Hi...this is my first time writing and to be quite honest, I feel like a selfish child compared to what I'm reading here. Let me explain...
I recently suddenly seperated from my husband due to an outburst on his part that resulted in assault upon me. Not wanting to play the victim anymore, I packed up my car and headed east. After a few months with a freind, my sister called me to give me the option to live with my Mom so the family could delay putting her into assisted living. I agreed and traveled south to set up house with her.
My mother is diagnosed with dementia and has very limited mobility due to 2 bad knees. At first, the arrangement was good. I found a way to have sympathy and understanding even thru the horrible negative attitude my mother displayed. What I didn't understand was how much of a toll emotionally all of this was going to have on me as time went on. Not only did I need to keep from being overcome by my own personal marital difficulties, but also had to face the emotional turmoil that ensued when combined with my mother often combative nature.
I wake up most mornings now feeling drained and depressed before my feet even hit the floor. Even though my moms attitude has gotten better and she even has come to appreicate me to a certain extent, I am finding it hard to have compassion for her or even for myself.
Is this normal? How can I remain here in good conscience taking care of my mother when I know I am not demonstrating the most caring attitude and am really quite depressed myself?
I feel awful about this but am not sure what to do. I go to church and a care group on Wed nights thru church, and found some light dutied part time work to help me keep myself busy, and at first it helped, but really right now, I find myself just going thru motions without emotion or cry when I feel really bad.
Any response will help...thank you.
Hi MsBev! I'm so sorry for your situation - it's so hard to keep a positive attitude when things around you just keep beating you down, right?
Let's see. Options. One, you might find a support group or a counselor for yourself, to perhaps learn some tips on how to care for yourself better, so that you can be a better careGIVER, too, which I think you would like to be if I am reading your post correct, right? I see you go to a care group, but I'm not sure what that is - other caregivers?
Two, how about some respite care, someone to come in for an hour or two every day or every few days, so you can take yourself off to your own room, or out to lunch alone, to get your hair done, to walk in the park - just some time for you.
And maybe, pull out some old photos or home movies and have a reminscing time with your mom. Maybe happier times will help you feel better, too.
And get some sunshine. Outside. :)
Let us know how you're faring!
LauraL
Thank you Laural...
Let me clarify a couple of things for ya..
The caregroup I attend is a spiritual one, not one related to caregiving.
I have been seeing a counselor but it was originally to deal with my own personal issues. I believe now I need to bring my caregiving-depression concerns to my next session.
As for respite care, the problem is that my mother will not go anywhere...she is very reclusive. No shopping, no resturants, not even drives to the beach. She remains in the house for most of the day. Occasionally she will go for a spin around the park in her little scooter saying hello to the nieghbors. I do get out and away for 2-4 hours at a time and she is able to take care of herself for that time, but I have absolutly no alone time in the house when I'm there. Living in a small house with my ill mom is a life style change I had no idea would have such a negative effect on me but apparantly it is becasue I left a large home that I had to myself much of the time.
I guess I had no idea how much a change like this could affect me. I know the sacrifice is paying off because the nieghbors here say they notice a positive change in my mother, as to have I and the family.
I didn't understand at first how drastic a change this all was and how caregiving of my own mom could have a negative effect on me. I appreciate a sounding board like this one and will continue to come back for feedback and advice.
Thanks....
Hi Bev,
I have three thoughts for you.
1. Respite care can be for several days at a time and often the caregiver can come to your home. That would enable you to get away for more than a few hours and breathe.
2. Ask your sister to take a turn. Could your mom go stay with her for a period of time. Maybe even just a month?
3. Give some thought about whether delaying assisted living is the best thing for your and your mom's situation.
I'll be thinking about you. *hugs* I'm glad you posted. I really think you're feeling the way lots of people do, just maybe don't want to admit. For what it's worth, I don't think it's selfish in any way. It's valid. You HAVE had some major life changes. Having issues with them is natural. Heck far smaller things throw me.
Please keep us updated.
