I feel too young to be dedicating my life to caring for my mother!

11 answers | Last updated: Mar 18, 2012

My mom is 58 and I'm 26. I've been here with her off and on for the last six years since she got out of the nursing home. She has peripheral neuropathy and an 'amnesia disorder" short term memory problems. Since the surgery she's lost brain function, cognitive and such, I'm not very good at explaining it without just saying she's an idiot now. (I know it's harsh, but you are not directly involved and couldn't understand). Anyway, my dad was the personal assistant, paid for by the state (over the last 6 years the job has changed hands between me, my brother and my dad) my dad gave up the job a few weeks ago because of my mom's behavior. She was yelling at him with a fork in her hand and being "menacing" as he describes. She also has a very angry, condescending and almost demonic voice that she uses on my dad and me when she feels threatened. It's like a split personality. And now she says she doesn't remember doing it most of the time, although she knows she uses this voice. She's used it for a very long time. Lately there are lots of behaviors that scare me: overeating, eating in bed, staying up after she takes her sleeping pill, eating in bed after taking the sleeping pill, putting a curtain over a lampshade and scorching it, trying to make candy in a plastic bowl in the microwave, paranoia, and lots of other stuff. Most of this was manageable with sticky notes and reminders. Now she is ripping down the notes and defying me seemingly out of spite. What is so confusing is that she is so capable most of the time; she convinces others that she is capable, while exhibiting this strange behavior kind of under the radar from view of others. I have taken over the PA position and have been on for 3 weeks. She has disabled her online banking and now the bills aren't going to be paid on time. I confronted her about this asking why she did this when she knows that either my dad or I use her online banking account to pay her bills. She responded with, "well I know you guys are trying to get me out of that house so why should I let you have any control over my money" The problem here is that the one of the duties of the Personal Assistant is to manage her finances and make sure bills get paid because she's not capable of doing this herself. She hides bills until the last few days before they are due and then tells my dad she doesn't have the money for them because its the end of the month and her account is nearly empty. She is twisting the reality that she cannot live in this house anymore because it's decrepit and falling down and cannot be maintained on $1000 a month, we are looking to get her into assisted living. She knows that bills must be paid on time and that it comes out of her checking acct via online banking and yet she disabled the account because she was paranoid since we want her in a home. I'm very frustrated because she is spitefully undo-ing my hard work around the house to keep it clean and organized, she is hiding things, hoarding things and making my job harder than it needs to be. I really need some advice. We live in Illinois and she is only 58, so far the only services I've found are ones we already receive and which are not enough. She needs 24 hour supervision in a nursing home, assisted living or mental institution, but Illinois law is going to keep her at home as long as possible. I’m 26 and I don't have any life outside of this. I can barely even leave the house because she is so unpredictable these days. I'm tired and I'm stressed and she is resistant to all help other than charity.

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rellimetil

63% helpful

rellimetil said...

Idiot is the term you used, so if she has lost that enough cognition to manage on her own, someone should be granted legal guardianship. Sounds like she is now a threat to herself, and possibly others. This may have progressed beyond needing a power of attorney for healthcare, or finances, which it sounds like you don't have anyway. You may need all three. Please seek out medical/psychological and legal advice as to whether she (and therefore everyone involved) needs a legal guardian appointed. It would resolve a lot. Look on this website, under legal matters. Post your question there.

Good luck, you're on the right track and doing the right thing.

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I feel too young to be dedicating my life to caring for my mother!

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