Very dependent parent..could it be a medical problem?
My mom lives part time with me and part time with my sister. Last week when mom was here, my husband and I wanted to go to the fireworks and mom said "I wish you wouldn't". Last summer, when mom was here, I wanted to go for a walk with my husband and mom seemed terrified that I would be leaving her alone...for maybe a half hour. This week my sister's significant other moved back into her house and now mom's afraid that my sister will get busy with her partner's family. Today,my sister invited me to go to the lake for the afternoon and after my sister prepared lunch for mom, my sister left to pick me up. I didn't tell mom I was going because it was a spur of the moment decision. Before we got out of town, mom called me on my cell phone to ask what I was doing today. (I know that she wanted me to be with her since my sister had left and I had to tell mom that I went with my sister.) Mom couldn't hang up the phone quickly enough. Seemed like she didn't need me anymore since I wasn't home or she was making me feel guilty. Does anyone else have this problem and is it or could it be a medical problem?
Very dependent parent..could it be a medical problem?
My mom lives part time with me and part time with my sister. Last week when mom was here, my husband and I wanted to go to the fireworks and mom said "I wish you wouldn't". Last summer, when mom was here, I wanted to go for a walk with my husband and mom seemed terrified that I would be leaving her alone...for maybe a half hour. This week my sister's significant other moved back into her house and now mom's afraid that my sister will get busy with her partner's family. Today,my sister invited me to go to the lake for the afternoon and after my sister prepared lunch for mom, my sister left to pick me up. I didn't tell mom I was going because it was a spur of the moment decision. Before we got out of town, mom called me on my cell phone to ask what I was doing today. (I know that she wanted me to be with her since my sister had left and I had to tell mom that I went with my sister.) Mom couldn't hang up the phone quickly enough. Seemed like she didn't need me anymore since I wasn't home or she was making me feel guilty. Does anyone else have this problem and is it or could it be a medical problem?
I don't know the age of your mother, however, as my mother aged, she would call me, my neighbors, my kids to see if they knew where I was. She lived to be 93, the last 4 years in an assisted living facility. I took her to numerous doctor appointments, dentist, church, etc. As she became more and more negative, I had to stop taking her to church because of her constant criticism of the preacher! I am 74, and I find myself wanting to be with my kids more. It is no fun getting old, especially when all of your friends have either moved away and/or passed. My biggest excitement of the week is going to the grocery store. Thank goodness I have a nice TV, and just learned I can even play games on it ... such as Saduko. I have back problems and that has effected my gait while walking and I have to be very careful about what I may lift. We develop so many various ailments as we age. Hope this helps a bit.
I don't know the age of your mother, however, as my mother aged, she would call me, my neighbors, my kids to see if they knew where I was. She lived to be 93, the last 4 years in an assisted living facility. I took her to numerous doctor appointments, dentist, church, etc. As she became more and more negative, I had to stop taking her to church because of her constant criticism of the preacher! I am 74, and I find myself wanting to be with my kids more. It is no fun getting old, especially when all of your friends have either moved away and/or passed. My biggest excitement of the week is going to the grocery store. Thank goodness I have a nice TV, and just learned I can even play games on it ... such as Saduko. I have back problems and that has effected my gait while walking and I have to be very careful about what I may lift. We develop so many various ailments as we age. Hope this helps a bit.
Hi, my mom has alzheimer's and has this tendency too. She hates it when I leave her with caregivers so I can go to the movies or run errands or go away with my family for weekend vacations. Just the other day she really wanted to go with me and my 3 yr old daughter to her first dance class. I had to say no, that she needed to stay. My mom got really sad and tried to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her so I would take her. I didn't. I had to ignore her. It was not easy. It's so much harder on us family caregivers because we are emotionally bonded to our patient. I know it's hard but dont let your mom make you feel guilty. You have to ignore it and live your life. What helped me was hearing others in my situation tell me "it's ok to leave your mom and do what you need to do to rest and take a break from caregiving." This makes us better caregivers in the long run. Because we nuture and give back to ourselves.
Hi, my mom has alzheimer's and has this tendency too. She hates it when I leave her with caregivers so I can go to the movies or run errands or go away with my family for weekend vacations. Just the other day she really wanted to go with me and my 3 yr old daughter to her first dance class. I had to say no, that she needed to stay. My mom got really sad and tried to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her so I would take her. I didn't. I had to ignore her. It was not easy. It's so much harder on us family caregivers because we are emotionally bonded to our patient. I know it's hard but dont let your mom make you feel guilty. You have to ignore it and live your life. What helped me was hearing others in my situation tell me "it's ok to leave your mom and do what you need to do to rest and take a break from caregiving." This makes us better caregivers in the long run. Because we nuture and give back to ourselves.
My Mom (85) with encroahing dementia or else brain metastasis is like this too but I think she always had dependencies that sabotaged her learning good life skills.She is now is a nightmare when I come and go and has been for several years but now it has intensified. As well, she has refused to t to anything like the wonderful day care programs that have around here even though she would love it once she got there because she is a good social person that people like.
