My mother needs help but is unwilling to accept it. What should I do?
At some point, our loved ones' choices seem to go from bad to worse. We see our parents spinning out of control and we know we are the only thing that stands between them and a disaster. We do for them what they did for us when we were in their care. We move them decisively out of harm's way. Often it is not appreciated. But our obligation is to make parent-responsible decisions at the risk of being rejected and berated.
It sounds like your mother is making a frantic attempt to hold on to some element of control in her world. Ironically, she is accelerating her loss of control as she rejects better choices. It might be helpful to reframe her choices in terms of control. An article I wrote recently may help:
http://www.dsolie.com/articles/reframing.html
elderly parents seldom accept help when we couch it in terms that make them seem as if they can't manage, especially when they really can't manage. you might get further with "I" statements -- not "you can't manage, you forgot, you didn't" (which of course they hate) but "I want you safe," "I need to know you're getting the food," "I ...blah blah.
however, without trying to diagnose your Mom, it sounds like a lot more is wrong than you indicate. i wonder whether she has a possibly lifelong undiagnosed mental illness going on. unless that can be diagnosed and helped, the rest probably won't come right.
i'd suggest getting her to a psychiatrist for investigation. you don't have to say it's a psychiatrist necessarily. you can say, "i think it would help to get your medications looked at by someone who understands these things. i want you to have the best care and help."
i'm not a big psych med fan, but i have seen a number of very difficult and haunted elders be able to have peace in their old age because their paranoia and fear has become calmed.
think it over. one more expert opinion probably wouldn't hurt a bit.
