Did we make the right decision, putting our parents in assisted living?

Hi Kay. I can hear your enormous stress in your words. You have every right to feel stressed out and really need to take care of yourself first. If you See also:
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See all 660 questions about Alzheimer's and Other Dementias aren't in the right frame of mind, no one else with you will be. Additionally, the stress you are feeling likely is stronger because your parents (who loved each other and spent their lives together) are now separted...six hours apart. That in and of itself is a difficult decision to make and continue to live with.

Expressive anger and paranoia are not uncommon in dementia patients. Moving them to an assisted living or any alternative living arrangement may exacerbate these and other problems. I think her packing up is OK. She is not used to the environment she is in; she likely misses your dad (even if they weren't being nice to each other); and, she misses her "old" life. She and the rest of your family likely are grieving about the entire change in responsiblities and loss of the people you and they used to know.

Often if someone is angry, it is easy to be angry right back and lose your temper. This may have been the case with your father in dealing with your mom, or with the banking. The most important thing to know is that your mom (and maybe dad) likely does not know her behavior and its effect on others. Rationalizing doesn't work. You need to keep your voice and body language as calm as possible (the staff too) and try not to change what is real for her. Redirecting energy is a great technique. For example, if your mom is packing her suitcase, you may want to change the conversation to a discussion of a favorite trip she had. For your dad who thinks your brother is stealing,acknowledge his concern and redirect the energy to something like "tell me about your job." There is no one best answer to this situation or any other situation dealing with caregiver burden, stress, and family relationships.

To some degree, being away from your mom for a bit may be the best thing for her and you. I think that's a gut decision you need to make yourself. Also, reach out to the assisted living staff and ask them questions about what may be best for her.

I know these aren't hard core answers, but hopefully something to think about. I hope I've helped you to some degree. Know you aren't alone and please take care of yourself!

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