Tough situation, different states have different rules when it comes to spousal rights.

Have you considered working with either a social worker or mediator? If nothing else it might be good for everyone to listen to each other, learn where the similarities and differences in approach might lie, and start working toward easing up the tension over some of the major trouble spots. While it is troubling to hear about her new husband's behavior, flip side it could be that he has early stage dementia himself which might in fact explain the numerous (and oddly timed!) trips to the bank.

Good luck and be well!

Tough situation, different states have different rules when it comes to spousal rights.

Have you considered working with either a social worker or mediator? If nothing else it might be good for everyone to listen to each other, learn where the similarities and differences in approach might lie, and start working toward easing up the tension over some of the major trouble spots. While it is troubling to hear about her new husband's behavior, flip side it could be that he has early stage dementia himself which might in fact explain the numerous (and oddly timed!) trips to the bank.

Good luck and be well!

It could also be that he feels out of control even if he might should not be. We recently had that situation with my father-in-law and his wife. So having the social worker/mediator/minister would help.

Also, as far as the phone is concerned, we would tell our mom something and she might tell us something but the message would not get to our dad. So miss-information could be his concern. For example, we would tell her we were coming over and surprise my dad would not know about it. So just to assure him let him know what you talked about.

If you are suspecting more of abuse, you can go to your county dept of aging. They have a dept for adult abuse to place an inquiry/report. I would have your mom's lawyer and/or the doctor involved with this also so that they know it is not just a family member that is concerned. The reason I say this is because of the recent event we had with my step-mother-in-law. She presents to us how unhealthy she is and gives us much concern that she would be able to take care of dad who just came out of the hospital. She however did not give that impression to the adult abuse investigator. She said 'what a nice lady!' and would not do anything. So when placing a claim as adult abuse/neglect, make sure you have other information such as the doctor's report and the lawyer's advise regarding the POA.

Good Luck and remember to breath & have patience.

It could also be that he feels out of control even if he might should not be. We recently had that situation with my father-in-law and his wife. So having the social worker/mediator/minister would help.

Also, as far as the phone is concerned, we would tell our mom something and she might tell us something but the message would not get to our dad. So miss-information could be his concern. For example, we would tell her we were coming over and surprise my dad would not know about it. So just to assure him let him know what you talked about.

If you are suspecting more of abuse, you can go to your county dept of aging. They have a dept for adult abuse to place an inquiry/report. I would have your mom's lawyer and/or the doctor involved with this also so that they know it is not just a family member that is concerned. The reason I say this is because of the recent event we had with my step-mother-in-law. She presents to us how unhealthy she is and gives us much concern that she would be able to take care of dad who just came out of the hospital. She however did not give that impression to the adult abuse investigator. She said 'what a nice lady!' and would not do anything. So when placing a claim as adult abuse/neglect, make sure you have other information such as the doctor's report and the lawyer's advise regarding the POA.

Good Luck and remember to breath & have patience.

Just saw your post about money. Get the Eldercare lawyer involved with this also.

I know you are concerned about your mom but like stated there are spousal rights of the husband. She also has rights and you need to make sure the lawyer and the spouse know you want your mom protected and cared for regardless of who survives.

Just saw your post about money. Get the Eldercare lawyer involved with this also.

I know you are concerned about your mom but like stated there are spousal rights of the husband. She also has rights and you need to make sure the lawyer and the spouse know you want your mom protected and cared for regardless of who survives.

I wonder if the husband may have a componenet of dementia? His behavior certainly seems suspicious, and that may be one of the first signs. There is quite a bit of good adivce given previously except to say you might persue full guardianship, not just POA. That way, it is possible some of the husband's behaviors may come to light, and you will have no legal issues to deal with concerning her care. You may be able to establish co-guardianship with a sibling as well. Best wishes to you as you deal with these issues.

I wonder if the husband may have a componenet of dementia? His behavior certainly seems suspicious, and that may be one of the first signs. There is quite a bit of good adivce given previously except to say you might persue full guardianship, not just POA. That way, it is possible some of the husband's behaviors may come to light, and you will have no legal issues to deal with concerning her care. You may be able to establish co-guardianship with a sibling as well. Best wishes to you as you deal with these issues.

this appears to be elder abuse.. contact law enforcement. or some financial institutions have a department that deals with elder abuse... contact someone right away..

this appears to be elder abuse.. contact law enforcement. or some financial institutions have a department that deals with elder abuse... contact someone right away..

Thanks for the great advice! EPB, I wish you could see what I've seen, what my sister has seen, what my brother has seen, and what we continue to see day after day after day, you would immediately change your opinion of boggs!

I have contacted County Social Services, they are to pay a surprise vist, I really don't expect much from a government agency, but it might make boggs realize that I am concerned about his actions, attitude, etc. I have already contacted a lawyer and am looking into the best avenue to proceed.

Geeese, if he does have dementia, why is he still driving Mom around? I contacted DMV last month and requested that he be retested for compentency to drive, for Mom's safety, as well as his own.

