also. Of course, it was a tough "blow" each time, but I believe that becuase the DOCTOR was the one telling him this and not ME, he was able to "handle" it a little better--did not put up a "fight". I can promise you, if I would have been the one to tell him that he could not do all these things, it would have been a fight on each issue!!!! And yes, it's OUR responsibility to take care of our loved ones---for their safety and others!! I also took care of my Mom who was an ALZ patient until her death two years ago.

@AWESOMEMAWMAW: You are fortunate to have such a wonderful physician! He did EXACTLY what he should have!

@AWESOMEMAWMAW: You are fortunate to have such a wonderful physician! He did EXACTLY what he should have!

I would like to send a hug to everyone of you! This is not an easy situation, and there is no one answer that fits all of them. I think you are all doing a great job working with what you have got. It's hard when the doctor or police or DMV don't take it seriously or do their part. Thank goodness for those who do. When the mind starts to go, there is usually no way to reason with them, so you have to do what is right. But it isn't easy. We have to do what is best for them, and most likely they aren't going to like it. But we would not let a child play on the freeway because he "wants" to. We are there to protect them (and others) when they can not or will not make safe choices. My Mom is past the car issue, but doesn't want to live anywhere that we have put her. She used to call multiple times a day complaining that people were taking things, and I had to come and move her somewhere else right now (but I didn't). She could never tell me where--just anywhere but where she was. But after 3 assisted living arrangements, a hospital stay, and a rehab stay in a nursing home, it was still the same. Thank goodness she no longer uses the phone. Everyone has told me that I am doing the right thing, and taking good care of her, including nurses, care givers, doctors, and even her best friends and other relatives, but it is still hard when in Mom's mind I don't listen or believe her and I'm not running to make her happy like she things I should. It's nice that I have so much support from everyone, but it still hurts when our parents or (or spouses) tell us otherwise. Mom is now trying to escape wherever she is. I took away her electric scooter because she wouldn't slow down and was putting people at risk. She'd run over my feet numerous times and would fly around corners, but she claims otherwise. Now she is in a manual wheelchair, and manages to make darn good time when her mindset is that she has to escape. I'm sure she is trying to run away from herself (what is happening inside), so it doesn't matter where she goes, it will not change, but she can't see that. I now see that, but it isn't making it any easier. So just hang in there and do what you know is right, because at this point in time, we are their parents and have to protect them as they did (or should have done) with us when we were little. And be sure to take the time to take care of yourselves--it can take it's toll both emotionally and physically. I am in very poor health because I put her first all of my life, and it's taken me this long to realize that nothing I do will ever be enough.
God Bless all of You! Sandy

I would like to send a hug to everyone of you! This is not an easy situation, and there is no one answer that fits all of them. I think you are all doing a great job working with what you have got. It's hard when the doctor or police or DMV don't take it seriously or do their part. Thank goodness for those who do. When the mind starts to go, there is usually no way to reason with them, so you have to do what is right. But it isn't easy. We have to do what is best for them, and most likely they aren't going to like it. But we would not let a child play on the freeway because he "wants" to. We are there to protect them (and others) when they can not or will not make safe choices. My Mom is past the car issue, but doesn't want to live anywhere that we have put her. She used to call multiple times a day complaining that people were taking things, and I had to come and move her somewhere else right now (but I didn't). She could never tell me where--just anywhere but where she was. But after 3 assisted living arrangements, a hospital stay, and a rehab stay in a nursing home, it was still the same. Thank goodness she no longer uses the phone. Everyone has told me that I am doing the right thing, and taking good care of her, including nurses, care givers, doctors, and even her best friends and other relatives, but it is still hard when in Mom's mind I don't listen or believe her and I'm not running to make her happy like she things I should. It's nice that I have so much support from everyone, but it still hurts when our parents or (or spouses) tell us otherwise. Mom is now trying to escape wherever she is. I took away her electric scooter because she wouldn't slow down and was putting people at risk. She'd run over my feet numerous times and would fly around corners, but she claims otherwise. Now she is in a manual wheelchair, and manages to make darn good time when her mindset is that she has to escape. I'm sure she is trying to run away from herself (what is happening inside), so it doesn't matter where she goes, it will not change, but she can't see that. I now see that, but it isn't making it any easier. So just hang in there and do what you know is right, because at this point in time, we are their parents and have to protect them as they did (or should have done) with us when we were little. And be sure to take the time to take care of yourselves--it can take it's toll both emotionally and physically. I am in very poor health because I put her first all of my life, and it's taken me this long to realize that nothing I do will ever be enough.
God Bless all of You! Sandy

