began caregiving mother in law 3/2010
My 89 year old mother in law, struggles with loss of hearing ( she needs hearing aids but cowards away from the cost), vision issues Left eye had shingles is not capable of acute vision and has glaucoma. Her right eye has cataract and glaucoma as well. The visual disability affects balance, walking and driving. Glaucoma and cataracts are being treated with eye drops at present. We asked her if she wished to live with one of her 3 children...she did not want to be a burden and did not want to live in the same living space as any of her children. We came up with a plan to help free up her real estate assets by building a mother in law suite (817 sq ft apartment) on the end of our home separate but attached. The idea was to have her sell her condo to get rid of costs like condo fees and real estate taxes and also free up the equity in case we need money for medical needs. She originally was going to pay out right to build the addition....but we were concerned with legalities and siblings who were worried about inheritance and if their mother built an apartment on our house it would not be available as inheritance upon her death due to it being on our house...we ended up taking out an equity loan taking the liability and built it... She shares the expenses we have incurred as a result of having her here. She has freed up the equity of a condo which recently sold in Lexington Ma. It seems like it is falling in place non too soon...She is deteriorating in her eyesight and mental acuity. Yet, she has developed a begrudging attitude about helping us financially and I am concerned about how we should handle things...I work part time as a dental hygienist and try to have two and half days to set aside to assist her. I take her shopping and to doctor visits, help with check book balancing the statements, foot care and pedicures, light house keeping and light meals.....as close as three feet away from access to her. I am thinking I need to hire some senior services for her...but she is resistant to spend any money.....I am only 6 mos. into this venture and already have noticed more aches, pains, stress and anxiety in my own life....any suggestions?
began caregiving mother in law 3/2010
My 89 year old mother in law, struggles with loss of hearing ( she needs hearing aids but cowards away from the cost), vision issues Left eye had shingles is not capable of acute vision and has glaucoma. Her right eye has cataract and glaucoma as well. The visual disability affects balance, walking and driving. Glaucoma and cataracts are being treated with eye drops at present. We asked her if she wished to live with one of her 3 children...she did not want to be a burden and did not want to live in the same living space as any of her children. We came up with a plan to help free up her real estate assets by building a mother in law suite (817 sq ft apartment) on the end of our home separate but attached. The idea was to have her sell her condo to get rid of costs like condo fees and real estate taxes and also free up the equity in case we need money for medical needs. She originally was going to pay out right to build the addition....but we were concerned with legalities and siblings who were worried about inheritance and if their mother built an apartment on our house it would not be available as inheritance upon her death due to it being on our house...we ended up taking out an equity loan taking the liability and built it... She shares the expenses we have incurred as a result of having her here. She has freed up the equity of a condo which recently sold in Lexington Ma. It seems like it is falling in place non too soon...She is deteriorating in her eyesight and mental acuity. Yet, she has developed a begrudging attitude about helping us financially and I am concerned about how we should handle things...I work part time as a dental hygienist and try to have two and half days to set aside to assist her. I take her shopping and to doctor visits, help with check book balancing the statements, foot care and pedicures, light house keeping and light meals.....as close as three feet away from access to her. I am thinking I need to hire some senior services for her...but she is resistant to spend any money.....I am only 6 mos. into this venture and already have noticed more aches, pains, stress and anxiety in my own life....any suggestions?
You've just posted about a situation that has intrigued me. I've thought about adding on to our house to have a loved one live with us for the purpose of providing security and care, as well. I've also thought the legalities of financial contributions and inheritance distribution later. Thanks for posting about your experience with it.
Now let me ask a few questions. Before your mother-in-law moved in, did you discuss her contribution? Are you wanting her to pay for your helping in cooking, cleaning and transportation? Or is it more like paying for her food and a portion of the electric bill, for example?
I'm wondering if you couldn't figure it all out and then present it to her in a logical way. For example, if your electric bill is $150, you could say, "Mom, we're going to split this three ways since there are three of us in the house." Or, "Here are all monthly expenses for last month. One-third of that equals $XYZ." If she balks, I think it's okay to say, "This is why you sold your condo. We are paying for the housing portion of it and are happy too. However, we've added one person and 800 square feet of house to heat/cool/light. That portion of the expense is yours."
I notice the reluctance for seniors, regardless of their financial situation, to spend money is pronounced. I don't know if it is a generational thing or just a fear that they will run out. I guess in a time in their life where their health is failing, money is the only sure thing, you know?
I don't know if I've helped much, but again, thank you for posting.
You've just posted about a situation that has intrigued me. I've thought about adding on to our house to have a loved one live with us for the purpose of providing security and care, as well. I've also thought the legalities of financial contributions and inheritance distribution later. Thanks for posting about your experience with it.
Now let me ask a few questions. Before your mother-in-law moved in, did you discuss her contribution? Are you wanting her to pay for your helping in cooking, cleaning and transportation? Or is it more like paying for her food and a portion of the electric bill, for example?
