How can I reconcile with my daughters if they won't speak to me?

1 answer | Last updated: May 19, 2011

An anonymous caregiver asked...

My daughters decided last year to cut me out of their lives. They won't discuss it with me, and my son says they are jealous they managed to buy a house and they are selfish. This has devastated, humilated me and made me very ashamed of them. Never, would I have thought this would happen. I have spent two Christmases alone (my son is on the other side of the country, but calls several times a week). I am so embarrassed that I have lied to my best friends about them coming and I feel terrible about this. I am retiring this year, and this has just taken so much out of me. How do I deal with this? Don't say talk to them- they don't want to talk to me. They ignored my Xmas gifts to them last year, cashed the birthday checks I sent them but did not acknowledge them otherwise, skipped my birthday, and now have skipped the present Christmas.

frena

100% helpful

frena said...

frankly, unless there is serious mental illness or a background of past abuse present in this situation, it seems inconceivable to me that you have no idea of the why, See also:
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See all 580 questions about Common Family Conflicts what for and how-it-came-about of this painful situation. if you really feel you don't know, i'd urge you to start talking with a good family therapist so that you can unwind the mystery and figure things out. whether you are able to reconcile with your daughters or not, it will help you more than you might imagine right now. if you really feel you don't know, i'd urge you to start talking with a good family therapist so that you can unwind the mystery and figure things out. whether you are able to reconcile with your daughters or not, it will help you more than you might imagine right now.

the fact that you feel "devastated, humiliated and ashamed" by their deciding to cut you out of their lives supports my feeling that a family therapist might help you get clarity on this. i only say this because words like "saddened, lonely and rejected" might be more usual ways to respond to your daughters' decision. and other people would pick different words again.

so, i'm not sure any of us outsiders can answer your question because there is a deep mystery in there which is between yourself and your daughters and whoever was part of your family until while they were being raised. i also suspect that maybe there is some denial going on in you about the truth.

So please get help and support from someone who can walk with you and guide you on your journey of self-discovery, because in one thing you are absolutely right -- of course it's deeply important to bring healing to this situation. and no, i don't really think anyone cuts all contact with Mom because she bought a house. this is not about houses and possessions. this is about wounds and healing.

good luck and courage for your journey. it really will be worth it!

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