Should I consider placing Mom in an Alzheimer's care unit to preserve my own health?
I certainly understand your struggle, and you clearly meant what you said when you promised your mom to never place her in a nursing home. However, what you were really promising is that you would be there for your mom and only do what you believed would be in her best interest. In the end, that is the best thing we can do for our parents. One never knows what life is going to bring. In the abstract we would all say we don't want to end up in a nursing home, but nursing homes exist for a very good reason and many loving families end up having to put relatives in nursing homes because that is the best place for them to be. I might add in your case, it may be your mom belongs in an assisted living facility, rather than a nursing home, so you may fulfill your promise after all.
The decision about when is the right time to move a parent with Alzheimer's to a care facility is always challenging, but keep in mind you are not looking at putting your mom in a warehouse. As someone's dementia progresses, it is important they are in a safe place in which they have care when they need it 24 hours a day, and where they can continue to be active, both physically and mentally. It requires real skill to know how to continue to keep people with dementia active, without asking so much they feel stressed. At some point it is simply not possible to provide all this yourself, and if you allow your guilt to get in the way of making the best decision for your mom, you are doing her (and yourself) a disservice. If you take the time to carefully look over the various facilities that can help your mom and find a caring place with a staff who have the training to help her, you have done everything you can do for her. It is important to keep in mind that if you wait too long, her memory will be so impaired that the facility will never become familiar and she will never feel at home there. Once she is there, you can spend as much time as you like with her, but as her son rather than her caretaker. This may also help her to not feel guilty about having to trouble you to get her needs met. If your guilt continues to wear you down, I would strongly suggest a few sessions with a mental health professional to talk it through.
This is the first time I've looked and found resourses just for me as Mom's caregiver. It truly does help in every way knowing you are not alone, and others are experiencing the same things regarding this terrible disease. Dr. Robbins has been a God sent to me. My very first question, and my very first answer has already put my mind at ease will this so difficult decision. The guilt has been tremendous, but reading other answers to other questions, it's like reading my life. I thank God for this website, and all the participants who are reaching out their hands, and especially their hearts for people like me. I've been so lost, but now I truly have a place to go to find answers. Thank you all so
Dearest Doco55,
It's hard but it's easy. It's obvious, but it's also hard to face...
The answer to your question sweetie is this:
If you can do it, you can, If you can't - you can't.
PERIOD.
The bad news is that YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN. The GOOD news is that YOU ARE HUMAN, and YOUR MOTHER is HUMAN, too...
There is more to loving someone than taking care of them. ANYONE can do the physical work of care-giving.
But YOU are her CHILD, and NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THAT ROLE. NO ONE ELSE CAN LOVE IN JUST THE WAY THAT YOU DO.
So, in my opinion, that's what YOU should do - the one thing which ONLY YOU can do. Be there for her as her CHILD.
BE YOURSELF.
JUST BE.
THERE.
Wherever She NEEDS TO BE.
Warmest regards,
Galowa
p.s.
"Mother," to whom you once made a promise ... is no longer, just as "Child," who once made a promise, (and is now inexorably changed) ... is no longer...
c.suzannemcable.2009
The above comments are great. I so applaud Dr. Robbins that he noted the promise was to take care of the parent. There are many types of supportive communities available. Assisted Living communities are wonderful alternatives! But Dr. Robbins was wise to advise us to do due diligence to check out one's options. Call a professional senior move manager or geriatric care manager for help and information about residential community options. An older person's great fear about "nursing homes" may not be living in a community but rather that if they are warehoused in a facility, they will lose their humanness: that they will be neglected or abused and diminished as people. Older populations who have not been in very high-caring facilities are thinking of patients/residents whom they've seen in years past: people forced to be out of bed but slumped over in a wheelchair drooling, ignored, and with others in similar condition hearded around in a circle in the hall near the nurses' station where people walk around them but never speak to them or touch treat them as individuals; or people who are beaten physically and emotionally by aides (and administrators??); or places where there is no one to ask if you could adjust the covers, help me go to the bathroom, change my bedding 'cause they were soiled--hours ago. Etc. The neglect IS still occuring today in many places. Care aides, in general, are among the lowest paid careers, with little continuing training or respect. If full-time skilled nursing at a high-caring community is not monetarily possible, then the adult's son/daughter/caregiver should look into respite care frequently (albeit, moving a patient with dementia, however, is disruptive). Getting help and taking breaks is the only way to take care of a loved one. The caregiver must take care of her/himself. The older adult, when younger, would never have wanted a child they cared for and loved to be in such termoil and be so heavily burdened.
