What are my options for regaining care of Mom?
This question reads very much like another one recently received from your state of Georgia, with the exception of a different medicine being prescribed for the mom in the picture. So at the risk of being repetitive, am forwarding the answer below in case it missed your emailbox.
The one new piece of information in this question that may change the picture, however, is about you being named agent in your mom’s power of attorney. Take a hard look at the wording in the power of attorney and see when and how it takes effect. Some of them “spring” into effect immediately when made—empowering the agent to act at once. Others take effect only when a person is legally incapacitated; having dementia is usually not enough—he or she must lack the ability to handle personal finances or personal care and safety. And a few require the written verification of one or more doctors before the power of attorney will take effect.
If you already have the authority to act under your mom’s power of attorney, then you can legally step in and make decisions required to maintain her best interests.
The other concerns are addressed in the answer posted earlier: If your sister is an organized and conscientious type, it is possible for her to track your mother’s account online, as many long-distance caregivers do. But that doesn’t sound as if it’s the biggest problem—or the biggest hurt—that you are now facing. What sounds most difficult is being branded a thief and being effectively banned from your mom’s life.
Assuming you and your sister both want to remain in your mom’s life, you will have to find a way to care for her together because that is simply the phase you’re in now. You and your sister undoubtedly bring different talents and abilities to the table: one of you may be better at negotiating medical care, one of you better with finances.
In an ideal world, your mom, your sister and you could sit down and talk about what help your mom needs most and who might be best able to provide it. Don’t overlook help from outsiders—such as volunteers from community groups or services for the elderly. In many places, help is available free or for a low cost—and often, having an outsider step in helps remove some of the angst or even competition siblings may feel when left with caregiving duties all on their own.
But if you, like many of us, live in a less than ideal world in which a civil sitdown with your sibling and mom would seem impossible right now, then again, consider enlisting the help of an outsider—perhaps another relative or close family friend who could help moderate the discussion. If no one comes to mind, consider getting help from a family mediator or community dispute resolution group.