It is my worst suffering because I am never blessed or thanked by her. Nothing is really enough. Naturally, I keep doing all I have to do for myself and ignore the best I can her manipulations and tantrums. But this degree of dependency really gets to me in terms of her complete lack of realization that I have rights as a person. She neither knows them or sees them.
I am practising the spiritual conditioning Gail mentions because I have hardly any recourse left. The other day, friends wanted to take her with them to bowling. EVen though she can't bowl now, they felt it was an opportunity to visit with others she knows and go out to lunch with them.
The night before, when she was talking to me about being lonely (this happens every night at bedtime and I have actually asked her if she is afraid she won't wake up and she said "Yes")--but that's another story. AT the time I reminded her that she was going out the next day with friends and it was for 6 hours which would be a challenge for her. Her only reply was that I was pawning her off on them so she really is resentful that I may have a few hours alone for my own purposes and joy.
I did not create this dependence in her and it drives me nuts. You might be interested to know that after her hours away, she was just done in and said it had been a long day and so learned some new realities about her limitations.
I feel for all of you in dealing with these outrageous dependencies and I have to admit that they challenge me to the limits of my sense of my personal freedom and my rights to protect and to have that.
It is at such times that I think "home" becomes too much for them because it is no longer home but a strange and lonely place. I can't fix this for her and won't even attempt it...just follow along and keep doing as I am doing with each manifestation until where she is going with everything is more evident.
All the best to everyone, Workerpriest
My Mom (85) with encroahing dementia or else brain metastasis is like this too but I think she always had dependencies that sabotaged her learning good life skills.She is now is a nightmare when I come and go and has been for several years but now it has intensified. As well, she has refused to t to anything like the wonderful day care programs that have around here even though she would love it once she got there because she is a good social person that people like.
It is my worst suffering because I am never blessed or thanked by her. Nothing is really enough. Naturally, I keep doing all I have to do for myself and ignore the best I can her manipulations and tantrums. But this degree of dependency really gets to me in terms of her complete lack of realization that I have rights as a person. She neither knows them or sees them.
I am practising the spiritual conditioning Gail mentions because I have hardly any recourse left. The other day, friends wanted to take her with them to bowling. EVen though she can't bowl now, they felt it was an opportunity to visit with others she knows and go out to lunch with them.
The night before, when she was talking to me about being lonely (this happens every night at bedtime and I have actually asked her if she is afraid she won't wake up and she said "Yes")--but that's another story. AT the time I reminded her that she was going out the next day with friends and it was for 6 hours which would be a challenge for her. Her only reply was that I was pawning her off on them so she really is resentful that I may have a few hours alone for my own purposes and joy.
I did not create this dependence in her and it drives me nuts. You might be interested to know that after her hours away, she was just done in and said it had been a long day and so learned some new realities about her limitations.
I feel for all of you in dealing with these outrageous dependencies and I have to admit that they challenge me to the limits of my sense of my personal freedom and my rights to protect and to have that.
It is at such times that I think "home" becomes too much for them because it is no longer home but a strange and lonely place. I can't fix this for her and won't even attempt it...just follow along and keep doing as I am doing with each manifestation until where she is going with everything is more evident.
All the best to everyone, Workerpriest
PTCruzr,
I'm so sorry to hear that your Mother is "trying" to lay on a guilt trip on you. Don't you dare allow that to happen!! You have been there for her for so long and finally got some help from your sister!
Just because you and your sister went out for some "fun" (and a much needed break) - just remember, you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself first!!
When your Mom called and abruptly hung up on you - all it was just a reaction she chose to take. She may feel quilty for the pressure she has put on you and your sister. But really, I think she was a little "miffed" at the fact that you were not at "her side when she wanted you" - no matter if, as planned - she was somewhere else. She may be at the point (and sounds like she's been there for a very long time) where she wants to be the "one in control".
When my brother and I took care of our Mother - one of his "words of wisdom" to me (he was a Respiratory Therapist and worked at a hospital) - was "Sis, sometimes the patient will play emotional quilt games and try to turn family members against themselves - we will not let that happen - can you deal with that?" I told him that I appreciated knowing the advice and yes, I can deal with it. "We won't let Mom turn us against each other". Fortunately Mom never did do that to us!
Please, for your own sanity - remember, you have to take care of yourself first! No "mind games" will make you fill guilty. And last but not least, you are doing more for your Mom than most people ever do!
Sending hugs and prayers - my heart aches that you are going through this, it must be very difficult. Please, next time you see yourself in the mirror, tell yourself - "I'm doing the best I can - I am somebody and I deserve breaks when needed and I have to take care of myself first"!!!
Take care!! I think about you often! You were there for me when I needed someone - I'm sorry I've been away from my computer for so long!
PTCruzr,
I'm so sorry to hear that your Mother is "trying" to lay on a guilt trip on you. Don't you dare allow that to happen!! You have been there for her for so long and finally got some help from your sister!
Just because you and your sister went out for some "fun" (and a much needed break) - just remember, you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself first!!
