Asking Siblings for Financial Contribution Towards Mom's Care
Hello, everyone. Hope your holidays are blessed -- not stressed!
I have just done something that has filled me with guilt: I asked my brother to contribute towards my mom's care.
Mom has Alzheimer's and lives with me 24/7. She sold her house but we used that money to pay for in-home companion care -- until her long-term health insurance kicked in. Even with
that, and her social security check -- it's tough to make ends meet.
To make matters worse, my daughter just finished college and now her school loans are due.
My brother lives in Alaska -- I'm in NJ. He calls mom every week or two, but doesn't ever visit.
I have taken no time away from my mom since she moved in - more than a year ago. I am emotionally exhausted, and the financial worries only add to the stress.
Yes - mom has insurance and social security -- but it still costs a lot to take care of her. I will keep her at home as long as possible -- and when that's no longer safe, I'll try to get her into assisted living. At that point, I
won't worry about money, because it's covered by her insurance.
It's just this in-between time.
My brother sounded exasperated. He's got kids in college, too - and he figured mom's situation was all paid for by her insurance,social security. He said he'd do what he could -- I did NOT name a figure -- but I feel terribly guilty about asking him for money.
I have been paying a lot towards keeping my daughter in college -- and I could cut back on that. But I don't want to renege on my promise to her, either.
Did I do the wrong thing in asking my brother to contribute towards mom's upkeep?
PLEASE let me know ASAP. I don't want to antagonize him - or have him demand a monthly accounting of mom's finances, etc etc. That'd just make more work for me.
Thanks and happy holidays. Memere's Daughter
You did NOT do wrong by asking for your brothers help. by the way, I totally fail to understand why NOBODY has replied before this. that isn't very nice. anyway, NO, you did NOTHING wrong.
BUT, don't expect any help. in the real world, people often if not always care ONLY about themselves. obviously, there are exceptions. like you for one example :)
I truly wish you all the luck possible with this. but I'm afraid some people just can't be bothered. my sister retired 2 days ago from a govt. job, with full pension. plus, she paid in to have her time in the military count as 20 years (not sure how that works..another scam) so, there's TWO retirements. and she is staying on in her old job as a temp for $35.00 per hour. I don't get a wooden nickel from anyone for taking care of my Mom. not a penny.
Nice world we live in eh?
You did NOT do wrong by asking for your brothers help. by the way, I totally fail to understand why NOBODY has replied before this. that isn't very nice. anyway, NO, you did NOTHING wrong.
BUT, don't expect any help. in the real world, people often if not always care ONLY about themselves. obviously, there are exceptions. like you for one example :)
I truly wish you all the luck possible with this. but I'm afraid some people just can't be bothered. my sister retired 2 days ago from a govt. job, with full pension. plus, she paid in to have her time in the military count as 20 years (not sure how that works..another scam) so, there's TWO retirements. and she is staying on in her old job as a temp for $35.00 per hour. I don't get a wooden nickel from anyone for taking care of my Mom. not a penny.
Nice world we live in eh?
A WAKE-UP CALL TO FAMILY MEMBERS... For some reason, agreement regarding the financial compensation for care of a family member is typically so much more straight forward when the caregiver is not a member of the family. This applies even to the person receiving the care. All of a sudden, the $10 or $15 per hour that is seen as fair compensation for outside care seems extravagant for a daughter, son or other relative who is usually giving a much higher quality of care...plus love. It is that higher level of care and the emotions that are invested to give that care which are so easily overlooked and taken for granted. Just because a family member decides that they would like to be the one to give the care does not mean they do not deserve, at the very least, the financial compensation that would be unthinkable to withhold from an employed caregiver. Even if the money is not needed, it is about gratitude, respect and acknowledgment of the sacrifices and loving care being given that money can't buy.