I know this doesn't quit answer the question but prepare yourself mentally for all that you will need to deal with your mom & society in this matter. Know that as long as you do your best your ok. I took care of my mom when she became terminal & she was wonderful, my father on the other hand...well. I had been driving him for about a year 6 days a week & being yelled at cause I wouldn't be at his beck & call 7/24. I was told I wasn't good enough to meet his friends & to just drop him off etc. I was told by adult protective services I was going to be charged w/senior abuse ( my dad was an extreme hoarder the house was rodent infested also) & how could I let him live like that! (meals on wheels drivers were complaining & refusing to deliver food). I was blamed when the Dr. had his lic revoked. (he was blind in one eye & couldn't see out the other...per his optomitrist). I was accused of stealing money from his bank accounts by him...on & on. I had asked adult protective services to help...refer to above. The Drs. that tried to help me were dismissed by my dad & only the ones that wouldn't go against him stayed...I tried to get him deemed incompetent & everyone agreed but the court psychologist so He was still in charge! Eventually I had taken a trip out of state (I needed a break), was hit from behind & my car was totaled (I had been driving him in his car). So when I returned home I was yelled at that I needed to get busy taking care of his needs again (never mind I was having injuries taken care of). So when I informed him that I would need to drive his vehicle until I got another one I was told no. I was expected to walk 1/4 mile to a trolley then transfer to a bus then walk another 1/4 mile to his house when then I would be allowed to drive his car to only do what he wanted then reverse the process to get home (about a 3-5hr travel process alone). I refused. My father got mad & stopped talking to me. I was outcasted...yet behind the scenes I still checked & provided what I could for him. My brother lived in Japan but refused to help w/the care of either of our parents...He would tell me that when he talked to my dad that my dad would say he didn't know why I was mad at him...but let him see my face & he would only remember that he was mad at me! Well this past April (on my birthday, which I know he did on purpose...lol) my father passed away...still mad at me & hadn't talked to me in about 6 mos. I am sad that that is how it ended for us but I'm ok with the fact that I know I did everything I could. So that is my overall answer Be at peace with yourself no matter what happens with your mother, or how she reacts or what she says, do your best & just don't stop loving her :)

I know this doesn't quit answer the question but prepare yourself mentally for all that you will need to deal with your mom & society in this matter. Know that as long as you do your best your ok. I took care of my mom when she became terminal & she was wonderful, my father on the other hand...well. I had been driving him for about a year 6 days a week & being yelled at cause I wouldn't be at his beck & call 7/24. I was told I wasn't good enough to meet his friends & to just drop him off etc. I was told by adult protective services I was going to be charged w/senior abuse ( my dad was an extreme hoarder the house was rodent infested also) & how could I let him live like that! (meals on wheels drivers were complaining & refusing to deliver food). I was blamed when the Dr. had his lic revoked. (he was blind in one eye & couldn't see out the other...per his optomitrist). I was accused of stealing money from his bank accounts by him...on & on. I had asked adult protective services to help...refer to above. The Drs. that tried to help me were dismissed by my dad & only the ones that wouldn't go against him stayed...I tried to get him deemed incompetent & everyone agreed but the court psychologist so He was still in charge! Eventually I had taken a trip out of state (I needed a break), was hit from behind & my car was totaled (I had been driving him in his car). So when I returned home I was yelled at that I needed to get busy taking care of his needs again (never mind I was having injuries taken care of). So when I informed him that I would need to drive his vehicle until I got another one I was told no. I was expected to walk 1/4 mile to a trolley then transfer to a bus then walk another 1/4 mile to his house when then I would be allowed to drive his car to only do what he wanted then reverse the process to get home (about a 3-5hr travel process alone). I refused. My father got mad & stopped talking to me. I was outcasted...yet behind the scenes I still checked & provided what I could for him. My brother lived in Japan but refused to help w/the care of either of our parents...He would tell me that when he talked to my dad that my dad would say he didn't know why I was mad at him...but let him see my face & he would only remember that he was mad at me! Well this past April (on my birthday, which I know he did on purpose...lol) my father passed away...still mad at me & hadn't talked to me in about 6 mos. I am sad that that is how it ended for us but I'm ok with the fact that I know I did everything I could. So that is my overall answer Be at peace with yourself no matter what happens with your mother, or how she reacts or what she says, do your best & just don't stop loving her :)

Wow, I am not alone, similar problem as above; but we can only do as much as we can, it's frustrating, we know it's wrong, not safe, yet we can not do anything about it.