I'm wondering if you couldn't figure it all out and then present it to her in a logical way. For example, if your electric bill is $150, you could say, "Mom, we're going to split this three ways since there are three of us in the house." Or, "Here are all monthly expenses for last month. One-third of that equals $XYZ." If she balks, I think it's okay to say, "This is why you sold your condo. We are paying for the housing portion of it and are happy too. However, we've added one person and 800 square feet of house to heat/cool/light. That portion of the expense is yours."
I notice the reluctance for seniors, regardless of their financial situation, to spend money is pronounced. I don't know if it is a generational thing or just a fear that they will run out. I guess in a time in their life where their health is failing, money is the only sure thing, you know?
I don't know if I've helped much, but again, thank you for posting.
We were very clear with MIL before we moved her in that us moving to a bigger apartment with the extra bills was going to cost, and she would have to contribute. Currently, we only make her pay a third of the rent, since she's on SSI and doesn't get much money. We were also clear on what we would provide for that money, pretty much rent, cable, power, and home phone. If she wanted specific special things, like special foods, she'd have to give us more money. (We buy the food and cook.) She has to buy her own toiletries and personal items. She's currently giving us money towards groceries, but we didn't ask her to.
We have an arrangement with her car that we will gas it and maintain it, but she has to let us drive it if we need it. She did try to use the car as punishment when she didn't get her way. She stopped letting us use it, but then wondered why we didn't put gas in it for her.
We showed her what our expenses were and noted that she was only paying 20 percent of the household bills, so she was getting off easy. We pay for premium cable so she's entertained during the day .
We were very clear with MIL before we moved her in that us moving to a bigger apartment with the extra bills was going to cost, and she would have to contribute. Currently, we only make her pay a third of the rent, since she's on SSI and doesn't get much money. We were also clear on what we would provide for that money, pretty much rent, cable, power, and home phone. If she wanted specific special things, like special foods, she'd have to give us more money. (We buy the food and cook.) She has to buy her own toiletries and personal items. She's currently giving us money towards groceries, but we didn't ask her to.
We have an arrangement with her car that we will gas it and maintain it, but she has to let us drive it if we need it. She did try to use the car as punishment when she didn't get her way. She stopped letting us use it, but then wondered why we didn't put gas in it for her.
We showed her what our expenses were and noted that she was only paying 20 percent of the household bills, so she was getting off easy. We pay for premium cable so she's entertained during the day .
Thank you for sharing. I am not there yet on the living arrangement, but I do understand the battle to get things like a hearing aid. My dad got one in July and it was a lot more than I thought it would be. My argument to him was pretty simple. "I am tired of yelling at you so you can hear me." It changed a lot of the dynamics of our relationship. I can have an actual conversation with him now. He can participate in conversations with doctors, can go to the senior center and be part of the group...so many things improved just because he could hear. It is one very fixable problem and can improve her quality of life. The fee for the hearing aid included life time maintenance and we can go get a "tune up" on it free of charge also. As for spending all of your time off being a caretaker, that needs to be addressed. Consider getting a once a week housekeeper and involve her in choosing the person so that you have one less chore to deal with. Also, do you have a senior center in your area? That would be an activity for her to do alone and give you some free time in your off time, too.
Thank you for sharing. I am not there yet on the living arrangement, but I do understand the battle to get things like a hearing aid. My dad got one in July and it was a lot more than I thought it would be. My argument to him was pretty simple. "I am tired of yelling at you so you can hear me." It changed a lot of the dynamics of our relationship. I can have an actual conversation with him now. He can participate in conversations with doctors, can go to the senior center and be part of the group...so many things improved just because he could hear. It is one very fixable problem and can improve her quality of life. The fee for the hearing aid included life time maintenance and we can go get a "tune up" on it free of charge also. As for spending all of your time off being a caretaker, that needs to be addressed. Consider getting a once a week housekeeper and involve her in choosing the person so that you have one less chore to deal with. Also, do you have a senior center in your area? That would be an activity for her to do alone and give you some free time in your off time, too.
I can feel your frustration....My Mother pays us every month..she is on QMB Medicaid and is on food stamps. she is obligated by the state to pay us 1/3 of all the bills that come in which is only fair because she has no bills at all when medicaid foots it all!! My siblings have been giving me a hard time about taking Mom's money but yet they won't even contribute hardly any time for her themselves!! My brother is out of state and will be taking her in.....the laws there are very similar to Texas but he says they are not required to pay them for her room and board........she would have been denied coverage here had we told them she wasn't paying us anything........They have no clue what we've through but yet can balk and not be supportive....my brother will see in time!!!
I can feel your frustration....My Mother pays us every month..she is on QMB Medicaid and is on food stamps. she is obligated by the state to pay us 1/3 of all the bills that come in which is only fair because she has no bills at all when medicaid foots it all!! My siblings have been giving me a hard time about taking Mom's money but yet they won't even contribute hardly any time for her themselves!! My brother is out of state and will be taking her in.....the laws there are very similar to Texas but he says they are not required to pay them for her room and board........she would have been denied coverage here had we told them she wasn't paying us anything........They have no clue what we've through but yet can balk and not be supportive....my brother will see in time!!!