The answer from the expert is so thorough and understanding - thank you. Your Aunt needs your love and support now more than she needs anything. Maybe your fears all come down to one fear - that you fear the death of your Aunt. Totally understandable. Please know that your Aunt is aware of the possibility of death and all the other concerns that you have as well.

As hard as it may be for you to do, she probably just needs you to "sit" with her right now and not do anything other than just be supportive and understanding. When she is ready to make some decisions regarding the cancer, she will.

I actually applaud your aunt for her decision. As the expert said, she may be feeling out of control because of the diagnosis and your insistence on treatment. My guess is that she may have a change of heart when you back off and let her be alone with her thoughts for a while. Sometimes we, as caring relatives, are so focused on what WE think is the right thing to do that we forget about what the patient actually feels/wants. We also become quite selfish. We don't want to lose our loved one so we try to do anything/everything possible to save them. Please let your aunt have her feelings for a bit. She needs to feel that she IS in control.

I have decided this is not very clear. So I have put another answer in another answer.further down. well I refused cancer treatment And I have turned into a weirdo (Yes still valid) Yes just this this morning I saw a old couple struggling with a shopping trolly,before I knew what I was doing I was helping them into their car lifting heavy packages and .listening to the terrible suffering they have been through.and generally being helpful. I am a now a Do gooder! All my own fault. Using spirtuallity to help me fight cancer,caused this. I seem to love everybody.and every thing. I keep looking at the wonders of life all around and ignore the bad stuff. Being on cloud nine I think it's called . I even love my cancer, So beware Taking no treatment has side effects, Love from crazy Ken I forgot to say how wise I thought Bonnie the expert was. Seriously not having treatment is not a option . I refused the medical treatment that was offerred. But I give 101 per cent to fighting my cancer, with my diet exersize , My mind . with Spirituality and my,atitude,I fight cancer but I enjoy doing it. I have nothing to lose but my life.

I wonder what this woman's doctor(s) have said to her, what treatment has been recommended or considered. Maybe a way to help her would be to suggest that she get another opinion or explore more of what is available to help her, whether she gets "treatment" or not. For example there are Gilda's Clubs around the country and other kinds of wellness programs--(Harmony Hill, in Washington State, is one example)... she could get support from others, whether or not she is receiving aggressive treatment, and find out more about how other people with cancer are approaching their care.

Having no treatment.is not sensible. I say I have no medical treatment. But do see my Doctor on a regular basis. I have just come back from my doctors, This morning she examined the lump in my stomach by feeling it.but she wants me to have another scan.to get more information. In seven years I have had loads. (See how it grows:)So I declined. I told her it was a waste of time; when I feel the need,I will. She arranged a appointment for a blood count. She explains the pro'and con's of not doing what she wants. A Great Doctor. So when I say I have no treatment. I mean not for cancer which is stomach removal and no options. I have build a gym.I exercise every day, I eat nor drink anything that is bad for me, And everything that is good. My mind is of prime importance. Spiriuality that is dealing with your spirit, and keeping it positive. Am I wasting my time printing this? Negative thought ! ,kick it out. I love you all.Ken

NOW THINK, YOU PERSUADE HER TO HAVE THE TREATMENT,YES? SHE DIES DURING TREATMENT, AS MY SISTER IN LAW DID, 2 MONTHS INTO TREATMENT? BEFORE TREATMENT SHE LOOKED WELL . BUT SHE WANTED TO DIE.AFTER A MONTH OF
TREATMENT IT WAS SO AWFUL PROJECTILE VOMITING,ECT,ECT.UNBEARABLE PAIN. NOW CAN YOU FACE THAT? I HAVE JUST REFUSED CHEMO,FOR CANCER,MYSELF MY SURGEON DOES NOT YET KNOW YET BLESS HIS SILLY SOCKS,THINK ?THINK,THINK.
FIND OUT THE CHANCE YOU ARE TAKING,THE ODDS OF LIVING WITH AND WITHOUT TREATMENT,DO NOT TREAT THE DOCTOR AS ALL KNOWING, WITH CANCER THERE IS ALWAYS UNCERTAINTY.

