(800) 973-1540
almost 4 years ago
jamie1 said...

I just found this website also. I have only been taking care of my mom for 5 months and I know what you mean about siblings not helping out. My mom is all sugery sweet with them. I don't get it because they don't feed her, take her to therapy, dress her,change her sheets etc,. I just bought a plane ticket for my mom to go see my sisters. I want her to have a good time but I also want my siblings to see how consuming it is. My mom has no insurance or money and only my brother has helped financialy. Good luck to you.

almost 4 years ago
Missy said...

Hello Gail and Jamie,

I'm so happy you found us. There are truly great people going through the same issues you are dealing with. I'm really hopeful you find the support you need. We're all here for each other!

Gail, just because your mom sold her house and you used the $20,000 to buy a larger house to accomodate her doesn't mean you're legally bound to keep her out of a nursing home. I know "legally bound" is a bit dramatic, but it's true. Sometimes the care needed by our loved ones is greater than what we can provide at home. That's just a fact. Unless you're a medical professional with endless medical equipment at your disposable, sometimes it's just not possible. I don't have great advice for you about how to deal with your mom not wanting to live in other arrangements or any backlash you may get from your brothers. But I support you. You know best what is necessary for your mom. Perhaps some advice from a trusted doctor would help your mom and family understand.

Jamie, how old is your mother? Could she qualify for Medicare or Medicaid?

almost 4 years ago
Elizabeth Shean said...

Caregiving is about so much more than money. In many ways, money is the least of it.

What's much more important is the moral and practical support of your siblings. They need to step up to bat, and right now!

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know my own siblings found my dad's dementia so distressing that the only way they could deal with it was by distancing themselves. If things had gone on longer, I would have suggested family counseling for everyone. If nothing else, Gail and Jamie, please look into counseling for yourselves. You might be surprised how much better you feel just having a neutral ear to vent to.

Best wishes to you and kind regards to you both!

~Elizabeth

almost 4 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

Thanks Elizabeth, Missy and Jamie! It's so good to hear a response from someone who actually KNOWS what I'm going through as opposed to just assuming. I'm meeting with a place tomorrow who (through Medicaid) will take mom for the day for up to five days/week. All of her medical care will be supplied through them as they're a part of the hospital. When/if the time comes for a nursing home, they have homes that they work with (that are actually nice!) and will assist me in getting a bed for her. Right now I'm going to try that. I know Mom isn't going to want to go anywhere, even if it's just for the day, but I have to do what's best for ME too and having a few hours to myself a few days a week will help me recharge my batteries and take better care of her when she is here. I hope and pray that this works out. My brothers, of course, are not for it, but I've decided that when they chose to step back completely they also chose to let someone else (me) make the decisions that I feel are best for her. I'm done begging for their help. It seems the more I beg, the more satisfaction they get out of not helping. It's ridiculous. I am trying to find a caregiver support group in my area, but haven't had any luck as of yet. Not sure how I would be able to go if I did find one! lol Thanks everybody!! I'm so glad I found this website!!

almost 4 years ago
jamie1 said...

My mom is 63. I've applied for medi-cal and disability but that could take up to a year. I have been looking for on-line support groups because it's hard to get away.Plus sometimes I wish I could get a straight answer on my mom's condition. I wish someone can tell me if she is going to get any better.She has not regained in function in her left arm. Just a little in the leg. but I think something has happened internal as well. I feel better just venting a little about my siblings. My husband helps me alot. We took care of his mother, brother and Dad until they passed away so we both have some experience. thanks to everyone for listening.

almost 4 years ago
jamie1 said...

my brother took care of mom for me a few hours on Thanksgiving. It was very nice to be out with my husband not pushing a wheelchair or be responsible for her. Everyone does need a break. I'm not sure how I will be feeling in five years. I haven't left her alone yet. Can your mom still walk? My mom can't even get herself a drink of water.

almost 4 years ago
Sad&Alone said...

No one helps me with my dad, either. I have 4 sisters, three of whom live close by. The other lives several states away but flys home frequently.

I've taken care of my dad almost 2 years. I think the last time I had 24+ hours to myself was in April when he fell and broke his hip. Dad would enjoy getting away once or twice a week. I would be good for him, and me.

I'm sooooo tired all the time. I used to shower daily, but now it's about every two or three days, and only brush my hair before I shower. (Good grief! What kind of person does that?) I could care less about my appearance.

I know how ya feel.

almost 4 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

It is sad and ridiculous that people have to go through this alone. I'm not sure what the solution is though.

almost 4 years ago
Bailey123 said...

