My teenagers, 13 and 17, seem to be really unable to deal with my mother's Alzheimer's disease. They no longer want to visit her, and I think they don't even see her as the same person any more. Should I force the issue? She's still their grandmother.
Expert Answer by Joyce Simard
The disconnection may be less about your mother than about the kids themselves. Teenagers are going through so many emotional issues at this developmental stage that their grandmother's altered personality may be just one more thing they're having trouble dealing with. They may have too much going on in their lives to try to understand what's happening with her or to process the many emotions her Alzheimer's brings up. The disease can cause kids to feel embarrassed, scared, sad, baffled, or lonely, especially if they were once close with your mother.
Try talking with each child individually. Alone, they're more likely to voice individual questions and may feel more comfortable making their own decisions about their interactions with her. Try probing about exactly what makes them uneasy: that they don't understand what's happening to her memory? That they aren't sure how to react when visiting her?
Some guidance from you can help. Explain that when Grandma repeats herself, it's like when you don't click on "save" when you're writing something on your computer. The words -- or in this case the memory of what she just said -- are lost. Tell your teens that it's OK to just smile and repeat her words or move on to another subject.
It's also possible your teens are wary of something unexpected happening, especially if they've witnessed an outburst that upset them. Fortunately these events are pretty rare. They usually happen because the person has become very frustrated with something. Coach your kids; if it happens again, they should say something like, "I'm so sorry that you're upset, can I help you?" or simply, "Grandma I love you so much, can we have some ice cream?" (or choose something else she enjoys.) This makes the point that your child cares, and it changes the situation. Tell your kids to walk away and get help if the outburst continues. Let them know that within a few minutes, the impaired person usually forgets the episode.
Ultimately, it's not a good idea to push your kids to see their grandmother. Nobody really wins in that situation. It's better if you continue to offer opportunities to visit -- but without pressuring them. That way, when they're ready, they will join you.
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Don't force them to visit. It is known that patients read emotions very well, even when you think that they are not listening or cannot hear. They "feel" you and might get upset. Try instead to give your boyts ways to visit without physical presence. My husband loves cards where people record their own voices. We play them over and over. Have them tape what's happening in their lives on a tape recorder once a week. Make it a family update tape. Play it for your mother. Have them purchase flowers that you can take to your mother. In otherwords, give them opportunities for other ways to express their love.
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I have two sisters - both in their 50's who don't deal well with our mothers illness. My grown son works through his emotions of having been very close to her and helps me with her care. However, my grandchildren 14, 10, 3, and 1 all deal with her differently. The three year old grandson gets the worst of it - he has to always remind her that he is a boy - she always refers to him as a girl and it frustrates his little life. I would never try to force anyone to deal inside this very emotional issue. Each person must manage their own emotions. I only insist that the children be respectful because no matter what they see or her she is my mother and I love her, that's what I tell them.
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