My situation is Mom does not drive, she realized she should stop driving years ago and gave up her license, BUT her new husband...I see him above in your posts. He is NOT a safe driver. I sent in the form to DMV, he just passed his driving test last week. (And we all know and/or have encountered people that DMV have issued licenses to). But he's not a safe driver, I refused to ride with him driving almost two years ago, but DMV California, says he's alright to drive. He's stubborn, disagreable, and won't listen. Well, he's putting Mom at risk, as well as himself, and others. The extended family (large), considers me an a$$ for asking DMV to test him. My Sister and Brother do agree with me. I spoken with an attorney, and she said there is nothing else I can do....yea, except wait for the accident that will come.

azna44, what is: "Driving Rehab Specialists"?

Wow, I am not alone, similar problem as above; but we can only do as much as we can, it's frustrating, we know it's wrong, not safe, yet we can not do anything about it.

My situation is Mom does not drive, she realized she should stop driving years ago and gave up her license, BUT her new husband...I see him above in your posts. He is NOT a safe driver. I sent in the form to DMV, he just passed his driving test last week. (And we all know and/or have encountered people that DMV have issued licenses to). But he's not a safe driver, I refused to ride with him driving almost two years ago, but DMV California, says he's alright to drive. He's stubborn, disagreable, and won't listen. Well, he's putting Mom at risk, as well as himself, and others. The extended family (large), considers me an a$$ for asking DMV to test him. My Sister and Brother do agree with me. I spoken with an attorney, and she said there is nothing else I can do....yea, except wait for the accident that will come.

azna44, what is: "Driving Rehab Specialists"?

My father was 93 years old and had experienced multiple falls, several of which landed him in the hospital. The hospital doctor told him not to drive to our immense relief and he informed the DMV so that his license would be suspended. My father insisted that he had been driving for over 80 years and that he was fully capable which was accompanied by constant and repeated arguments about his obviously prodigeous skills in this area. He seemed to have forgotten the multiple accidents he had had as well as one incident when he rendered my personal vehicle undrivable until repaired. He went to the DMV to get his license back. He failed the first test but passed the second test and the Department of Motor Vehicles gave him a license!!! Not too much later he had another slow-speed accident which ultimately revealed that he was dying of an unknown infection. BUT TO HIS DYING BREATH, HE TALKED ABOUT WHETHER THEY WOULD LET HIM DRIVE! He was on hospice wondering if he would get back in his precious car.

I feel somewhat guilty relating this about my now-dead father and all I feel is loss and compassion for his diminishing brain. But when the aging brain finds an obsession, sometimes it never lets up. Only the grace of God's mercy to take him home gives him peace.

My father was 93 years old and had experienced multiple falls, several of which landed him in the hospital. The hospital doctor told him not to drive to our immense relief and he informed the DMV so that his license would be suspended. My father insisted that he had been driving for over 80 years and that he was fully capable which was accompanied by constant and repeated arguments about his obviously prodigeous skills in this area. He seemed to have forgotten the multiple accidents he had had as well as one incident when he rendered my personal vehicle undrivable until repaired. He went to the DMV to get his license back. He failed the first test but passed the second test and the Department of Motor Vehicles gave him a license!!! Not too much later he had another slow-speed accident which ultimately revealed that he was dying of an unknown infection. BUT TO HIS DYING BREATH, HE TALKED ABOUT WHETHER THEY WOULD LET HIM DRIVE! He was on hospice wondering if he would get back in his precious car.

I feel somewhat guilty relating this about my now-dead father and all I feel is loss and compassion for his diminishing brain. But when the aging brain finds an obsession, sometimes it never lets up. Only the grace of God's mercy to take him home gives him peace.

