How can I persuade my siblings to visit my mother, who has Alzheimer's, more often?
You are clearly approaching this situation from a place of concern for your mother, yourself, and your siblings, and that's important. Still, I wonder why you feel a need to persuade your siblings to see your mother. On it's face, the answer may be obvious, but it's important to avoid moralizing and imposing our values on others. If you can do so, you'll gain a deeper understanding of what is going on for you and other members of your family.
Do you feel that your siblings are missing out on some special connection they might have with your mom? Does she ask for them, and/or become distressed by their failure to visit? Do you want them to visit your mother because that is the right thing to do? Do you want them to come because it's important to you to share your experience and benefit from their support? None of these reasons are right or wrong, but if you are clear about your own motivations, it will be easier for you to have an honest discussion with your siblings, if you haven't already done so.
Meanwhile, have you taken the time to understand the choices your siblings have made? It's probably tempting to dismiss them as selfish, but what do you think is actually going on for them? Maybe they are frightened by your mother's condition, or perhaps they want to remember her in her pre- Alzheimer's state. If you can have a good conversation with your siblings, it might not get you what you want, but hopefully it will give you information that allows for mutual respect and understanding.
It might be a good idea to have this conversation facilitated by a professional like a member of the clergy or a family therapist. There also may be a social worker at the facility where your mother is staying who specializes in helping families with issues like yours.
I think there has to be a balance for siblings who have a difficult time seeing parents age and them helping. It is very difficult to believe that because I can manage a hospital, post-surgery and alzheimer's that I am expected to do it on my own.
Granted, there are problaby ways the silbings who cannot manage the medical aspect can help and that is not discussed in this article. For example, helping manage bills and insurance is something that can be done from the sidelines.
Also, if a sibling is not helping, they are probably going to be very reticent to go into family therapy. There probably needs to be a way to help ease siblings into helping, otherwise they probably will feel very defensive being "brought" to family therapy by the caregiver(s).
Convince someone to love and care for their mother? They are not going to change their ways. You as the front man/woman have already inadvertantly caused resentment. It is a touchy subject. They are not going to go to therapy, because they have their own reasons justifiable or not.
To convince a siblings especially under 45 years of age to show compassion is moot. My five children didn't want to be bothered. My one sister, my mom's dear daughter, came a few times. Mommy so wanted her to be the one. But it was not to be. In the end..I made a choice when mom left to go dancing with the angels I told no one. I figured they will find out some day. And find out they did, because I spoke about her departure in church and the father-in-law of my youngest daughter then told his son.
My oldest son who is turning 40 this year and was the apple of my mom's eye did show up. I asked him to tell his darling siblings to cough up some funds for the funeral. They did. Because now that she is gone that is all they have. The memories that their beautiful, generous grandmother showed nothing but love and they have some serious personal issues. My CONSCIENCE is quite clear. Since I was the head honcho in the family it created resentment.
However I didn't have time for that nonsense. My mommy was first. Especially after losing her sight, and not being able to defend herself. Cads. I call them all to myself. Including my sister. So now in the end they made their choices and I made mine. I have no regrets. I enjoyed mommy and in the end it was just she and I. For my family who thought they were punishing me by not helping? they have to live with it. If my sister had helped me, my mom could have lived another 4 to 6 years we both have to live with that but from different perspectives.
To everyone their own. My law school buddy chose to inform her siblings all 9 of them who did not care for their mother. I choose to leave people in their own misery. It is not my job to implant the emotion of compassion into any one's heart cells.
Turn to the community and outside friends. I did. Everyone in Elizabeth NJ knew Mrs.Cavallo, and everywhere I went, and I do mean everywhere, pharmacy, restaurant, Dunkin Donuts , Walgreen's I was always greeted with How is your mom? That then made my children and sister's lack of compassion quite tolerable.
Hope you understand. You can only control your own emotions.
