How can I get my mother, who has dementia, understand she must control her spending habits?
If possible get your mother to have her name taken off all of her accounts and put in your name or another trusted person. Even though she is in the earlier stage of the disease she is not capable of making sound decisions. Speak with her physician and relate the concerns you have about her decision making as well as explaining in detail about her combative behavior. I am concerned that she is still living alone yet not making good decisions that could effect her safety. You also might become involved in a support group where caregivers might be helpful to you.
I have the same problem with my father, but I live three times zones away. Last month, he withdrew $700 from his checking account and got very combative when his personal banker asked him if everything was OK or if he was having some sort of emergency. This month, he wrote a $1,000 check to someone I've never heard of. In both cases, he assured me that he would get his money back. Yeah, right. Bye-bye!
His accounts are in both of our names, but I don't find out about these things until after he's done them. Then, it's too late! Last year, I spent a week at his house undoing all sorts of frauds, schemes, multiple accounts, etc. I sat down with him and we drew up a financial management plan for what he would do and what I would do to keep him on the straight and narrow. He read it once and filed it. When I ask him to get it out and reread it, he says he doesn't know where it is.
The only thing I can think to do is to set up a separate account in my name, and, at the beginning of each month, withdraw all but a couple of hundred dollars from his account into my account and pay all of his bills out of that account, leaving him only enough for "spending money." He has gone through more "spending money" in a month than I do! He is depleting his savings by hundreds of dollars a month, and cannot tell me what he spends it on. I'm so frustrated that I cry!
In order to become conservator and take total control, you have to get two doctors to write letters with very specific wording that says the person is "by reason of mental deterioration, or other cause, incapacitated and can no longer act rrationally and prudently in his or her own financial best interests." You can then petition a court to make you conservator. If your mother gets Social Security, you have to fill out a form in person and have a meeting at a SS office to become "representative payee" so the SS check can be sent to you. Then you have to report to SS how it's used (it's a simple, online procedure.)
I'm frustrated that, despite me providing HIPAA authorization to my father's doctors, I cannot get them to write this letter. The only way they will do it, I'm afraid, is for me to make an appointment with them for this purpose (that way, they'll get $$!).
When the "expert" above says, "speak with her physician," you'd better make sure that you have HIPAA authorization from your mother than allows your doctor to talk with you. (You can get that as part of a Power of Attorney for Healthcare.)
I'm frustrated that the "expert" answer on this website didn't go into more detail in her answer on this. It's a very complex topic, and may be different in different states. I'm doing as much research as I can before going to be with my father in Michigan in a few weeks.
I joined a caregiver support group and got a couple of good ideas, but unless it's a well-run group, it turns into a depressing complaint session!
If you come up with any additional ideas, please post them here. I wish you well, as I share your frustrations and concerns.
Although your mother has dementia, she may still have the requisite capacity to execute a Durable Power of Attorney appointing you as her attorney in fact. If she does not have sufficient capacity, you should consider pursuing guardianship on an expedited basis. I recommend that you consult with an elder law attorney in your area.
Another possibility, if social security is all the parent has, is to request Social Security to appoint you as Representative Payee. That way the social security check comes to you, and you have the responsibility to spend it to meet the parent's needs. If there's substantial assets or income, and you don't have a power of attorney in place, then your state's version of guardianship or conservatorship is the only alternative. If the parent still has the legal capacity to execute a power of attorney, then you could consult a lawyer and go that route. But the kind of impulsive spending you describe, coupled with the dementia diagnosis, makes me think that it's too late for a POA.
