When is the best time to have an important conversation with a dying parent or relative? "Now," says David Kuhl, a palliative care doctor who studied the most important wishes of people with terminal illnesses for his book What Dying People Want.
When Kuhl was a newlywed at the bedside of his dying father-in-law, before he became a doctor, he and his wife missed that opportunity. "The hospital staff said to us, 'Why don't you go home? He could be here for a long, long, long time,'" he recalls. "Now I know that, by the way he was breathing, they knew it wouldn't be a long, long, long time. I wish somebody had said, 'We're not sure whether it will be a day or two, or even just hours. So if there's anything you want to say to him, or if you want to just be with him or hold him, now would be the time.'"
After recording the stories of 21 dying people for his book -- and sitting beside thousands of others through his clinical work -- Kuhl found that connecting deeply with loved ones, particularly children, is one of the most important things to people at this stage of life. "It's the responsibility of the parent to make sure their child is heard and seen when they are young," Kuhl says. "And as parents grow old, they want to be heard and seen. People would say to me after we'd spend time together, 'I only wish I had told this story to my children, because they don't really know me and I don't know them. And I'd like to hear their stories, too.'"
Even children who spend a lot of time with dying parents often find it difficult to talk to them on an other than "mundane, day- to-day basis," says Kuhl. And terminal illness can exacerbate this because parents and children often try to hide the truth about the illness from each other, further hampering the possibility of an honest discussion. "We start taking care of each other through a conspiracy of silence," Kuhl says, "and that doesn't serve us well."
If it feels awkward to start a conversation, he says to begin by admitting that. "Say 'Mom (or Dad), I really want to know you better and I'm not even sure how to begin,'" Kuhl says. Then start at the beginning, talking about her early childhood and working through her life and up to broader questions such as: "What's been most meaningful in your life? What's been most challenging? What are you sorry about? What was the funniest stuff? When did you have the most fun in your life?"
Ultimately, these intimate conversations are important for children as well as parents, Kuhl found. "My sense is that when children don't have those conversations with their parents, their grief will be greater after the parent has died. My rule of thumb is: If it's worth doing when someone has six months of life left, it's worth doing today."
Read the fulll interview with David Kuhl.
lost my husband to lung cancer three years ago. Wish I would of read these articles sooner they hold a lot of information I could have used... he died at home I took the last 6 months off from work to be with him.. .I am now 64 and I still can't forgive myself for not helping him more.. all I did was cry and every time I tried to talk to him about dying and to do a cd recording for his grandson he changed the subject .please if you know the end of life is near talk to your family ..god bless
Speaking first hand here...Folks if you plan on dying or being a Caregiver in S.C. be extra cautious. The Probate process can be a sad joke. It may start out something like this. Sole parent in nursing home with multiple/serious terminal health issues (diabetic-insul injs, heart congestion, tube feeding-npo, etc) and the level of care needed is simply not met. Now compound that with parent falling out of wheelchair and deranged patient roaming into parents room at night and hitting your parent (a small, quiet man) while hes in his bed. Theres more, but I think you get the picture. Now you, knowing theres a better way ask your parent if he would like to come live w/you (Dad maintained his mental faculties almost till the very end). A large smiling YES, he says I would like that. I was still working full time and commuted or used vacation days over the yrs to help both aging parents all I could and was glad to do it. Both parents had given their all to their parents and us (3) kids and were so very typical of the sacrifices made by our Greatest Generation. I made arrangements for a full time RN to stay during the day and I did the caregiving at night and on the weekends. We would pass ea other as she came in and I was headed out to work. It paid off--twice she met me at the ER of a major hosp as she rode w/Dad and EMT folks to handle the latest crisis and ea time he was kept alive by early recognition of another medical condition. Dad kept smiling was comfortable and secure. I put a private ph in his bedroom--modified a couple of walkers w/tennis balls, a bell and cloth tool belt and we went everywhere together. About once a month I loaded meds, insul., needles, ensure and clothes up and made the 2-1/2 hr dr back to the home he and Mother had built and checked on things. Dad stayed about a yr-never complained. I knew he missed the county/people/business he founded/worked at for 34 yrs. So, I asked him if he'd like for us to go back home--only if you go he said. That settled it. I retired at 55 after 32 yrs from a fortunate 300 co to spend time w/my only surviving parent. I made a couple of trips--moved our essentials--set Dad up w/new Dr and health org to come in 3x wk. Hired a massage therapist bi-weekly, found an old Dentist friend to make house calls, found a co to come in do x rays (health org nor Dr knew where to find) gave haircuts, washed laundry, started repairs on inside/outside of home (painting, roof repair, major appliances etc) that contractor never really finished. Home was in bad shape from sitting idle over a yr in addition to the contractor ripoffs during construction. And this took money lots of money. This called for a major investment from somebody somewhere. (forget the other two-they rarely came and all they could say was I don't know) I cashed in my retirement-paid off Dads home, did repairs, paid taxes, put in two new heat pumps, new hosp bed, lift chair, etc, etc. Everyone knew this. Dad was my first and only priority. Now I'll fast forward. Dad eventually fell and broke his hip. Never got out of bed again. I fed 3x a day by tube (warmed/tasted every can), mixed/gave injections, ground/dissolved all his meds, changed/unstopped his feeding tube, flushed his super pubic catheter, changed his dressings, massaged his feet and managed everything that went in and came out of him kept him for 5 yrs A-L-O-N-E. 7x24 by sleeping w/my clothes on incl shoes in case he rang the bell over his bed. Twice I saved his life when his sugar fell into the 20's. NOW we're covering the end. You remember how we started this is how it can end. Dad expired before he signed his will. And the lawyers loved it. I hired an attny, paid him-was appointed the PR for the estate, filed my claim and was immediately removed as PR, dropped by my lawyer (who switched over to another side) the court appointed another PR from Social Services??, no lawyer in county would take my case and I had to go to another county for attny that would only take if he was paid $5000.00 in advance, was asked to pay rent for the 5 yrs I stayed w/Dad at his house, was refused any payment for taxes or the items purchased, RN, trips etc,etc,etc "BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A CONTRACT W/MY DAD"...FINALLY, AFTER MULTIPLE HEARINGS THE COURT DECIDED TO AUCTION OFF HOME AND ADVERTISED ONLINE ETC THE DATE/TIME OF AUCTION. A FEW HOURS BEFORE AUCTION WAS TO BEGIN A "RETIRING APPELATE JUDGE" BOUGHT THE HOME FOR LESS THAN HALF ITS APPRAISED VALUE. AND THERES A LOT MORE. I WAS TOLD BY MY ATTORNEY THAT I DIDN'T NEED A COPY OF THE FINANCIAL DISTRIBUTION. RIPLEYS BELIEVE IT OR NOT MAYBE?? DON'T SAY GO TO THE STATE BAR ASSOC OR THE ATTORNEY ETHICS COMMITTEE...WHAT AREA DO YOU THINK THE RETIRING APPELATE JUDGE CAME FROM? AND NOW YOU KNOW HOW ITS DONE IN S.C. MY PH # 864-247-9752--leave message and I'll call you back. P.S. I recently found out a similiar process happened to another party.
I just spoke to my sister who is by my dying fathers bed, we moved him to Hospice last week because he was so weak and could not take care of himself, we wanted him to be safe, I feel he thinks we betrayed him, I live 9 hours away and don't know quite what to do, He has put up a good fight, lung cancer diabetes and congestive heart failure , he has always been so strong, I have been there 2ce this summer, I could see what there horrible diseases have done to him. He was always up for a laugh and had a great outlook. I know also he is afraid, I don't know how to make it better, I have always been the fixer, I have a strong urge to get in the car and drive, just to see him one more time. I mom passed 15 years ago and that was so hard on our family, I know he has felt lost with out her. I hope their energies will be together some day soon and he can go peacefully. Thank you for sharing your stories.