Mom is the oldest of 18 brothers and sisters, they all (98%) say: " boggs is the nicest man, he would never hurt your mom". Well, letting her fall six times in two years......Love is not what you say, it's your actions, and letting your spouse fall over and over again, or driving while incompentent is not love. And EPB please dont' say, well maybe he does not realize, blah, blah, he is as sharp as a tack in money matters. Oh, this past year, while taking Mom to the emergency room for a unariary track infection, he wanted to: "stop at the bank on the way." When I got to Mom, and saw here condition, I insisted she be taken to the emergency room, but because he is her husband, it was up to him, not me. He finally relented, the following morning stating: "I thought about what you said and decided it might be a good idea to take her to the doctor>" Heck, her UTI had made her incoherent, loss of motor control, etc. and he waited overnight to take her to doctor, I phoned 911. What I had said to him was: "If it was my wife, if I was this ill person's husband, I would have had her in the hospital, day before yesterday, don't you love her enough to see her condition and want to have a doctor look at her?" boggs is an ass, period.

Thanks for the great advice! EPB, I wish you could see what I've seen, what my sister has seen, what my brother has seen, and what we continue to see day after day after day, you would immediately change your opinion of boggs!

I have contacted County Social Services, they are to pay a surprise vist, I really don't expect much from a government agency, but it might make boggs realize that I am concerned about his actions, attitude, etc. I have already contacted a lawyer and am looking into the best avenue to proceed.

Geeese, if he does have dementia, why is he still driving Mom around? I contacted DMV last month and requested that he be retested for compentency to drive, for Mom's safety, as well as his own.

Mom is the oldest of 18 brothers and sisters, they all (98%) say: " boggs is the nicest man, he would never hurt your mom". Well, letting her fall six times in two years......Love is not what you say, it's your actions, and letting your spouse fall over and over again, or driving while incompentent is not love. And EPB please dont' say, well maybe he does not realize, blah, blah, he is as sharp as a tack in money matters. Oh, this past year, while taking Mom to the emergency room for a unariary track infection, he wanted to: "stop at the bank on the way." When I got to Mom, and saw here condition, I insisted she be taken to the emergency room, but because he is her husband, it was up to him, not me. He finally relented, the following morning stating: "I thought about what you said and decided it might be a good idea to take her to the doctor>" Heck, her UTI had made her incoherent, loss of motor control, etc. and he waited overnight to take her to doctor, I phoned 911. What I had said to him was: "If it was my wife, if I was this ill person's husband, I would have had her in the hospital, day before yesterday, don't you love her enough to see her condition and want to have a doctor look at her?" boggs is an ass, period.

LOL, sounds like it! The Eisenhower generation with their stoicism, greed and arrogance -- which they would say is their character, their thriftiness, and their duty. Again, you really need to consult with an eldercare attorney and get the ball rolling here. I'd keep it all going on him from the surprise visit on, don't give him a chance to appear to change his ways now, it would only delay the inevitable, and by that point your mom might be in worse shape competency-wise. In which event it would then be much much harder to get things resolved.

Git 'er done, eh? ; )

LOL, sounds like it! The Eisenhower generation with their stoicism, greed and arrogance -- which they would say is their character, their thriftiness, and their duty. Again, you really need to consult with an eldercare attorney and get the ball rolling here. I'd keep it all going on him from the surprise visit on, don't give him a chance to appear to change his ways now, it would only delay the inevitable, and by that point your mom might be in worse shape competency-wise. In which event it would then be much much harder to get things resolved.

Git 'er done, eh? ; )

Oh, I've just begun, I allowed Sis and Bro to hold me back, agreeing to 2 out of the 3 of us to make any serious decisions. They wanted her lawyer, I wanted private investagtor, they wanted to "wait" for this or that, I wanted to move now, they wanted to see if things get better, I want to move now, and on and on, the two of them out voting me. Anyway, as of last month I told them I was reniging on our agreement, and I will/have move on him with everthing at my disposal. Her lawyer was usless, I emailed him, telling him that I refuse to pay for the usless information he provided, that Dad, who he went to HS with would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what the lawyer did, and did not do. So I basicily fired him, he has not responded. I posted a discussion on the extended family "Geni family tree" website asking for help,(no response) I've had conversations with various of her brothers/sisters, (she had 17) I did the DMV thing. I did the Social Services thing. I did speak with MY attorney 8 months ago, but did not proceed due to Sis and Bro....he's a druggie, and she's too nice to make any waves. I have re-contacted MY lawyer, still just in the discussion stage, but I will start proceedings within the week.

I did not ask them, I told them both: "It's been long enough, too long, you've had your chance, now I will do it my way."

Oh, I've just begun, I allowed Sis and Bro to hold me back, agreeing to 2 out of the 3 of us to make any serious decisions. They wanted her lawyer, I wanted private investagtor, they wanted to "wait" for this or that, I wanted to move now, they wanted to see if things get better, I want to move now, and on and on, the two of them out voting me. Anyway, as of last month I told them I was reniging on our agreement, and I will/have move on him with everthing at my disposal. Her lawyer was usless, I emailed him, telling him that I refuse to pay for the usless information he provided, that Dad, who he went to HS with would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what the lawyer did, and did not do. So I basicily fired him, he has not responded. I posted a discussion on the extended family "Geni family tree" website asking for help,(no response) I've had conversations with various of her brothers/sisters, (she had 17) I did the DMV thing. I did the Social Services thing. I did speak with MY attorney 8 months ago, but did not proceed due to Sis and Bro....he's a druggie, and she's too nice to make any waves. I have re-contacted MY lawyer, still just in the discussion stage, but I will start proceedings within the week.

