Am I being mean by not buying mom cigarettes?
Hello, and I would really like some advice because I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I moved my 61 year old mother to Hawaii to live with us and our daughter (we are military)in March. She had retired and used part of her saving to buy a house in 94, I don't know what happened but I found out last year that she the house had been taken by the bank, she was working again and barely getting by in a studio apartment. She won't talk about what happened, she had payed for the house in full so she must have borrowed against it. We had been paying most of her bills for a while and so we asked her to move in with us because we could not keep going like we were. She was going to sell her car and other things she was not going to ship so she would have some money of her own until she can collect social security.
She showed up here with $40 because she gave everything away she told me she "didn't have the energy for a yard sale" and an army of collection agents after her. We knew she was suffering from depression and she has always been overweight (around 350) and a smoker. She has no insurance, we spend $90 dollars a month on her medications for things that can be corrected like high blood pressure and cholesterol yet she wont take anti depressants. She gets out of breath walking from the kitchen back to the couch. She rarely leaves the house. We are a pretty healthy family, we don't eat junk food or many sweets, we are active.
I had been buying her cigarettes when she ran out of her own money but she started smoking more, when I found out she was taking high blood pressure and cholesterol medication I could not do it anymore. I hate smoking, she smokes outside but this is Hawaii all the windows are open so it comes right inside. It gives me a headache and it makes me angry she refuses to take care of herself. She has no insurance (another surprise) and if she gets sick it could bankrupt us. I can't contribute to it. I can't buy something I know is hurting her.
I have tried to make this transition as easy as possible for her, I know it can't be easy for her but I feel she should make an effort too and understand how it has changed our lives and the impact it has made, but all she can do is complain about no junk food and cigarettes. It has been 2 weeks since I stopped buying them and she asks almost every day, I say no and offer to buy the patch or gum, she says no thanks.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
Am I being mean by not buying mom cigarettes?
Hello, and I would really like some advice because I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I moved my 61 year old mother to Hawaii to live with us and our daughter (we are military)in March. She had retired and used part of her saving to buy a house in 94, I don't know what happened but I found out last year that she the house had been taken by the bank, she was working again and barely getting by in a studio apartment. She won't talk about what happened, she had payed for the house in full so she must have borrowed against it. We had been paying most of her bills for a while and so we asked her to move in with us because we could not keep going like we were. She was going to sell her car and other things she was not going to ship so she would have some money of her own until she can collect social security.
She showed up here with $40 because she gave everything away she told me she "didn't have the energy for a yard sale" and an army of collection agents after her. We knew she was suffering from depression and she has always been overweight (around 350) and a smoker. She has no insurance, we spend $90 dollars a month on her medications for things that can be corrected like high blood pressure and cholesterol yet she wont take anti depressants. She gets out of breath walking from the kitchen back to the couch. She rarely leaves the house. We are a pretty healthy family, we don't eat junk food or many sweets, we are active.
I had been buying her cigarettes when she ran out of her own money but she started smoking more, when I found out she was taking high blood pressure and cholesterol medication I could not do it anymore. I hate smoking, she smokes outside but this is Hawaii all the windows are open so it comes right inside. It gives me a headache and it makes me angry she refuses to take care of herself. She has no insurance (another surprise) and if she gets sick it could bankrupt us. I can't contribute to it. I can't buy something I know is hurting her.
I have tried to make this transition as easy as possible for her, I know it can't be easy for her but I feel she should make an effort too and understand how it has changed our lives and the impact it has made, but all she can do is complain about no junk food and cigarettes. It has been 2 weeks since I stopped buying them and she asks almost every day, I say no and offer to buy the patch or gum, she says no thanks.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
You know what's interesting? While I've not ever smoked, and thus never had to through trying to quit, I've heard that the first few weeks are the hardest. If she's already gone two weeks without them, perhaps giving her a pep talk about how she's already been through the worst may encourage her to try to go another day, and another and another. Make sense?