My mom had cancer for 9 years before she died of it. At the end she was worried about money and how much she should save. We had never talked about her death but suddenly I asked if she would like me to go to the funeral home and ask for the price of cremation and burial (that would include moving her body to another state) She acted so relieved and said yes. I came back with the prices and then when I was at work she called them over and prepaid everything and told them exactly what she wanted and didn't want. I would have done more and she knew it. She ordered cremation and a nice memorial service. Then she had her housekeeper buy a red rose bush and told me it was to be kept in the pot until she died and she wanted to have her ashes buried in the garden under that bush. We did that, too. She told me to look at her little black notebook she had had with her for the whole 9 years. In it she wrote every single thing I needed to know, who to call, account numbers, how her two pensions worked etc. I loved that she did that, it made things so easy for me, her only child, at the end. Now I have cancer and I am writing in my own black book. I have three children, but even then I know how hard it is to lose your mom. When I opened that book I felt like my mother was still there helping me. I want my children to know that I am thinking of what they need, just as I did all my life. We all die. We can choose whether that is hard or easy for those who are left. I have a living will and will have a plan with my doctor when the time comes as called for in this state. Children should not have to decide how we take our last breath. For me, as for my mother, hospice, peaceful conversations with those I love and a visit or two with the great grands who are in the same state. I want palliative care and to be comfortable and not alone as I pass. And then cremation and I want my ashes scattered in a grove of Aspens atop some mountain I have loved. And when the breeze blows, it might be me, caressing the faces of those I love. At least, I hope they will believe that. We all die by love is eternal.
July 20th, her birthday. Just 2 days away. It has now been 10 months since she passed. Life is funny the way it plays out. We know We Have No Real Control of so many rhings in life, Yet we live as if it is US that has written the master plan. The unthinkable does happen, The no not me, One day will be you. One day life is great, next BOOM hit by atom bomb. I soon found all of this out October 2010. My mother was 56 @ the time, had diabetes (controlled) and nerorouphy pain from being a diabetic. But mainly healthy, EXCEPT ONE BIG CONCERN. My mother had went through menopuase early, ending it when she was 51. At that time, she decided she did not need yearly gynecology exams, and that she would just have her family doctor perform pap and other yearly test she would need. She had a mammogram when she turned 40, and every 2 years after that. Because she was a diabetic, she had bi-monthly visits with PC. 2007 my mother called and asked if it was possible that her monthly cycle could return? I did not think so, and asked why she was asking this question. She told me how every now and then she would have some blood in her panties. I told her to call the doctor and take his very next appointment. She called next day and told me the following Monday she was going in to see PC. So next week comes and I invite her to lunch, Its Wednesday and I have some errends to run in Hagerstown, I live PA. She agrees, so during lunch I asked what dr. said about the bleeding. "Oh its nothing she said ", Nothing? WHAT? She went on to tell me how the DR. said this is normal if you had just went through menopause, and for alot of women they can have spotting up to 2 years after. OK , I did not finsih medical school, So maybe all was OK. I mean looking at her, she appeared great. Lately she really was in a happy mood. Strange for my mom, LOL. Every now and then over the next 2.1/2 years she would comment that she was spotting. Everytime I heard that, The same reply sprung out of my mother. "Thats NOT Normal", I would always encourage her to talk with Dr, again. As 2010 kicked off, I noticed she was looking ill, her color seemed off to me. So I asked if she was still visting Dr. bi-monthly? Yes, she said. I would then ask , how are test results when you go? Good she would say, but she was concerned about 20lbs she had gained suddenly. She asked Dr, and he advised it could be her insulin. It had been changed about 4 months prior. 20lbs turned to 30 almost over night, and again she just looked ill to me. Her color I can not describe it, just not human. My step father and I spoke, I asked him to attend her next Dr. appointment with her. Just to observe, I was certain something was wrong, maybe she was hiding it. Knowing we would worry. He agrees, He then tell me "The Bleeding was a Big Concern" for him. Bleeding? He did not say spotting/ HE SAID BLEEDING. So I asked what he called bleeding? He said well he did not want to speak with me about his and mothers sex life, but when they made love there was large "puddle" of blood on bed once they turned the light on. WHAT? WHY WAS I NEVER TOLD THIS? This only reaffiirms my thinking, something is very wrong and she was keeoing this from her family. So next month arrives, my step father accompanies her to DR., almost immediately my step father said he speaks right up and tells the doctor how bad she is bleeding, also she has now gained almost 50lbs. This was depressing her. Doctor then tells them basically the same thing as before, some women spot for up to 2 years after menopause, as for the weight, he decides to try new insulin and prescribe her a diuretic. I do not believe his answers are right, all research I had done showed bleeding after menopause was BIG RED FLAG. I tell my mother this, I beg her to leave that dr. and get another opinion. She refuses, she loves this doctor, and besides she has all of female testing done on time. OK. Maybe, I agree we will take the wait and see approach. However I make her promise if symptoms do not subside or IF they get worst, we are going to another dr. She tells me I worry too much about her, but she does make that promise. I then ask when is the last time she had a PAP test, and did Dr. do cultures at that time? Ummm, 3 months ago she says, I asked did you get results. She said yes, that the next visit Dr. told her all test came back normal. So watch &wait. This is March 2010, I visit her @ least 2x week, and we talk daily.In April my husband and I called to invite her &stepfather to go out to dinner. They accept, and when my mother entered the restaurant she looked terrible. We were already them and had agreed to go get table see them there. But when she walked in, it seemed to take all she had. Her color, weird. dark circles under eyes. After we sit down at the table, I asked if she was feeling alright. She replied like always "yeah" why do you ask?Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I said no reason just worry about you."Well, you have no reason to" and she smiled @me. Weight continues, and she is actually holding some fluid in her legs and abdomen. Not excessive amount, but it noticeable. When I mentition this, she replied " Yeah I think its the NEW insulin" Again with this insulin answer, so I say maybe you should see another dr, if this one can not get your insulin right, lets find another.Again met with resistance, he had been her dr, for almost 18 years, and she was still alive she sanpped. I asked then about the "bleeding issue", reminding her promise she made. She then tells me , suddenly that had disappeared, reinforcing her trust and love for her DR. , "See he was right, 2 to 2 1/2 years and gone, she said. Summer is now upon us, and my mother loves the summer. Her flower garden, sitting on her back yard swing near her fish pond, and most of all being with the grand babies. She always loved to come swim in our pool with the kids, now every invite for her to visit, is met with " not this evening, I am tired", invites for dinner out, either tired or her back hurts. This is not like her. I am worried, so I tell my brothers, and step father. I am the oldest child. So We all gather our families together and have a bar-b-que at my house. Brothers and wives and their children, again mom invited, she has blinding headache. So I tell my brothers, at least it is a new excuse. However, we all agree she is NOT herself. But what can we really do? she is grown, not mentally or physically disabled, well at least not yet. I tell them I am going to speak with her, and just turn on the tears. Seems sneaky, but I am very worried. 