When your Mom called and abruptly hung up on you - all it was just a reaction she chose to take. She may feel quilty for the pressure she has put on you and your sister. But really, I think she was a little "miffed" at the fact that you were not at "her side when she wanted you" - no matter if, as planned - she was somewhere else. She may be at the point (and sounds like she's been there for a very long time) where she wants to be the "one in control".
When my brother and I took care of our Mother - one of his "words of wisdom" to me (he was a Respiratory Therapist and worked at a hospital) - was "Sis, sometimes the patient will play emotional quilt games and try to turn family members against themselves - we will not let that happen - can you deal with that?" I told him that I appreciated knowing the advice and yes, I can deal with it. "We won't let Mom turn us against each other". Fortunately Mom never did do that to us!
Please, for your own sanity - remember, you have to take care of yourself first! No "mind games" will make you fill guilty. And last but not least, you are doing more for your Mom than most people ever do!
Sending hugs and prayers - my heart aches that you are going through this, it must be very difficult. Please, next time you see yourself in the mirror, tell yourself - "I'm doing the best I can - I am somebody and I deserve breaks when needed and I have to take care of myself first"!!!
Take care!! I think about you often! You were there for me when I needed someone - I'm sorry I've been away from my computer for so long!
At this stage she need more and more of patient counselling. She will not respond positively, and not respond at all. but PATIENCE is the key word.Check if something can be of interest to her. See if you can find some company of her age group for her. Think and do on suchlike ideas,without hoping for success. Be thankful to Almighty if success comes. This is the service of God, if one can do.There are maany limitations to this. Of course it is easy to say to others than to experience this situation. Most of us have to go thro' it.
At this stage she need more and more of patient counselling. She will not respond positively, and not respond at all. but PATIENCE is the key word.Check if something can be of interest to her. See if you can find some company of her age group for her. Think and do on suchlike ideas,without hoping for success. Be thankful to Almighty if success comes. This is the service of God, if one can do.There are maany limitations to this. Of course it is easy to say to others than to experience this situation. Most of us have to go thro' it.
Thanks for all of your input. Mom is really trying our patience because of her neediness. I do understand that getting old is no picnic. But living your life until you get old and cannot, is a right that, whether they like it or not, our parents gave to us. So its a balancing act and Mom was okay for that day and for the first time in a long time, I had some fun with my sister. And I needed that.
My sister is going away for two days this week and her friend will be staying with mom. And when mom heard that, she called me and tried to tell me that my sister's friend would not treat her well...(this is not true as I know this woman very well and she cared for her own mother with alzheimers) but mom just wants one of us to wait on her all of the time. I guess I got my answer to the question of dependence..it's not necessarily an illness but probably more likely a fear. I just keep remembering how much I love mom and will miss her when she's gone.
On a better note, I just got my cast off (broken arm) so hooray for caregiving without a cast. Thanks to everyone for the support. It really helps.
And as far as our parents needing control, I think that my daughter explained that to me in a better way. "When you get old, you lose control of so much, that you need to hold on to something." Mom was always the strong matriarch of our family. She lost that. She has now dropped to the bottom of the pecking order where everyone has to help her. Why wouldn't she want to try to grasp at anything to prove that she is still a valid member of life. We as children just have to try to put ourselves in their shoes for a little. And I try to remember that this is temporary. And as far as finding something for mom to do, forget about it...she doesn't want to leave the house. But she wants us to stay there with her. And that just can't happen all of the time.
Oh, and we had an anniversary yesterday...4 years since my Dad passed.
Thanks for all of your input. Mom is really trying our patience because of her neediness. I do understand that getting old is no picnic. But living your life until you get old and cannot, is a right that, whether they like it or not, our parents gave to us. So its a balancing act and Mom was okay for that day and for the first time in a long time, I had some fun with my sister. And I needed that.
My sister is going away for two days this week and her friend will be staying with mom. And when mom heard that, she called me and tried to tell me that my sister's friend would not treat her well...(this is not true as I know this woman very well and she cared for her own mother with alzheimers) but mom just wants one of us to wait on her all of the time. I guess I got my answer to the question of dependence..it's not necessarily an illness but probably more likely a fear. I just keep remembering how much I love mom and will miss her when she's gone.
On a better note, I just got my cast off (broken arm) so hooray for caregiving without a cast. Thanks to everyone for the support. It really helps.
And as far as our parents needing control, I think that my daughter explained that to me in a better way. "When you get old, you lose control of so much, that you need to hold on to something." Mom was always the strong matriarch of our family. She lost that. She has now dropped to the bottom of the pecking order where everyone has to help her. Why wouldn't she want to try to grasp at anything to prove that she is still a valid member of life. We as children just have to try to put ourselves in their shoes for a little. And I try to remember that this is temporary. And as far as finding something for mom to do, forget about it...she doesn't want to leave the house. But she wants us to stay there with her. And that just can't happen all of the time.
Oh, and we had an anniversary yesterday...4 years since my Dad passed.