Addiction Support Group

Hello Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear about the challenge you're facing with your husband's addiction. While you wait for a response from a fellow community member, here a few resources that may be helpful to you:

You may consider going to your local Area Agency on Aging (http://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging) or calling 211 to see if there are any organizations that can help in your area.

You can also look into Al-Anon groups in your region, which were originally created to help the families of alcoholics but my also help with your situation. There is no cost. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting[alateen.org]

You may also refer to our database of 14,000+ answers by searching key words and questions here: www.caring.com/ask/search If you do not find an answer you are searching for, you may also submit your own question to our community at www.caring.com/ask.

If he has severe COPD and emphysema how does he get his alcoholic beverages? It doesn't seem like he can walk to get them himself. If per chance he drives and ought not to be, get his licence gone and arrested if he drives again. You need to control the alcohol access. He only gets his days ration whatever it is after he has showered and is in clean clothes.Tell him the rule, walk out and return in an hour to see if he complied. If not, do the same over again calmly, until he complies when he gets his drinks.That avoids a nasty fight the prompt departure and giving him time to accept doing those tasks without him loosing too much face. Soon he'll adjust to that pattern. Some one like him who has still control of their bodily functions in the main retains that up to the day they suddenly are systemically collapsing so much they end up in hospital without long to go and die there. His reason for avoiding a nursing home is simply he couldn't drink.If he hits the collapse stage and hospital though survives, he would normally be so ill that he won't be able to keep alcohol down. Plus he'd be so frail that there is nothing he'd be able to do if moved on to a nusing home to be dying not too long afterwards. Do look into any home based assistance programs for yourself and case workers who can help you with advice and rescource access in dealing with him currently and if anything needs to be done for accessing future services with waiting lists.

Attend and Al-Anon meeting. The support is there for you. It's about accepting what we can and can't control and that we have the power to change ourselves, and not others. Unfortunately, much negativity comes from living with an Addict. If it is your home, you need to set boundaries for what you are ok with, and more importantly, what you will not tolerate. This may mean you have to give him the choice of living there or not. It sounds like he needs to be given a consequence, otherwise his behavior will not change. You cannot limit the amount he drinks. It is not your job! That is definitely not healthy for you, or him. And you would be setting yourself up for failure and dissapointment. I think it would cause you a world of hurt. We tend to set expectations on people, and become angry and sad when they aren't the people we want them to be. You can only control YOU, and how you react and how you set your boundaries. Sometimes that means dissapointing others. And unfortunately addicts are very self-centered when they are using. He is not considering others or their feelings here as he is very sick. Try focusing on what is going to be healthiest for you. Wishing you all the best.

This is a heartbreaking and nearly impossible situation. I'm not sure where you live, but Florida, there is a statute called the 'Marchman Act' whereby a person can be committed/taken into custody and detox / court-ordered rehab (http://www.fkoc.org/InfoPages/marchmanact.htm). You can petition the US Government to become a 'representative payee' if he is on social security. However, I know from personal experience that it's nearly impossible to take 'guardianship' of an addict (even if they want you to -- and far, far harder if they're fighting you).

In the absence of something like the Marchman Act in whatever state you are in, a family intervention leading to inpatient treatment is likely your best bet. Check with his health insurance to see what is covered. By not addressing it, and allowing him to live (drinking himself into oblivion) in the home that you all have collectively inherited without addressing the situation, you're enabling his behavior and allowing the disease to fester. My fear would be not that he would end up dead (that's clearly the behavior that he is choosing) but that he would end up killing someone else - driving to get his next bottle, leaving the gas on and a house explosion ... who knows. It will be hard, but you have to love him enough to fight for him even if he won't fight for himself anymore. Grief counseling (finding the root of WHY he's drinking) will be a key to success. It's a difficult path your family finds itself on - one that many, many of us have walked/are walking too. You're not alone. Good luck, my thoughts will be with you.

Thank you for your reply. He is in Kentucky and we are all in Ohio. The root of his alcoholism is unknown. He started as a teenager. I think maybe he was self-medicating to cope with mental illness. He was an angry little kid as I recall. My other siblings want to just put their head in the sand and hope it goes away. He does get a bit violent when really intoxicated. I have been having nightmares about him driving and killing someone. I'm not sure what the laws are but I am going to find out. I think he needs to know even if it is only from me and my husband, that this must stop.

Again, thanks for your reply.

Wow how sad for you with your loss regarding your grandad. I lost my mom last year to COPD, so I know how ugly that disease can be. But back to the topic at hand. I know how bad you want him to quit again but there really isn't anything you can do to make him quit. Look how many times your loved ones wanted you to quit, and you didn't till you were ready. I am speaking from a position of being an addict with more than one substance. I heard this saying that I think fits. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it. Not in any way implying your boyfriend is a horse, lol, but I think its sort of fitting. You can lead by example and take care of yourself so you don't return to it. Good luck. Peace & Blessings

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom :(( I wouldn't be able to imagine that, and she smokes too. I've just seen what it does, and can do to people- I just quit, I had to. I could feel it in my lungs, I was out of breath going up stairs, and I was only 22 at the time, and I knew, it would kill me.