1st week of July 2010, she is hospitalized, Dr. diagnosed congestion heart failure. When I arrive at the hospital, I asked what had happened. Stepfather said she was just sitting there and started having trouble breathing, so he goes to call ambulance. She Screams "NO" just drive me to Dr Datta, he reminds her you need an appiontment, no just take me there its only 3 blocks. He will see me she insist. Well he did see her, after examining her, he diagnosed Congestive Heart Failure, tell my stepfather drive her to hospital, he is calling with orders to admit her, and he will join them after he has seen last patient for the day. So off to hospital they go, this is when they called me. I arrive and they are just finishing up paperwork, She is a wheel chair, and honestly looks like death. her color is now gray, her abdomen appears as if she is 6 months pregnant. Now I just saw her 4 days before that, and she was not in this shape. So after 5 day stay she is sent home, different test ran during stay. diuretic now 2x daily, and she needs to see cardiologist. So following week cardio appt is here, imagine my surprise when he tell us her heart is fine. Lungs Clear, not sure why other dr. diagnosed congestive heart. She can no longer care for herself during the day, so I agree to come in. Thats fine she says, but dr. has ordered home health care nurse to make 2x weekly visits. Good maybe another opinion I think. So I make certain to be there when she arrives. I tell her that I am not comfortable with diagnosis from dr, and I asked what Dr, she would recommend if we want 2nd opinion. Well she grew horns and spat fire. Telling me she was not here to " bad mouth any doctor" and that doctors do there best , its patients that dont give all symptoms. WOW, was not bad mouthing, but light went on. Maybe mom is not telling all. Home Health order is for 6 weeks, she had 1 dr. office visit, and it was not told to me until after the fact. So next office visit will be in October, NOT MISSING THIS ONE I SAY. So appointment day arrives, and in between this time I had been with her almost every day. I see all now. The "bleeding" well it is more like "hemoraghe". To the point "depends" are being worn. Now I called his office 2x to tell them, no real concern from them, She has appointment coming, make sure and tell the doctor again. OH DONT WORRY I WILL. So we go back, no mention of her geting undressed, So I ask nurse, how is he going to exam areas with clothes on. Blank Stare, I then tell her, look my mother is having vaginal bleeding, and I bled less during delivery of my children. SHE NEEDS FULL EXAM. So nurse goes out, and brings back gown, "get undressed , dr. will be in soon. Finally he comes in, says " I see your daughter is very concerned about this spotting" , and shakes his head in disbelief, as if I should not be. He asks my mom if its ok if I stay in room during exam. she says "sure" we are both girls. I go up beside her and hold her hand, I just know something bad is about to be said. Wrong. he does exam vaginally, then stands and push around on her abdomen, Now when He does, I feel my mom tense up, Like it was painful. So get dressed , see you over office. I asked her. "mom did that hurt" , I felt you tense up and actually squeeze my hand. " Yeah , belly is tender she says" So down the hall to his office we go, I have a sinking feeling, I imagine this how one would feel being to execution. We enter sit down, He looks at me and says " Your mother is a Big girl" and chuckles. She knows if she is sick, or having health concerns. DONT WORRY SO MUCH. Really? Ok ? He proceeds to tell us , the bleeding is coming from the fluid she was holding, all that extra weight has broken capplieries and blood must come out somewhere. She will not bleed to death with this, Have you always been such a worrier , he ask me. THIS IS IT> ENOUGH. THIS GUY IS QUACK. I STAND UP, GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND, DEMAND THEY PREPARE MY MOTHERS MEDICAL RECORDS AND I TELL HER, LETS GO. I SAID MOM, REALLY YOU DO NOT BELIEVE THIS BULLCRAP DO YOU? Now even she thinks he is wrong. So when we get the parking lot, I call my gynecologist, (was my mothers also) before "menopause" and she stopped seeing him. I explain full story, and then I ask When can you see her? Within 3 days we were in his office, and within 4 she was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer. Tumor had actually grew out of uterus and was protruding into abdominally cavitity. Oncology Gynecologist , Oncologist for Chemo/ Oncologist for radiation. John Marsh cancer center. All of this within a 8 day span. So meet with Oncology Gynecologist/ inoperable / yep...inoperable. We have developed a treatment plan, 6 weeks radiation DAILY 5x week. Chemo 2 week. UMMM Can I catch my breath? Cant breath over here!!!! This was October 8th, 2010. That is the REAL DAY MY MOTHER DIED. She stopped living, period. Like the pop song says, " to live does not mean your alive", this was the case. So 2nd week of November we embarked on that journery, walking through it some days on auto pilot. I took her to every appointment , but 2 out of 6 weeks. You pray, You cry, You ask Why? You are angry, feel betrayed by family dr. , If only he had sent her for more testing, If Only I had went Crazy on him earlier?, What sin did we commit? She was hospitalized hal way though treatments. Body was shutting down from no vitamins, lack of potassium, and eltrolytes. 3 days, So Treatment held off 1 week, trying to build her back up. i would sit @her feet when she received chemo, hold the vomit pan, and wipe her face. Burn marks on back from radiation. Special soaps, lotions bought, skin is paper thin and splitting. Some wounds get small infections. But she was determined to complete treatment plan. With God's grace she finishes them. 3 days before Christmas, That day she was handed a folder of information to take home and read. It contained information for what was normal symptoms now, when to call doctor. meal ideas and list of lotions, soaps, shampoos that are approved for people after chemo/radiation. So we get to parking lot, I pull van to door its freezing and snow is blowing in the air. I get her from wheelchair to inside the van, and I lay the folder on her lap. Driving along I see her glancing through folder, all the sudden she yells out" OH THANK YOU LORD, I KNEW YOU CURE ME" What? Cured? i had spoke with oncologist 2 weeks before when she did not want to go, because she was cold and it was cold out. He called back that morning, saying it was imperative not to miss, everyday missed allows tumor to keep growing, and at rate her was growing it had only shrank 3 cm in total circumfrence. So NOW CURE? Realizing I was shaking to bad to drive, I pull into empty parking lot. I said , why do you think you are cured, is there something that says this in there? "YES" LOOK SHE SAYS. IT WAS A VEHICLE MAGNET, CANCER PINK, THAT SAID I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR.Thats when I knew, all along she had wished, prayed, hoped to be cured. It Shattered me to see her believe this. I know this is nothing more than a generic magnet that had been stuffed into EACH AND EVERY PACKET. I gotta say it, I cant let her believe this for another second. It was TOO heartbreaking to watch. So I tell her. MOM I dont think that means you are cured, and before you get your hopes up, lets wait till we go back in 2 weeks. (she was scheduled back 2 weeks) they then give the prognosis , at that time she would learn if the treatments had been effective. But she refused to wait, she was certain and just kept praising the lord. Calling family and announcing " WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE". I can not take it. I am in such a state of shock, , It is just ripping my heart out. She then says , I want to go to your house and stay? Stay there? She wants to be close to me and my children, she wants to Christmas shop this evening. Ok whatever she wants, So WE DID SHOP. My kids and I and Stepfather go to the mall, each taking turns pushing her in the wheel Chair. She is laughing, teasing the kids. My little one rides on her lap, and she ask me to "pop a wheelie", wanting me to lean the wheel chair back. "Go FASTER", she says. My goodness My great grandmother walk faster than you, she says to me teasingly. Her hair was done, then she decided she could NOW have a manicure. (NO NAIL POLISH) during treatment. She got everything she asked for that evening, and for a few hours, I saw her , Her My MOM, the one that had been missing since October 8th. After hours at the mall, she announces she was getting hungry. Request Outback, so off we go. She ate every morsel, consuming a whole loaf of OUTBACK bread herself, then asking the waitress for one for the road. She tell the waitress, "you know what, I am a cancer survivor", I BEAT IT SHE YELLS. , There it was, now the kids heard this. Instantly they are crying so happy, and I , well I had decided, that while I never wanted her to have false hope, her believing this, BROUGHT MY OLD MOM BACK. I KNEW THIS WAS OUR LAST CHRISTMAS, AND I DECIDED WHATEVER MADE THIS A GOOD ONE FOR HER, WELL IT WAS OK WITH ME. LET HER HAVE THIS CHRISTMAS. SOON ENOUGH CANCER WOULD REAR ITS UGLY HEAD. So the holidays were absolutely fanstatic, . After Christmas day, my husband and I sat our children down, and cautioned them in believing grandma cured. We explained medicine is not 100% guarantee, them seemed to understand. New Year comes, and Jan. 8th is here, go back and get the news. We all file into conference center, doctors around table. My Mom blurts out, Please tell my family I am cured!!!. He looks at her like she had 6 heads, what makes you think that, he ask. Well she said, I feel better. He says, probably because body had break from treatment, while he was still looking down into her chart. "Yeah, BUT", In My information packet, You all