I did not ask them, I told them both: "It's been long enough, too long, you've had your chance, now I will do it my way."

I understand your concern for your mom, but please take a couple of minutes and figure out a way to involve your siblings in this. It is not the time to alienate them, since they may be your future support system in this battle. An gentle approach to "I will do it my way" may be in order. This could be along the lines of: It's time to get the ball rolling in another direction, since our previous approaches have not worked. Here's the way I would like to proceed......
As for the DMV, they can take some time, but it never hurts to follow up with a phone call. I know in some states, it takes an offical letter to the State Troopers. In my mom's case, it took them over 6 weeks to even send her a letter asking her to come in for testing. She was in the nursing home by then :) As for elder abuse (as a previous poster mentioned), it is possible, since neglect is a form of abuse. But given she is getting in home care, she is "technically" sort of protected from him. There most likely is a component of psychologial abuse, but again, it is extremely possible the husband has some undiagnosed dementia. Does he have any family or children you can contact about your concerns? If you use a concern for him approach, it may work in your favor. Blessing to you and your family...keep up the good fight!

I understand your concern for your mom, but please take a couple of minutes and figure out a way to involve your siblings in this. It is not the time to alienate them, since they may be your future support system in this battle. An gentle approach to "I will do it my way" may be in order. This could be along the lines of: It's time to get the ball rolling in another direction, since our previous approaches have not worked. Here's the way I would like to proceed......
As for the DMV, they can take some time, but it never hurts to follow up with a phone call. I know in some states, it takes an offical letter to the State Troopers. In my mom's case, it took them over 6 weeks to even send her a letter asking her to come in for testing. She was in the nursing home by then :) As for elder abuse (as a previous poster mentioned), it is possible, since neglect is a form of abuse. But given she is getting in home care, she is "technically" sort of protected from him. There most likely is a component of psychologial abuse, but again, it is extremely possible the husband has some undiagnosed dementia. Does he have any family or children you can contact about your concerns? If you use a concern for him approach, it may work in your favor. Blessing to you and your family...keep up the good fight!

Here's a link that you might find helpful:

http://library.findlaw.com/2000/Jun/1/127657.html

Sit down with your brother and sister and discuss your plans. Let them know that you simply want to make sure your mom is protected and provided for and that if everything's on the up and up, great, if it isn't it needs to be put on track.

It sounds like the guy is a bully, and your brother and sister may not be comfortable with risking his ire or dealing with the drama. Once you're able to secure things to the best degree possible, in black and white, it's going to be easier for everyone, and you won't have to look back and wish you'd done more.

Peace of mind is a good thing!

Here's a link that you might find helpful:

http://library.findlaw.com/2000/Jun/1/127657.html

Sit down with your brother and sister and discuss your plans. Let them know that you simply want to make sure your mom is protected and provided for and that if everything's on the up and up, great, if it isn't it needs to be put on track.

It sounds like the guy is a bully, and your brother and sister may not be comfortable with risking his ire or dealing with the drama. Once you're able to secure things to the best degree possible, in black and white, it's going to be easier for everyone, and you won't have to look back and wish you'd done more.

Peace of mind is a good thing!

Susan wrote:

I understand your concern for your mom, but please take a couple of minutes and figure out a way to involve your siblings in this. It is not the time to alienate them, since they may be your future support system in this battle.

Susan, thank you for the advice, but I've been dealing with my brother and sister for 60 plus years, I know best how to deal with them. I've given them one whole year to do it "their way", and nothing, absolutely nothing has happened.

Also, she is only getting 24/7 home care BECAUSE I forced it on boggs, he would have let things continue as before and Mom would have fallen again, this last fall almost killed her, the doctor first seeing her in the hospital said: "She will never recover from this."

And I'm suppose to take a gentle approach, this is life and/or death for my Mom, I cannot wait any longer to have a discussion with my brother and sister, as I see it, I needed to ACT NOW, and I did one year ago with forcing 24/7 care, again I need to ACT NOW, without waiting for my brother or sister, they've had a year, that's more than long enough.

SISTER DOES NOT WANT TO MAKE WAVES BROTHER DOES NOT EITHER FOR FEAR OF LOSING HIS "CASH COW"

I want to PROTECT MOM, I do not care about waves, cash, future cash, the extended family's opinion of me; I do not care about anything but PROTECTING MOM, no matter what it takes, no matter who's toes I need to step on.

Susan, you also wrote: "But given she is getting in home care, she is "technically" sort of protected from him." Technically doesn't cut it, the caregivers don't what to make waves, they don't want to loose their jobs, they don't know my Mom (or boggs) the way I do. "Technically sort of protected"...my gosh, is that like "sorta pregnant"?