I can imagine how consuming your worry about your aunt is. Some years ago my aunt had an operable brain tumor. She found out not long after diagnosis my next door neighbor had a successful operation for the exact same thing. She said she didn't want the operation. It didn't matter who talked to her about it. She even knew my next door neighbor since they were young adults before I was born.

We tried talking to her and asking her objections. All she would say is she didn't want the operation. The doctor was excellent, he was our doctor also. Her kids couldn't understand why she was refusing.

We all gave her a lot of time without bothering her about it. We would get it touch with each other and talk about how and when we thought we should talk to her about it and when we should let her be.

The sad thing about it was she never changed her mind. Her decision to do nothing was fatal. It's been many years and her 2 sons still, to this day, blame the doctor for her death. The doctor wasn't to blame and tried just as hard as the rest of us to get her to change her mind. They won't admit it but I think they still feel guilty of not being able to get her to change her mind. I know the whole ordeal still bothers them.

Everything else in her life was fine. She was living a wonderful life except for the tumor. She seemed a happy person even when she thought no one was watching. No financial worries. Plenty of loving family and extended family. People that would do anything for her.

It didn't make sense then and it doesn't now. The only thing I can think of is she must has been more afraid of the operation than dying from the tumor. She may have thought she was going to die any way. That fighting it and dying was more of a financial burden on the family than just dying. What a loss. We all miss her.

Sometimes people don't change their mind. It may just be to overwhelming for them to deal with so they do nothing. It may be fear of the treatment. Denial. It would be nice if people would say why they refuse so you could address those concerns or at least try. Some people never say why.

I can understand a fear of treatment. I had a different health issue and needed an operation. I even signed myself out of the hospital 3 or 4 times against doctors recommendations. Where they have you sign a paper that says you've been informed of the seriousness of your condition and may die if your leave. I left any way.

I always had an excuse but the real excuse was I was scared. More scared of an operation than of dying. One day I just changed my mind. I really can't even tell you why. I just woke up one day and made some arrangements to have things looked after and went to the emergency room. I didn't even tell my family I was doing it. The next day I had the operation.

That was 2 months ago. I don't have the money to pay for it. But I'm feeling so much better now and I don't care about the bills. It will get worked out somehow. Now that I feel much better and the worst is behind me I have a totally different outlook about it.

Everyone was telling me to just get the operation. I logically knew that's what I should do. It didn't matter. The change of mind and loss of fear came from within or was divine intervention. Not from people feeding me info and trying to convince me. I wish I could tell you there was something you could say that would change your aunts mind. But I don't know myself.

She might be like me and the answer must come from within. I will pray that her answer comes while their is still time for treatment. Blessings to your aunt and her family. Bless you Lucinda and may you all find acceptance, comfort and peace of spirit.

The truth is no one knows how they will respond to a situation until they are faced with it - everyone lives in their own shoes.

I have written a Living Will that I expect to be followed explicitly should I be in a situation that I cannot actively make medical decisions for myself. Your aunt is conscious, alive and in sound mind - she can make her decisions for herself. Respect her.

I am 62 and in good health - I choose NOT to have invasive radical medical proceedures for such things as organ failure and cancer. I only want radical medical intervention if my situation is a physical medical emergency (broken bones etc). My reason is that I do not have confidence in the diagnostic process or the marketing and pharmacy-driven prescription process. I have seen so many cases of mis-diagnosis and of guess-work treatment.

For recovery and healing I only want alternative treatments and processes which are gentler to the body without the harmful side effects.

Please let your aunt be - she has her reasons. Support her with love, kindness, compassion - talk with her about her feelings. She may be afraid and in talking to you you may find another solution, another way of treatment that would work FOR HER.

My thoughts are with you both.

I am a big alternative fan myself. I did surrender and have one operation but I had previously saved my life 3 times with alternatives. So I know if you find the right alternative treatment and follow through with it you can gain your health back.

Many years ago I came across a doctor that was talking about how she was being criticized and ridiculed by fellow surgeons. She was an internationally acclaimed orthopedic trauma surgeon and Chief of Orthopedic Surgery at San Francisco General Hospital. She was using high speed saws and drills. She wore a special suit the filtered exiting air to protect the patient. There were no filters for incoming air to protect her and she had them added to her suit. That's what started it all.