Hi Bev,
In the response directly above it states "you're feeling the way lots of people do" is absolutely right on. My case just about mirrors your case. Other than not being married, I too take care of my elderly mother who is extremely negative and critical, not going out etc....I have a brother and sister but they do not want to spend time with her because of her personality. I too took this on to delay in sending her to assisted living and I too cry and am very depressed. So how am I dealing with this all? First of all I put myself in my mothers place and know that I would want family taking care of me as long as possible. If I could not walk or remember things I too would most likely be frustrated and upset, probably not take it out on loved ones as much as my mother, but I can see why she would. Then I pray. I pray to my Lord and Saviour asking Him for strength, courage and patience. I do not feel guilty because these feelings of frustration and depression are valid, but I, as well as you, know I am giving back to my mother for all the years she put up with me! One moment at a time Bev. Knowing that even though your mother, my mother, may not verbalize their appreciation, in what we are doing, WE know and more improtantly God knows!
Take care of yourself,
Tess
Bev, I am going to play devils advocate here. Divorce, moving (did you move far are you even in the same town you used to be?) and the downturn in a family members life are all up there on the tectonic scale of life stress events. I'm going to get personal here. I'm guessing that your marriage wasn't supportive for a long time, do you have girlfriends or did he cut you off from them? Do you have the finances or the skills to find a job and support yourself? You said you were living with a friend, is there someone who would take you in till you get on your feet? Taking care of your Mother is a noble undertaking but it may not be the right thing for you to do at this time in your life. Your siblings think they are doing you a favor but if you weren't in this situation where would your Mom be now. Chances are she would BE in that assisted living facility. Does your Mom have the financial resources to afford assisted care? If she moves out of the house who will it go to? You, a trust, your siblings or the govt to pay for her care? Right now you are living in the tortured moment and I know that at both your stage of life and your Mom's its one hurdle after another but if her end of life is killing you then its a lose-lose for you both. Maybe its time to move on and let Mom go where she needs to go. It forces the family to make tough decisions that no one wants to make but if you step down from this responsibility you need feel no guilt. Life requires tough decisions and in the end YOUR quality of life MATTERS too.!!!
Thank you Tess for your kind words and encouragement. I KNOW that if not for the love of my Lord and Savior, I would not be able to withstand the onslaught of events that have occured to me up to now..and only by His strength do I continue on.
West Sac Gal...don't think I don't understand completly everything you have written...for I do and then some. To clarify a few things....No my marriage has not been the best for many years now....I moved over 3000 miles away from my home and my husband due to his anger issues and to get a different perspective for a while...my supportive friends are all 1000's of miles away...my family totally understands that it is up to me to decide how long I care for my mom and supports me in any decision I make...my brother is executer of the estate and I am being compenstated for my time with my mom as well as room and board...I recently secured a job with Comfort Keepers part-time as a fill in when they need me to help me gain some experience in a new carreer step. My mother has enough funds left to get into a nice assisted home for a year or tow...and will have to be "Tricked" into going to assisted living for she is very very adamant about staying in her home. I have recently realized that I cannot stay here for the long term. and am not looking forward to the day when my mom will be angry at all of us for putting her in a home, but it looks as though that will happen in a few months. Caretaking her is taking a huge toll on my well-being even though I'm doing everything I can to make things work out.
Thank you both for you concern and helpful insight. I am thankful for places like this to come and get much valued support....
msbev
I couldn't agree anymore with Tess. My narcististic brother wanted to put Mother into assisted living because he couldn't take her "I just a nervous wreck" response to everything. To give you an idea, in the 1/12 years I've been taking care of mom, by brother has been here (20 mins. away) 3 times. I packed up and moved from the place I've dreamed of living my whole life, in the Moountains, in the woods, on the river, no neighbors, 5 acres of perfect yard and gardens and trees etc. Heaven on earth to the city of Renton. That alone was enough to cause severe depression, which I already suffer from, along with severe bone disease. I tell you this because they only way I could do this is and survive is by my faith. i believe this is my purpose and what a gift to know that God loves me so much he's given me the opportunity to serve him in the way he so desiresl. Don't get me wrong , taking care of my mother is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I don't wake up in the morning all happy and ready to go. The depression, lonliness, stress and all the other things are right there all the time. In the year and 1/2 I've been doing this I have had a total of 3 afternoons alone, not nearly enough.
It is easy for others to tell you what you need to do to survive. Have others help, get respite (I didn't even know what that was until last week)get her interested in other thiings, you know the list I'm referring to. If it only was that easy. My mother is evil. No better word. Even with her Catholic views she is unbelievable. Negative, critical, demanding etc. She doesn't wantt do anything, go anywhere (except church - so senior centers are out), not alot of visitors, because of her attitude.
