How to best coordinate caring for dad between seven siblings?
First off I have to commend you. Managing the care of a parent among several siblings is never easy and I’m contacted quite often by siblings who can’t get along and so can’t ever get to what is best for their parent. You and your six siblings have done an incredible job of taking care of your father thus far by thinking outside the box about how (and where) care is delivered and by remaining flexible and collaborative which is what makes the current arrangement possible.
And it sounds like what you’ve done up until now has worked. But it’s important to listen to what your siblings who live the farthest are noticing: moving from one house to another is taking its toll on your dad. I’m not at all surprised by this and feel it signals that a change in the current plan is necessary. Here’s why:
As Alzheimer’s progresses, new surroundings become more difficult to adapt to and “new” is what each of your siblings’ homes may feel like to your dad who spends only a month or so in each place. Also, I’m quite sure that the stress of travelling is affecting him too. No matter how far you’re going, getting from A to B requires planning and attentiveness – two capabilities that the Alzheimer’s has compromised. Perhaps most important though is that moving so frequently makes it difficult to establish a routine and “routine” is what people in the middle stages of Alzheimer’s benefit from most.
Having said all of that, I would agree with your siblings who live far that it would be best for your father to settle somewhere so that he has the opportunity to get used to those surroundings. This will matter greatly as the illness continues to progress. However, the decision of “where” he should be should be his - no one should try to make it for him. The best you can do is to talk with your dad about where he’d like to be, collaborate as you have done thus far with your siblings to determine the feasibility of his choice, and do what each of you can to honor it.