A WAKE-UP CALL TO FAMILY MEMBERS... For some reason, agreement regarding the financial compensation for care of a family member is typically so much more straight forward when the caregiver is not a member of the family. This applies even to the person receiving the care. All of a sudden, the $10 or $15 per hour that is seen as fair compensation for outside care seems extravagant for a daughter, son or other relative who is usually giving a much higher quality of care...plus love. It is that higher level of care and the emotions that are invested to give that care which are so easily overlooked and taken for granted. Just because a family member decides that they would like to be the one to give the care does not mean they do not deserve, at the very least, the financial compensation that would be unthinkable to withhold from an employed caregiver. Even if the money is not needed, it is about gratitude, respect and acknowledgment of the sacrifices and loving care being given that money can't buy.
Another avenue to alert siblings of the cost caring for your Mom is to put pen to paper. I created a spreadsheet and list monthly expenses to include clothing, transportation, food and add the time I have invested as well. Then send a doctor's report on her visits along with the spreadsheet monthly or quarterly to your siblings letting them know your investment in her care. They have no earthly idea how much it costs to support a human being that cannot care for themselves. Seeing it in writing makes it a reality. Attend some support groups and don't be afraid to ask for help. These groups have so many resources that can alleviate some of your stress. Seems strangers are more willing to give you the support you need than our own families are.
Another avenue to alert siblings of the cost caring for your Mom is to put pen to paper. I created a spreadsheet and list monthly expenses to include clothing, transportation, food and add the time I have invested as well. Then send a doctor's report on her visits along with the spreadsheet monthly or quarterly to your siblings letting them know your investment in her care. They have no earthly idea how much it costs to support a human being that cannot care for themselves. Seeing it in writing makes it a reality. Attend some support groups and don't be afraid to ask for help. These groups have so many resources that can alleviate some of your stress. Seems strangers are more willing to give you the support you need than our own families are.
By all means, find a support group! You would be amazed at the information AND help you will get! My husband has advanced Alzheimers, and is currently in a nursing home, but I cared for him until 3 months ago, when I physically could not do it any longer. I asked his sons if they could help financially, NO WAY! One son has never even called to see how his dad is doing, the other son calls about once a month, but the DIL told me "Well, you know they haven't been close for a long time." Both sons live on the East coast and we are midwesterners. It's a sad world we live in, families just plain don't care! As long as it doesn't cost them anything, they are loving & caring, but the moment sickness comes along, or financial burdens, they can't (won't) help! The Alzheimers Association can guide you to the right resources! Good Luck and hang in there, God gives us caregivers special blessings!
By all means, find a support group! You would be amazed at the information AND help you will get! My husband has advanced Alzheimers, and is currently in a nursing home, but I cared for him until 3 months ago, when I physically could not do it any longer. I asked his sons if they could help financially, NO WAY! One son has never even called to see how his dad is doing, the other son calls about once a month, but the DIL told me "Well, you know they haven't been close for a long time." Both sons live on the East coast and we are midwesterners. It's a sad world we live in, families just plain don't care! As long as it doesn't cost them anything, they are loving & caring, but the moment sickness comes along, or financial burdens, they can't (won't) help! The Alzheimers Association can guide you to the right resources! Good Luck and hang in there, God gives us caregivers special blessings!
Hello to everyone out there, this has been a huge problem with me also. It does seem to cost more than my do-nothing sister thinks. I sent her 2 e-mails and finally decided to call her. I was angry about the fact that she was obviously ignoring me. My husband's brother is her husband. He never even called or acknowledged our emails regarding taking mom for a few days. I will never call them again. I have had to let the anger go. All it was doing was emotionally tearing me up. My father woud be so disappointed in all of them. He helped her so much and now she cannot even pitch in and give us a break. My grandchildren have been wonderful. (her's call maybe every 3-4 months making all kinds of promises to come and see mom, yet have not seen one of them.) Good luck with your situation, dear. Hugs
Hello to everyone out there, this has been a huge problem with me also. It does seem to cost more than my do-nothing sister thinks. I sent her 2 e-mails and finally decided to call her. I was angry about the fact that she was obviously ignoring me. My husband's brother is her husband. He never even called or acknowledged our emails regarding taking mom for a few days. I will never call them again. I have had to let the anger go. All it was doing was emotionally tearing me up. My father woud be so disappointed in all of them. He helped her so much and now she cannot even pitch in and give us a break. My grandchildren have been wonderful. (her's call maybe every 3-4 months making all kinds of promises to come and see mom, yet have not seen one of them.) Good luck with your situation, dear. Hugs
Hello, and AMEN!! Thanks for your post. It's right on.