Well I know I can't force him but I need to motivate him somehow. At first after my Grandpa died, I couldn't be around smokers who were smoking, or I'd just cry ( and I don't cry alot)... I would change the channel on the tv when the ads came up or a movie with someone smoking- but finally I realized... ppl will do what they want to. so I know I can 'lead a horse to water' but I can't make him drink it, but I wanna put some coolaid and sugar in the water so it's more appealing lol

I know you weren't saying he's a horse, thats awesome... LOL hahahaha :)

Hi, whoever you are.

My heart goes out to you.

You've probably found another site by now since no one's responded to you, but if you happen to read this---please don't give up!

From what you wrote, I assume methadone has helped you get your life back together. You've made much progress, and I hope you seek professional help from a drug and alcohol counselor.

I know someone who was on methadone and tried to stop twice on his own. He failed. He checked himself into a treatment, and failed. The second time he checked himself in, he succeeded. He's been doing great for several years.

Just please don't give up, and don't let others get you down.

First of all, find new, non-judgmental N.A. meetings to attend! And, second, do not feel compelled to share in meetings that you are on Methadone maintenance. You have accomplished so much--don't become discouraged. Keep going to meetings and hang on to those accomplishments.

Yes, she is a hoarder. Sorry to say that but IMHO she is.

I've seen the show and am a borderline hoarder myself. The program is something I watch because it helps keep me and my potential hoarding in check.

I've got a couple of suggestions for you. Get her to watch the show. It may help. Also,pack the books. But when she gets to her new place they simply will not be there. Don't blame the movers or trouble will reign supreme. Tell her you will bring the books once she is settled and then have an unfortunate occurance. ?????A broken water pipe and flood--books gone???? I don't know but those nasty books are not healthy for her as I'm sure you already know.

Now she has NO clue how many she has, so is it possible to sneak out 4 books for every one you put in a box????? With her failing eye site that sounds possible.

You could also tell her you are gonna put them in "storage" til the move is complete. You could bring in any number of books and she would be happy. It is extra work for you to sort through and try to find acceptable books to take back to her but it is a thought.

At this point in her life I don't think a counselor would help that much. But a possible one time consultation might work. But from wht you say she is elderly, so I'm not to sure about the affect any therapy would have at this point.

Keep me posted on how the process goes. Good luck

My husband is also a hoarder of books. When he had his stroke in 2004, I found every type of manual you can imagine in his garage being eaten by Silverfish, mildew, black mold, and various critters that eat paper. I ended up having to transport them to a local dump just to get rid of the critters and save the walls of the garage. Book hoarders are the worse because as an item of possession they convey intelligence (according to a local therapist) as in the manuals, or of religious standards as in Religious books. Hoarders actually think (according to the therapist) owning them gives them the knowledge between the covers. When my husband recovered in 2007, he was beside himself when he found them gone. He has since started to collect again and I suspect he will until he expires. You might suggest a new collection if you have to get rid of them. That suggestion satisfied my husband and we are now trying to keep his collection small.Hope you get some wonderful advice here as it is abundant and heartfelt on almost every level. Good luck!

Hi Lisa,

I can't tell you that your parents are going to be just like me because I don't know what they are taking, what its for, etc.. All I can do is tell you my experience.

I've been a recovering alcoholic for 20 years now. About 18 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The pain became so unbearable that my doctors, knowing that I was a recovering alcoholic, prescribed a mild pain medication for me about 8 years ago.

I have to interject here that I have a niece who is a full blown pain medication addict. I love her very much, and I tried to help her, but all she did was lie to me, take advantage of me, and pull me down with her emotionally. I finally had to break all ties with her. I was literally becoming sick with worry and I realized that I wasn't helping her at all.

The experience did help me though. I knew the last thing that I wanted to happen to me, was what happened to her (does that make sense?). I also told myself that if I abused my medications, they wouldn't work for me when I really needed them because you build up a tolerance to them. As a result, I only take the medication when I really need it for pain.

My medication stopped working for me because I had built up a tolerance to them after so many years. I now take Oxycontin and Roxycodone which are notorious for addiction, and yes, it did concern me. The first two or three days that I took them I did get a little "buzz" off of them because they were stronger than what I was taking. My body built up a tolerance to them after that, so that I don't get that buzz anymore, but fortunately they still relieve the pain.

If I wanted a buzz again I would have to take more than what is prescribed for me. Eventually my body would keep building up a tolerance and I would be in my niece's shoes. I would have to trick MANY doctors into giving me more pills than my original doctor prescribed. Some doctors wise up and stop prescribing which would require me to continue the hunt for new doctors and prescriptions, or paying the outrageous prices on the street for them.

My niece would have to call family members begging for rent money. She would spend a couple of days at a time going from one emergency room to another, across her state, feigning pain, until she would run out of gas and/or money, and call her husband to come and get her.