gave me cancer survivor magnet. "Magnet", he ask, what "Magnet", I watch her face return, back to the mom after diagnosis day. I knew glimpse of "Ole MOM" was not here to stay. I speak up now and exsplain what she is talking about, I then go on to say, they really should be careful with what information and MAGNETS they hand out, and to WHOM they hand them. I said people are looking for any little sign they find that their whole is NOT over. And with Magnets LIKE THAT, IT GIVES FALSE HOPE. All the doctors apologize, promising to remove "magnets" from other folders. Then down to business, treatments had NOT proved effective, and since it was already deemed this is inoperable, They have 1 more thing they try. Brachy Therpay. Large steel rod would be inserted in the vagina, wires would be attached to one end, other in plug into laptop, with Main Wire attached to radiation Machine. She would stay like this for 12 hours each session, flat on back 12 hours, and radiation would be pumped in. This could give her as high as 40% chance of survival. She ask when she must give her answer, they say well.... two, three, days. No Longer. She says OK, and says she is ready to leave. She never spoke going home, matter of fact once we got her inside house, she wanted put into bed. She went straight to sleep, actually sleeping until 2pm the next afternoon. ( I think she took that time to accept where she was) . Then next day she calls for family meeting, so we all gather. She tells us how much she loves us, how proud she is of us, then ask WHAT WE WANT HER TO DO? Everyone looks around the room at the other, how do say suffer for us? How do say I can accept this fate, because I dont want you to suffer? The room is so silent it hurts.Realizing NO ONE ELSE was speaking up, I do, and I tell her mom I love you (we) Love you, and we want WHATEVER YOU DECIDED IS BEST FOR YOU!!!!! This is journey, NOT SURE WHY, but it is, You and ONLY YOU can decide whats best. Instantly she starts crying, almost as if I just pulled 500 lbs of steel off her chest . Again she tells us,"you know I love you all" BUT, I can not do anymore. I done, I just want to rest. I ask if she realizes the consequence of that? She says Yes I do. There it was, no longer hidden, It had come out full force. My MOTHER WAS TERMINAL AND DYING. IN between that evening and Sept.2, 2011 8:56PM, we did what people do I guess, But each Holiday taunting us knowing it was last MOTHERS DAY, EASTER, MEMORIAL DAY, JULY 4TH. You try and prepare, hospice arrives, and now it is even more real. Hospice by the way are angels!!! By Feb. I am with her all day, step father continues to work.. My brothers live a few doors up, So almost everyday she saw all her children and grand children. My 21 years old daughter is pregnant, wondering will she get to be great grandma before that day.? When we were kids, my mother left our father (evil) man. Well after moving us back to MD, her family from there. She started drinking, staying out all night, leaving me to care for brothers. this created alot of resentment. I held onto for years, I went to work @ 15 so they could have "name brand" sneakers. Lets just say wonderful grandmother, NOT SO WONDERFUL MOTHER. One day while I was sitting with her, she said "Miss" Can I talk to you? I reply of course mom, whats up? Her eyes already filling up with tears, " I AM SORRY ,SHE SAID" Sorry? Sorry for what I ask.? , She said, I was not always the mothhhhh, AND I STOPPED HER. I SAID LOOK MOM, YOU OWE ME NO APOLOGY. YOU DID THE VERY BEST YOU COULD, WITH WHAT YOU HAD. SHE LOOKS SHOCKED, I COULD SEE SHE HAD PREPARED THIS WHOLE SPEECH IN HER HEAD, AND I WOULD NOT EVEN ALLOW HER TO SAY IT. MOM YOUR ARE MY FRIEND, MY MENTOR, MY PARENT. YOU OWE ME NOTHING, IT IS I, THAT OWES YOU. I go on to tell her, "yeah" sometimes i was angry with her, always thinking she took the easy way out by drinking and staying out all night. Many times thinking, "if only she was like so and so's mom" . But after I grew up and became a parent my self, I see this is hard. I see my own children take advantage of me, I hear them say " I hate you" when they are not given their way. I now know the struggle of motherhood. Its HARD. Also very rewarding. She owed me nothing, I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE HER. The remainder of her day were mostly uneventful, always knowing though, it was still , DEATH , Just waiting to swoop in and take her. In August one day, she woke from a nap and said can you call the preacher? Sure, He came, she felt she needs to get somethings square with god before she got there. She was recommitted that evening to Jesus Christ. This seemed to provide peace for her. She stayed coherent up until 2 weeks before, the afternoon that she slipped into coma LIKE state , she had looked over at me sitting in her chair next to the hospital bed. She winked, and she Said I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL, HUGE SMILE. I got up hugged, kissed and told her how much I loved her too. She never spoke after that afternoon. The last week, was the worst. She could not speak, she could drink, not move at all. She had an attack of anxiety about 7 days before she died, we started to anti-anxiety meds. This helped, Family starting coming more, saying goodbyes, everyday very emotional. So I traded spots with my aunt/ I did night shift/ she did day. I loved the night/ just her and I , it was peaceful. I kept TV on in room sound very low, using as nightlight so I could give meds during the night. The moaning was most disturbing for me, I usually stayed awake all night, however If did doze off I would be awakened to those horrific moans, and my heart would break. Sometimes, I would read. Sometimes talk to her like we always had. Sometimes, Just sit and stare in disbelief. Night Of Sept. 1st had been really hard, had to call nurse to get dose increased/ now morphine every hour on the hour. I could not do anymore for her, and it ripped my heart out. So morning of Sept.2nd, about 6am, before my aunt arrived to relieve me. I sat beside her, rubbing her head and poured my heart out, NEVER crying I am proud of myself, did not want to upset her hearing last sense to leave. I assured her, that we would be ok. We would miss her VERY MUCH. But if she was really tired, it was OK to let go. I went to kiss her cheek, and when I did her face was wet. I felt her eyes, She had tears coming down her face. SHE HAD HEARD ME. I returned to her house that evening around 7pm, earlier than usual, not sure if it was instinct. Her Breathing become a little labored for a few minutes, then back to normal. About 20 minutes later, she seemed to have a seizure. Body Jerked, arms, legs. Then normal again. , I moved to the chair right beside the bed, And as I sat there talking with my family. I felt her LET GO. It was like seeing a light bulb blow right before you, I could actually feel that my mother had left. Now I sat holding a human hand, and nothing more. I turned to see her chest, no movement. Her eyes were fixed open. I said softly out load, She is GONE. Everyone then became excited, anxious, crying. I actually felt this amazing, serenity and peace. She fought a good fight. Then again she always had, she fought me and my brothers with my father , taking his beatings so we didnt have to. She struggled all her life. Yet was always content with what she had. As a matter of fact she never complained, during the entire journey. Where I had once considered her weak for the drinking, and selfish for leaving to me care for my brothers. I now saw, just how selfless she was, Her courage and strength astonished me. . Hospice nurse came. I bathed her, put fresh clothes on, and waiting for the funeral home to arrive. My mother had handed my an envelope a few weeks before, with instruction it was to go with her to the funeral home. So when we met with director that week, she said ask for my daughter when it happens, she has an envelope I want you take with me. It contained all of her favorite pieces of jewelry. So when they arrived that night to take her, the undertaker came in announced out, Who's the daughter? I stepped forward and announced I AM, I am , I am my mothers daughter.
I sit here now with my mother who is currently dying, her kidneys are shutting down,her pulse ox is 72, her blood pressure is low, her hands and feet are now cold her breathing is labored-but I am at peace. I have been blessed to be with both of my parents at he time of their death. I gives me comfort to know they loved me enough to bring me into this world and I got to spend their last moment with both of them. I had wonderful loving parents and to know I could give them loving comfort in the end as they had given me from the beginning was the most beautiful thing. I sit here now even at this difficult time and I don't have a heavy heart I have a joyful heart that I got to spend down to the last minute with two such loving and devoted parents. I know there will be tears soon as that is a part of the loss but my mom will be with my dad and I will again join them some day. I love them both for all eternity and the end of this life is only the beginning of something so precious . May you all find your inner peace and love and give with a joyful heart for this is the way to be truly happy.