I think we are all in the same boat with our siblings. I have one sibling my sister. She lived with my Dad for nine years never paid a dime for anything. Now that he can't take care of his self or her she has washed her hands of him. Which leaves me takeing care of all the finances and his care. It has overwelmed me trying to find the right place so he can be takeing care of the right way. I love my dad very much and I want the best care for him.

almost 4 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

Bailey, that's sad and ridiculous. I just don't understand the way some people can just totally rid themselves of a "problem" without any conscience. Prayers for you!

almost 4 years ago
Scared&Lonely said...

This is the same for me Gail i have 4 brothers and 2 sister and still they dont help enough.Yet when it come to decission they all have a opinion.So now i make the decissions and dont care what they think.If they want me to consider them, then they will be here more.

almost 4 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

I think that's what you have to do. Just make the decisions and let the chips falls where they may. They can't have it both ways. Good luck to you!!

almost 4 years ago
Jesus Saves! said...

Gail, my Sister never helped me for any of our Family. Since I was the Nurse(Doctor wannabe), and she was a Teacher, she used every excuse in the book not to help.

I had Holiday meals to deliver, late nite visits of Reasurance, gave much personal time, Hospital visits, etc, and my Sister only managed to visit every 6 months for 30 minutes.

I look back and am glad I did what I did. My Family would't of had the level of care that they did.

It's imperative to get rest, the right foods, and vitamins, and Prayer!

See if someone from Church can come over while you get 40 winks, or go shopping & lunch.

Gail, I have also been used as the 'replacement' for grown children who didn't want to participate in their Dad's or Mom's care. I used to be a Live In Nurse, harder than it looks.

Just want you to know that if I were near, I certanly would be your 'help.'

Until then, here's a 'hug!'

Dottie in South Carolina

almost 4 years ago
basil said...

This site is so helpful, in that I realize how many others are also struggling with elderly parents or loved ones. My situation is somewhat different in that I have no siblings (a brother died years ago) and my parents (also both "onlys")moved to my community about 20 years ago. They were always somewhat reclusive and moving at that stage of life was very difficult for them as far as finding friends goes. They did connect with a few people but those folks have passed away now so it is just my husband and me who see them - other than the dr. My dad (89) has severe stage Alzheimer's and my mom (88) is headed down the same path - whether from care-giver burn-out or some form of dementia, I don't know.

Mt husband and I both retired and were looking forward to traveling, visiting our children, etc. but I find that I can't do those things comfortably because, in my heart, I know that my parents are not safe by themselves. I tried preparing food for them if we were going away and I would come back to find it uneaten. Unless I am there to heat it and feed it to my dad, I might as well not bother. My mother insists they are fine and refuses any help from anyone other than me. I tried an in-home service and my mother went ballistic - screaming at me and them. So I thought I would let her do this her way, but I just don't know how much longer I can allow this to go on. She has always been a difficult person to get along with, but I always had a good relationship with my parents - I guess because I gave in to her all the time.

This whole situation has consumed me to the point that I have done some counseling, which helped for a while, but I can tell that I am headed downhill again. As I reread this, I know that I should "take the bull by the horns" because my dad is dying before my eyes and my mother insists that there is nothing wrong with how they are living. She is completely out of touch and I allow it to continue. I tell myself that I have done everything I know how to do short of having her declared incompetent.

I just hope that I can find the courage to do what needs to be done.

almost 4 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

Dottie, that's so sweet!!! I understand completely what you're saying. I know I'm going to look back and be thankful that I had this time with my mom. When things get hard, I try to remember that, but it's sooooo difficult sometimes!! Maybe if I was an only child I'd have a different mindset knowing that she's my full responsibility, but having 4 brothers who live right here in town and make a conscious CHOICE not to help me is beyond me. This Sunday we're going to take her to her church for the Christmas musical. She hasn't been to church in years and so I know she'll enjoy it. But of course my brothers are coming. They want to "take credit" for taking her to church even though all they have to do is show up. I know that sounds petty, but it's so frustrating. I guess I should be glad they're actually showing up for it though. I'm in SC too, by the way!

almost 4 years ago
Ding said...

omg, I have six brothers and they make the same choice. 2 sons call her everynight for 5 seconds or less. My sister who has MS and I do everything for our mother. Being a full time caregiver is the hardest job in the world.

almost 4 years ago
Chicagorunner said...

I hear so much from friends about the whole issue of other family members not helping out. I really think we need to all sit down and divy up the responsibilities....so often people's feeling get in the way of helping!!! When I was looking for caregiver forums, I found a site that has a contest for caregivers who write a little bit about their experiences. Could be therapeutic--and the prizes include some much needed spa time. Now...what to write?

http://www.eldercarelink.com/Go/contest/main/1[eldercarelink.com]

almost 4 years ago
Jesus Saves! said...