Nothing is right from the way I tear the lettuce to the way I fold clothes. It's my bad childhood allover again but worsel. Now she has the tantrums etc. My mother even thinks that "free room and board is enough "pay". She is not hurting for money. The 24 hour day has now turned into a 36 hour day. It's not like I'm constantly doing tasks that so tiring it's the constant bitching that gets me.
I've have finally figured out that my soberiety is at risk (19 years sober) and YES I am the most important one in this relationship. I can't do this anymore without help.. Doesn't mean I'm lazy (and I don't care anymore what others think ) it just means that I'm killing myself and I don't have too. I'm fortunate that I can afford to pay someone to help with the housework and yardwork, again this is the only way i'm going to get a break. My mother won't go anywhere and doesn't want anybody helping her so ........
Obvoiusly I needed to "talk" with others going through the same thing, just read what I've wrote. Noboby knows what we're going through no matter their good intentions.
I've gotten off track, sorry.! Take heart knowing that you are not alone, your feelings are not "bad" and you are doing the right thing. You know what's in your heart and so does our Lord. Thank God, otherwise I would be dead.
If you need help and can't afford it, check with Catholic Services. They have tremendous volunteers to help.
In my thoughts and prayers..........Imelda
Nice to hear that I'm not the only one feeling like a monster. I mean it's not nice that you feel that way. It's simply horrible. My husband and Ihave been at my grandfather's now, 7 years! And let me tell you, don't pay attention to what your family will think, pay more attention to the way you feel and to have more peace of mind than just survival. I am to the point that after these 7 years I am completely ready to move out. However, my husband recently lost his job and it's been difficult at best to find a job that I can earn enough money to support us... so now I'm really stuck. But we're continuing to try to make something happen for ourselves, so we can move out. I've had it and relatives, there of no help at all. But when I move, they will have to step up to the plate... and as for my grandfather? He's gonna have to feel the consequences of his telling lies about us to get someone's attention.... only this time it's gonna cost him, us... I can't deal with it anymore. So, before I find myself alone and it's primarily cause of the stress that this caretakers position that we have been forced into has brought into our life. I keep thinking that if I was gone from here, maybe my relationship with my grandfather would improve... cause right now I surely can't even fathom having to spend any time with him leisurely at all. I do want this though. So, my bottom line advise is take care of yourself and your life plans, because you only have this one chance... and ain't no one gonna make it happen for you...
I have been having such a difficult time dealing with my elderly parents who live in an assisted living with a 24/7 aide. Things still happen where the aide is totally clueless, allows my dad to call me (which the aide is prohibited to allow him to do) and finds absolutely no help from any staff member either onsite or offsite by phone.
Last week when my dad called me all agitated about 2 silly things (to me, anyway) I was calm and calmed him down, but afterwards I get myself sick about it as this is not my job, with paying the AL over $6,000 per mo. and the aide about $5,000 per mo.
I get myself ill...emotionally, mentally and physically and feel like all the joy I should be experiencing is being sucked right out of me. I have one bro in another state and he leaves everything up to me. I am in desperate need of support immediately.
My therapist stopped helping, I can't take any more meds, and I can't even sleep well at night. I cry everyday, and I finally found an Alzheimer's group meeting only to find out I did not belong there and was told by the leader NOT to return because her support group is for spouses and not children of parents with alzheimer's. What a crock if I've ever heard one.
I went home that day and spent the rest of the day crying or sleeping and did not want to do anything or see or interact with anyone. I don't know where to turn, except to try another alzheimer's support group but I would specifically ask ahead of time who their group is intended for.
To every other caregiver out there, I give you my complete support and understanding. I have never been prepared for this....I am guardian and have to do bank transactions, and I feel like I am headed for a nervous breakdown and don't want to check myself into the psych ward. I just need some compassion from knowledgeable people and someone to talk and vent to from a person with true understanding of what I go through daily.
I can't bear being depressed anymore....I was getting better...but whenever my dad starts calling me with his or my mom's problems, I can't deal with them anymore. I need others to give them the right care and intervene when necessary. I am just tired of all this and there are days when I really don't want to get up anymore...for another day of being alone and being scared and worried.
Jan 52,
I want you to know you are not alone. I have experienced the same thing with my mother. Some of us are meant to be caregivers and others are not.
