How will I ever get over the guilt I feel for placing my mother in a nursing home?

I am assuming you placed your mother in the nursing home because you could no longer care for her at home. Possibly, she was living in her own home, and See also:
Is there a relationship between stress and blood sugar levels? now needs more assistance. Either way, you are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt.

If your mom has dementia, usually it is the “behavioral” issues such as wandering away, toileting needs, or even combative behaviors that precede the placement. Also, with dementias like Alzheimer’s disease, the resident (your mom) may not even remember who the other family members are, the “new” environment is not familiar, and may start asking to be taken home. All of this is especially trying for family members.

If any of the foregoing is true, it is natural for you to be struggling. I would suggest you discuss your feelings with the social worker at the nursing home and be kept informed in what is happening on a day-to-day schedule for your mom. Participate in her care if possible. And especially, try to concentrate on the fact your mom is cared for, safe, and not alone.

Remember, too, it is never easy to become the “parent” of your parent. Take comfort in the fact you are doing the best you can for your mom.

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I feel so bad for you. You did what you thought was best for your mom. I wish I had the means to put my mom in a nursing home too where there would be someone who can bathe her and give her her medications and actually get her to take them. Right now she doesn't take them unless I am with her. Most of the time I am not able to be with her so she goes without. She hasn't had a real bath or shower for a long long time. In a nursing home I know she would get one. I try my best but I just can't move or move mom to get to wash her properly. She screams at the home health aids and told them to get out. They stopped coming and immediately left so that didn't work. My father before he died last year was in a nursing home. He didn't want to go but once he was there he started to improve. He had activities and he could be around people. He received the right kinds of meals and theraphy. I was happy he was there. The only thing that didn't make me happy was that I am poor and was not able to go and see him because he was in New York and I am in Florida. I would of loved to be in the same town to go see him.
Be happy that she is in a safe place. Just go see her whenever you can and let her know that you love her. I think crying is a good thing it gets out a lot of stress we have. I do a lot of crying sometimes I can't control myself and cry right in front of mom. Wish I was stronger. This site helps a lot because we are all going through the same experience with this disease. You know you are not alone and others care about you. What's nice is that they truly listen and give you good advice. Take care and be strong. God bless you and keep you safe.

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I am new to this site and blog and I don't know if I am even doing this right. But I am at the end of my rope. The guilt that I feel is unbarable. I placed my mom in a nursing home 5 years ago after being with us in our home for 6 years. Mom came to live with us because during a visit here, she had a seizure because her heart rate went down to 20. She went to the hospital and received a pacemaker. Also received all new doctors and that's when we asked her to live with us. The docs told us that she could go anytime because her heart was so fragile. (2 previous by pass surgeries) We lived in fear all the time. Then she started to go down hill mentally. I could go into it all but that's not why I'm here today. I placed her in a nursing home 5 years ago and after three years moved her to a different one because of abuse. She has breast cancer stage 4 and is in very bad condition. Hospice comes in 3 times per week and she is on strong pain killers. I can't stand it. My heart is breaking. I cry and cry and cry. I feel so guilty. I feel as though if I had not placed her in a home and kept her with me she would be better off. I know now that I could not take care of her in her current condition. I just don't know how to live with myself. How can I get past this? Or can I? Please help if you have gone through a similar situation and found a way to cope.

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Hi tilt,

Thank you very much for your question. I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you are currently in, that sounds very difficult.

Here is a discussion that is all about feeling caregiver guilt: Guilt.

You may also find this Ask & Answer page helpful as well: How do I stop feeling guilty about suggesting to put Mom in hospice?

I hope that helps.

Take care, Emily | Community Manager

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Not knowing your circumstances, I can only tell you how I managed my guilt - I took my 91-year-old mum home. We put her hospital bed right in our livingroom, so she doesn't miss anything. She's stuck in bed 24-7. We arranged for hospice care. It's been over a year, but the nurse comes once a week and the doctor writes the prescriptions. We use my mother's income to pay for nurse's aides to stay with her when we leave the house... much cheaper than a nursing home. I am not a nurse or a nurse's aide, but I observed various techniques when Mum was temporarily in nursing homes over the years. I find this so much easier than worrying about what nursing home personnel are doing or not doing when I'm not there. Sure it's role reversal to have to bathe and change Mum, but I have peace of mind. Perhaps not everyone could do it, but I didn't think I could until an aide handed me her phone number at the hospital. Mum has never had a bed sore in my house!

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I too feel guilt at having my husband of 51 years in an assisted living facility. But he was not safe at home and doctors wanted him placed immediately. We were asked not to see him for one month so he could get used to new routines etc. It has worked beautifully. The staff are wonderful and he attends most activities. I am seeking a support group to help me with the grieving process and am blessed with a supportive family and church. I am able to visit him 2 times a week and we enjoy our time together. I will keep you posted.

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Crystal I know how guilty you must feel and if I didn't have my husbands support and physical strength to help me take care of my dad, he would be in a nursing home too. I thank God everyday that we can take care of him, he's 98 1/2 but can't walk too well as he has Parkinson's,COPD,Dementia and 2 hearing aids! He uses the belted Depends and it is hard to see him at home all day basically by himself with nothing to do. My husband works at home and makes him Lunch and sits with him a couple of times a day, but I wish my older retired sister would come down to sit with him, but refuses as she has too much to do? We promised dad that we would not put him in a nursing home as long as we could take care of him. It has been almost 6 years and we take him with us everywhere, but our lives are put on hold for now. We are trying to get him set up with a daycare a couple of days a week, but his life is better than if he was in a home other than ours. I do not look forward to what you are going thru and I hope the Dear Lord takes him before that happens.

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I am also going through this same guilt.My mother has been in an assisted living after 3 years and was recently taken to the hospital followed by a nursing home stay. Within the coming week, I am deciding if she should return to the assisted living, move her to another one, be in a senior living apartment with a live in or stay at a nursing home.The emergency hospital calls are coming more like once a month rather than every 3 months and I feel guilty that I cannot take care of her. I am physcially and emotionally exhausted and I cannot think clear. Is a nursing home such a bad thing? Some of them seem to give the care that so many people need. Right now I feel that I am losing control of the whole situation. This website has been wonderful to read.

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