Hello, and AMEN!! Thanks for your post. It's right on.
I am my Mother's caregiver and have outside help. All my life I worked and never asked anybody for anything. Now I am paying for help at night and I turned to her Grandchildren for some help. They all have children and expenses of their own, but send me some money for food. My sister has no money and doesn't even help to take care of her to give me a break. All the money I saved to retire is now going on my Mother's care. When it comes down to it, depend on yourself and don't feel funny asking for help - it is his Mother too!
I am my Mother's caregiver and have outside help. All my life I worked and never asked anybody for anything. Now I am paying for help at night and I turned to her Grandchildren for some help. They all have children and expenses of their own, but send me some money for food. My sister has no money and doesn't even help to take care of her to give me a break. All the money I saved to retire is now going on my Mother's care. When it comes down to it, depend on yourself and don't feel funny asking for help - it is his Mother too!
Unfortunately for many of us, we have a difficult time asking for help. We feel like this person is our responsibility but that does not mean that we should not utilize all resources avaiable to fullfill our responsibility. Take it from me...I know. I am the youngest of two, my sister has split the sceen and to tell the truth, she wasn't around very much when all was well so forget about it now. However, I've begun to ask for any help I can get, most recently it was having my oldest Niece as "responsible party" for my parents so that my husband and I could take a vacation. My mother has always said she didn't want to be a burden to her children, but she has quite a controlling personality, very demanding. I've had to stand strong and tell her a few things about herself and how her ways can either be a bridge to keep us together or apart. We're still working on it but our relationship is getting better. So long story short, state the facts of what's going on, present figures and ask for what you need. I don't beleive in begging, I'll ask once or twice but after that they better not ask or say NOTHING to me.
Unfortunately for many of us, we have a difficult time asking for help. We feel like this person is our responsibility but that does not mean that we should not utilize all resources avaiable to fullfill our responsibility. Take it from me...I know. I am the youngest of two, my sister has split the sceen and to tell the truth, she wasn't around very much when all was well so forget about it now. However, I've begun to ask for any help I can get, most recently it was having my oldest Niece as "responsible party" for my parents so that my husband and I could take a vacation. My mother has always said she didn't want to be a burden to her children, but she has quite a controlling personality, very demanding. I've had to stand strong and tell her a few things about herself and how her ways can either be a bridge to keep us together or apart. We're still working on it but our relationship is getting better. So long story short, state the facts of what's going on, present figures and ask for what you need. I don't beleive in begging, I'll ask once or twice but after that they better not ask or say NOTHING to me.
Hi, all, and thanks for your kind words of encouragement and advice. crusingdiva!'s right - so many of us DON'T know how to ask for help.
I am one of those people.
And I am SO grateful to everyone here who offers support and shines a light down those dark paths we fear to tread -- and I owe you all an update. A lot has happened between my initial post, and today.
In a couple of weeks, my mom is moving into an assisted living facility -- about 20 minutes away from our home. Assuming all goes well...
Mom is SO not happy about going -- really, who WOULD be? She is grim and dour and angry -- even though she knows we have few choices (and indeed -- we are FAR luckier than many families coping with this disease!!)
Mom knows that things cannot continue the way they are now -- and for many reasons, not all of them financial.
Mom and my daughter (who's 22) can't sit in the same room without an argument erupting. (They have hissy fights because my Mom sneaks into my daughter's stash of double-stuff Oreos -- and then fibs about it. The woman turns 80 next month. It'd be hilarious, if it weren't so incredibly sad ...) But everyone is SO TENSE -- ALL THE TIME.
Mom's current caregiver -- a lovely woman -- unfortunately lacks the language skills and the personal gravitas to lead Mom into any beneficial activities. Basically, Mom feels she can ignore the caregiver with impunity. And she does.
