It might also be helpful to get some in home respite care for your Grandparents. That would give you some time to get away and do something for yourself. Getting some help from a homecare agency could be very helpful to you.... take care I do wish you the best.

These answers are great. You do need help. If you do decide to stay with your grandparents remember to set dates to spend alone with your fiance! The stress could damage your relationship with him and you don't want that. If he resents the living arrangement you may have to consider assisted living for your grandparents.

I have the same problem with my father about cleanliness. I had to get some counceling to help me deal with it. My father thinks nothing of handling his dogs or using the bathroom without washing his hands before handling other things. He doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should. He was raised in a much simpler time on a farm and it seems the older he gets the more he reverts to that simpler time and the efforts like showering become such a painful chore for him so he just avoids it. He is not belligerent and luckily if I suggest a shower he will do it. I have learned to just love my dad and wash the dishes before I use them.

It sounds like, if you choose to stay, you do need to get some help with your grandparents daily needs. Some times we are too close to the family member we are caring for and some things like bathing are more easily accepted from a hired professional. That would also give you a couple of hours to yourself while they are there.

Good luck to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

First off, and this comment will be tough to take I’m sure: think, really think what it must be like to be your grandfather; and if that’s too hard to get much clarity around, think about how you would feel to be 90 and watching your beloved of so many years fade right before your eyes as you yourself have more and more difficulty with your own body and life. Maybe you and your fiancé could talk about what it might be like for you to start losing each other and there being nothing you can do to stop it? My mother always said, “Until you walk in another's shoes, you cannot possibly know what their life is like.”

OK… having said all that, I am flat out in awe of you and what you and your fiancé are doing! I would suggest that your grandfather is very aware and very appreciative of what you are doing. If you gave yourself much time to think about my first comment, you probably have some idea that your grandfather appreciates what you are doing and how difficult it might be for him to express it. I am a long ways from being 90 and help from others is difficult for me to take in and appreciate.

Lastly, you need help. No ifs, ands, or buts. Only a fool thinks they can do it all. And we are all fools. Nothing to feel badly about. Nothing to feel guilty about. You are not failing anyone when you ask for help. You are bettering the lives of everyone involved. You cannot give what you do not have. The more and varied help you can get the better. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that if you do not take care of yourself, it could cost you more than you are willing to pay. Be kind and loving to yourselves.

Take good care.

 I agree that both of your grandparents are incapacitated.  You can't take care of both of them yourself.  Get a home health aide for your grandfather.  There's something about a stranger with none of the emotional history that can get someone to eat, bathe, etc. where a family member can't.

Do you have a Power of Attorney?  That would be greatly helpful as well.  Often, people will resist giving up control and allowing other family members to make decisions for them.  It sounds like your grandfather might be like that.  Especially in a assisted living facility.  There are facilities that allow someone to move in temporarily.  Once in a helpful environment, people start to really like it.  It's just getting them there that can be difficult.

Christine Axsmith, Esq.

www.Axsmith.net

Thanks, These are some really good answers. We do have a service that comes in one weekend a month and my aunt comes over 2 times a week for 3 hours each so we do get out. I also have POA for both of them but grandpa still has full control until he becomes incapacited. and he tells everyone else what a great job we do taking care of everything, but to us he never has anything nice to say, I know there is alot of anomosity because of the whole hand washing thing.He is 90 yrs old and either doesnt care about our feelings or just doesnt realize how he behaves. For instance he has referred to me as his "maid" which really hurt. and actually that is how I feel not like a child that they loved and raised but as a hired hand.

i can understand your frustration, my father is 93 and i often wonder about whether or not his hands are clean. he can still bath & dress himself, fix his own breakfast & lunch, so he's doing pretty good. for some reason personal hygiene is the first 'self care' trait that goes to the wayside.

i'm not a nurse or anything like that but i have had my fair exposure..one of the things i have learned is that people (patients) will pay more attention to a stranger, a professional stranger than they will a family member or friend. so, if you can arrange for someone from a local home health care agency to come to your home and talk with your grandfather, he just might listen :-). have the talk be very inclusive; personal hygiene, how to bath, how to dry off, how to brush his teeth, how get off the bed w/o falling, get out of the bath/shower w/o falling, etc... that way it is not focusing on just 'one' item. and if necessary have a LPN or CNA come to the house every day and check with granda pa to make sure he is 'clean'. once they make a repore with each other, he won't resent it.

i know how painful it is to see your love one slip from you,i too took care of my grandmother for 5 yrs and for all my life she was our rock and dearly loved by our family..but when the alzhemiers started to take her she became so different and difficult,but we tried so hard to remember that this was not her and she would be sad to know how she had become,so we just tried really hard to keep that in mind,even when it was exhausting and testing,and not to say we didnt get short with her,which saddens me to this day,but i hope she knew we always love and cherished her all our lives.we lost her in 2003 and not a day goes by that she's not there in my heart and i know one day i will see her again,and know she will forgive the times we got fustrated with her..after all we are human i wish you all the best.i was lucky to have my sister to help out what one had a problem handling the other seemed to step in and visa versa,so in that way we did get relief at times,so bless your heart because so many of our elderly are just discarded and forgotten