My mother is refusing to go into assisted living. How do we get her involved?
Moving a relative with memory loss can be a very delicate operation as you are finding out. When someone has flat out refused, as your mother has, it becomes even more difficult. Reasoning does not usually work and ordering someone to move doesn't work either. Several things to consider:
- Is there anyone whom your mother might listen to - a sibling, minister, or friend who could help her understand the need for this?
- Can you do it gradually, perhaps taking her several hours at a time and staying with her? You would gradually expand the time and use some of it to fix up her room, go to activities, etc.
- Can you bargain with her? This might involve asking her to try it for 6 weeks and then you will discuss it. If you do this, though, you have to be prepared to take her back home if she remembers it at the end of 6 weeks and doesn't want to stay.
Does she have to move now? Perhaps you need to wait a little longer if you can.
Look at it from your mom's point of view. No one wants to be forced to move out of their home. She may not see the need, probably does not understand that she is at risk. Is there a way to help her remain at home but make her safer? Is there anything that might entice her to move, anyway to make it more attractive to her?
A colleague and I have written a manual for families on just this topic with much more detail, Moving a Relative with Memory Loss: A Family Caregiver’s Guide.
I'm sorry but this answer isn't helpful to me. I am in the same situation and we have tried everything - she won't even leave the house to go for a visit. Now I'm battling cancer myself and the stress of taking care of her is I believe killing me. This weekend she tried to hit me with her can when I brought up the subject again. I need a real solution. I'm fighting for my life here.
I agree with ruthielaine response....I could have written it myself. Everything ruthielaine is saying I am going through. I have stage 4 breast cancer, my mother refuses to go assistant living.......and is making the last days of my life miserable. It is not an easy task.....The last resort is she being forced to leave her home by some organization that feels she will be a danger to herself, which I am trying to avoid...
I'm moving my mom into assissted living today - we have no choice but to blindside her - my brother is taking her to lunch while I move her furniture and belongings to the facility. She doesn't know it yet, but she will not be going home after lunch - the facility said if we just get her to the parking lot, they will take it from there - it's terribly sad and I hate doing it this way, but it is the only way it can be accomplished - the doctors are insisting she needs around the clock supervision - it is for her own safety. Know that we have been talking to her about this for some time - and now she gets violent if I mention it - she was in the hospital last week and her behavior was so far out that social workers got involved and now we really have to get her into the assissted living - I'm dreading this day, but she has left us with no choice but to blindside her - however; if she will allow it I plan on spending her first night with her and if she is too angry with me - we have arranged for her regular caregiver to stay the night (we had a daytime sitter for her). My only hope is that once she gets there and sees all the opportunites to socialize and play games she will calm down.
