How can I help my mother with depression if she refuses all help and isn't ready to be declared incompetent?

Dear Florida/Alabama Caregiver:

I’m sorry you’re facing the challenges of long-distance caregiving for a parent with dementia.

In addition to her existing diagnosis of dementia, while not a doctor, See also:
Since her cancer diagnosis, my mother has seemed very depressed. Does she need professional help?

See all 573 questions about Depression I’m reasonably certain that your mother is clinically depressed and needs medical intervention and help.

The death of your father seems to have exacerbated her dementia, and is adding to her difficulties of grieving and dealing with her loss.

Because of her diagnosis, your mother may be best suited for assisted living rather than living alone and unattended in her own home. She certainly is in need of socialization at a minimum, and more than likely, counseling and anti-depressant drugs to treat her withdrawal and depression.

My first suggestion is to hire a Florida-based geriatric care manager (GCM) to do a full assessment of your mother’s situation. A good GCM armed with the background information you can supply should be able to complete an assessment of her present condition and situation and convince your mother that she can help her to deal with the issues that have her so upset. The GCM becomes the buffer between the patient and the patient’s family, whom your mother may see as too controlling.

In our GCM practice in south Florida, we have had several cases that are similar to this exact situation. In virtually every case, we have been able to establish the rapport needed to help the client to make strides to rebuild her quality of life, and/or to help place her in the appropriate living situation.

The best way to go about introducing a GCM to your mother is to visit your mom, sit down and say to her that as her adult child, you love her and are very concerned about her. Then say the following: “Mom, I have someone I’d like you to meet and talk with. Her name is – GCM's name - she’ll call you tomorrow to set a time to meet you.”

This isn't a point for discussion, it's going to take place, and you can inform your mother that you won't be present. Once the meeting takes place, there is a good chance the GCM will gain your mother’s trust. Over time the GCM can help your mom to rebuild her life, as that’s what the best GCMs do. Hopefully that will happen and lead to your mom taking the steps needed to treat her depression and assess her current level and stage of dementia.

It’s possible that the neurologist you mother sees may prescribe medication to deal with her depression and dementia, and s/he may also suggest that the GCM continue working with your mom.

The neurologist may collaborate with the GCM and determine that your mother would be best served by living in an assisted living facility. The GCM can be very helpful in that transition if required. In a perfect outcome, your mother will agree to talk with the GCM and everything you wanted to see happen, from a medical evaluation to having help brought into her home or making the move to an assisted living facility will, over time take place peacefully.

If it’s any consolation, I too had to do exactly the same thing with my own mother after the death of her husband. Ultimately we placed in the facility in which she has now lived and thrived for the past 4-years. It can be accomplished, and in our case, my wife being the GCM was an added plus.

If you would like to contact me for a referral to a GCM in Florida, I am happy to provide you with the name of a reliable professional, depending on where in Florida your mother lives. Obviously, I don’t have direct contacts in every city, but in south Florida in particular, I can be of assistance to you.

There are other steps that might be taken, but my suggestion is to follow this course of action first. If it does not get the desired results, you can again contact Caring.com and ask for further assistance if necessary. Hopefully, that won’t be required. I wish you the best of luck.

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Now, she calls me "I dont feel good and I'm weak and going back to bed but don't worry about me". If this is not MANIPULATION I don't know what is!?!

Mr. Kauffman could you please help me find a GMC down there. She lives in Aventura Fl.

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Hello amour,

Here is a list of Geriatric Care Managers in your area: GCMs in Aventura, FL

I hope that helps!

Take care, Emily | Community Manager

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