@OSI: Write letters to your children. Tell them all the things you know they should want to hear, but are too young to ask and to hear. Tell them about your self, and tell each of them about your recollection of them when they were little. Write each of them at least one personal letter. Seal it in an envelope and give it to your husband, or another trusted person to give them years from now. Don't be angry. They cannot accept your passing so they deal with it through denial. Some day they will be so proud of you for doing this, and let each of them know that you love them, and know that they love you.
Both of my parents died in their homes with hospice: They were divorced and both remarried. My mother, who I was so close to, could not really accept that she was dying, so we couldn't have the kind of conversations that I wanted to have. She lived for 3 months after being diagnosed with lung cancer. While her passing was very peaceful (my quite dysfunctional family apparently does do death well), she never had the desire to share the stories from her youth that I so longed to hear, and share with my children. My father died of prostate cancer several years later. He and I were never close. I went to visit him when he was quite ill, and quickly realized that I needed to stay to see him through to the end. His wife was in denial about his dying, and he needed me to be there to be honest with him. He had always been a strong person, and being weak was so hard for him. At one point he said to me, "You were there with your mother; will it be much longer?" I knew he was ready to go and I told him that it would be soon. That made his wife so angry at me, but gave him great peace. I consider myself to be so lucky to have been able to be there with both of them. While more could have been said, we said everything we had to, and I have no regrets.
I also wish I had read this before my Daddy died July 31, 2011 of End Stage COPD and possible cancer. I miss him and feel so guilty because I left the room for about 15 minutes and when I went back in he was in the process of dying and it was terrible, he was gasping for breath and yet he was semi-comatose, I called 911, suctioned him, gave him a breathing treatment and did everything I could do to save him, I even had the paramedics do CPR. He was on Hospice care and had been living with me for almost a year since he left the hospital and they said he would not get better. I knew all of this I knew his wishes and he had a living will and had made it clear that he did not want any extraordinary measures. I had been so strong through the entire process. But in the end I failed him. I just didn't think he was ready to die and feel like if I had not left the room he would have lived. I have one sister who did not want any part of his dying process and only saw him four times in the year he was ill. My step-sister lived 4 hours away and she helped when she could but I was basically alone with him during that year, except for my husband and his family, they were all great. My Father was different, in that he didn't discuss family much or introduce me to his family, while I was young, but I got to know him more in the year we had together with him ill than in my entire life. I would not change that for anything and I would not wish him back for anything either, he suffered so with COPD and if a smoker could have spent one night in my home when he was here they would stop smoking. It was a horrible death, A good day for him was being able to walk to the bathroom by himself. My husband could not stand it when he was coughing and would go check on him. But I had been with him coughing most of my life, so when he wasn't coughing I was afraid and would have to go check on him. We had an intercom in our rooms, and I would listen to him pray every night and that was comforting. It seems he would pray himself to sleep with the Rosary or some other prayer. He was alert and doing crossword puzzles up until 4 days before he died. He started getting weak and I started sleeping in his recliner to be close to him in case he had to get up in the night. but I think that is why I didn't think he was ready to go. But in life as in death nothing happens in our time, but in Gods. And I am grateful for the time I had with him. Since his death I have started doing genealogy and ancestry to learn more about his family and that helps but I just can't get over the guilt, I'm sure with time I will. Thank you all for listening to my ranting. Maybe writing will make me feel better also.
Aside from my father and grandmother, most of the deaths I dealt with were a result of war. I did not have the chance to comfort them emotionally I could only treat their injuries there were just too many. Most wanted their mothers, I was their Doc and on one occasion I held the hand of a friend as he fought for life. He said nothing and I said nothing we both looked into each other’s eyes, slowly and gently his features and eyes relaxed and he quit breathing, sometimes I think just being there for them gives them a powerful comfort.
My dad passed away after a long drawn out respiratory/heart battle. A Strong man reduced to a baby from pain and panic attacks because he could not get enough air and felt like he was drowning. My sister was more there for him throughout it all. I worked to escape it all. But his final week, days, hours and minutes I was with him in Pallative care. He slept most of the time, breathing was about all he had the strength to do. The last two days he was drugged up to prevent the panic attacks. I did not get to say goodbye or ask if he was proud of me or tell him I loved him. I know he knew... and deep inside I know he is proud of me. The last few moments of his life, he came out of the medication and reached for me and pulled himself into a seated position. His eyes focused on each individual in the room. Clawing away his oxygen mask he mumbled "pulling... ", about four times. I laid him back in bed and told him the nurses were coming. His breathing changed... no longer gasps... but several deep cleansing breaths... his eyes closed a little... and that spark... whatever was dad.. was gone... i always wondered if there was a soul...the man before me was my dad... but it was like looking at a stranger... it was not him. Sometimes we get too caught up in life.... and don't make the time to say or do the truly important things. "i love you, dad"
My PRECIOUS MOTHER passed away in 1999! Everyone got really mad at me before she died because I could not tell her it was okay for her to go home! I just could not do it because to me it was not okay to lose her! She had Lung cancer, Liver cancer, & brain cancer! She knew all of us until the very end! She was my mom but she was also my best friend! I miss her very much!
when my father was dying, after a long fight with cancer, he was bed-ridden and terribly weak. 'we took turns sitting with him in his room. On the day before he died, too my shock, and somewhat horror, he managed to walk down the hall to the living room with papers in his hand. He sat and read to me, every poem and story I had ever written. I didn't know he saved them. It seemed so very important to him to share them with me. I was deeply touched by his gesture considering the pain he must have been in. He had been the one to give me a love of poety and the written word. I blew the moment off in my embarrassment. Pretended it didn't matter. Too embarassed to act appropriately to a very important moment in our lives. such regret I feel for that.