It turns out it was a good move. I believe she did this because she found out that viruses become airborne even in ways not previously considered and can infect doctors. I remember her talking about doctors that burned off venereal warts were getting warts. It turned off that viruses were surviving this process. The live viruses were in the rising smoke and infecting the doctors.

She was using high speed saws and other tools that atomized and vaporized body fluids making them airborne. She was the first person to have these incoming air filters added to her suit. Instead of acknowledging her insight many other surgeons ostracized her.

Later I found out she was going to be on a 4 hour radio show talking about a different topic so I tuned in. It turned out she had advanced breast cancer and cured it. She knew the outcome of medically approved treatment a.k.a chemotherapy and radiation. She knew that true survival rates weren't getting better. Cancer survival was being determined by a five year window. Since cancer was being detected earlier the window was moved away from the time that death started occurring or evidence of cancer returned. Turns out that what was making the survival rate look better was earlier detection not treatment. The U.S. General Accountability Office says the way the survival rate is calculated is misleading.

She rejected standard therapies because of their destructive side effects and because those therapies often lead to death. She decided to use natural inexpensive therapies. If you visit drday.com her site make sure you click the link to her pictures showing the huge tumor bulging out of chest. She has some videos there and I bought them but if you search for her on YouTube you can find them there. Just enter dr lorraine day in the search box.

I find it very sad that someone would choose NOT to fight IBC. In 2007 I was diagnosed with IBC (at age 65), and I went through almost 6 months of chemo, a mastectomy, then 33 radiation treatments. After rads, I started on Arimidex to keep the cancer from recurring. In our support group, we even have a woman who was diagnosed with IBC in 1991 and is still around and has NOT had any recurrence since her initial diagnosis. I would love to talk to this woman, have her join our IBC support group and learn about ways to get the treatment she needs if she has no insurance. Her life is worth it. Age 56 is way to young to just give up because of this diagnosis. My heart goes out to her.

Angel of god . Your story was so profoud and full of meaning. I am not afraid of surgery I have had so many operation I even agreed to my present cancers removal 7 years ago. I was told just the cancer would be removed, just before I going to be butchered I asked a question. and was told the surgeon was going to remove most of my stomach. I left a trail of dust behind as I departed . Later my surgeon told me I was lucky. as my cancer had spread to my liver and kidneys . I was so pleased, Now I could use god in the way god was intended for us to do . not to cure us. But I do believe gods purpose is to help people to a state where miraclescan occur . Like when the diagnosed cancers in my liver and kidneys became inactive,I did my bit by a complete live style change.now I love every body just the natural consquence of changes made
Sorry if my views differ from yours,but I cannot make sense of a god,who plays a games with peoples lifes.God to me,has no favorites,no special persons. Your faith is stronger than mine.I guess.but one must believe that which that makes most to sense them Ken

Dear Lucinda,

Your aunt refused medical treatment; but as Ken mentioned to some degree, there are other treatments - spiritual, healthy diet and exercise. Bonnie also gave some wonderful suggestions to help your aunt feel as comfortable and in control of her situation as possible.

I am a Christian naturopathic doctor and psychotherapist and want to suggest that there are numerous natural options as well. Truly, the medical doctors are not God and do not have all the answers. Think about it -- that's why physicians have medical "practices"...no physician (medical/allopathic or naturopathic) can guarantee a "cure" and "remission" is not the same thing as a "cure". Chemotherapy uses powerful drugs to "kill" the cancer cells, but they also destroy the body's God-given immune system. With or without allopathic medical treatment or complementary/ alternative/ natural treatment, there simply are no guarantees regarding the successful cure of the disease. You and your aunt might consider a far gentler, holistic approach to treatment. You might want to either contact the naturopathic colleges regarding qualififed practitioners in your area, or do an online search and share the information with your aunt as an OPTION for her. There are also some well-respected clinics just outside the U.S. (Oasis Clinic, Dr. Contreras). Let your aunt know that there are options for her if she so choses. Ultimately, the decision needs to be her decision. And a person's own mental outlook on the success of treatment (or not) can greatly affect the treatment outcome. If she has already "given up" in her mind (which, by the way, is different from finding peace and resignment to the will of God).

