How can I reasure my mother that it's ok to pass away with our her getting offended?
Caring for a loved one can be overwhelming—especially when there seems to be no relief from the day-in, day-out role of providing for another person. But, let’s stand back and analyze what we can do to help.
The first thing that comes to mind is if your resources are limited, your mother (and you) could qualify for Medicaid. This is the government program that provides resources for low-income individuals. Because you state your mother has many medical conditions, and is scheduled for a cystocopy, she may already have Medicaid. If so, find out what in-home resources regarding care giving are available for her. If she does not, contact the social services in your county regarding assistance in receiving Medicaid.
You could try to have your church or other social groups you or your mother are acquainted with, provide some “respite” care for you. Respite is all about the caregiver, and helps by providing some relief from day-to-day care giving responsibilities. This could be very helpful for your mother as well, as she would have some socialization. And, while you now express feeling “trapped”, nothing is forever. Enjoy your mother as long as you can.
Unfortunately, because we live in California, the state program is Medi-cal. This agency has a very low threshold for income ($600) per month and therefore my mother has a share-of-cost of over $1000. This means she has to pay out her share-of-cost before Medi-cal will pay any medical bills. They also do not have any resources for assistance in the home. There's a program here call In-home Supportive Services to financially supplement for caregiving however it only pays per task. My mom is pretty self-sufficient except for cooking and shopping.
Now, I don't want to sound evil but my mom bounces back from every ailment that she is striken with. The problem is the longer she lives the more likely she will get to the stage where she's gasping for breath due to her COPD. I don't want her go through this. Other than the obvious reasons, she is extremely high anxiety and this situation would be tremendous difficult for her and the family. Yesterday, her pulmonologist stated that the new fracture in her spine has reduced her COPD status from moderate to severe.
I am workig on getting a back-up caregiver for when I am out for two or more hours so that I can start having breaks and feel like I'm more than just her servant.
The expert answer sounds very helpful. I just thought I'd add an idea. Maybe you could write a letter to your mom about your feelings, then just put it away. Sometimes getting the idea "out" is help enough, plus you'd have it ready to go in case you ever felt it was necessary and could show it to her mi us the stress of trying to confront her "live". If it means anything, I think it's very admirable that you're doing so much for her.
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