OSI---Lifting up prayers for you and your four sons. Your boys could possibly be in denial but are more likely entering into their grief. It is my experience from the recent loss of my mom from cancer that I began grieving with the diagnosis that her cancer was terminal. Grief is individual for everyone. In working with a Grief care ministry at my church and specifically with kids and teenagers i discovered that they handle grief in doses. That could mean a cup for the day or for the younger ones it could be a thimble full and can change from day to day. One could be overewhelemed with emotion one minute and playing ball the next with the same child unable to get out of bed the following day. Siblings often try to shield one another and their parents out of loving protection showing little emotion. We teach that they should not feel guilty for having a good or a bad day because they often take on the responsibility of trying to care for or safegaurd others. Your boys are struggling to maintain normal living. Don't needlessly convince yourself that they are unloving or uncaring. I am sure that their feelings run wide and deep with a mixture of deep sadness and fear as evident in your son's facebook post You are on the right track. I am so encouraged that you are seeking therapy for your sons but also seek support groups and therapy for yourself. No one needs to journey alone and often its too difficult to only depend on your loved ones because of the level of sadness. However, therapy and support groups can help open the communication between you and your boys by helping you each understand one another and allow for the differences in the grief. Praying for the peace, love, and comfort you need..... Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
After finding myself not being able to stop... reading and reading and reading all of these comments and feeling the struggles and challenges from all of these perspectives on death, spirituality and really–the human condition. I have to say that I am profoundly touched by the gift of all this sharing. I literally stumbled upon this article because I had a thought, a concept, that maybe people would like to have their story actually written for them... to share it with a gentle professional writer that could capture for them the snapshot of their life, as a gift to generations of their family. I own a website that allows people to write end-of-life messages to their loved ones, along with video and pictures and audio if one prefers... then have these messages delivered shortly after they pass away. But I was thinking that it is difficult to be a writer. Not all of us have it in us... I wonder if providing this additional service to the members would be something that would interest the users...? Thank you all for sharing so deeply about your experiences and lives. I lost my own father when I was only 21, and my company may have reasons for existing due to the relationship he and I shared. My friend, my pen pal, my dad. He passed away when we were sent home by the hospital, much the same way as the article was sharing here. It was on Thanksgiving day and I know I still feel guilt and regret from never really dealing with leaving him alone. If I had it to do all over again... I would have hoped we had discussed earlier in our lives, his final wishes. Like no morphine drip, breathing tubes that restricted any verbal communication... And no tying his hands down so that he would not keep pulling the tubes out. I am not really seeing my keyboard well from the tears in my eyes...death is real...it should be respected for, and by, all of us. Thank you for sharing your article with the world. I will add that sharing our stories can bring many great results to so many of us. Respect, confidence, a sense of belonging that can change lives. I have never shared (like another commenter wrote) my story about my parent. Thank you all for sharing yours and helping me get that out a little... Thinking of you all with thanks. ~ jeff
As I read these stories, I remember seeing my great-grandmother dying of cancer, almost comatose except for one weekend when she asked for me and my two sisters to come and visit in a small hospital room away from the main hospital. I was 5 years old and my sisters were 4 and 3. She was awake and lucid and talked about how she enjoyed my visits to her house when everyone else was asleep. She gave me hot chocolate and cookies when I would visit at 4:00 a.m. and then watch me walk home to get back in bed before everyone would wake up. Everyone else had sad memories but I remember what she said and it was this..."you will grow up to be a good man and you will remember what I tell you. Take care of your parents and your sisters and never be sad or regret that you have to leave home to follow your dreams. Remember, I will always be able to see you... I am dream and prayer away." She died that night after suffering of cancer over two months. And she was right. My prayers are with all of you who are facing the challenge of how to tell your children you are going home. Be honest and love them...the memories you make they will keep forever.
I was fortunate enough to have learned about death and the dying process from spending time with my mom who often attended to a relative or close friend as they were dying; she had worked as a hospice caregiver when i was little and so she saw plenty. I spent 21 years taking care of and spending time with my mother after my dad died and to be honest, i was the strongest of my siblings and i actually approached my mom about her wishes and we planned her end of life care together. She had Cancer when I was little but lived to tell the tale and as she got older, she had several medical scares and numerous surgeries but always, I was there and knew what she wanted. We talked on occasion and she told me to watch her for signs of pain and agitation if she were unconscious as she would do her best to give me some indication she was in pain. The Cancer returned with a vengeance 40 some years later and we were caught off guard as her Dr. thought it was just a chest cold. My mom was incredible and lasted for 11 months, fighting the cancer until the very end. As she lay dying the last week of her life, she slipped into a deep sleep but every hour, her left arm and leg would draw up and she would moan and I would call the Dr. and Nurse to increase the dosages of pain medication. The night before she passed away, we finally got to a point in her medication that she never moved or groaned or mumbled and I assume her pain level was therefore as comfortable as we could make it for her. i was prepared for my mother to die; her body was diseased and broken and it was her time to fly free. I sent everyone else home and told them i would call and then i cleaned up her room, turned off the oxygen as the Dr. stated she no longer needed it and i spoke to her. i gently held her hand, moistened her lips, rubbed a little lotion into her hands and I made sure she had a clean gown on and that she was comfortable. I will never forget the moments early in the morning when she grabbed my hands......staring into her incredibly beautiful blue eyes, I told her it wasn't goodbye but that it was okay for her to go, that i loved her. As the light faded, I thanked her for being my mother and my friend.
My older son just couldn't give a sh*t.
@OSI Your children are grieving at the thought of losing you. They are actually having to face every child's nightmare when they are emotionally immature.I know you are afraid and maybe even angry...they are too. Talk about that to each other. As adults, we often don't handle our grief well. You might expect theirs to look even more "odd." Your children will revisit this time for many years to come. Be firm about chores as they are part of life whether we are having emotional difficulty or not. Play their video games or talk about their interest, talk from your heart to them and tell them baby stories, and let them know that you believe in them and the people you trust to help them. They probably cannot help you a lot with your process. You need adults to do that. I Googled "help my teens grieve my death" and there is a video on teen grief and maybe some help to get you started. By all means, get help from family, friends, support groups,and/or a therapist. Be the best damn dying parent you can be!
Thank you for the article Dr. Kuhl and thank you LeeLee for the story about your mother. I was at my father's side for the last 4 days of his life and he sat up straight in the bed and said, "I don't know what to do?" And I said, "Daddy, it's okay, we are here, you can go now." And he died in my arms. I cried reading your story. I have not ever shared about my story on-line but it does help to get it out, even a little bit.
To all of you on this forum, I send you my love and prayers. I know I can't help but the tears that are streaming down my face, I hope and pray that it shows all of you how much my heart goes out to all of you. I want you to know I am crying a river of tears for everyone on this forum and your loved ones. My Mom was dying and she wanted to die in her own house. She was a nurse and made me promise that she would be home when she passed. I remember sitting on her bed and I saw her life pass in front of me. I know that sounds crazy. It was like watching a movie. Then I realized that I was the one who had to tell her that if she wanted to go home she could. I was an only child and I had a son. So I said to my Mom, "Mom do you want to go home and she nodded her precious head which was saying yes. Then I said "If you want to go home Mom your grandson and I would be okay. She nodded her head and gave me such a beautiful smile. Then a couple days later she went home. The one thing she kept saying was "Who is that man sitting on my file cabinet". The file cabinet was in her bedroom. I could not see this man but she did. Now I know it was an "Angel" on her file cabinet waiting to take her home. I hope this helps all of you in some way. From my heart to yours, I am sending all of you and your love ones a sweet and precious hug. Love Always! LeeLee
Please take you ego out of your loved one's process. As a Hospice worker, I have witnessed many deaths and none of them were unattended. The departing souls would watch for, or actually speak to "someone" in the room, not seen by us. In the end, letting go of this life is like taking off a too-tight shoe. Please don't allow the person you love to waste time on regrets - theirs or yours. In the end, it matters only what you have given to the world and the love you were able to share. Religion, sexual preference(s), income levels, nothing matters to the dying. Their eyes are already focused on going home and continuing to experience love. Be their living legacies and honor them by loving them back all the days of YOUR life.
Being a newly diagnosed dying parent of 4 sons, aged 16, 14, 11, and 9, I have been reading these comments looking for some peace. I have a tough battle ahead of me. The docs don't know how much time I have. I have agreed to live my life, what is left with the time that I do have, with my kids as much as I can. I have prepared them, again, as much as I can. Trying to make arrangements for them has been hard on me. They just don't want to spend a lot of time with me right now. My 16 year old posted on facebook that he isn't ready to take care of his brothers, and that he doesn't want to grow up. The boys don't really want to talk about what is going to happen. Therapy is a good idea, and I will start them soon, but how do you break through to them and explain that I need help to do this? They choose not to spend time with me, when this is all they are going to get.... they choose to play around with their friends, instead of helping each other, or cleaning? Yet, they are quick to blame me for their choices.... I have placed everything pretty much, in God's hands.... may they all find peace....
My son was born with sickle cell anemia. He lived a beautiful life, though riddled with pain and numerous hospitalizations. He died at the young age of 22, a senior in college, and in retrospect,ready and comfortable with leaving this life. He laughed often, excelled in all he attempted and resisted bitterness. I saw him tiring of fighting the ravages of his disease, but I could or would not accept it. I responded with more specialists, more treatments..more, more, more. He died in an ICU of a large medical center. Shortly before his passing he said to us, his parents, "Dad I love you," and "Momma, thank you for being so good to me...and he closed his eyes. He remained on a respirator overnight , but never showed any oher signs of being present. What would I have done differently?.....I THINK I woud have honored his wishes to cease with the ongoing search for someone, something to ease his physical suffering and catapult him into a healthy existence, void of the physical pain, the hospitalizations, and the uncertainty that plagued the last year of is life. I wish that we had just taken the time to be a family..maybe to travel , or to just sit and talk. I dont know....I wished I had let him tell me what he wanted...and stopped the maddening and exhausting efforts to prolong the life of a beautiful, mature young man who realized and accepted that it was his time to go and was hanging on waiting for his "momma" to accept it and Be at Peace! I learned a lot from my precious son and I thank God for Him... Blessed Be the Name of the Lord.!!!!!!