I come home from work and find them both watching tv. Not a good scene, overall. Since last fall, Mom's lost language skills and her physical condition has deteriorated. She's sliding a lot faster than I ever expected. She is also very depressed -- her doctor just doubled her daily dose of Zoloft.
I would try to find a cmopanion/caregiver with better training -- more confidence -- but we CANNOT afford those one-on-one caregivers. Worse -- I would need someone to live with us almost 24/7, because my work hours are so irregular. When it's blizzarding and flooding -- I have to BE AT WORK. I don't have a spare room and we don't have the resources.
Mind you -- this whole arrangement -- besides being problematic -- also strained my finances (and Mom's) to the max. And while my brother did (finally) send some money (I still have some stashed away for Mom-related emergencies) -- I felt like all our money was basically going down the drain, and not benefitting Mom.
My brother asked, why isn't Mom in assisted living? Answer -- because she really doesn't want to go there, and copes badly with changes in her routine (standard Alzheimer's.)
But I looked into it -- because I'd run out of viable options.
Here's the bottom line: the facility will offer Mom a chance to interact and exercise her mind and body. She will NOT be "in lockdown" -- but will receive a level of assistance consistent with her condition. She'll have her own room. She'll be only 20 minutes away -- between home and work, for me.
The facility (in northwestern New Jersey) is lovely and scored an A++++ on its last state health dept. inspection. It has sterling creds.
The cost? I almost had a heart attack. But -- and this is a testament to Mom's advance planning -- her long term insurance -- PLUS her Medicare -- PLUS a little monthly annuity she gets -- covers most of it. I will still have to find some extra money, but I can do that.
Here's the rub: I feel horrible. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I had wanted Mom to stay home with us longer.
I KNOW I'm am rationalizing this move -- for my own relief. I tell myself -- my exhaustion and frequent days off to care for Mom have NOT endeared me to my bosses -- and in this job market, that's pretty terrifying. And, yes -- I am SCARED to lose my job. (I'm almost 56. That says it all.)
You can tick off my reasons -- fear, exhaustion, finances, tension -- and all the emotional baggage.
It's not a graceful transition.
Mom's going into assisted living. She's unhappy, my brother's pleased, and I'm -- guilty and relieved.
So that's where we're at. I have just finished faxing more legal paperwork and have two doctor's exams (and more paperwork) set up for Mom for next week.
I'd be grateful for any shared experiences or advice (or warnings!) from you all. You've been where I'm headed. I'm thinking, it's going to get worse, before (IF!!) it gets any better.
Happy Easter to all -- and, again, thanks for your support.
Best,
Memere's Daughter
Hi, all, and thanks for your kind words of encouragement and advice. crusingdiva!'s right - so many of us DON'T know how to ask for help.
I am one of those people.
And I am SO grateful to everyone here who offers support and shines a light down those dark paths we fear to tread -- and I owe you all an update. A lot has happened between my initial post, and today.
In a couple of weeks, my mom is moving into an assisted living facility -- about 20 minutes away from our home. Assuming all goes well...
Mom is SO not happy about going -- really, who WOULD be? She is grim and dour and angry -- even though she knows we have few choices (and indeed -- we are FAR luckier than many families coping with this disease!!)
Mom knows that things cannot continue the way they are now -- and for many reasons, not all of them financial.
Mom and my daughter (who's 22) can't sit in the same room without an argument erupting. (They have hissy fights because my Mom sneaks into my daughter's stash of double-stuff Oreos -- and then fibs about it. The woman turns 80 next month. It'd be hilarious, if it weren't so incredibly sad ...) But everyone is SO TENSE -- ALL THE TIME.
Mom's current caregiver -- a lovely woman -- unfortunately lacks the language skills and the personal gravitas to lead Mom into any beneficial activities. Basically, Mom feels she can ignore the caregiver with impunity. And she does.
