Archived Conversations

the woman I have called Mom for 30 Years has been diagnosed with cancer i'm still on light Duty for my work injury and I'm worried about losing my job due to the Fact off having to call in so much ,Please put Mom in your Prayers and me also

My husband has stage 4 prostate cancer and one mets. We have not had sex in over 6 years and he never brings it up. Is he having and affair or should I consider having one?

I need help and feel like my marriage is falling apart. I have 2 daughters one is 3 and we just had another baby 2 months ago. I am the only provider in my family and my wife says she doesn't want to put our kids through day care. I get it she wants to raise our 2 daughters. She is a great mom and teaches and educates them very well. In the mean time my wife said raising our daughter was too much and requested we have our in-laws move in with us. Here is what is happening now. My brother in law moved in with us too! I basically had to support him for a year while he was on supposed hunt for a job. It got to the point where I had to tell him that he was taking advantage of the situation and he ended up moving out. Now I am stuck with the in-laws paying for just about everything. We even give them a $500.00 allowance for helping us. Considering they have no bills and claims they are working to move out all I see them is going out every week with friends and spending money. I have gotten to the point where I am sick and tired of this situation and my wife feels compelled to help them out no matter what. She says what I am suppose to do just kick them out on the streets. Another reason I am so resentful is because the father in law doesn't help to much around the house. He makes a mess everywhere he goes and doesn't clean up after himself. Any suggestions?

my aunt (86) seemed to be getting forgetful for a couple of years, but was still living on her own. 3 months ago she developed pneumonia, and a couple of other infections and was hospitalized for a couple of weeks then was sent to rehab for 3 weeks. At the end of all this she seemed to be getting better and against the advise of the therapists at the rehab I asked that she be allowed to go home with carers (I am her poa), she was only home a few days when she fired all the carers, refused her medications and called EMS to get her a drink of water. I don't live with her, and because I am in Canada, just across the border from her, I could not have her live with me. After the ems incident I called them again and had her taken to the hospital because I suspected an infection, she was delirious, paranoid and was hallucinating. At the hospital they did all the test to rule out infections, and then did CT scans, neurology reports and a physic evaluation. The upshot was, she has demential with paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. While in the hospital she became extremely angry with me and told me to get out, I was called the next day and told she had agreed to go to a full care facility long term. We went and met with her and the doctors, she seemed ok and even spoke to me. Next day she screamed at me to get out again, now (20 days later) she will neither see me nor speak to me, get really agitated when my name is mentioned and screams if she sees me. I have stayed away and phone every day and ask the nurses to tell her I love her and want to see her, but she says I put her into care, and I am stealing all her money and she never wants to see me again, tells everyone I have listening devises in her room and am spying on her through the window. This is tearing me apart, I feel terrible guilt because I did promise never to put her into care, and I also start to think the diagnoses is wrong, especially when other people visit her and say she appears to be fine. She has refused all her medications, (COPD, congestive heart failure and fluid in the lungs) and all oxygen, but still appears ok. She has stopped therapy so now Medicare will not help with the bills, this is over $7000 per month, she has enough money to last a little while, when that runs out she will have to go into a semi private room. This is all wearing me down, my husband is getting upset with me because I can't sleep properly, feel guilty all the time, and talk about her constantly, even though I try not to.

Dad wears the "pull-up" type Depends underwear because of his incontinence. He is ambulatory and able to go to the toilet by himself in public restrooms, but sometimes after he uses the bathroom, he is not aware that his private parts are not tucked back into the underwear. So, when he has an accident, he will wet his outer clothing. Does anyone have a simple suggestion for Mom & me to solve this problem? Dad still values his privacy and short of following him into the Mens room to check his underwear every time - I'm not sure what to do. Is there another type of incontinence underwear that would be better suited for him?

What would you want, or not want, as your life comes to an end.

I want to prepare an Advance Directive to help my children make decisions about my end-of-life care.

I'm having trouble answering my own questions about what I want, or don't want.

My main concern is to make my death as easy for my adult children as possible.

I have a will, a grave site and what to do with my body all written out for them.

If you have details of what you would or would not want, and would be kind enough to share them here on this forum, it may help me, and others, set out their own ideas.

Thank you so much.

Judithr

Just Realized I Need to Go to the Doctor with My Mom

I'm just seeking a bit of support. Yesterday my 92 year old Mom and I went to the hospital after her doctor's office called and said told her to go there that afternoon and bring someone with her. She said she needed a blood test. What they actually told her was that she needed to go to the emergency room to be tested for a possible blood clot. We finally to the right area and thank goodness she didn't have a clot.