Susan, thank you for your response, but evedentily I have not made it clear in previous posts, the situation is critical, there is no time to waste "being nice", "stepping gently", "having discussions" (I've discussed this with bro/sis and extended family till I'm blue in the face. It's a waste of time, nothing comes of it, I NEED TO ACT NOW, I WILL ACT NOW, THERE IS NO MORE TIME TO WASTE, PERIOD, END OF DISCUSSION!!!!!!!!

EPB, thank you for the link, now that's exactly what I need more ammunition to use to PROTECT my Mom, I do not need, nor want advice to advice on how to be a woose and have another discussion with my brother and sister, I told them what I wanted to do last year, I waited for them to do something "their way" which seems to be the way people are suggesting here, it's been a waste of time, Mom is 89 years old, there is no more time to waste with discussions.

MY MOM NEEDS PROTECTION, and most "protectors", use whatever means necessary to PROTECT the person in need they don't discuss it over and over, and over, and over again and again and again, they ACT.

Susan wrote:

I understand your concern for your mom, but please take a couple of minutes and figure out a way to involve your siblings in this. It is not the time to alienate them, since they may be your future support system in this battle.

Susan, thank you for the advice, but I've been dealing with my brother and sister for 60 plus years, I know best how to deal with them. I've given them one whole year to do it "their way", and nothing, absolutely nothing has happened.

Also, she is only getting 24/7 home care BECAUSE I forced it on boggs, he would have let things continue as before and Mom would have fallen again, this last fall almost killed her, the doctor first seeing her in the hospital said: "She will never recover from this."

And I'm suppose to take a gentle approach, this is life and/or death for my Mom, I cannot wait any longer to have a discussion with my brother and sister, as I see it, I needed to ACT NOW, and I did one year ago with forcing 24/7 care, again I need to ACT NOW, without waiting for my brother or sister, they've had a year, that's more than long enough.

SISTER DOES NOT WANT TO MAKE WAVES BROTHER DOES NOT EITHER FOR FEAR OF LOSING HIS "CASH COW"

I want to PROTECT MOM, I do not care about waves, cash, future cash, the extended family's opinion of me; I do not care about anything but PROTECTING MOM, no matter what it takes, no matter who's toes I need to step on.

Susan, you also wrote: "But given she is getting in home care, she is "technically" sort of protected from him." Technically doesn't cut it, the caregivers don't what to make waves, they don't want to loose their jobs, they don't know my Mom (or boggs) the way I do. "Technically sort of protected"...my gosh, is that like "sorta pregnant"?

Susan, thank you for your response, but evedentily I have not made it clear in previous posts, the situation is critical, there is no time to waste "being nice", "stepping gently", "having discussions" (I've discussed this with bro/sis and extended family till I'm blue in the face. It's a waste of time, nothing comes of it, I NEED TO ACT NOW, I WILL ACT NOW, THERE IS NO MORE TIME TO WASTE, PERIOD, END OF DISCUSSION!!!!!!!!

EPB, thank you for the link, now that's exactly what I need more ammunition to use to PROTECT my Mom, I do not need, nor want advice to advice on how to be a woose and have another discussion with my brother and sister, I told them what I wanted to do last year, I waited for them to do something "their way" which seems to be the way people are suggesting here, it's been a waste of time, Mom is 89 years old, there is no more time to waste with discussions.

MY MOM NEEDS PROTECTION, and most "protectors", use whatever means necessary to PROTECT the person in need they don't discuss it over and over, and over, and over again and again and again, they ACT.

Good for you, Med!

Good for you, Med!

THANK YOU FRAZZLED, some one who understands!

THANK YOU FRAZZLED, some one who understands!

Absolutely! Protection for the vulnerable first and foremost. The rest be damned.

Absolutely! Protection for the vulnerable first and foremost. The rest be damned.

You know, I have to wonder how many would suggest a mediator, compromise, stopping to think about things, if this were a child? Are we all so backwards that we think a spouse has the right to keep their mate's phone, cash, and ID from them?

Med, I don't know if your state has any other ruling on this, but only a court can declare anyone legally incompetant.

You know, I have to wonder how many would suggest a mediator, compromise, stopping to think about things, if this were a child? Are we all so backwards that we think a spouse has the right to keep their mate's phone, cash, and ID from them?

Med, I don't know if your state has any other ruling on this, but only a court can declare anyone legally incompetant.

Many states are still extremely backward when it comes to this sort of thing. In the state of Virginia, husbands can still legally have their wives committed solely on his say-so and signature! Many states don't protect abused women and children; in this case a lot will ride on spousal rights. As far as a mediator goes, most are former judges or lawyers, not social workers or therapists. It would probably be a lot more effective to have an impartial professional third-party deal with the guy than a family member.

When you go thermonuclear you want to finish it in a way where there's no recourse, all done, game over. There's a lot of gray in this situation so it's time to find out what's black and what's white. An elder law attorney should be able to do this, based on the laws in their state, and they can quarterback from there, hopefully in a way that gets financial and personal protection without tearing the family apart. It sounds like this is overdue.

Many states are still extremely backward when it comes to this sort of thing. In the state of Virginia, husbands can still legally have their wives committed solely on his say-so and signature! Many states don't protect abused women and children; in this case a lot will ride on spousal rights. As far as a mediator goes, most are former judges or lawyers, not social workers or therapists. It would probably be a lot more effective to have an impartial professional third-party deal with the guy than a family member.