I come home from work and find them both watching tv. Not a good scene, overall. Since last fall, Mom's lost language skills and her physical condition has deteriorated. She's sliding a lot faster than I ever expected. She is also very depressed -- her doctor just doubled her daily dose of Zoloft.
I would try to find a cmopanion/caregiver with better training -- more confidence -- but we CANNOT afford those one-on-one caregivers. Worse -- I would need someone to live with us almost 24/7, because my work hours are so irregular. When it's blizzarding and flooding -- I have to BE AT WORK. I don't have a spare room and we don't have the resources.
Mind you -- this whole arrangement -- besides being problematic -- also strained my finances (and Mom's) to the max. And while my brother did (finally) send some money (I still have some stashed away for Mom-related emergencies) -- I felt like all our money was basically going down the drain, and not benefitting Mom.
My brother asked, why isn't Mom in assisted living? Answer -- because she really doesn't want to go there, and copes badly with changes in her routine (standard Alzheimer's.)
But I looked into it -- because I'd run out of viable options.
Here's the bottom line: the facility will offer Mom a chance to interact and exercise her mind and body. She will NOT be "in lockdown" -- but will receive a level of assistance consistent with her condition. She'll have her own room. She'll be only 20 minutes away -- between home and work, for me.
The facility (in northwestern New Jersey) is lovely and scored an A++++ on its last state health dept. inspection. It has sterling creds.
The cost? I almost had a heart attack. But -- and this is a testament to Mom's advance planning -- her long term insurance -- PLUS her Medicare -- PLUS a little monthly annuity she gets -- covers most of it. I will still have to find some extra money, but I can do that.
Here's the rub: I feel horrible. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I had wanted Mom to stay home with us longer.
I KNOW I'm am rationalizing this move -- for my own relief. I tell myself -- my exhaustion and frequent days off to care for Mom have NOT endeared me to my bosses -- and in this job market, that's pretty terrifying. And, yes -- I am SCARED to lose my job. (I'm almost 56. That says it all.)
You can tick off my reasons -- fear, exhaustion, finances, tension -- and all the emotional baggage.
It's not a graceful transition.
Mom's going into assisted living. She's unhappy, my brother's pleased, and I'm -- guilty and relieved.
So that's where we're at. I have just finished faxing more legal paperwork and have two doctor's exams (and more paperwork) set up for Mom for next week.
I'd be grateful for any shared experiences or advice (or warnings!) from you all. You've been where I'm headed. I'm thinking, it's going to get worse, before (IF!!) it gets any better.
Happy Easter to all -- and, again, thanks for your support.
Best,
Memere's Daughter
Does she not qualify for Medicade? My Father in law was in a wonderful nursing and rehabilation home for over three years and they paid every thing above what resources he had. You should not have to pay the difference, these services are what our parents and we have paid into for all our lives. It does take some paper work to get all the forms filled out but it is worth it. Dad was taken care of by very loving people. At a care facility they have people around to visit with all the time. If they get their days and nights mixed up(and they do) there is still someone there to take care of them. He became more at home there than when we would take him home to visit. This program really helped our family. I really hope all works well for you. Best wishes and My prayers are with you.
Does she not qualify for Medicade? My Father in law was in a wonderful nursing and rehabilation home for over three years and they paid every thing above what resources he had. You should not have to pay the difference, these services are what our parents and we have paid into for all our lives. It does take some paper work to get all the forms filled out but it is worth it. Dad was taken care of by very loving people. At a care facility they have people around to visit with all the time. If they get their days and nights mixed up(and they do) there is still someone there to take care of them. He became more at home there than when we would take him home to visit. This program really helped our family. I really hope all works well for you. Best wishes and My prayers are with you.