I hate smoking too and I can see why it would be really hard for you to feel like you were supporting a really unhealthy lifestyle for her. However, having things that were commonplace to her in her own house under such strict lock and key now may really throw your mom's depression into a wicked downward spiral. Relinquishing that control has to have been hard for her. Maybe, with regard to the sweets, there's a compromise. Maybe you can try to get her sweet things that have some nutritional value. Get her involved in the food choices.
You know what's interesting? While I've not ever smoked, and thus never had to through trying to quit, I've heard that the first few weeks are the hardest. If she's already gone two weeks without them, perhaps giving her a pep talk about how she's already been through the worst may encourage her to try to go another day, and another and another. Make sense?
I hate smoking too and I can see why it would be really hard for you to feel like you were supporting a really unhealthy lifestyle for her. However, having things that were commonplace to her in her own house under such strict lock and key now may really throw your mom's depression into a wicked downward spiral. Relinquishing that control has to have been hard for her. Maybe, with regard to the sweets, there's a compromise. Maybe you can try to get her sweet things that have some nutritional value. Get her involved in the food choices.
I agree with you in NOT buying the cigarettes. She is an adult and since you said she is not old enough for Soc Sec I am assuming under the age of 62. She has to know this is bad for her. Not to mention the 2nd hand smoke she is imposing on you and your family. I do not think we, as children, should contribute to the bad habits, or even possible death of our parents. If she doesnt understand that is not your fault. Explain it nicely and then just dont answer when she asks again. Just my advice, dealing with my own mother's smoking issues!
JoyRN
I agree with you in NOT buying the cigarettes. She is an adult and since you said she is not old enough for Soc Sec I am assuming under the age of 62. She has to know this is bad for her. Not to mention the 2nd hand smoke she is imposing on you and your family. I do not think we, as children, should contribute to the bad habits, or even possible death of our parents. If she doesnt understand that is not your fault. Explain it nicely and then just dont answer when she asks again. Just my advice, dealing with my own mother's smoking issues!
JoyRN
You must step into your mother's shoes and wonder how she feels that everything she is use to is now gone. I agree that you should not pay for her smoking habit and when she asks for them you need to explain that it is not your responsibilty to support her bad habit. Do it in a loving way and you may have to repeat yourself every time she asks. As for the sweets I do agree with Missy on that. The older I become in life and being the primary caregiver of my mother change is hard as we age. To become sick, or down on our luck and our children have to step in is the hardest thing for that person. My Mom is a smoker also. I do allow her to have 2 a day. I wheel her outside and let her enjoy what she has been use to for many many years. Her life is coming to an end and it makes her happy. My mom is only 68. Good luck to you and your family. Enjoy the time you have with your mom. I know that there will be days that it will not be easy. Cherish the good days.
You must step into your mother's shoes and wonder how she feels that everything she is use to is now gone. I agree that you should not pay for her smoking habit and when she asks for them you need to explain that it is not your responsibilty to support her bad habit. Do it in a loving way and you may have to repeat yourself every time she asks. As for the sweets I do agree with Missy on that. The older I become in life and being the primary caregiver of my mother change is hard as we age. To become sick, or down on our luck and our children have to step in is the hardest thing for that person. My Mom is a smoker also. I do allow her to have 2 a day. I wheel her outside and let her enjoy what she has been use to for many many years. Her life is coming to an end and it makes her happy. My mom is only 68. Good luck to you and your family. Enjoy the time you have with your mom. I know that there will be days that it will not be easy. Cherish the good days.
Mossy Rose has the way of it - compromise. Consider: would YOU like to have your favorite thing taken away at a time when it seems everything else you valued is gone too? I am an x-smoker and I know how hard it is to quit and how it affects the mind/body connection. Try to offer Compassion in all things.