All I can say, at the age of 68 and just beginning to suffer some brain damage from hemorrhages from unknown reaons, I hope my children are as strong as those who have written all these messages. I love my kids, and I trust them, but I also know I have been independent and stubborn all my life. I pray that somehow their inherited wisdom, strength, and stubborness outweighs mine and that the good relationships we've always had will somehow survive what the suture may hold. Otherwise, I'm off to take a long walk on a cold evening and forget (as is the way with us old folk) my coat. Easier all around.

All I can say, at the age of 68 and just beginning to suffer some brain damage from hemorrhages from unknown reaons, I hope my children are as strong as those who have written all these messages. I love my kids, and I trust them, but I also know I have been independent and stubborn all my life. I pray that somehow their inherited wisdom, strength, and stubborness outweighs mine and that the good relationships we've always had will somehow survive what the suture may hold. Otherwise, I'm off to take a long walk on a cold evening and forget (as is the way with us old folk) my coat. Easier all around.

My father in law was told for a year that he shouldn't be driving. We finally got the paperwork in to the state for a drivers evaluation and finally after a month of pure hell, they revoked his license and the insurance company cancelled the car insurance. We took his car to our house and like others, he called every fifteen minutes for hours and hours demanding that we bring his car back We finally did but didn't give him the key. I was afraid that he would have someone make a new key or he would know how to hot wire it as he knew a lot about cars. He also lived within walking distance of a car dealer that would have helped him out. He then obsessed with if he couldn't drive and go where he wanted to go (even tho we told him we would take him wherever and whenever) that he would just kill himself. what was the sence of living if he couldn't drive! A few days later pills were missing and he said I told you what I was going to do so off to the ER we went with him as he continued to tell everyone at the hospital the same thing they had to commit him to a mental facility for observation. He now is in a nursing home and mellowed somewhat. He accused us of taking his car and his money and costing him money by putting him in the hospital and mental facility and now this. The ranting and raving was so stressful but as others have said it does finally move on to another obsession. We tried telling him that if he drove and got into an accident and killed someone or himself how awful that would be. My mom was killed by a drunk driver and I tried to tell him how another persons driving decisions hurt me but he would only reply with I am a good driver. I stay on my side of the road etc. He was an ok driver, but there was also that one chance that he might forget what a stop sign or red light meant. He then would say there wasn't anything the matter with his memory.. So hard!!!

My father in law was told for a year that he shouldn't be driving. We finally got the paperwork in to the state for a drivers evaluation and finally after a month of pure hell, they revoked his license and the insurance company cancelled the car insurance. We took his car to our house and like others, he called every fifteen minutes for hours and hours demanding that we bring his car back We finally did but didn't give him the key. I was afraid that he would have someone make a new key or he would know how to hot wire it as he knew a lot about cars. He also lived within walking distance of a car dealer that would have helped him out. He then obsessed with if he couldn't drive and go where he wanted to go (even tho we told him we would take him wherever and whenever) that he would just kill himself. what was the sence of living if he couldn't drive! A few days later pills were missing and he said I told you what I was going to do so off to the ER we went with him as he continued to tell everyone at the hospital the same thing they had to commit him to a mental facility for observation. He now is in a nursing home and mellowed somewhat. He accused us of taking his car and his money and costing him money by putting him in the hospital and mental facility and now this. The ranting and raving was so stressful but as others have said it does finally move on to another obsession. We tried telling him that if he drove and got into an accident and killed someone or himself how awful that would be. My mom was killed by a drunk driver and I tried to tell him how another persons driving decisions hurt me but he would only reply with I am a good driver. I stay on my side of the road etc. He was an ok driver, but there was also that one chance that he might forget what a stop sign or red light meant. He then would say there wasn't anything the matter with his memory.. So hard!!!

DBJ It's ok. After my father passed & I was going through everything I found that my father had an appt. with the DMV to get his lic back. It was for 2 weeks after he passed.

I have also told my children that if I ever get like my father & even if I get angry at them that they have permission from me now to go ahead & put me in a nursing home whether I want to or not at this future date & to just make sure I am being treated well & to visit me often :)

DBJ It's ok. After my father passed & I was going through everything I found that my father had an appt. with the DMV to get his lic back. It was for 2 weeks after he passed.

