Sometimes caregiving for mom is just too much and just don't know what way to turn anymore, what can I do?

This does sound like a difficult situation. So it’s time to take some action, not only to help your mom, but also to reduce your stress. I know that you’re See also:
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See all 580 questions about Common Family Conflicts feeling as if the situation is hopeless, but if you use the resources that are available to you and make some changes, you’ll find that things really can improve.

First, you need to get a competent medical team involved. Does your mom have a primary care provider? If so, have they identified why your mom is falling? If not, please establish a relationship with a doctor as soon as you can. Once you have a better understanding of what the problem is, you’ll be in much better position to find resources to help you.

Second, you need to get at least some short term help around the house. You mentioned that your relatives haven’t taken on their share of responsibility, but there are other ways for you to get the help you need. Do you have friends or neighbors who could stay with your mom so you could catch your breath, even for a short time? Even a brisk walk or a cup of coffee with a friend could go a long way to helping you feel better about the situation. In the longer run, perhaps you need to bring in a trained caregiver, even for short periods of time. I know this may sound like an expensive option, but there are many resources for obtaining help at home. Please check the resources on this website, under the “in home” tab: you’ll find that are hundreds of articles that can help you to come up with an economical solution.

Third, I’m concerned about your husband’s promise about never placing your parents in a nursing home. While I certainly understand why he’d feel this way, I wonder if he made this decision without exploring the options that are currently available. Things have changed drastically over the years, and there are many caring, reliable facilities that can provide good care for your mother. Have you taken a look at what’s out there in your community? Could you go and visit a few places, with an open mind, to at least explore the options that you might consider? Sometimes we promise things without realizing the cost of those promises; I urge you to at least think about this.

Last, it’s critical that you take care of yourselves, and your marriage, during this time. Perhaps you can attend a class and learn some stress reduction techniques? Or you could join an exercise class? Are you getting the sleep you need? If not, perhaps you can work out a schedule to ensure that each of you gets a “night off” regularly so you can rest.

The bottom line here is that you need to come up with a detailed plan that you can follow to improve the situation. I’m confident that if you and your husband sit down together to look at your options and resources, you can roll up your sleeves and make some changes in order to make things better for all of you. While it’s not easy to sort this out, a careful, thoughtful approach can really change things for the better.

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