When you go thermonuclear you want to finish it in a way where there's no recourse, all done, game over. There's a lot of gray in this situation so it's time to find out what's black and what's white. An elder law attorney should be able to do this, based on the laws in their state, and they can quarterback from there, hopefully in a way that gets financial and personal protection without tearing the family apart. It sounds like this is overdue.

I think you totally misunderstood my intentions, it was not meant to tell you to wait or how to deal with your siblings. It was merely a suggestion to take a minute to consider future implications of how you plan to move forward. Not a protracted amount of time...I agree time is of the essence in trying to get things done. As a RN who deals with the elderly all the time, I have a clue about family interactions and how they can tear apart long term family relationships in this type of situation. I also have personal experience in dealing with relatives with dementia and some of the barriers with social services and elder abuse. It is most likely a great relief to you knowing your mom is getting care at home. Unfortunately, proving physical abuse or neglect is very difficult, and can take a extraorinary long time. When I mentioned your mother is " technically" protected from him....what that means is that there is another person in the house who can protect her from abuse. If they don't, they are not doing their job. Social services may take the view she is being cared for in an appropiate manner, no matter what you believe. I don't want you to stop fighting for your mom, just know it can take a while...nothing seems to happen overnight. I have been battling with docs for over 8 months just to get simple document signed....and that is not nearly as urgent as an abuse situation. This list has been a great help to me, & I hope it will be helpful to you as well. One of the things I have learned is that everyone has something of value to offer, as we each bring our own perspective and experiences. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. Good luck!

I think you totally misunderstood my intentions, it was not meant to tell you to wait or how to deal with your siblings. It was merely a suggestion to take a minute to consider future implications of how you plan to move forward. Not a protracted amount of time...I agree time is of the essence in trying to get things done. As a RN who deals with the elderly all the time, I have a clue about family interactions and how they can tear apart long term family relationships in this type of situation. I also have personal experience in dealing with relatives with dementia and some of the barriers with social services and elder abuse. It is most likely a great relief to you knowing your mom is getting care at home. Unfortunately, proving physical abuse or neglect is very difficult, and can take a extraorinary long time. When I mentioned your mother is " technically" protected from him....what that means is that there is another person in the house who can protect her from abuse. If they don't, they are not doing their job. Social services may take the view she is being cared for in an appropiate manner, no matter what you believe. I don't want you to stop fighting for your mom, just know it can take a while...nothing seems to happen overnight. I have been battling with docs for over 8 months just to get simple document signed....and that is not nearly as urgent as an abuse situation. This list has been a great help to me, & I hope it will be helpful to you as well. One of the things I have learned is that everyone has something of value to offer, as we each bring our own perspective and experiences. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. Good luck!

Frazzled, Right on, I'll bet even Susan would be posting differently were it a child, RN or not. I have two cousins who are RNs and, Susan, you sound just exactly like them.

EPB, Mom is in California, I have not wasted the past year waiting for Bro and Sis to act, I have spent countless hours on the computer, reading, studying, learning, and I have also printed out reams of information, so I can re-read, completely study and become a student of both elderly finiancial and emotional abuse.

Now Susan, I can read, I know how to read, and I read, very clearly what you posted. As I said above to Frazzled, I have two cousins who are RNs, and their verbage is almost, word for word, what you have said.

You said, in your last post: "It was merely a suggestion to take a minute to consider future implications of how you" I DON'T HAVE A MINUTE!

You also said: "I also have personal experience in dealing with relatives with dementia and some of the barriers with"

WELL, I ALSO HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, My wife's Mom, Dad, Uncle, and my Dad, all with various ailements from dementia, to parkensons.

You also said: "proving physical abuse " I HAVE NEVER STATED ANYTHING ABOUT PHYSICAL ABUSE, NEVER!

You also said: "Social services may take the view she is being cared for in an appropiate manner, no matter what you believe."

I ALSO SAID, THAT I DID NOT EXPECT MUCH FROM SOCIAL SERVICES, THEY BEING A GOVERNMENT AGENCY, so you are either mis-reading what I am posting, or don't understand my words, WHAT I BELIEVE, AND WHAT I STATED IS: "I DON'T EXPECT MUCH FROM SOCIAL SERVICES, THEY BEING A GOVERNMENT AGENCY, I only contacted them, as they stated they would go out to Mom's house within a week, thus, putting boggs on notice, that I'm watching, I do not expect Social Services to do anyting, they are a government agency.

You also stated: "nothing seems to happen overnight" YOU ARE INCORRECT AGAIN: When I decided it was time to take Mom home from the two months she spent in the recovery facility, I asked boggs to start proceding to have her released. He did nothing. So, I went to the Chief Adminstrator, and requested to have Mom released, and He said:"It takes a week to process her out". So I said: "No, you don't understand, I will be taking her home today." He said: "That cannot be done. It's a one week process to check her out." I said: "Yes it can, and will, I can check her out to take her to lunch, I just won't ever bring her back from lunch." He said: " Let me phone you right back." HE PHONED ME BACK WITHIN 15 MINUTES He asked: " Would tomorrow morning be acceptable?" I said: "yes,that would be acceptable."