Adjunct prof is absolutely right. I am taking care of my father, 3 daughters are within 200 miles. Only one has stepped up to take him for a weekend, ONCE. I was saddened, hurt, resentful, angry and wanted them to DO SOMETHING. I had to let it go, caregiving is emotionally, physically exhausting. To save my sanity and health, I figure my sibs and their issues are not mine. My father gets a quality of life that he deserves, and if he wants more contact with the sibs, he no longer mentions it. He told me that all they do is make excuses to not see him. He too, has made his peace with it. When he passes, my sibs will have to wallow in their grief and guilt, and I will be able to say, I enjoyed precious moments and time with a great man.
I understand where everyone of these people are coming from in their responses. As a care-giver for my 88 year old Mother I have had the most difficult 2 plus years of my life. Much of that comes from family conflict that arose when my sister and I had to get legal help to get my Mother's assets back from a younger sister. We had no choice because Mom fell into that five year look-back law. We tried just appealing to our sister to do the right thing, to no avail.
During the early stages of my Mom's illness the medical staff determined that my sister was not to be trusted with my Mom because of some verbal abuse that had been going on for a very long time. My Mother was much too fragile to deal with this sister. Needless to say, that sister blamed everyone but herself.
Our mother had three girls but the younger one was her favorite. She had told me years ago that this sister would be getting everything she had when she died. This was crazy to me because they had such a terrible attitude toward each other when they were together. They would talk so bad about each other when the other one was not around and yet, have to call each other even if they had a hangnail. In my opinion, I think they had a very sick relationship. Our Mom would give this sibling anything she wanted and the price didn't matter. This sister knew how to play our Mother to accomplish this.
My older sister and my Mom didn't have a relationship. The younger sister would pit my Mom and my older sister against each other and the older one always came out the one who lost. My relationship with my Mother was better dealt with at a distance, which was the only way I could make it work. I saw what was happening, tried to talk to my Mom about it and I became the enemy.
Who are the ones who have stepped up to the plate to care for our Mother? That's right, my older sister and myself. My husband and I had to relocate to be available to my Mom.
Now here we are with a very sick Mom and the sister who always got everything, always took everything she could from our Mother, always treated our Mother with total disrespect, always called our Mother when she needed help with anything (even in the middle of the night) and did everything she could to sabotage our Mother's relationship with the other two of us and she is the one who won't come to visit because ... "of the terrible things Mother has done to her this last three years."
It isn't always that the siblings can't handle the aging of their parents. Sometimes they are just too self-centered to see the damage they have done to others. To take the responsibility for their actions. To ask for forgiveness where they should and except forgiveness where it is offered. They enjoy the attention they get from the "poor me" mentality and don't want to give that up. Sometimes it's because they have carried hate around for so long their heart hardens and they become the hate.
I agree with the gal who said she told no one when her Mother passed away. I will handle this the same way. If my sister does not care enough to want to do the right thing for our Mother while she is living, why should I believe she will care when our Mother passes away. Either way, whether I tell her or not, she will find a way to get attention from my Mother's death. How sad is that?
According to the three Social Workers I have talked to, there will be many who will read this and think I have just described your family situation. What have we become that this is how we treat our parents? What have we become that this is so common the Social Workers can finish your sentences because they have seen so much of this?
Please, if you have aging parents help to take care of them. They need you, they have loved you in the only way they knew how, they sacrificed for you even when you didn't see it and God commands you to love them. Also, you might want to think about what it will be like when you get old. How you treat your parents now is the example you set for how your children will treat you when you need them.
Recommended for you
- Any suggestions for talking to my father, who has Alzheimer's, about his finances?
- How can I help my dad, who has Alzheimer's, communicate?
- How to Avoid Strained Sibling Relationships When a Parent Has Alzheimer's
- How do I get my brother and sister to share more of the burden of caring for our mother, who has ovarian cancer?
- Caring for Elderly Relatives: How to Handle Family Conflicts
- See all 660 questions about Alzheimer's and Other Dementias