I lost my 54 yr. old husband on March 14, 2009, to small cell lung cancer which metasticized to his brain, liver, kidneys, stomach and colon. He died just 5 days after his diagnosis. It was a total shock for us because he had never smoked a day in his life and that type of cancer almost always occurs in heavy smokers. Nevertheless, upon diagnosis, we had decided against chemo. The plan was to keep him as comfortable as possible and move him to a hospice, where we had planned to begin some aggressive natural treatments. Unfortunately, the disease progressed with lightening speed and I am grateful that we did not cause him any further suffering from chemo or radiation side effects.

Only God knows your aunt's true prognosis. My experience as a healthcare practitioner, both in private practice and earlier as a nursing assistant on an oncology unit and also working as a Pastoral Care volunteer for over 20 years in a local medical center, has been that very often people just seem to "know" when their time to meet our Maker is near -- even without a medical diagnosis. If this is the case with your aunt, the best things you can do for her and your own peace of mind as well, are to give her the opportunity to retain as much dignity and control as possible through this difficult time, PRAY, and share quality time with her.

One more thing, remember that MIRACLES STILL HAPPEN! And, where there's life, there's HOPE.

God bless you both. I will keep you both in my prayers.

reading these pages i think should be required reading for doctors all people are not brainwashed. as they seem to think

Lizzeb I just say what I think.., what you say also makes sense,to me. I know nothing about other people, my version of god just seems better for me,fits me perfectly,no doubts.just love. At eighty this year and two cancers to deal with.and a badly disabled wife that has angina.diabetes, odema of legs and feet, two replacement knee joints, 3 prolapsed disks in her back.hiatus hernia,all gained while receiving treatment for rheumatoid arthritis, that I refused treatment for twenty.five years ago. Now I can run,dance,jump.and I use a my gym daily.
Where my wife is not able to move unaided. She is a Jehovah Witness, and 9 years younger than me, Strange.Why her,and not me god? She believes in doctors.I dont.a matter of faith?
Yes I am a terrible man. I just try to help people think. Not what I think,just to think for themselves.

I think all the answers have merit. My first reaction was to say - don't do anything, just listen. She needs to have a sounding board and that way she can come to her own conclusion without feeling pressured. That's what good counselors do, in my experience. Listening to the other without judgment is the best way to help anyone in a life changing situation. But it takes a lot of courage and I hope you will find yours, so your aunt can find peace in whatever she decides.

Lizzeb. Wise words indeed, So why does stupidity rule? Do intelligent people turn away, Discouraged by the system. Leaving the ignorant,the Freedom to perform,their. stupid acts. What can be done? We seem powerless: Against the powers that be. god lies dormant unused,ignored. or abandoned .

Magintob A very sensible person. in a crazy world. you are a rarity . I have had 7 years with what I call the KeyStone Cops. Silly is putting it mildly; a couple of months ago I discovered a new lump in my stomach.Doctor you must go to hospital as soon as possible. Sorry i have a golf match to play?I say,I get a scan. Oh !dear the cancer has grown you must have chemo to shrink it. first consultation , last week letter the surgeon is now refering to separate growths orignal cancer and a lump he has not a clue what it is,not that he admitted that.he has sent me two appointments both I cancelled. I am about to phone him, I need a fairy tale so you are so right . Ken

Without getting into a discussion about religious beliefs, I think people simply don't know how to deal with sickness, hardship and death, when it visits loved ones or close friends. It's not malicious ignorance or some powers that be conspiracy. Often, people don't want to do the wrong thing, so they don't do anything. Each of us can practice what we would like others to do for us and teach by example. That's all.

johnc yes information is available It is ignored by most people, ignored because it has no profit potental may be. I used sensable methods to cure my other illness. that my brother in law died from .I am sure it was the treatment.so was he. before it killed him , Any treated recovery. is a great success for the treatment. a death is ignored;unavoidable? I think we are going through the dark ages for medical treatment. so much brainwashing. at eighty this year, even with the cancer side affects I am so much fitter than I have ever been.that means in all my life. no medication no pills I can avoid pain natures way iron tablet for.blood loss but that is all, I did start this as just a johnc well done message; and here I am gas bagging again.sorry. ;