IT DID HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, I BUCKED THE SYSTEM, I GOT HER CHECKED OUT IN 14 HOURS, NOT ONE WEEK. I HAD NO ATHORTY TO DO SO, I BLUFFED, I GOT HER HOME, WHICH IS WHAT SHE WANTED! I didn't have discussions with bro, sis, boggs, extended family, I didn't take a minute, I didn't consider reprocussions, I didn't care about stepping on peoples toes, I just did what was best for MOM.

BTW: At this same time, this exact day, is when I hired 24/7 care for Mom. boggs said: "But it's less expensive to leave her at the rest home, rather than take her home, and pay for 24/7 caregivers (a perfect example of his attitude toward Mom, money, not Mom is his number one concern).

Also, during Mom's two month stay in recovery, I hired a contractor, to completely strip, Mom's bathroom, make it 100% ADA compliant, install wheelchair ramps, and lots of other things to make Mom's home more condusive to her return. And all this I did on my own, without Bro, Sis, boggs, extended family support or help. I did this without permission, I broke into Mom's/boggs house so I could do it, as boggs was dragging his feet, taking a minute to think about it, discussing it. The bathroom work was completed the morning just befors Mom arrives, literally, the threshold, the final piece to be installed for the bathroom to be complete was installed two hours before she arrrived. (good thing I didn't take a minute to discuss, to think about, to consider reprocussions)

My Sister and I also, had Mom's garden, just outside her master bedroom and dinning room, completely landscaped. Including potted plants on her patio, garage sale table/chairs, humming bird feeders, etc. reach-thru fence so her over active dogs could come up next to her, but not jump up and hurt her.

AND THAT'S WHAT I DID ONE YEAR AGO, then I waited one whole year for others to act, SO HERE I GO AGAIN, I'M DOING EXACTLY WHAT'S BEST FOR MOM, DAMM THE CONSENQUESNCE TO EVERY ONE ELSE OR MYSELF.

Frazzled, Right on, I'll bet even Susan would be posting differently were it a child, RN or not. I have two cousins who are RNs and, Susan, you sound just exactly like them.

EPB, Mom is in California, I have not wasted the past year waiting for Bro and Sis to act, I have spent countless hours on the computer, reading, studying, learning, and I have also printed out reams of information, so I can re-read, completely study and become a student of both elderly finiancial and emotional abuse.

Now Susan, I can read, I know how to read, and I read, very clearly what you posted. As I said above to Frazzled, I have two cousins who are RNs, and their verbage is almost, word for word, what you have said.

You said, in your last post: "It was merely a suggestion to take a minute to consider future implications of how you" I DON'T HAVE A MINUTE!

You also said: "I also have personal experience in dealing with relatives with dementia and some of the barriers with"

WELL, I ALSO HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, My wife's Mom, Dad, Uncle, and my Dad, all with various ailements from dementia, to parkensons.

You also said: "proving physical abuse " I HAVE NEVER STATED ANYTHING ABOUT PHYSICAL ABUSE, NEVER!

You also said: "Social services may take the view she is being cared for in an appropiate manner, no matter what you believe."

I ALSO SAID, THAT I DID NOT EXPECT MUCH FROM SOCIAL SERVICES, THEY BEING A GOVERNMENT AGENCY, so you are either mis-reading what I am posting, or don't understand my words, WHAT I BELIEVE, AND WHAT I STATED IS: "I DON'T EXPECT MUCH FROM SOCIAL SERVICES, THEY BEING A GOVERNMENT AGENCY, I only contacted them, as they stated they would go out to Mom's house within a week, thus, putting boggs on notice, that I'm watching, I do not expect Social Services to do anyting, they are a government agency.

You also stated: "nothing seems to happen overnight" YOU ARE INCORRECT AGAIN: When I decided it was time to take Mom home from the two months she spent in the recovery facility, I asked boggs to start proceding to have her released. He did nothing. So, I went to the Chief Adminstrator, and requested to have Mom released, and He said:"It takes a week to process her out". So I said: "No, you don't understand, I will be taking her home today." He said: "That cannot be done. It's a one week process to check her out." I said: "Yes it can, and will, I can check her out to take her to lunch, I just won't ever bring her back from lunch." He said: " Let me phone you right back." HE PHONED ME BACK WITHIN 15 MINUTES He asked: " Would tomorrow morning be acceptable?" I said: "yes,that would be acceptable."

IT DID HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, I BUCKED THE SYSTEM, I GOT HER CHECKED OUT IN 14 HOURS, NOT ONE WEEK. I HAD NO ATHORTY TO DO SO, I BLUFFED, I GOT HER HOME, WHICH IS WHAT SHE WANTED! I didn't have discussions with bro, sis, boggs, extended family, I didn't take a minute, I didn't consider reprocussions, I didn't care about stepping on peoples toes, I just did what was best for MOM.

BTW: At this same time, this exact day, is when I hired 24/7 care for Mom. boggs said: "But it's less expensive to leave her at the rest home, rather than take her home, and pay for 24/7 caregivers (a perfect example of his attitude toward Mom, money, not Mom is his number one concern).

