I’m 21, and am 1 of 4 siblings in my family.. My parents got divorced 11 years ago and ever since I could remember, my dad has had an anger problem.. He runs a national business, he’s very hyperactive, and loves to help people especially financially.. If you met my dad, he appears to be very nice and fun to go out with but you can’t let him fool you. He would love to get a chance to help you in any way shape or form to “show off” it seems.. what he’s really doing is kind of setting a trap almost.. He has taken everyone in his personal life and bribed them with money and a job making it sound like the perfect lifestyle having lots of vacations and ect: but the thing is that he uses it against people in the future, he feels that we don’t give him what he deserves in return.. therefore he gets angry.. very angry.. it’s not just that, that makes him mad but its everything. He’s like a perfectionist and if something is not done his way, he blows up once he blows up, he screams so loud, cursing, accusing, making fun of people, threatens our jobs… he’s the most controlling person I know.. if we mention anything about him getting mad or about how he needs to deal with stress differently,, it gets worse.. Nobody wants to try and help him because, we all work for him.. My brother who is almost 20 just got out of the hospital of 5 days suffering from depression and anxiety which I believe was caused by my dad from getting yelled at all his life for everything.. Since then, my dad still yells at him and makes fun of him for his anxiety, him being a loser, not helping my dad in certain things which is the worst thing to do to someone that is suffering from depression and anxiety.. especially to your son. He’s the scariest person on the planet.. I start shaking every time he starts to call me on the phone or is on his way in to work..I think it’s a mix of like bi polar disorder, anger management, anxiety.. My grandpa suffered from depression and was a very angry man in his younger years as well.. Somebody please help me and tell me what to do.. how to approach him with help.. He’s killing all of us slowly especially himself.. He’s been the main reason why are family is growing further away from each other.. Please let me know what I have to do.. I’m begging. I can go on and on about him and the things he does that makes me and the rest of my family goes crazy.. Somebody respond!!
Hi Collin,
Welcome to Caring! I'm glad you joined us.
I know this sounds like some tough love, but there's an easy answer here. You've talked to your dad about his issues. You've attempted to guide him in getting help. If he's unwilling and/or unaccepting to recognize their issue, there is only one thing you can do to protect yourself. Leave the job. If you, or anyone in this situation, stops depending on Dad, he can't hold that over your head. You know?
It may seem hard to move away from working with him for various reasons, but it seems logical. Perhaps when your dad sees that his anger issues are pushing those he loves away, he'll realize getting help is important.
Keep us updated. And I'm also hopeful someone else will have specific advice regarding depression and anger management.
The thing is, is that i am closing on my first home next friday.. If i wasnt closing on a house so soon, i would leave my job but now im just in a huge pickel. Before i had two choices.. either move out so that i can eliminate being with him half the time. Or get another job.. I chose to move out and buy my first house since i like what i do.. I dont have a degree in anything since he sucked me into his company right out of highschool. So I guess time will tell whether or not it will help that ill be out of the house.. But if he ended up firing me from here then i would have more problems... It just seems like i have to worry about something no matter what since hes very unpredictable.
Congrats on your house! That's wonderful! And I can definitely understand why you'd choose having your own living arrangement rather than losing your job. Truthfully that sounds pretty win/win in the absence of another job offer.
I know this sounds far fetched, but have you ever thought about setting limits with your dad? I sometimes find that people behave badly because others allow them too. Do you think it's totally out of the question to calmly tell him he's out of line? And your answer may very well be "yep. He'll freak out even more." And I'm definitely a believer in picking your battles.
I probably haven't been of much help here, but hopefully someone else will have something brilliant to say. 
My heart goes out to you, I have a very controlling mother--and i have found that to prevent
the pain for yourself and your other family members you will start your own type of controlling and Codependence, living with someone like this really does breed family illness--so i would look into a good counselor for yourself. I always thought that Codependence was something about an Alcoholic in the family, it is not, you may not be struggling with Codependence but please take the take the time to read up on it, you are young and can save yourself and those around you alot of pain. Find someone who will Listen, small group or if you need to make an investment in counseling -- you are worth it. Your hurt and anger needs to be put to words so you can detach from your Dad's emotions and anger and you can find a way to be stable. I would also recommend the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I found it very helpful. I don't know it this helps but i Wish you the best.
