My mother, who has dementia, refuses to go to assisted living. How do we get her involved?

Moving a relative with memory loss can be a very delicate operation as you are finding out.? When someone has flat out refused, as your mother has, it becomes even more difficult.? Reasoning does not usually work and ordering someone to move doesn?t work either.? Several things to consider:

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• Is there anyone whom your mother might listen to - a sibling, minister, or friend who could help her understand the need for this?
• Can you do it gradually, perhaps taking her several hours at a time and staying with her?? You would gradually expand the time and use some of it to fix up her room, go to activities, etc.
• Can you bargain with her?? This might involve asking her to try it for 6 weeks and then you will discuss it.? If you do this, though, you have to be prepared to take her back home if she remembers it at the end of 6 weeks and doesn?t want to stay.

Does she have to move now?? Perhaps you need to wait a little longer if you can.?
Look at it from your mom?s point of view.? No one wants to be forced to move out of their home.? She may not see the need, probably does not understand that she is at risk.?? Is there a way to help her remain at home but make her safer?? Is there anything that might entice her to move, anyway to make it more attractive to her??

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A colleague and I have written a manual for families on just this topic with much more detail, Moving a Relative with Memory Loss: A Family Caregiver’s Guide.