My mother had a massive stroke at age 60, while still working full-time and driving her new dream car, a 1987 cadillac. That was over 20 years ago, stroke was 12/18/1988, and I have either coordinated her care or cared for her myself ever since. I have now retired from my job at age 50, gone through my retirement savings and had my nest egg eaten up by the economy. I receive food stamps and am happy to find a job for minimum wage, partly due to where we live, my age now of 58 and the high unemployment rate allowing employers to have their pick of the crop for little money out. I have an older brother, who is now on a 10-day cruise with his live-in honey, a younger sister, who has opted to separate herself and her (now grown) children from our problems and a baby sister, who suffers from cerebral palsy--who I have here for 3 days for Easter. It is interesting taking Mom and Sis places, ever try fitting 2 wheelchairs in the trunk??? My siblings do not answer my e-mail if I so much as suggest they pick a day out of the month to come the 60 miles to see Mom. They provide zero support to me, but are always willing to talk smack with Mom about me. I have overheard parts of conversations between them criticizing me because I have asked Mom to borrow money from time to time. Amazing; Mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she has too much money, but to get her to pay me for caring for her 24/7 is like pulling teeth, then she believes she owns me. I am so disappointed in this family, which escalated when my daddy died two years ago; I would have never expected such cold, selfish, self-centeredness from the bunch, but it frosts my nuts to hear Mom talking to my sister about me when my sister was supported by my dad mostly, and myself, for most of her adult life and who cannot give the time of day now. She lives about 5 miles from my youngest sister, but has never once even gone to visit her at the DD facility where she lives, and doesn't answer my calls if I call asking her to pick her up so I don't have to drive the 120 miles twice, if they are both coming for a holiday/birthday/whatever. I just don't understand how anyone could be so uncaring toward his own sister or mother, but when it is your family . . . it disgusts me. Of course, both my brother and sister can do no wrong in mom's eyes, as I do no right. Yes, it wears on me, but I usually manage to keep things for what they are and try not to be bitter. I just have to look at these people in a very different light and pray for them. They may think they are getting away with something and that they are so much smarter than me, but they really are cheating themselves out of some very special time they could be doing something that would count. I doubt they can honestly enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror, but I must admit they are aging more gracefully than I. Well, hang in there, I wish I had some magical words of advice that would make people be human but, unfortunately, I think it has to come from within. I am just glad that I am not like them, I couldn't live with myself. Of course, I have no life outside of this existence, but something good will come from it, I am convinced (it keeps me going from day to day, anyway!). Take care all, but save yourselves the anguish of finding out how selfish my siblings are the hard way. It hurt for a long time, and I will never have any respect for any of them; pity, yes.
My mother had a massive stroke at age 60, while still working full-time and driving her new dream car, a 1987 cadillac. That was over 20 years ago, stroke was 12/18/1988, and I have either coordinated her care or cared for her myself ever since. I have now retired from my job at age 50, gone through my retirement savings and had my nest egg eaten up by the economy. I receive food stamps and am happy to find a job for minimum wage, partly due to where we live, my age now of 58 and the high unemployment rate allowing employers to have their pick of the crop for little money out. I have an older brother, who is now on a 10-day cruise with his live-in honey, a younger sister, who has opted to separate herself and her (now grown) children from our problems and a baby sister, who suffers from cerebral palsy--who I have here for 3 days for Easter. It is interesting taking Mom and Sis places, ever try fitting 2 wheelchairs in the trunk??? My siblings do not answer my e-mail if I so much as suggest they pick a day out of the month to come the 60 miles to see Mom. They provide zero support to me, but are always willing to talk smack with Mom about me. I have overheard parts of conversations between them criticizing me because I have asked Mom to borrow money from time to time. Amazing; Mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she has too much money, but to get her to pay me for caring for her 24/7 is like pulling teeth, then she believes she owns me. I am so disappointed in this family, which escalated when my daddy died two years ago; I would have never expected such cold, selfish, self-centeredness from the bunch, but it frosts my nuts to hear Mom talking to my sister about me when my sister was supported by my dad mostly, and myself, for most of her adult life and who cannot give the time of day now. She lives about 5 miles from my youngest sister, but has never once even gone to visit her at the DD facility where she lives, and doesn't answer my calls if I call asking her to pick her up so I don't have to drive the 120 miles twice, if they are both coming for a holiday/birthday/whatever. I just don't understand how anyone could be so uncaring toward his own sister or mother, but when it is your family . . . it disgusts me. Of course, both my brother and sister can do no wrong in mom's eyes, as I do no right. Yes, it wears on me, but I usually manage to keep things for what they are and try not to be bitter. I just have to look at these people in a very different light and pray for them. They may think they are getting away with something and that they are so much smarter than me, but they really are cheating themselves out of some very special time they could be doing something that would count. I doubt they can honestly enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror, but I must admit they are aging more gracefully than I. Well, hang in there, I wish I had some magical words of advice that would make people be human but, unfortunately, I think it has to come from within. I am just glad that I am not like them, I couldn't live with myself. Of course, I have no life outside of this existence, but something good will come from it, I am convinced (it keeps me going from day to day, anyway!). Take care all, but save yourselves the anguish of finding out how selfish my siblings are the hard way. It hurt for a long time, and I will never have any respect for any of them; pity, yes.