Such sad stories, but I guess we all have our own stuggles, loss and turmoil in this lifetime. I am my mom's caretaker at the moment, as she is 73 years old, and has almost died more than once. She will not tell me or write her last wishes and I have been discussing the matter with her since she had an anryesm surgery last year. My mom is so depressed, scared and nervous; But always has been. And I am becoming more depressed. My family is falling apart, I lost my job of which I could not keep anyway, and this has put much stress on my daughter and husband. But I have to keep it together. My stress level is making my medical problems worse, and have to hear about how miserable she is everyday. I try to point out blessings; Even a new, bright sunshiny day, food to eat and a means to get where we need to go. I will pray for those who have sick, dying loved ones and just know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. Change is inevitable but temporary anyway. With love, leslie B.
PEACE & strength I hope to send you.
After taking care of my mom for nine years it is hard seeing her in this stage of dying. has been like this for two months already. we are on hospice and they say just let it take its course. hard seeing her talking to people that are not here and wanting her youngest daughter delia; and that is me she is talking about I think i am ready but when time comes it will surely change. she comes and goes out of these stages so dont knowwhat is going on. please someone let me know if it is normal
My father in law just died a little over an hour ago.. He had alz and metastatic melanoma that metasized into his brain, lungs and lymph glands. This was a very strong man, worked very hard all his life and was an excellent provider to his family. He wasn't rich but if his children or grand children asked him for a couple of dollars, he would hand over his wallat and say, 'take whatever you need.> He worked long hard hours but not for personal gain, he did it in order to provide for his loved ones. He was most certainly not a quitter by anyones imagination. Tonight I had been reading in a pamphlet that hospice provided. The pamphlet discribed what kinds of things to expect during the months, weeks, days and hours before death. Tonight I had left my reading glasses in his bedroom ( he was bed bound already), and I needed my glasses in order to read some more of the hospice literature. Coincidentally enough when I went in his room for my glasses, I started seeing the signs I'd just read about...the signs that death was approaching in a matter of minutes. His breathing was shallow but rapid, parts of his body had taken on a mottled appearance, his feet was turning a purple-ish black color, and his eyes (which I had been staying closed) were opening. I had just moments before read that these were signs that death was only moments away. So for some reason, I was afraid to leave him, and yet afraid to stay, afraid to leave, afraid to stay. Finally, a family friend (who is a doctor of pharmacology) suggested that since my father in law had lived as a proud and strong man; he may have been waiting to be alone for his last breath because of the possibility that he may not have wanted us to witness it. So everyone left the room for about 10 minutes and sure enough when my husband ventured back to his dad's bedroom,he had expired. This was a rather new concept to me, as you always hear that most people don't want to die alone, but apparently the personality of the person must be taken into consideration as well. Someone whose personality has a dignified and protective basis toward his love ones, may very well may not want them there to see him/her take the last breath, and was something I had never considered. I also thought that many people may not consider this and I wanted to take this time to pass this bit of information along for other's in similar situations to give thought to the personality of the dying person and their wishes may be to take the last breath alone with dignity and peace, of course he had known that we had all been gathered around him for the passed week, taking care of him, visiting him, talking to him, loving him. But once the signs of immenant death approaches give thought to the person who is passing, and realize that some people certainly may not want to die all alone, but some very well may wait until they "are" alone to feel comfortable enough to breath their last. It was certainly something I would NEVER had considered unless the family friend came and suggested that it might be the case with our loved one, having said these things please know that some people who are in the process of dying very well may be afraid to pass while alone, but it is certainly worth considering that other's may rather be alone for that last moment., I know I rambled trying to get this point across with as much understanding as I possibly could considering that I am currently in a grieving state at this very moment; and I hope that I have conveyed my meaning with empathy and compassion. It was something that I certainly learned this very night, and something I had never heard expressed as a possibility until tonight. For my father in law, it turns out it seemed to be true, that he waited until we were all out of the room before he would allow himself to "let go". Thanks for listening.
Experiencing the death of many loved ones has really impressed upon me the importance of taking photos/videos. It's really all you have left of the person in the end.
My father's health is failing rapidly and I want his stories survive. My Dad taped conversations he had with his father and i think they were a comfort to him. I wonder if and when I should propose this "tradition" to him. He is in a great deal of discomfort and I feel that it may be to much to ask of him.
In her last months, Mom had a tough time forgiving herself for words and actions over the years, many years. At first I just listened, then I realized all Mom needed to hear was "Mom, you did the best you could at the time. If God can forgive you, certainly you can forgive yourself." Big attitude change, from work being a hardship to work being a place where she met her best friend; from Mom's siblings being selfish and vengeful to them living their own lives as they wished. Mom's misdeeds became laughable and teachable, to both of us. I miss my Mama.
My husband's doctor did not tell us that he was dying. It wasn't until they wanted to move him to ICU that a nurse spoke up and remarked that he probably wouldnt make the move. That's when I demanded that they acknowledge his wishes in his living will. They kept him in his room, removed all devices and we sat there and watched him for 2 hours as he died. It would have been so good to know he was terminal so that I could get 3 of his kids home from out of town. As it was I had only one child with me and the other 3 still feel guilty about not being there when their father died. I am now 89 and in relative good helth but I have informed my doctors that should I ever become terminal I want hospice. I do not want to die in one of my kids homes or a hospital. We keep talking and I hope they know everything there is to know about me. When my time comes, let my spirit go and be at peace
I wish I had read this before my father passed away, but am thankful I am reading it now as my mother is still alive, and it will be good for me to use now.
Yes, talk with them and get to know about your dying parent. My father is 92 and has prostate cancer and Alzheimer's. I am always asking him about his child hood and how it was in the old days and he has such interesting stories. I really enjoy hearing them over and over. Ask about funny things that happened in their life. My father always says "if I had my life to live over I wouldn't change a thing." And he grew up very poor but yet had such fun times and a very hard worker. When he passes I will have many good memories and stories to remember and stories about my grandparents and g. grandparents. So a genealogy. Many cam corder moves of him to watch and pictures to look at over and over. I had to be the one to push to get things together. Pick a plot and get his thoughts of what he wants done for funeral. We picked out the plot together and I cried as we did that. He explained he wanted a nice funeral. I am taking care of him and doing all for him. I can be at peace knowing I did all to help him before he passes and I hear his phone conversations telling all that I am good to him and do everything for him so I know he is ok with all. He asked and I explained his health problems. I told him I am doing everything I can and getting doctors to help in every way that I can. So he feels ok with all. He knows I am doing my best to help him. But some will not be this way as I also have a brother that is dying of cancer. He refuses to talk about it or face it. But I am there and take care of him also and trying to make a break through to get him talking. Just do your best , that's all you can do but think and do before they are gone so you also can be at peace knowing you did all you could to help. I feel and hope as my brother gets more to the end that he will open up. He holds all in, says nothing. I will wait till the time is right and tell him it will help him to let thoughts and feeling out before he goes.
Thank you for your information our uncle is dying from prostate cancer and i am caring for him at home. We are enjoying my time and could use any information to help our children through this last sage.