Hey Gail,

I often feel as if I personally have met/know some people, sometimes, because of the events we share (and the similarity of them). My Sister also has taken 'credit' for much/all of what I and others (housekeeper) did.

WOW! You are in SC!!! Cool!

I live near Charleston...where do you live near? Maybe I truly can help you!!!

another BIG Hug!! to you!

Dottie B.

almost 4 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

Hey Dottie! I'm in Lexington, just west of Columbia. My stepdaughter just moved from Charleston to Houston about a month ago. We used to go there pretty often.

almost 4 years ago
Jesus Saves! said...

Gail, that's so cool!

My Husband's Brother lives in Columbia. My 'adopted' Dad and his wife just moved from Asheville,NC (my hometown) to Columbia.

I have often passed thru Lexington traveling.

If you want my email...I can post it, then delete it after a certain time. This is exciting! Do you ever visit Charleston??

Dottie B.

over 3 years ago
Jesus Saves! said...

Hey Gail,

How are you and your family doing these days?

Dottie B. in Summerville

over 3 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

Hey Dottie!

We're doing okay here. I'm getting Mom enrolled in something called Palmetto Seniorcare which is an all inclusive program. I got her qualified for Medicaid, so it's going to be 100% paid for through that. They will pick her up and bring her home each day. While she's there, they have activities, meals and all of her healthcare will also be done there. They have a team of geriatric doctors who will follow her, as well as physical, speech and occupational therapists. Her vision and hearing needs will also be done through them. It's an answer to my prayers! Now I'm just PRAYING that SHE'LL tolerate it! She's not looking forward to it, but like my husband said...it's like sending your child to school for the first day. They'll hate it at first, but once they're there and get busy they'll be fine. So I have to just think of it like that. She's probably going to be there three days a week unless I can talk her into doing five. When the time comes for her to transition to a nursing home, they'll help with that process. They partner with the Lowman Home, which is a nursing home I had already been looking into, so I think it's going to be a great thing...as long as she likes it.

Last Saturday she had let her little dog outside and apparently forgot she had let her out. The next morning she was asking if I had seen her. I looked all around the house and couldn't find her. I went outside and apparently she had fallen into my pool at some point on Saturday and drowned. So that was a hard day for mom. She fell two times that night and then again on the next morning. I think they were both stress and anxiety related falls. Luckily she didn't get hurt with any of the falls. She's tough as can be!

How are things with you?? I'm so ready for this warm weather we're going to have this week!!!

over 3 years ago
Diane55 said...

I hear you! I find that with the family, they're way of thinking is just stay there and shut up. I moved into my 87 yr. old dads house 2 yrs ago, April. This is the home I grew up in, and there's no love lost in the memories the place holds. It all seems to come down to dollars and how many days I want to get away when I need to, in regards to family. Heaven forbid I spend any money and heaven forbid if I tell them that I'm taking off. Frankly, and I see it in your situation also......they just plain old don't care. Your taking care of mom, money was involved, so put up and shut up seems to be the thinking of family involved. I've learned to finally accept that this is what it is and stopped banging my head against the wall in trying to fight it. It's a losing battle, so another plan needs to be set up in regards to assistance. Is there a way for you to hire thru the agency you already go thru, with the woman who helps to bathe your mom, to come in for 3-4 hrs so you and your husband can take a breather once a week? I also was reading a article from caring.com in regards to getting paid for caregiving. If your mom is eligible for the program, this would open the funds for you to hire someone to come in more often giving yourself a MUCH needed break. It's time to take control once again and find a way back to a sane way of living. I understand fully.

over 3 years ago
Gail 1001 said...

Hey Diane! I'm so sorry you're going through this. It still amazes me how many people there are out there going through the same thing I am. And the sad thing is there just doesn't seeem to be help for many of us!

Fortunately, I have found a program (read two posts up) that Mom will start on March 1st which will take her 3 days/week during the day. That'll give me a chance to catch my breath. As far as time with my husband, we just take it as we can get it and have learned not to expect anything from my brothers. One of them sat with her Saturday so we could go to dinner and a movie, but when he got here asked if we'd be longer than 2 hours because he needed to get home. What??? He knew our plan was dinner and a movie. HOW can we do both and be home in 2 hours?? So of course we just went to dinner and came straight home. It was nice to get out, but it's just another example of their lack of concern. It's all about them.

I saw the article you were talking about, but it's not offered in SC where I live.

Take care of YOURSELF and keep in touch!

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