Recall tobacco can be a sacred ceremony if used with that intention. Peace to All
Mossy Rose has the way of it - compromise. Consider: would YOU like to have your favorite thing taken away at a time when it seems everything else you valued is gone too? I am an x-smoker and I know how hard it is to quit and how it affects the mind/body connection. Try to offer Compassion in all things.
Recall tobacco can be a sacred ceremony if used with that intention. Peace to All
I totally understand your position. I too am spending $75 a month on prescriptions for my mom, paying for her doctor appointments and basically doing all I can to keep her alive and she's smoking close to two packs a day. I refuse to buy them so my mom usually goes 2 weeks every month without them but as soon as her check comes in she's right back smoking.
I've tried telling her that the hardest part of quitting is the 1st two but her explanation of restarting is "she missed it".
Makes me want to scream and cry.....
I totally understand your position. I too am spending $75 a month on prescriptions for my mom, paying for her doctor appointments and basically doing all I can to keep her alive and she's smoking close to two packs a day. I refuse to buy them so my mom usually goes 2 weeks every month without them but as soon as her check comes in she's right back smoking.
I've tried telling her that the hardest part of quitting is the 1st two but her explanation of restarting is "she missed it".
Makes me want to scream and cry.....
I think that where I said 'do not respond' if she keeps asking may not be appropriate. I guess I am just so upset with my own mother. She has me do her check book every month but generally over the phone and will not tell me who the amounts are to. I just traveled to see her and spent a month with her. She handed me her checkbook (without thinking I am sure) to do it for the month. I found OVER $500 A MONTH, going to the Tobacco Barn. So I looked back over the last 6 months and never a month less than $500 and some months as high as $700. While my stay there she would at times have 2 cigarettes lit at the same time. If not that, as soon as she put one down she lit another. She has burned holes in her furniture, her clothes, and brown spots on the sinks and counters. I tried to talk to her about it and what she would be able to do with that money. She is always saying she is broke and is in despirate need of a car. She is driving one 17 yrs old and with no a/c and windows will no longer go down. She says she will NOT give up her cigarettes no matter what she could have. I know if the roles were reversed she would have me tied to a chair! Good Luck with your mom.
JoyRN
I think that where I said 'do not respond' if she keeps asking may not be appropriate. I guess I am just so upset with my own mother. She has me do her check book every month but generally over the phone and will not tell me who the amounts are to. I just traveled to see her and spent a month with her. She handed me her checkbook (without thinking I am sure) to do it for the month. I found OVER $500 A MONTH, going to the Tobacco Barn. So I looked back over the last 6 months and never a month less than $500 and some months as high as $700. While my stay there she would at times have 2 cigarettes lit at the same time. If not that, as soon as she put one down she lit another. She has burned holes in her furniture, her clothes, and brown spots on the sinks and counters. I tried to talk to her about it and what she would be able to do with that money. She is always saying she is broke and is in despirate need of a car. She is driving one 17 yrs old and with no a/c and windows will no longer go down. She says she will NOT give up her cigarettes no matter what she could have. I know if the roles were reversed she would have me tied to a chair! Good Luck with your mom.
JoyRN
Thanks so much for all of your replies. She asked me again the other day and I told her every reason why I could not do it, she said she understood. I offered again to get her some gum or nicotine patch and she said no. I have been baking more scones, cupcakes and other things but the compromise I do it my way and substitute other things for the fat. (They taste so much better.)
I always knew my mother was a compulsive over eater I never realized how bad it was until she moved in with us, I only lived with her 2 years as a teen. Bags of pretzels will be gone the next morning same for the left overs I put in the fridge. It is just so hard to wrap my head around how she can eat herself to immobility. What is going to happen when my husband deploys soon and I can't get her in the car by myself? She is barley getting around with her cane now.
I am sure when she gets her SS in November she will go back to smoking. I am trying to accept the fact that she does not care about her health it is not easy to love someone more than they love themselves.
Thanks so much for all of your replies. She asked me again the other day and I told her every reason why I could not do it, she said she understood. I offered again to get her some gum or nicotine patch and she said no. I have been baking more scones, cupcakes and other things but the compromise I do it my way and substitute other things for the fat. (They taste so much better.)
