Should I take my 80-something parents with me to check out assisted living facilities for them or go alone?
Both. Generally speaking, the best strategy is first to tour all the facilities you're interested in by yourself. Then, when you have two in mind that you think are the best, take your parents along to visit just those two. That way, you don't overwhelm them, which can easily happen if they're barraged with too many choices.
That said, it's important to involve your parents in the choice right from the start. The best way to do this is to set up a series of short family meetings to agree on a decision process and to get a sense of what your parents' priorities are. Do they care most about being close to friends or family? Having a spacious apartment? A full schedule of activities? Top-notch food? Do your parents prefer a quiet, rural environment or an urban setting with good public transportation? Each meeting should have a set beginning and ending time; if meetings drag on and on, fatigue will set in, minds will start to wander, and your family may resist attending future meetings.
Once you've clarified what your parents want, your list of options will grow shorter and more focused, and your parents will be more likely to approve of the final two choices you present to them.
By the way, if your parents are reluctant to move, it's tempting to exclude them from both the meetings and the tours, but getting their opinions -- even if their preferences are voiced in terms of what they don't want -- will increase the chances that they'll be satisfied with what you find.
I am a professional geriatric care manager and agree with Pamela's recommendations. It is important to include your parents in the process as much as possible. In addition to the considerations listed, don't forger to consider the type of residents in the facility, and whether your parents will feel comfortable, with the people they will be living with. For example, if they did not live in "high society" most of their life, they may not be comfortable living with this crowd, and may prefer a more modest, middle-class type of facility. Jeannie Krause-Taylor
These are some great tips... a major consideration is always the financial landscape. There are many things to consider and timing is critical. Consider working with a Geriatric Care Manager, [and/or] Elder law attorney.
What Jeannie said bears repeating. "In addition to the considerations listed, don't forger (sic forget) to consider the type of residents in the facility, and whether your parents will feel comfortable, with the people they will be living with. For example, if they did not live in "high society" most of their life, they may not be comfortable living with this crowd, and may prefer a more modest, middle-class type of facility." That is so extremely important. Remember you are helping to choose where THEY will live, not where YOU will live. My older brother kept insisting that this one particular assisted living home was the only place for my Mom - it had a swimming pool, a bowling alley, a movie theater, daily card games, etc - etc - etc. My mom was horrified at the thought - she doesn't do any of those things - she has been a stay-at-home mom/wife all her life. She attends church and is involved with activities such as quilting and helping out in the church office. She is NOT a social butterfly. My brother no longer speaks to me because I supported her desire NOT to go where she would be among people she felt were her "superior" - I didn't agree with her inferiority thinking but that is how she has been all her life and at 87 y/o we are not going to change her now. HE would have been totally at home at that assisted living home. Unfortunately he was and is unable to understand that SHE must be comfortable, not him. I, as my Mom's primary caregiver and POA, chose to honor my Mom's wishes and kept her at home with assistance. Again, my brother no longer speaks to me because I chose to honor my Mom's preferences instead of his. He is the oldest and a son, so has always gotten his way and at 65, I guess we aren't going to change him either. So I go it alone. I have another brother and sister but neither one has the backbone of a worm. "What ever you want" is the only comment from them - and it is said to whomever is talking at the time. No real support there. Sorry, I digressed. Anyway, just as Jeannie said, consider your parents' feelings about the type of persons they will be living among. That is just as - if not more so - important than the care given.
cbs is soooo right! I'm having the exact same issues with my mother. She won't attend adult day care (couldn't they call it something else) or do anything without me. My brother is absolutely useless. He and my sister-in-law no longer speak to me because I have refused to allow them access to my mother's bank account. He tended to help himself when he was a little short. No matter that she lives on SS alone with no other assets. Wish I could send cbs a hug or prayer or email.
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