Hi there, great idea. Even if my pen to paper doesn't work or wake my sister up, at least I will have let her know what she "thinks she knows." She has not called and when I asked her to visit, she said something so lame it was almost laughable. She says her doctor has said mom should feel a burden has been lifted off her since my dad died. I felt that was very innapropriate and I know my mom does not feel that way. But anyway, thank you for the good suggestion:) Have yourself a nice day, my friend. Hugs!!
Hi there, great idea. Even if my pen to paper doesn't work or wake my sister up, at least I will have let her know what she "thinks she knows." She has not called and when I asked her to visit, she said something so lame it was almost laughable. She says her doctor has said mom should feel a burden has been lifted off her since my dad died. I felt that was very innapropriate and I know my mom does not feel that way. But anyway, thank you for the good suggestion:) Have yourself a nice day, my friend. Hugs!!
They say for us caregivers to keep ourselves healthy, and that is a good priority. I find keeping myself sane is job enough and I find the serenity prayer playing repetitively in my head when I feel the negativity surrounding me. It is a good thing to have in areas of your home or in your vehicle to remind us where we have power--and where we don't. In case you're not familiar, here it is.
Dear God, Please grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen, may God bless and help us to overcome our shortcomings.
They say for us caregivers to keep ourselves healthy, and that is a good priority. I find keeping myself sane is job enough and I find the serenity prayer playing repetitively in my head when I feel the negativity surrounding me. It is a good thing to have in areas of your home or in your vehicle to remind us where we have power--and where we don't. In case you're not familiar, here it is.
Dear God, Please grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen, may God bless and help us to overcome our shortcomings.
Janetrose7: You are right about the serenity prayer. I have a large picture of one hanging where I can see it and remind myself everyday. Also, footprints is a good one. Little things can become large for us who provide so much for our loved ones. I was very angry when I found this site, but thanks to all of you I have realized and adapted to an otherwise difficult situation that I feel better about now. Thanks to everyone!!
Janetrose7: You are right about the serenity prayer. I have a large picture of one hanging where I can see it and remind myself everyday. Also, footprints is a good one. Little things can become large for us who provide so much for our loved ones. I was very angry when I found this site, but thanks to all of you I have realized and adapted to an otherwise difficult situation that I feel better about now. Thanks to everyone!!
Wow, thanks to all above for the responses. I feel a little bit better before I discovered this website which was about an hour ago. I feel we are all the same, we have a heart and we give unselfishly...that is the true definition of "love" when we put someone's beings above our own. As for siblings that don't call or provide support by just merely saying "thank you" much less putting in some monies to help out...hope they can live with themselves because I can. I now consider myself wonder woman, ie, I take care of my mom 24/7. While she naps, I do yardwork and when she is up, I do housework from cooking, doing the laundry and cleaning up the house. It is alot and one year of this is now draining me emotionally and financially. Medicaid is out due to mom's interest in the property we have here in Hawaii, she owns 50% of $1.5M real estate, rest of the kids have 1/8% ea. If I place her in a home, her monthly income to include social security will go to financing her stay. Remainder will come from family members pocket and a lien will be placed on the property. This is something I did not want to happen however maybe it is the best thing. Do I feel guily, yes I do but I need my life back as well. Not getting any younger and I am entitle to enjoy my retirement. Thanks for listening and any response to my situation would be appreciated.