Hi Collin,
First of all, YOU NEED ROOMMATES TO HELP PAY THE MORTGAGE... (take the least good room for yourself and charge for the rooms and utilities on a per bedroom square footage basis.) That way, you can keep the house and consider your options from there.
Personally, I'd continue to work part-time and start back to school part-time. It is never too late to go in a new direction. Also, whatever your father's business is, the experience you've gotten working there should help you find a new position elsewhere. (Just don't ask him for a reference.)
I had a nasty father. I got in my car, left the east coast, and drove as far as I could. If I could have driven to Hawaii, I would have. But I built a new life in California - with no regrets. The MOST IMPORTANT thing about being distanced is that when I married and had children, this bully was NOT a part of their lives.
Get away while you can...
Good luck,
Galowa
©suzannemcable2009
you have completely described me except for no anger that all comes from my g-pa with emberessing profanity{he has terrets when he's mad}life is too short to be unhappy tell your brother to get another job since your dad has money get away (go to college)i'm suffering it out to fix our family when he passes if it can be fixed i think the best thingto do is to live an hour & a half away that's what my brother-in-law does it works well he works 2 jobs & is never available to fix family problems,my suggestion is to take a job in horticulture the plants never talk back they just bloom! good luck to u (lisa)
hey collin that sounds exactly like my dad. i worked for my dad all the way through high school and anytime id tell him i want to go back to school he would make a big deal about it make fun of me and tell me thats a terrible idea and that i needed to take over his company. his company is a couple milion dollar a year business, so its pretty big. it took me till this summer to realize that he wad been verbaly abusing me over the last year. i finally one day had it with him calling me a effing idiot and shooting all my ideas down. i wouldnt of been mad if i had done something wrong but it was always about dumb little things, so he called me a effing idiot and i told him he wasnt going to call me that anymore then he proceeded to tell me he calls everybody that and i needed to get back to work n stop being an effing idiot. then i left work and didnt talk to him for a couple months. we started talking again after that but he never appologized or ever brought it up after that. then the other day he called me an effin idiot again because i wouldnt go get all of his tennants stuff out of his rrental property he said if i was gonna act that dumb i should get the f out. so i packed up my bag and left. i think he thinks hes better than everyone or something. i talked to a guy who said his dad sounded the same and that e might have depression. it would make alot of sence because he can be nice to everyone else but be the worlds biggest dick to his imidiate family. if anyone has any ideas on how to hekp stop his verbal abuse towards me my two sisters and my mom it could save our family thanks -max
Oh Collin, you poor thing! Too bad about just closing on your house. But seriously, if you can, I would escape by hook, crook or however it goes. The other folks were very sensitive and kind in giving you advice, but I've been sick, been through this to the nines, and all I can tell you is RUN==save your sanity. It only gets worse, and you can never be fully happy. You'll wind up on anxiety/depression pills. Unless you study with a spiritual teacher and become zen-like, you won't be able to shake it. I'm trying to turn myself into a pretzel, trying to understand and not let anything bother me. But it's too difficult. They zap your happiness, they zap your strength, they ruin your relationships, creativity--and then, when they pass, you'll feel guilty==about what? That you couldn't fix it? It's not your fault, and not yours to fix. I'm sorry. I'm a loving, sensitive woman. It feels like that it gets you nowhere. Run, fast and far. Send cards, and if he still doesn't get it, which 90% he will not, then send love from across the miles. Happy Thanksgiving and Holidays, Collin. Good luck.