I came into this situation with my mother totally jazzed that I would be helping her. But each morning I deteriorated little by little. I didn't know what it was about. I began seeking help with a therapist also, but soon gave that up for help in the church. I did find friends there and got into spiritual healing. I also could not take meds any longer due to certain issues and as time went on I felt OK. I healed from emotional breakdowns I had been having for some years thru the healing at the church and was OK till my husband decided to join me here with my Mom after he lost his job. That didn't work out. He couldn't handle it at all and after some disagreements which were not good for any of us in the household so he left. I once again was left alone and feeling abandoned. Once again I started to fall apart.
What is happening now is that I cried out to my family who really don't have a clue as to what I'm going thru. They aren't much help either and really don't understand how overwhelming this is to me. My husband does understand now but he just can't live here to help. He has secured an apartment for us to live in together once he gets the business started he is working on and I can get out of this situation.
As I said my family does know that I need to get out of this and arrangements are going to be made, but it doesn't seem soon enuff for me. I find praying to reaching out to the Lord in a time of need like this to be my only saving grace. God knows the pain you are in my freind. He sees it all and knows that you are being torn apart. I know it's breaking my heart to be here with momma and not understand how to be more saintly. I have just gotten thru with a rough night myself and am doing everything I can to maintain, but I haven't slept in over 24 hours and am not sure I can go into the little 3 hour job I have on Mondays only. I know I've been trying to do to much with all that's been happening in my marriage and with trying to caretake my mom. I know I need to take better care of myself but just seem to be at a standstill as to how. I am so very very grateful that at a time like this I have the Lord to comfort me and protect me. He will do the same for you. Cry out to Him as I am and He will help you find a way. He is trustworthy.
I will pray for you right now and know you are not alone.
Bev
Hi Bev,
I want to thank you ever so much for reaching out to me as you just did. I do feel like each day I am getting weaker instead of stronger, and I definitely do need religion and spirituality back in my life, something I will find for myself.
I think when those close to us don't understand, it is because they can't handle the situation at all while we at least give it our best shot to do whatever we can for our parent(s).
The darkness of winter makes it that much harder on me, particularly since oce the sun starts to go down I can't see. I had to have surgery this past year to re-attach my left retina due to detachment, and now a cataract is just about ready to be operated on.
Thank you again for reaching out to me. It means more than I can ever express.
Have a great day.
Hello MSBEV,
I came across your discussion while looking for another. I would like to tell you that I really sympathize with you. Just trying to deal with a emotional issue like separating or a divorce is devastating all by itself. I have been there too. But then having to totally take on this new life is a double whammy. Depression surely sets in amongst every other emotional roller coaster ride there is. I have been dealing with double whammies for along time. It just gets to the point where you just want to scream and escape but no place to go. I have found myself not having the compassion or feeling like a selfish, bad person. I have to tell myself that things will change eventually, nothing ever stays the same. I also have to try and forgive myself sometimes for my bad thoughts and for acting out at times about my parents. I realize thought that in my situation I have had a lot of emotional issues including a special needs child who depends on me. So, I know that I have to tell myself that I have to take one day at a time and to not be so hard on myself, because in my situation I am doing the best I know how. I hope you allow yourself to forgive yourself and to know that you are not alone in these feelings. Sarah
I understand what you are going through. I just had to demand that my sister take some time to care for my 94 year old mother who has been living with my husband and myself for the past 7 years. At first it was ok because she was able to take care of herself for as the years went on she now takes things and hid them in her purse or in her room, she gets up in the middle of the night and gets dress as if she is going out. She also talks nasty to us which really upsets my husband. All if this is causing stress on both my husbands health and my health. I told my sister that if she cant take care of her for a while that she would have to go to a nusing home or an assisted living facility. My prayers are with you and a big hug from me. I need your prays as well.
Hi Bev, I am in the same situation my mother is narcissistic and thinks this is owed to her and she doesn't need to act like she appreciate me. she never has suppose she never will. Anyhow, I tried tallking to m sister, she does not think wha I do is a job and i just need to put my foot down period. my husband says he sees the way my mother treats me like a dog and he and my sister tell me I take it. I don't feel I dol I have a choice do I hve enough stess or do I ant to add to it with argumets and shouting and angryness, no don't want the latter. Anh help will be appreiatedl also I tak an antideppesant and a anxiety pill which helps most of he time. mom has afib if we sart arguing she ill go into afib and back to hospital so I keep things as simple as possible.