I have also told my children that if I ever get like my father & even if I get angry at them that they have permission from me now to go ahead & put me in a nursing home whether I want to or not at this future date & to just make sure I am being treated well & to visit me often :)

The DMV really needs to understand Alzheimers. They gave my father in law his license when the doctor said that he shouldn't be driving and we said that he shouldn't but because he could renew his license without a test he passed (could have mailed it in!!) He had to read the eye exam 5 times and gave different letters each time but they still passed him we were only out the door 5 minutes and he asked if he had to renew his license!!!!! Finally a month later after the doctor got a form into the state did they do an assessment of him and revoked his license. I think the DMV just wants to get their money (He had bought new plates for the car, car insurance and the license fee) that was money that he wouldn't have had to spend if they would have understood that Alzheimers patients should not drive! I told them that it was going to be their responsibility if he got in an accident! Of course they came back with the answer well you are the caregiver and if you don't think he should be driving then don't let him!!!! Easier said than done when he has the slip in his wallet that says that he has a license to operate a motor vehicle. Then I go for my drivers test and in my haste to get there and get it done I forgot my regular glasses and just had my reading glasses on and couldn't make out 2 of the letters in the vision test and was told I should go home and get my regular glasses and then take the vision test!!!!! So home I went and grabbed my other glasses and probably drove faster than I should have to get back there so I could get over to the nursing home and didn't realize that I sat on my glasses and broke them!!! what a day. I pieced them together and passed the test. Needless to say the DMV and I don't see eye to eye!!

The DMV really needs to understand Alzheimers. They gave my father in law his license when the doctor said that he shouldn't be driving and we said that he shouldn't but because he could renew his license without a test he passed (could have mailed it in!!) He had to read the eye exam 5 times and gave different letters each time but they still passed him we were only out the door 5 minutes and he asked if he had to renew his license!!!!! Finally a month later after the doctor got a form into the state did they do an assessment of him and revoked his license. I think the DMV just wants to get their money (He had bought new plates for the car, car insurance and the license fee) that was money that he wouldn't have had to spend if they would have understood that Alzheimers patients should not drive! I told them that it was going to be their responsibility if he got in an accident! Of course they came back with the answer well you are the caregiver and if you don't think he should be driving then don't let him!!!! Easier said than done when he has the slip in his wallet that says that he has a license to operate a motor vehicle. Then I go for my drivers test and in my haste to get there and get it done I forgot my regular glasses and just had my reading glasses on and couldn't make out 2 of the letters in the vision test and was told I should go home and get my regular glasses and then take the vision test!!!!! So home I went and grabbed my other glasses and probably drove faster than I should have to get back there so I could get over to the nursing home and didn't realize that I sat on my glasses and broke them!!! what a day. I pieced them together and passed the test. Needless to say the DMV and I don't see eye to eye!!

You are all soooo right. I think when they start loosing control of appropriate things, they try and control things that are not appropriate. It's a hard place to be in -- both for the person who is slipping, and the people who love them and have to make the hard decisions.
My Mom is obsessive about a number of things, and absolutely will not let go, so I think the person is right about if one obsession lessons, another one takes its place. A big hug and prayer for the person who is experiencing problems from hemmoraging. You are very couragious and I pray you will find the cause so it can be corrected and not have to go through what we are all writing about. Maybe this is a lesson we need to take seriously. Telling our kids what to do is a start, but my Mom also said that long ago, but as soon as that situation may be near, it all changed, she went into denial, demanded things, refused things.... Maybe we need to sit down and write out our wishes (when to treat, when not to treat), permission to be put in a care facility and under what circumstances, use or non use of Rx, use of natural means... and give a copy to all who might be involved and keep several copies for ourselves to read from time to time. These are challenging times. I wonder how our great great grandparents handled this type of thing??? I don't think there was as much brain deteriorization as there is now, and when there was, they were probably put in an institution, and it wasn't talked about.
Again, hugs to all of you--and take care of yourselves.