I always knew my mother was a compulsive over eater I never realized how bad it was until she moved in with us, I only lived with her 2 years as a teen. Bags of pretzels will be gone the next morning same for the left overs I put in the fridge. It is just so hard to wrap my head around how she can eat herself to immobility. What is going to happen when my husband deploys soon and I can't get her in the car by myself? She is barley getting around with her cane now.
I am sure when she gets her SS in November she will go back to smoking. I am trying to accept the fact that she does not care about her health it is not easy to love someone more than they love themselves.
I have one more suggestion. If you can get her to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, she will meet other women who have dealt with compulsive overeating. It will give her a new circle of wonderful friends in recovery. I fear more for her health with the weight than the cigarettes. Possible she might go WITH you to a few meetings to find out what a "safe" place it is.
I have one more suggestion. If you can get her to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, she will meet other women who have dealt with compulsive overeating. It will give her a new circle of wonderful friends in recovery. I fear more for her health with the weight than the cigarettes. Possible she might go WITH you to a few meetings to find out what a "safe" place it is.
I am 64 yrs old and an ex smoker. My biggest argument for smoking was that I enjoyed it. A severe allergy took care of my smoking. One puff and I was coughing for an hour and cough syrup was not the answer. My husband put up with the severe mood changes for the following months until I didn't miss the cigarettes and then it didn't make sense. Reading your story, one of the things that I noted is that perhaps your mother is grieving the loss of the belongings, home, etc. Overeating plays into this as well, hoping to make herself feel better. Exercise of any sort would be helpful but obviously it is out the question, but what about just spending time outside? My mother in law loves sweets and she can eat them all day and what seems to help sometimes is that we don't tell her anything. When she tells something to my husband about a desert he may eat, he tells her she as room to talk and that stops the debate. It's one do what I say not what I do. When I smoked I didn't care about what effect it would have on my health and if I overate, I didn't care to hear it. What would make a difference for me was my own budget. If I bought a carton of cigs, I smoked more, if I had a pack I didn't care to finish it because I didn't want to get out and buy another; I would take some puffs and put out. Now there is something that is like smoking cigarettes without the nicotine that is supposed to help. Might be a shot and the worst it can do is help. What your mother is going through has nothing to do with you personally, but perhaps she may consider some changes without verbalizing health benefits. This may be more trouble, but try fixing enough portions for the number of family members who will be eating. I am a stubborn and hardheaded woman, but I wish you the best.
I am 64 yrs old and an ex smoker. My biggest argument for smoking was that I enjoyed it. A severe allergy took care of my smoking. One puff and I was coughing for an hour and cough syrup was not the answer. My husband put up with the severe mood changes for the following months until I didn't miss the cigarettes and then it didn't make sense. Reading your story, one of the things that I noted is that perhaps your mother is grieving the loss of the belongings, home, etc. Overeating plays into this as well, hoping to make herself feel better. Exercise of any sort would be helpful but obviously it is out the question, but what about just spending time outside? My mother in law loves sweets and she can eat them all day and what seems to help sometimes is that we don't tell her anything. When she tells something to my husband about a desert he may eat, he tells her she as room to talk and that stops the debate. It's one do what I say not what I do. When I smoked I didn't care about what effect it would have on my health and if I overate, I didn't care to hear it. What would make a difference for me was my own budget. If I bought a carton of cigs, I smoked more, if I had a pack I didn't care to finish it because I didn't want to get out and buy another; I would take some puffs and put out. Now there is something that is like smoking cigarettes without the nicotine that is supposed to help. Might be a shot and the worst it can do is help. What your mother is going through has nothing to do with you personally, but perhaps she may consider some changes without verbalizing health benefits. This may be more trouble, but try fixing enough portions for the number of family members who will be eating. I am a stubborn and hardheaded woman, but I wish you the best.