I have early to mid stage alzheimers. My grandmother had alzheimers and my mother has it. I am now realizing in my decreasing state that if anyone in my family or among my friends had promised me this... knowing the bad days I have now with my memory, I would have no idea who is taking care of me at that point anyway. Seeing a friendly face a few times a week would be enjoyable. No gaurantees I would know it was you visiting... but I know the visit would be encouraging, loving and nice. Whenever someone would bring me food or medicine while I am there... if they smile and talk... I will smile and talk... it does not matter if I know them... because I can't remember their names anyway and faces are getting harder if I have not known them long. Do NOT kill yourself trying to give 24 hour a day care to a person who does not remember you. Visit her. Be a positive person in her life that loves on her. Keep regularly in touch (in the flesh) with her. In between TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! You will wear out far quicker than she will and she will appreciate having a pleasant stranger come and sit with her, talk with her, be with her. She'll feel warm and loved by this (RESTED) person who sits with her. She is not going to remember.... I'm sorry... love her, but know, if you do not take care of you, you will end up in the room beside her soon enough. Take care of you. DON'T beat yourself up. Love your mother... and in between visits... know that she is being well taken care of. Love and best wishes to you for loving your mother in this way for so long. It is time... the right time... for you to make some changes... for both of your health. She won't remember....you won't survive intact otherwise. Love to you. Joan
Don't wait to place your Mom! I did, and Dr Robbins is correct, Mom thinks she should be moving all the time, I visit her 2-3 times a week and she has half her stuff packed. She lived with us for 8 yrs, think I was in denial about her dementia as when I did realize I couldn't leave her home alone even for an hr, we had to have the "move to assisted living so I can become your daughter again" conversation 4 times, and both of us ended up sobbing. Mom didn't remember anything, but I had to go on Ativan for awhile. Now I am less stressed, still feelingguilty , but able to enjoy my life with less worry. Bless you for caring for your Mom, and good luck to you both.
So many great answers to this very heartwrenching question. I think the last was particularly apt in pointing out that the promise was most likely based on the largely outdated image of scary, uncaring places. I volunteer at a nice place and the care there is so very kind. I agree that if you can afford it it will ultimately leave you healthier to respond when you visit. Huge kudos to the person with memory issues who replied. Karma points! I just wanted to add that I think, while it's important to stay firm on one's principles, it's wise to be flexible with specific decisions because life is complicated and even Einstein said it would be foolish to try to solve new problems using only solutions that worked in the past. You might have a decision (such as your "no nursing home" one) that works just fine or at least well enough for years, then things could change and you have to give yourself permission to make a new decision that fits the specifics of the new conditions. I think you're on the right track.
After reading a few of your questions, I'm in the same boat. Mom's dementia is getting worse, and fell 3 times in 3 days, last one, ER, 4 stitches and so bruises, but nothing broken. Decreasing one med. that has proved to cause falls. I must give this a chance first. But I'm and Husband so burnt out, and I feel so guilty, but it's affected my health a great deal, and we have no life. Have a sitter 2or 3 times a week, to go to church, or just get out of house, or doctor's appointmen. But I'm afraid that a decision may have to be made before too long, assisted living, if at all possible, and close to my home to see her, keep in close contact, as lived with us for 7 yr. Guess we just didn't think about when it came to sickness and this point, what to do. We now are taking one day at a time, and getting off that med, and hope to see a big difference. And pray all day long to give me strength to keep going.
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