You are all soooo right. I think when they start loosing control of appropriate things, they try and control things that are not appropriate. It's a hard place to be in -- both for the person who is slipping, and the people who love them and have to make the hard decisions.
My Mom is obsessive about a number of things, and absolutely will not let go, so I think the person is right about if one obsession lessons, another one takes its place. A big hug and prayer for the person who is experiencing problems from hemmoraging. You are very couragious and I pray you will find the cause so it can be corrected and not have to go through what we are all writing about. Maybe this is a lesson we need to take seriously. Telling our kids what to do is a start, but my Mom also said that long ago, but as soon as that situation may be near, it all changed, she went into denial, demanded things, refused things.... Maybe we need to sit down and write out our wishes (when to treat, when not to treat), permission to be put in a care facility and under what circumstances, use or non use of Rx, use of natural means... and give a copy to all who might be involved and keep several copies for ourselves to read from time to time. These are challenging times. I wonder how our great great grandparents handled this type of thing??? I don't think there was as much brain deteriorization as there is now, and when there was, they were probably put in an institution, and it wasn't talked about.
Again, hugs to all of you--and take care of yourselves.

My sister and I are in the same position as many of you. Our 82 year old mom has moderate dementia, and she is still driving. Our dad passed away a little over a year ago. Until then, she blamed all of her dementia-related issues on the stress involved with his care. Now that he is gone, she can no longer blame him. We have a follow-up with her neurologist on Feb. 14th. In the meantime, mom's neighbor recently told us that she sees mom coming and going all day long in her car. I don't know if she gets in her car then forgets where she is going or what, but she shouldn't be behind the wheel anymore. I'm going to ask her doc to have an occupational therapist evaluate her, but she will not go down easy. She told my sister that she would just as soon hang herself as not be able to drive anymore. Any additional advice for the upcoming doctor's appointment would be welcome!

My sister and I are in the same position as many of you. Our 82 year old mom has moderate dementia, and she is still driving. Our dad passed away a little over a year ago. Until then, she blamed all of her dementia-related issues on the stress involved with his care. Now that he is gone, she can no longer blame him. We have a follow-up with her neurologist on Feb. 14th. In the meantime, mom's neighbor recently told us that she sees mom coming and going all day long in her car. I don't know if she gets in her car then forgets where she is going or what, but she shouldn't be behind the wheel anymore. I'm going to ask her doc to have an occupational therapist evaluate her, but she will not go down easy. She told my sister that she would just as soon hang herself as not be able to drive anymore. Any additional advice for the upcoming doctor's appointment would be welcome!

I don't know if this will help much, but I would write down all your concerns, and call the Doc ahead of time and ask to talk to the nurse. I have tried writing it down, and going in a couple of weeks in advance of her appointment and asking that the doctor look it over at his convenience before her appt, but they just put it in her file, then the doc reads it while my Mom is sitting there. That doesn't work for me. I need to discuss it with the nurse, and have the doctor aware of it before she is sitting there because she can get very argumentative, pout, and go into denial. I need him to be aware of it before I bring her in so that he can check on it without asking me about in her presence. Maybe the nurse would have a suggestion about what kind of information they would need to make that kind of determination. You might need to pick up a form from the DMV or something, so call around so it isn't as hard on you while you are with your Mom (I assume you will be taking her to the appt). I feel for you, and understand what you are going through. My Mom doesn't want to be anywhere that we've moved her for her protection, and says she would rather die than be there. And she doesn't let go of that. The guilt can be overwhelming even though it isn't your fault, and you are doing everything you can. Be sure to have some support through all of this. It is really hard going it alone, and I think our parents make it even harder on us because we are their kids, and they expect to get their way, and give us orders. They have a really hard time realizing that we are having to take on the parenting role, and they deny it all the way that they need any kind of intervention. Do you have a senior services in your area? Maybe they would have some suggestions on how to handle this and her threatened responses. Good luck! Hugs

I don't know if this will help much, but I would write down all your concerns, and call the Doc ahead of time and ask to talk to the nurse. I have tried writing it down, and going in a couple of weeks in advance of her appointment and asking that the doctor look it over at his convenience before her appt, but they just put it in her file, then the doc reads it while my Mom is sitting there. That doesn't work for me. I need to discuss it with the nurse, and have the doctor aware of it before she is sitting there because she can get very argumentative, pout, and go into denial. I need him to be aware of it before I bring her in so that he can check on it without asking me about in her presence. Maybe the nurse would have a suggestion about what kind of information they would need to make that kind of determination. You might need to pick up a form from the DMV or something, so call around so it isn't as hard on you while you are with your Mom (I assume you will be taking her to the appt). I feel for you, and understand what you are going through. My Mom doesn't want to be anywhere that we've moved her for her protection, and says she would rather die than be there. And she doesn't let go of that. The guilt can be overwhelming even though it isn't your fault, and you are doing everything you can. Be sure to have some support through all of this. It is really hard going it alone, and I think our parents make it even harder on us because we are their kids, and they expect to get their way, and give us orders. They have a really hard time realizing that we are having to take on the parenting role, and they deny it all the way that they need any kind of intervention. Do you have a senior services in your area? Maybe they would have some suggestions on how to handle this and her threatened responses. Good luck! Hugs