BUT, she was so difficult to deal with. Her description of why she was there was always blood test, not blood clot. She sometimes answered a different question than the nurse asked - at length. And they told her to make an appointment with her regular clinic before the Labor Day weekend. When I called her up at 3:00 this afternoon, suspecting she wouldn't remember to make the doctor appointment, I was right.

Anyway, after yesterday I've decided I need to go to all her doctor appointments with her and be sure I know what her condition is and what her instructions are. And that makes me feel burdened and in need of some support myself.

Also, my brother and cousin who both live out of state are working with me to call her on the phone every day, so I do have some help.

Just a bit more. When the nurse saw my Mother yesterday she said she couldn't believe she's that old. She is very healthy for her age and only takes 4 medications: 2 for blood pressure, 1 for water retention and I'm not sure what the 4th is for. She lives alone and drives. For example, she went to her hair appointment successfully today driving herself. While she is having short-term memory loss, I honestly believe that she is OK living alone, feeding herself, caring for her yard and driving to familiar places during the day (which she decided to limit herself to several years ago). But yesterday gives me pause.

Thanks to anyone who takes time to read this and offer a friendly hand.

My daughter is battling Stage 4 Met Breast Cancer at age 25.

My daughter was dxed on April 22nd this year with met breast cancer, spread to bone (compression fractures c6 and t6-t11. liver and spleen. Lungs questionable, they thought they saw a few spots. On June 27th after she opted out of chemo, very sick, 3 infections, and she decided quality is better than than so call quantity they are trying to give her. She also had palliative radiation, ruined her esophagus and literally burnt her from the inside out. My daughter was told her cancer incurable, she has probably had it 8 yrs and she might live 12 to 24 months with treatment and 6 to 18 without. She has experienced weight loss, loss of appetite, hot flashes, nausea, vomiting, lethargy, enlarged spleen, discomfort in the shoulder, back, ribs and she as Ascites (swelling of the abdomen due to liver holding fluid) and a heaviest under rib cage, and of course depression. My daughters calcium was 17.6 (norm is 9) and she was pregnant with her first child. Pregnancy of course had to be terminated. It has been a nightmare. She has undergone two kyphoplasty procedures to stablize spine (cement like substance is injected between vertebrates. She has lot everything and now living back home with me (her mom). Today she just started crying and apologize because she just couldn't stop, my heart was just breaking. I honestly do not know how i am going to continue handling watching my only daughter die. I do wonder how long she will live, I wonder how I will remain strong, how I will stand at her funeral. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach and that feeling has not gone away since April 22nd. Having to tell my daughter 24 at the time, that she had stage 4 cancer that spread and that she had to terminate her pregnancy was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Relationship falling apart

My mother in law has lived with us for the last 4 years. Her health has is not great but except for being obese, she still can live a very active lifestyle if she chose to. She came to live with us 4 years ago because her health and finanical situations were both in crisis. We had hoped that supporting her the way that my husband and I have done would have bettered her life, but she still is making poor decisions. She sends money that she really doesn't have, needs to take antidepression medicine, and eats too much of the wrong kinds of foods.
Today my husband came up to me and said that my mother in law doesn't "feel comfortable" coming upstairs to the part of the house that my husband and children live in. I don't know what she meant by that. I have to admit that I don't go out of my way to go downstairs to her living space because frankly, I see enough of her. I work all day and we all eat as a family almost every night. I think that is enough time to spend with someone. She works out of the home and has no social life. I think she wants us to be the Waltons but I don't think I could handle any more time with her. How do you tell someone that they need to get a life and try not to suck the life out of mine?

When caregiving ended, I realized that I had been isolated so long that I had no life to go back to.

After nearly five years of caring for my MIL who has Alzheimer, I realize that I am out of touch with the world.

I had thought that when care giving ended, all I needed was a good rest and that everything else would come naturally.

As your loved ones' Alzheimer progresses, your own speech patterns begin to change. Your communication skills alter: (1) as your vocabulary begins to shrink to fit the limited topics of conversation and (2)as your sentence structure shortens to phrases with physical cues. The first three years I compared my life to the social isolation of a stay-at-home mom with small children. The last two years have been more like someone who was imprisoned.

Through the years my world became intense with a single minded goal--then I became numb from burnout. The social world that I am entering seems so frivolous.

I feel as if I am one of the aliens from "3rd Rock From the Sun" except there is no humor. Instead of just relaxing and enjoying this new founded freedom of reentering the world, I find that I need to be keenly aware of social nuances so that I do not blunder. It now takes courage to get out there and not withdraw as I blunder. Will it get easier??????