During the ten years that Barbara McVicker was caring for her parents, working, and raising a family, she never took a day off. Impressive? McVicker -- who, with her daughter, Darby McVicker Puglielli, compiled caregivers' tales in Stuck in the Middle: Shared Stories and Tips for Caregiving Your Elderly Parents -- isn't bragging. She'd like nothing more than to see other caregivers learn from her mistake.
During much of that time, McVicker says, she was so busy cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and mowing her parents' lawn that she didn't really have time for them, much less for herself. In fact, she didn't even remember how to take time for herself.
"I remember driving away from their house one day, and I thought, 'You know, I deserve something special today,'" she says. "So I went through a list of things of things I could do. I could go shopping -- but I don't like shopping. That's not something I do even on good days. Then I thought, 'Well, I could get ice cream. No, I'll have to exercise three hours longer.' So you know what I did for myself? I stopped and got a decaffeinated coffee. That's how bad it was."
McVicker wishes she'd understood the importance of taking days of respite for mental as well as physical health. "I was there every day because I thought that's what a good daughter did. I never said, 'I'm not going to let caregiving encroach on my mind today. Today is my day to be with my nuclear family or my day of mental vacation. Today is my parent-free day.' I wish I'd felt I had the right to do that. Between having them in my mind 24-7 and being physically there on a day-to-day basis, I lost energy and zeal for life. When we look back on it, my kids say, 'Mom, you quit laughing.'"
Although she never got around to making time for herself, McVicker did find a way -- when her mother eventually moved into an assisted living residency -- to spend better time with her mom and improve what had always been a difficult relationship. Relieved of some of the chores and errands of caregiving, McVicker had more time to visit with her.
"As adult children, we dread moving our parents," McVicker says. "But once she got in and acclimated, it was the best four years of her life and my life. We took walks, we giggled. I could just be with her, and in many ways, that's just what she had wanted from me."
I have my mom in daycare 5 days a week an it is a wounderful thing that II set her up in it last September and it saved my Sanity a bit knowing that I can't leave her home alone anymore I would feel deeply if anything were to happen to her while I was at work for the 3 hours because they start wandering and get lost.So my friends try and get your loved one into some sort of daycare it will be benifical to the both of you,save your sanity plus be able to have respit a couple of hours a day. They play games do arts and crafts, sing snacks have a beutiful full lunch they have and make friends at the center and the staff is wounderful with them. GOOD LUCK TO ALL CAREGIVERS AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL FOR THE WORK THAT WE ARE ALL DOING TO KEEP OUR LOVEDONES SAFE. GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ALL OF US IN THE END....
it's a job that never ends! my uncle is not being productive enough one minute he will participate t the next minute nothing the appetite comes and goes. He won't answer the phone to make my life easier.
Rid yourself of the guilt of having to leave- if your loved one is in assisted care.. you must. Choose a time- perhaps in the afternoon so as NOT to frustrate your entire day after that visit. Once they unlearn who you are- still try to be regular- for them- for you. Know your limits. Better to visit short and regular than spend inconsistent, lengthy and uncomfortable hours. Peace be with us all.
My mom just passed, before she left, I was caring for her with her stroke and constant battle with The Silent Killer, High Blood Pressure. My dad was getting dementia in the meantime, but because it came so insidiously, by the time we got him a diagnosis, he had done so much to ruin my reputation that nobody in my family trusted me anymore and were believing my caring for them had some kind of inside motives that made them paranoid and angry. My father had been saying things like that to them on the phone while I didn't know, busy taking care of mom. The accusations were insane, and I had no idea where all this was coming from all of a sudden. I do know now, but dad kicked me out, with my siblings blessings, my mother died, and now that he is settling down and remembering I was good, I am happy enough with that. But I will never forget that my mother's only wish was to die laying in her bed with me hopefully laughing or asleep after a night of lying there with me laughing. It's too late for me but I hope some things that I can say to others can be of some help in avoiding this type of situation from happening to you.
Put your dad in daycare, you and your mom need a break, I take care of my dad myself, work and take classes, Daycare is a good thing if it is ran well. Good luck.
What helped me was the way you kept stressing how very important it is to take care of yourself to take care of your loved one. I cared for my husband as he died of colon cancer along with my 2 year old boy. I always put me on the back burner. Now I find myself caring for dad with alzheimers and mom who is wearing down fast. I try to help them both. Mom tells me dad is her problem not mine. I disagree we are all in this together and boy no one ever said it would be easy. I want to take mom out for a break, I want to get dad in daycare. Everyone is procrastinating. please keep us in your prayers as I will you. frustrated in chicago
After 10 years I finally got said what I have wanted to say to my brothers. Nothing has changed. They still are not helping me with the caregiving, but at least they know what I think about that. Somehow that helps.
Prayers golfmanma