Thanks a million, Sandikat! Actually, several of us in the family drafted a letter and faxed it to the neurologist's office last week. I called ahead for their number and to alert them it was coming. Also, I mentioned her threats in the letter. Hopefully, her doctor will have read the document before we arrive!

My mom would become angry, too, if we started talking about her to the doctor. Up until now, she has done a pretty good job of fooling people, and that's one reason I wanted to write the letter.

I will call the DMV to see what I need to do in case they have a special form. Great suggestion - thank you. Fortunately, we are in a very large metropolitan area with great resources.

Thanks a million, Sandikat! Actually, several of us in the family drafted a letter and faxed it to the neurologist's office last week. I called ahead for their number and to alert them it was coming. Also, I mentioned her threats in the letter. Hopefully, her doctor will have read the document before we arrive!

My mom would become angry, too, if we started talking about her to the doctor. Up until now, she has done a pretty good job of fooling people, and that's one reason I wanted to write the letter.

I will call the DMV to see what I need to do in case they have a special form. Great suggestion - thank you. Fortunately, we are in a very large metropolitan area with great resources.

My mom was obsessed with her car being in the drive and her car keys being in her purse. My brother finally had a set of keys made for her to keep in her purse. They looked like her car keys but were not 'keyed' for her car. This has helped all of us, she no longer obsesses on where both are, and we no longer worry about her being able to drive the car. Not sure what will happen if she ever tries to start the car but we'll deal with that when/if it ever happens.

My mom was obsessed with her car being in the drive and her car keys being in her purse. My brother finally had a set of keys made for her to keep in her purse. They looked like her car keys but were not 'keyed' for her car. This has helped all of us, she no longer obsesses on where both are, and we no longer worry about her being able to drive the car. Not sure what will happen if she ever tries to start the car but we'll deal with that when/if it ever happens.

Sounds like you did everything right. Until I started reading all this about driving or not driving, I didn't realize this is the no. 1 problem for Mod Alz. I have a close friend who was having driving problems, and if she would have just agreed to give up her vehicle, I know she could have functioned in the real world for a few years. Now her daughter has her in a group home in the state she lives in, it's so sad. My husband doesn't drive now, cause of his health, and is in hospice care, me being the 24/7 caregiver. But when I took him to get his drivers license (for purposes of just having an ID) darn, if they didn't renew it. It was very obivious, that he wasn't able to drive, he is 83. No wonder there is so many accidents, and vehicle insurance is so high.

Sounds like you did everything right. Until I started reading all this about driving or not driving, I didn't realize this is the no. 1 problem for Mod Alz. I have a close friend who was having driving problems, and if she would have just agreed to give up her vehicle, I know she could have functioned in the real world for a few years. Now her daughter has her in a group home in the state she lives in, it's so sad. My husband doesn't drive now, cause of his health, and is in hospice care, me being the 24/7 caregiver. But when I took him to get his drivers license (for purposes of just having an ID) darn, if they didn't renew it. It was very obivious, that he wasn't able to drive, he is 83. No wonder there is so many accidents, and vehicle insurance is so high.

This is for Texas Bluebonnet. I suggest that you get online and investigate Alzheimer's medications, such as Aricept. Think about whether you want your mother to take them. Get the doctor's opinion. Also, I have seen my mother's doctor (who I found through her assisted living facility) without her being present. Your doctor may be willing to do this. It may be necessary for you pay for it (I didn't have to pay). If she is getting lost in the car now, expect this to only get worse, and don't believe anything she says about driving or stopping driving. My mother got lost badly twice; the first time near her apartment (this was before assisted living) and the second time 20 miles away,with no idea of how she got there, and she was found only because a kind, retired policeman saw her. The first time she got lost, she told me she would quit driving. It didn't happen. Oh and by the way, I also took her to get her driver's license when she moved from her home state to my state, because I thought she was not that bad and she wanted it. I thought maybe she wouldn't be able to get a license. However, my state doesn't require an exam or a driving test for someone who is moving from out of state and has a current license. This was about 6 weeks before she drove 20 miles and didn't know her name or where she was. If you think your mother has a driving problem, she has a driving problem.