Thanks everybody on all of the advice. I appreciate it so much. To give you an update on where things stand with me, well, there isn't much that has changed. I closed on my house, I'm still with my girlfriend and everything is going great on that side.. Things have kinda cooled down with my Dad this past year but only because i think hes in his mid-life crisis... He doesn't come to work as much as he used to and hasn't really cared much about all the BS that's happened with this economy being the way its been and the effect its taking on the company.. In this past year he fired his brother which was our VP which stirred a bunch of stuff up but now hes back in the office doing part time stuff which i don't understand why. So like i said, everything is kinda quite right now but ill keep you guys posted.
Thanks
Hey Collin,
Sounds good so far, actually. Closing on your house means you are no longer living with him. That eliminates half your exposure to him right off the bat...!
And, having your girlfriend means your life socially does not revolve around him or any siblings remaining in his home.
Your next step could be to do some research on his symptomatology (because hi IS sick,) so you can understand what you are dealing with in the workplace. The long term survival of the "family business" may depend on your doing this
Also, aside from his underlying mental illness, it sounds very much as though he may now be in the midst of a nervous breakdown - understandable with the pressures this economy creates for many businesses - small family businesses in particular.
Because of this potential for things to all come crashing down, I reiterate my previous advice above. Start looking into attending school - even very part time, nights - so you have a safety net if his "kingdom" suddenly comes crashing down all around you and the rest of the employees. Unless there is a board of directors or other overseeing body, your financial security now rests on the narrow shoulders of this quite unstable maniac.
Think about it - and good luck... And have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Always,
Galowa
;- )
©suzannemcable11.22.2010
Thanks a lot. Yea the exposure definitely has but cut in half for a while now.. Ive been living in my home since June of 2009 and its going great.. Ive thought about going to school but i took a coaching job for two different hockey teams about an hour away from home so i usually work about 50 hours a week at the company and then drive to coach these two hockey teams about 4 times a week.. So by me coaching kinda shows him i'm doing my own thing and also takes the pressure off of me by having to work "overtime" and weekends for him company.. But overall Im just really busy now and gone all the time.. He has also been talking about how he might sell the business which im pushing him to do as well.. Its in the works but not sure if hell go through with it. The good thing about him doing that will wipe out all the stress of all the current problems with the company hes tired of but the bad thing is that i would either need to keep working for whoever buys him out or start up a new completely different business in another industry because now hes trying to suck me into starting something else up by telling me hell pay off my mortgage and all my debt after he "cleans up" from selling the company.. Which is definitely another big pickle ill be in. BLAHHHHH
Same situation. I moved to California and he always guilts me into trying to come home and work for him. I did then he screams and fires me over personal decisions that in no way effect him or the business. (Like taking a road trip with a guy) He screams and says if I do this I can't work for him! It's controlling and I'm 25, not 15? It doesnt end...I hate that moving away is a solution. I try to offer counseling and he just says he's too busy and basically ( f*** you). He hurts everyone and manipulated them all w/ his business money etc but yanks the rug from under your feet as his convienience to control you. The problem is he's so nice and generous and then wam! your being yelled at and belittled in a rage, he always feels like you don't give him enough, he yells about your insignificant xmas gift and love that you unconditionally give. It's narcisistic and abusive
Exactly! He has yelled at all of us kids every single Christmas for the same stuff. He thinks money is power and its so annoying. Im sick of hearing that he works 16 hour days 7 days a week, and yells because im not in on the weekends.. Sorry i have a life outside of work. During our last blow up, I told him that im just going to go to couseling and asked if he wanted to go with me.. He obviously said no way and that it was a waste of money. The reason why we started fighting that day is because i snapped back at him after he kept complaing to me about my mom (which divorced him 15 years ago). I keep telling him to keep me out of the middle of them two. He kept yelling back at me saying that i have to listen to it and that i have no choice because its my family? I asked how do you not understand that putting your kids in between you and your x is terrible and that its so unfair to us? Thats when i asked him to go to couseling so that he can hear from other people in the same situation why he can't be doing it. That was two months ago and ive been in couseling ever since by myself talking about weekly problems i encounter with him. Good luck!