Wow, thanks to all above for the responses. I feel a little bit better before I discovered this website which was about an hour ago. I feel we are all the same, we have a heart and we give unselfishly...that is the true definition of "love" when we put someone's beings above our own. As for siblings that don't call or provide support by just merely saying "thank you" much less putting in some monies to help out...hope they can live with themselves because I can. I now consider myself wonder woman, ie, I take care of my mom 24/7. While she naps, I do yardwork and when she is up, I do housework from cooking, doing the laundry and cleaning up the house. It is alot and one year of this is now draining me emotionally and financially. Medicaid is out due to mom's interest in the property we have here in Hawaii, she owns 50% of $1.5M real estate, rest of the kids have 1/8% ea. If I place her in a home, her monthly income to include social security will go to financing her stay. Remainder will come from family members pocket and a lien will be placed on the property. This is something I did not want to happen however maybe it is the best thing. Do I feel guily, yes I do but I need my life back as well. Not getting any younger and I am entitle to enjoy my retirement. Thanks for listening and any response to my situation would be appreciated.
I understand about the worry about Medicade, but what they don't tell you (federal law) is that they have to die in the care center or Medicade has no claim to the estate. If you take them home before they die the claim is void. We were worried about the estate because My Mom-in-law is still alive and even though she not on Medicade, we needed all the income they had to pay for her,now with some of the social security gone with his death, we need the income or proceeds from the house to take care of her. We just happened to read an article on Elder Law in a senior magazine, that explaned the law (you can google Medicade rules for your state and federal). We were planning to take Gramps home to die anyway because we didn't want him to die in the care facilty. We were able to do this and it was a very good experience. My husband and I took care of him and all the family was able to come and see him, even the ones with little children and visit in a home setting. He was 96 so there is a lot of family. Best of wishes to you.
I understand about the worry about Medicade, but what they don't tell you (federal law) is that they have to die in the care center or Medicade has no claim to the estate. If you take them home before they die the claim is void. We were worried about the estate because My Mom-in-law is still alive and even though she not on Medicade, we needed all the income they had to pay for her,now with some of the social security gone with his death, we need the income or proceeds from the house to take care of her. We just happened to read an article on Elder Law in a senior magazine, that explaned the law (you can google Medicade rules for your state and federal). We were planning to take Gramps home to die anyway because we didn't want him to die in the care facilty. We were able to do this and it was a very good experience. My husband and I took care of him and all the family was able to come and see him, even the ones with little children and visit in a home setting. He was 96 so there is a lot of family. Best of wishes to you.
Of course, you don't always have the option of taking them home to die; it could happen before you know it! I am glad it worked out for you, but you had to know you were taking a chance. I cannot give legal advice, and am not familiar with medicaid laws re estate issues, but it seems that you would be entitled to any interest you have in the property, to either buy them out or make claim to your share of the proceeds? I know medicaid allows for the other spouse to keep the home if they are living in it or even expect to return home from a nursing facility. I would certainly consult an attorney before running with the ball on that one. The main thing, of course, is to have the person placed where they will receive the needed level of care. If medicaid is needed to help pay for his/her care, you can speak with the social worker assigned to them about your concerns as well. They seem to be fair from what I have seen.
Of course, you don't always have the option of taking them home to die; it could happen before you know it! I am glad it worked out for you, but you had to know you were taking a chance. I cannot give legal advice, and am not familiar with medicaid laws re estate issues, but it seems that you would be entitled to any interest you have in the property, to either buy them out or make claim to your share of the proceeds? I know medicaid allows for the other spouse to keep the home if they are living in it or even expect to return home from a nursing facility. I would certainly consult an attorney before running with the ball on that one. The main thing, of course, is to have the person placed where they will receive the needed level of care. If medicaid is needed to help pay for his/her care, you can speak with the social worker assigned to them about your concerns as well. They seem to be fair from what I have seen.