Also, during Mom's two month stay in recovery, I hired a contractor, to completely strip, Mom's bathroom, make it 100% ADA compliant, install wheelchair ramps, and lots of other things to make Mom's home more condusive to her return. And all this I did on my own, without Bro, Sis, boggs, extended family support or help. I did this without permission, I broke into Mom's/boggs house so I could do it, as boggs was dragging his feet, taking a minute to think about it, discussing it. The bathroom work was completed the morning just befors Mom arrives, literally, the threshold, the final piece to be installed for the bathroom to be complete was installed two hours before she arrrived. (good thing I didn't take a minute to discuss, to think about, to consider reprocussions)

My Sister and I also, had Mom's garden, just outside her master bedroom and dinning room, completely landscaped. Including potted plants on her patio, garage sale table/chairs, humming bird feeders, etc. reach-thru fence so her over active dogs could come up next to her, but not jump up and hurt her.

AND THAT'S WHAT I DID ONE YEAR AGO, then I waited one whole year for others to act, SO HERE I GO AGAIN, I'M DOING EXACTLY WHAT'S BEST FOR MOM, DAMM THE CONSENQUESNCE TO EVERY ONE ELSE OR MYSELF.

@EPB - I do believe that you are mistaken about the commitment law in Virginia. They do require a report from a independent psychiatrist.

There is a time when we have to take swift and decisive action to protect the more vulnerable in our society. We cannot wait and bow to the beaurocracy in place, Though the system is well-meaning, for the most part, it is bogged down with too many clients and too few workers. In MN, we have a ruling that all vulnerable adult reports are responded to in 72 hours. Social Workers WISH there were family around to protect, because 72 hours sometimes isn't good enough, but it does put those who would abuse on warning. I could give example after example where MN Social Workers have to be the first line of defense, often entering the house before police - often in the middle of the night. I could also tell you many of the horrors they have seen.

But, they wouldn't have to do that if more family, or extended family would step up first. Now, I'm not faulting family members who for many reasons haven't been able to do that, but sometimes they can...and just haven't, stating, "I didn't want to interfere".

Apathy and unwillingness to take ANY personal risk for someone at risk, or waiting for 'someone else to do it' - will be the death of all of us. It doesn't take a meeting, a mediator, a doctor, lawyer, or candlestick maker, to take one step forward.

Please don't mistake what I say for violence, vigilantism, or taking unnecessary thoughtless risk. Sometimes all it takes is speaking out and as Med did, standing their ground.

@EPB - I do believe that you are mistaken about the commitment law in Virginia. They do require a report from a independent psychiatrist.

There is a time when we have to take swift and decisive action to protect the more vulnerable in our society. We cannot wait and bow to the beaurocracy in place, Though the system is well-meaning, for the most part, it is bogged down with too many clients and too few workers. In MN, we have a ruling that all vulnerable adult reports are responded to in 72 hours. Social Workers WISH there were family around to protect, because 72 hours sometimes isn't good enough, but it does put those who would abuse on warning. I could give example after example where MN Social Workers have to be the first line of defense, often entering the house before police - often in the middle of the night. I could also tell you many of the horrors they have seen.

But, they wouldn't have to do that if more family, or extended family would step up first. Now, I'm not faulting family members who for many reasons haven't been able to do that, but sometimes they can...and just haven't, stating, "I didn't want to interfere".

Apathy and unwillingness to take ANY personal risk for someone at risk, or waiting for 'someone else to do it' - will be the death of all of us. It doesn't take a meeting, a mediator, a doctor, lawyer, or candlestick maker, to take one step forward.

Please don't mistake what I say for violence, vigilantism, or taking unnecessary thoughtless risk. Sometimes all it takes is speaking out and as Med did, standing their ground.

@Frazzled, I stand corrected. I just looked it up, the law was changed in 2008. I worked with a woman in 1997 who wanted to divorce her husband, he decided she was obviously crazy to want to leave him so had her committed to a private mental health facility. It took her close to a year to get the situation resolved.

Medusa just posted his Mom's in Cali so he should have much better recourse than he might in a less progressive state.

@Frazzled, I stand corrected. I just looked it up, the law was changed in 2008. I worked with a woman in 1997 who wanted to divorce her husband, he decided she was obviously crazy to want to leave him so had her committed to a private mental health facility. It took her close to a year to get the situation resolved.

Medusa just posted his Mom's in Cali so he should have much better recourse than he might in a less progressive state.

I'm really glad to hear that EPB, that's why so many women ended up in the old "Insane Asylums", 'dear' hubby just wanted a divorce to marry the mistress, and divorce wasn't good for his puritan image. Of course, women also were sent there during menopause and given shock treatment.

I'm really glad to hear that EPB, that's why so many women ended up in the old "Insane Asylums", 'dear' hubby just wanted a divorce to marry the mistress, and divorce wasn't good for his puritan image. Of course, women also were sent there during menopause and given shock treatment.

EPB, yup Mom's in Kalifornia, where I was born, stayed untill four months ago, when I moved to Texas, a much more "progressive" state. Could not get out of Kalifornia fast enough, would have left sooner, but we had really good jobs, so purchased down here in Texas 6 years ago, planning to retire here. Timing is bad, with Mom being 89, and now, after her six falls, not being in good as condition as she would have been without the falls. Sis and Bro are still there, all 500 or so relatives are mostly still there. I've set up Skype with her(again had to fight boggs, I ended up purchasing the web camera here, and mailing it to there).