This is for Texas Bluebonnet. I suggest that you get online and investigate Alzheimer's medications, such as Aricept. Think about whether you want your mother to take them. Get the doctor's opinion. Also, I have seen my mother's doctor (who I found through her assisted living facility) without her being present. Your doctor may be willing to do this. It may be necessary for you pay for it (I didn't have to pay). If she is getting lost in the car now, expect this to only get worse, and don't believe anything she says about driving or stopping driving. My mother got lost badly twice; the first time near her apartment (this was before assisted living) and the second time 20 miles away,with no idea of how she got there, and she was found only because a kind, retired policeman saw her. The first time she got lost, she told me she would quit driving. It didn't happen. Oh and by the way, I also took her to get her driver's license when she moved from her home state to my state, because I thought she was not that bad and she wanted it. I thought maybe she wouldn't be able to get a license. However, my state doesn't require an exam or a driving test for someone who is moving from out of state and has a current license. This was about 6 weeks before she drove 20 miles and didn't know her name or where she was. If you think your mother has a driving problem, she has a driving problem.

My former cleaning lady has had alz for a long time. My neighbors finally ended up calling me and telling me to get her off the road as they were scared of her driving. I contacted the State Department of Motor Veichles.

They will send a letter to the alz driver asking for a doctor's statement that he is medically able to drive. The doctor will not sign the paper as does not want to be sued in case someone dies.

So the BMV asked for her license back. She was angry that her license was TAKEN away from her, but she never found out I was involved. That way the anger was not AT ME.

My former cleaning lady has had alz for a long time. My neighbors finally ended up calling me and telling me to get her off the road as they were scared of her driving. I contacted the State Department of Motor Veichles.

They will send a letter to the alz driver asking for a doctor's statement that he is medically able to drive. The doctor will not sign the paper as does not want to be sued in case someone dies.

So the BMV asked for her license back. She was angry that her license was TAKEN away from her, but she never found out I was involved. That way the anger was not AT ME.

Mom has been on Aricept for about a year now. From what I understand, it won't prevent the progression of the disease - only slow it down. She recently commented to me that she thought the medicine wasn't working very well. I will try to talk to the doctor privately or ask for an appointment to discuss Mom's status.

I truly am very concerned both for her and others on the road.
Karla, thank you for the great suggestion. If the upcoming doctor's visit doesn't take care of the driving issue, I will follow your advice. This sounds even better than going the route of having an occupational therapist do an evaluation.

Thanks, everyone!

Mom has been on Aricept for about a year now. From what I understand, it won't prevent the progression of the disease - only slow it down. She recently commented to me that she thought the medicine wasn't working very well. I will try to talk to the doctor privately or ask for an appointment to discuss Mom's status.

I truly am very concerned both for her and others on the road.
Karla, thank you for the great suggestion. If the upcoming doctor's visit doesn't take care of the driving issue, I will follow your advice. This sounds even better than going the route of having an occupational therapist do an evaluation.

Thanks, everyone!

You are all amazing people. I am so honored to be hearing your points of view. I have felt so alone in the struggles of life but you each have added to my world in ways you can not imagine. Just thank you for being so forthright and honest with yourselves and with me. I invite you all over for coffee!...in spirit.

You are all amazing people. I am so honored to be hearing your points of view. I have felt so alone in the struggles of life but you each have added to my world in ways you can not imagine. Just thank you for being so forthright and honest with yourselves and with me. I invite you all over for coffee!...in spirit.

Hi-Re the driving issue-my wifes primary care Dr started the process by notifying the Department of Motor Vehicles (California). This started theprocess of limiting her driving, testing and finally suspension. Your mom's Dr can and should help. Jim S

Hi-Re the driving issue-my wifes primary care Dr started the process by notifying the Department of Motor Vehicles (California). This started theprocess of limiting her driving, testing and finally suspension. Your mom's Dr can and should help. Jim S