Hi, I am so tired. Tired if watching my Lover suffer from HIV since 1985. It is amazing how someone can survive with help from others. I should know. Anyway this is my point, I am looking for help here, My lover is Jeffrey Scott Sommerfeld Sr. He is 45 and lives here in MD. This hurts Jeff the most. I'd love to explain but no time, suffice to say, If this were a film, It would win best Picture.lol, unfortunately so. I am a lover of film and Jeff's story, would be a huge success. But as it stands now, all Jeff wants is either to see some of the World, he says there is so much to see here in America he doesn't, necessarily need to travel out of Country. We both want to see California for so, so many reasons, lol, everything from trying to possibly move there and Hollywood and all the other things in LA and San Fran, and Monteray, etc, etc, etc... . I take care of him when and if i need to (which is becoming more frequent but he is doing OK). I love him so, so much, we have been together since 1992, June 8th, 1992. The 1st night I met him, so, so handsome, and I was in a gay bar, (we don't go to bars anymore, lol, been 12 years or more)anyway, I was standing there and I see the phone booth, all I could see was the lower half of the guy, and boy, i thought, if he looks as good as the rest, than, I may ask for a number, etc. and he walked away from booth and I saw him full view, Wow I thought, better than I expected!lol,I sent my friend, Phyllis, down to ask if he'd like to meet me, well she came back and said he'd be right up. we met and since then, we have grown into a very loving couple. I would gladly trade places with him, I do not have HIV, and we have lived and shared everything together(safely) for 18 years. We both live on S.S.I. I cannot work due to my back, severe problems there, and I also have cancer.and other issues but still get around fine, etc...I wish for Jeff & I (since we cannot get married due to so many reasons, including going against God's will, and being in love with one man and being faithful, etc, I hope counts.. I mean if everyone in History, NEVER was Gay, the World would have already been over populated...) I wish we can see some things,here in America, any sites you can recommend we try, we can prove everything we are telling you (of course, but what kind of a person would lie about such things? people I would be terrified of, lol) And WHY is the West Coast so...laid back, no hassles from simple things, a liberal cool hippie., BUT the East Coast it's like a mean old un-understanding mean old Judgmental redneck. LOL,anyway, PLEASE look into our files, whatever you can do... I need and am reaching out here and I am so tired of reaching....Jeff needs this bad I love him and his life was filled with abuse and being used due to his stepfather a Baltimore City police officer who abused his power during the 70's, he would sdrink on the job, and when he got home Jeffs Mom would scream and yell out in pain, Jeff said once he was 8 and was told in school that very day about 911 and if any bad things happen call right away, etc. So, A HUGE fight broke out between Step dad & his Mom, he saw his mother being drug done steps BY HER HAIR! and her eye was beaten so badly, it was almost inside her head... WELL when the cops showed up he cried and boo hewed and Jeff's Mom yelled at Jeff etc. And his Step dad treated him bad ever since... What is wrong with people?. I need a goal. I have none. I would gladly trade places with jeff meaning his sickness, and work? I would if I could BUT due to my Back, which is so bad..lol, constant nagging throbbing pain..like a toothache in my back, lol.. Anyway My adolescence being so messed up due to extream childhood trauma - abuse, physical, sexual and mental,( sorry don't mean to bring it up, yet it is always with me, and at one time, back when I 1st met Jeff, he was the 1st I told of about how mean my Pops was to me, and when i was 7 I was raped by a neighbor and NOTHING was done about it due to my MOMMY'S dumb church would have found out and Lord how mercy , how could we ever face anyone???? that was always her reason, and IF my Dad knew he would have shot Jr. Dillon.Oh, he was the 10th grader from down south, who had his way with me and afterward s as I was bleeding and crying he threatened my life, my cat & dog and my family, he kept at me for 3 years until my family moved us to N.C in 1976...) I digressed again but anger took over, sorry. I don't "get" people anyway. they are so cruel. Most are anyway, for some reason, I was raised by "hippie types, my folks were OLD when I was born anyway, In 1965 my Mom had me at 42 years of age, and in 4 months she turned 43. I was a quiet, good kid, not hyper, minded my Mom & Pop, because if I didn't, My Dad would beat me like you wished you were dead! The pain ands sores would last for a month sometimes...and I still have scars... He, as he aged, grew much more docile. Anyway, We are dying and are asking for any sites that can help us, i.e. DOES ANYONE CARE ANYWHERE AT ALL ABOUT US TWO HUMAN BEINGS WHO CARE ABOUT YOU, AND EVERYONE.WE ARE EMPATHETIC...HA! I AM EMPATHY... SO is Jeffrey... I give to my neighbors, etc, i give give and give and don't complain, BUT for some reason i woke up today and saw a commercial and it started me off. WHY is it everyone but us, even the evil users of others, etc, get everything they want. I would love to eat, and have a PC that I didn't have to pay 198.00 a month for 14 months due to a jerk I felt sorry for, stayed here and ordered credit cards in my name. AND I LEARN Damn it. I LEARNED THAT I CANNOT HELP BUT hand someone half of anything I have because I want to share and my stupid brain doesn't think greedy, sorry it just doesn't.We need to catch a break here, we do not rob, steal, lie, cheat, connive, etc, etc. BUT 3 years ago I was almost murdered in my home by a home invasion, one man and he was in a gang, called "The Crypts" very prevalent here in Edgewood MD. So are "The Bloods" But it was a Crypts member and the two detectives one named officer Workman or Goodman, anyway, they told me it was a gang initiation, I am gay(but not a flamer) and a lot of folks know I am gay. Anyway he was supposed to kill me, I was being strangled and my 26 year best friend Corey, (who just started dating a African American girl who used him, who had "The Crypts" tattooed on her hand)was here with her and they came into the room and Corey went to help me and she stpped him! She was watching me die with a look on her very, very pretty face that said, "wow this is neat, and I am supposed to watch... etc.."By the time Corey looked at her like, FU, I has struggled enough that I bit his fingertips and he let go, BIG MISTAKE, I flipped him over, took his gun away from him and hit him three or four times and he threw me off him and ran out my door... Leaving me to confront Dee, that was her name...She said she had no time to react, and was thinking of what to do. huh. really? Well the cops didn't believe you and neither did I. Corey chose you, and I lost a friend forever because in May Corey was killed due to a car accident. He wasn't a drinker, and he and her had a kid and I hadn't spoken to them since then anyway, 3 years, and his Mom told me they were arguing over me... that hurt me so deeply. But I suppose you can tell from this run on sentence i need help, I want to be clean, healthier environment for Jeff and me, and a life...lol, Any websites that you can recommend, I promise to keep it one paragraph.lol. BUT I need Lysol, Or store brand, of cleaner, and rubbing alchaol, and cleaning supplies, lol I'll do the work, but some comet one can, one can of lysol, etc, etc..,. is this possible? I know NO ONE will ever help us with a wish that would be for a new PC or a new life...lol, anyway, you'll find we don't ever ask for help your the 1st, we don't know where to go, no one seems to care, but I can do something, something out there for a person to help them, and maybe earn some cleaning stuff and make a wish for a new PC or a trip.... HA! in my dreams right?: thats where they will stay I suppose... people are broke these days and even if I promised or signed a promissory note it could only be for 50 a month, i only make 674 a month from s.s.I. I have rent, Gas & electric, telephone, cable and internet bill, and a couple others, I am in need of aid. Something, I cannot do what others can, I cannot go get jobs most people can, I am not educated because of school was torture for me, TORTURE. Ahh sorry I bothered you, I guess I'll send this, oh well... worse that'll happen is what is happening now...nada. Peace and love to you & yours...Randy & Jeff randypillion@comcast.net
Talking to a dying parents is never easy. One approach that works best is to begin dialogue from a proactive perspective -- maybe you could talk to your parent about pre-planning his or her end of life arrangements, suggesting that it is the responsible thing to do both for themselves and for the family. Have them think about what kind of service they'd prefer, or perhaps what kind of cemetery they want to be buried in. These topics get the conversation started, but in a delicate way.