Funny, Mom does not yet(she'll get it after a few more times) understand that she can talk directly to the computer, so we have the computer for picture, and I call her on the phone so she will talk while Skyping.

I'm still pushing boggs to get Mom a laptop, so she does not have to get up, go to his office, and sit at his computer(I've already made it very clear, that if he does not get her a laptop within the month, I will purchase it here, and mail it to her.

BTW: Last year, when she first returned from the recovery home, I first suggested, then prodded, then pushed for him to get her an adjustable bed, I then threatened to pick out and purchase it myself. boggs finally relented and got her one, actually, I drove him to go look and pick one out. She needed the adjustable bed, she loves to have her coffee and "Mexican bread" "pan dulce", in bed in the morning, boggs saw no problem with Sister, or other care giver, pulling Mom up by her arms, stuffing pillows behind her, trying to get her to a comfortable upright position to have her coffee and pan dulce. OH, oh, oh, boggs also said that the mex bread/pan dulce was "bad for her", at the next doctor's visit, I asked the doc directly, and he, of course said: "Hell, she's 89 years old, she can eat anything she wants to".

And railings, what a joke, he bought the cheepest ones he could find for the old bed. And it goes on and on and on. I have told bro and sis, "I can be there in 4 hours if necessary."

Trying to get her to come visit...another new struggle with "the boggs".

Sad, to move away, but probably best, it does "keep me in check, a bit", holds me back some, stops me from punching him in the nose. :)

EPB, yup Mom's in Kalifornia, where I was born, stayed untill four months ago, when I moved to Texas, a much more "progressive" state. Could not get out of Kalifornia fast enough, would have left sooner, but we had really good jobs, so purchased down here in Texas 6 years ago, planning to retire here. Timing is bad, with Mom being 89, and now, after her six falls, not being in good as condition as she would have been without the falls. Sis and Bro are still there, all 500 or so relatives are mostly still there. I've set up Skype with her(again had to fight boggs, I ended up purchasing the web camera here, and mailing it to there).

Funny, Mom does not yet(she'll get it after a few more times) understand that she can talk directly to the computer, so we have the computer for picture, and I call her on the phone so she will talk while Skyping.

I'm still pushing boggs to get Mom a laptop, so she does not have to get up, go to his office, and sit at his computer(I've already made it very clear, that if he does not get her a laptop within the month, I will purchase it here, and mail it to her.

BTW: Last year, when she first returned from the recovery home, I first suggested, then prodded, then pushed for him to get her an adjustable bed, I then threatened to pick out and purchase it myself. boggs finally relented and got her one, actually, I drove him to go look and pick one out. She needed the adjustable bed, she loves to have her coffee and "Mexican bread" "pan dulce", in bed in the morning, boggs saw no problem with Sister, or other care giver, pulling Mom up by her arms, stuffing pillows behind her, trying to get her to a comfortable upright position to have her coffee and pan dulce. OH, oh, oh, boggs also said that the mex bread/pan dulce was "bad for her", at the next doctor's visit, I asked the doc directly, and he, of course said: "Hell, she's 89 years old, she can eat anything she wants to".

And railings, what a joke, he bought the cheepest ones he could find for the old bed. And it goes on and on and on. I have told bro and sis, "I can be there in 4 hours if necessary."

Trying to get her to come visit...another new struggle with "the boggs".

Sad, to move away, but probably best, it does "keep me in check, a bit", holds me back some, stops me from punching him in the nose. :)

Medusa, here's another link from a California elder law firm's site that might be helpful:

http://www.elderabuselaw.com/general.php?category=Practice&headline=Elder+Abuse+Litigation

Make sure you have copies of any correspondence between yourself and the family about the different issues over the years. You will need witnesses; no doubt they will need at least a deposition, if not direct testimony, from your sister.

Perhaps you could be appointed as your mom's guardian by the courts? If not you, then an attorney? You would probably also want to request a court-ordered financial audit of their accounts, tax returns, etc. to find the money trail as to what went where when, what remains, and where it is currently. This in and of itself would be important in proving intent: if he's shifted comarital funds into accounts in his name only over the course of their marriage/her debilitation, this would appear to constitute financial abuse.

Keep us posted!

Medusa, here's another link from a California elder law firm's site that might be helpful:

http://www.elderabuselaw.com/general.php?category=Practice&headline=Elder+Abuse+Litigation

Make sure you have copies of any correspondence between yourself and the family about the different issues over the years. You will need witnesses; no doubt they will need at least a deposition, if not direct testimony, from your sister.

Perhaps you could be appointed as your mom's guardian by the courts? If not you, then an attorney? You would probably also want to request a court-ordered financial audit of their accounts, tax returns, etc. to find the money trail as to what went where when, what remains, and where it is currently. This in and of itself would be important in proving intent: if he's shifted comarital funds into accounts in his name only over the course of their marriage/her debilitation, this would appear to constitute financial abuse.

Keep us posted!