I live on the east coast and I can tell you that the doctors in my state are very careful and keep a close eye on what is prescribed to me, what amounts I have received, and how long it takes me to go through them. If I abused them in any way, they would stop prescribing to me and then I would have to suffer the pain. The doctors are very careful because the state keeps a close eye on them. Its hard to find doctors who will prescribe pain medication in my state. My GP wouldn't do it but referred me to a specialist who would.

I always kid with my doctor and tell him that my memory isn't good enough for me to be a drug addict (fibromyalgia symptom). I have a hard time remembering to take my pills. I divide them up into pill boxes, so that I can look at each day and know what I've taken at any time. I always have a few pills left over at the end of the week.

The experience with my niece was a good education on drug addiction for me and a clear warning on what could happen to me.

You could call your parent's doctor. He/she can't tell you anything about your parents, but might be able to assuage your fears by telling you what precautions he takes. Also, be aware, that he might tell your parents that you called.

I know there are many recovering people who would tell me that I'm fooling myself into another addiction, but they don't have to live with the severe pain that I have. I used to have to sit with hot moist towels on my areas of pain, and rock back and forth, moaning in pain. Even people in pain can't tell me they know from their pain, because everyone is different.

My pain management doctor, in another state, used to be amazed at how well I could take my painful injections of steroids and lidocaine, so I know I'm not a baby when it comes to pain. With fibromyalgia you know an injection is a "good one" when it goes to a trigger point of pain and travels through out the enflamed muscle. It's extremely painful, but then the lidocaine would bring relief and the muscle would release from the knot it was in.

My husband came with me once, for my injections, which would sometimes add up to a dozen or more. He walked away from it with a new respect for me after he saw what I endured, and it validated my complaints of pain.

If your parents truly feel that their pain medications are justified, maybe they wouldn't mind if you went to an appointment with them to their pain management doctor. It really helps to see things from the inside sometimes. I've always welcomed anyone from my family to my appointments. It's also another check in my safety system from another destroying addiction.

I hope this helps you see it from a recovering point of view, and that this wasn't too redundant. Your parents are very lucky to have such a caring daughter. God bless you honey and good luck.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience, amusinsusan!! I really do feel better about things after reading how you've handled this issue over so many years. I have heard that fibromyalgia is VERY painful and I do not judge you one bit for taking pain medication nor do I think you're "setting yourself up for a second addiction". It sounds like you are handling your alcoholism recovery extremely well, especially with having the extra challenge of having such a painful condition! Thanks again for sharing- come back and post anytime!

Lisa

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear of your dad's gambling addiction.  It must be really hard to watch him be so destructive. 

Unfortunately, Medicare does not cover assisted living costs.  You can read more about that here.  He may qualify for Medicaid, which is needs based.  However, in order for Medicaid to pay for longterm care costs, they will have to be deemed medically necessary. 

Do you think that, perhaps, rehab would be helpful?  Or maybe a Gambler's Anonymous meeting?

I know exactly what your goin thru. My mother has the same addiction with a VERY similiar story.

She lost all equity in her home, has filed for brupcy twice. Owes almost everybody she knows. Ironically, she has been sober from alcohol for over 30 yrs, & still goes to AA mtgs. Fortunately she has a govt pension from the post ofc, but still remaining is the addiction. They say an addiction is an addiction, meaning it doesnt matter what the drug is (including gambling of course). I agree up to the point of early recovery. With drugs/alcohol you can go to the hospital, detox there, and then get placed in rehab for 30, 90, or up to 24 months at many rehabs or TC's. The difference with gambling is you really can't "detox" in a facility that I know of. Gamblers Anonymous is a good start. Theres a few long-term programs for drugs/alcohol/crime etc. One is called Delancey Street Foundation located in San Francisco. It doesnt cost anything. ITs long term (2yrs) and is the best in the country.

 I was in a similar position hoping that starting Aricept would be the coincidental means to stop my dad from driving as well as drinking. Unfortunately his doctor didn't see a problem with either. The official Aricept website doesn't address combining the drug with alcohol, and alcohol does not seem to be a contraindication, although many doctors often advise against mixing the two. (The Mayo Clinic for a typical example points out that alcohol can cause side effect interaction with many different drugs and a physician should be consulted about individual cases.) All that said, it's probably a great idea if you can talk to her doctor about it. Some dementia can be alcohol induced and there are such cases of Aricept improving the dementia quite a bit; it may be better in such instances to take the medication even with the drinking rather than not at all. Her own doctor is the best person to evaluate and advise--

My mother in law is 83 years old and has alcohol-induced dementia.  Hers stems from consistent, daily drinking for over 50 years.  Her drink of choice was beer and she had at least 2 six-packs each day during those years.  She was in rehab twice.  So I sympathize with you.  The only reason my mother in law doesn't drink now is because my husband got guardianship of her about 6 years ago after her second time in rehab.  If she still had the option, she would be drinking today.  So although your mother still insists on drinking while taking the medicine, I have to agree with the other person who posted who said at least your mother is taking the Aricept.  Whether it is helpful to its full potential with your mother still drinking ... I don't know, but probably not.  However, unless you have the legal authority to make decisions for her or put her in rehab, it is ultimately her decision to continue drinking.  Best wishes to you in your struggle.