How should I handle my mother in law trying to take over the caregiving of my husband?
Answers
Having a husband who is ill and may have leukemia must be very tough. My heart goes out to you. The feelings you are having are complex enough and in addition you are dealing with equally complex feelings by your husband and by his mother. This can be a difficult time. Both you and his mother want to be great caregivers to your husband and to maximize the time and efforts to be made. Conflict can often arise in these circumstances. I would encourage you to not include your husband in the issues of dealing with his mother as this will cause an additional conflict for him at a time when he needs all the strength and support possible.
One way to minimize his mother telling you and your husband what to do is to be on the offensive with her. Keep her informed and be proactive in sharing issues, reports from doctor’s visits, etc. She wants the best for her son and is having a difficult time coping with his illness. Most folks can deal with the issues of ill health for the aged, but have trouble dealing with the issues of a sick child or younger person. Perhaps the reason that she is less attentive to her mother is that she is at peace with the aging process and is not at peace with her son’s illness. Try to extend her as much grace as you can and find things for her to do that will keep her focused and busy and part of the process, but not overwhelming to you or your husband.
I'd just like to add a point to Ms. Koffend's excellent remarks. Please try to keep in mind that your mother-in-law is in a "sandwich" situation here that she probably never envisioned, or if she did, it was her worst possible nightmare. One can intellectually accept the idea of one's parent dying, especially if s/he has been dealing with her parent's illness for some time. If I'm remembering my college psychology course right, dealing with the death of a child is just about the highest stressor we humans can experience.
Your m-i-l needs to have a sense of control, that she's doing SOMETHING for her child. If there is something you can delegate to her, that she'd be in charge of UNDER YOUR GUIDANCE, it might give her that sense AND relieve you of one more task in your increasing burden. Maybe she can research treatment options or run errands or cook meals.
Another thought: If your husband has siblings, you might want to speak to them about this as well. They would have many more years of experience dealing with your m-i-l and might have some good suggestions.
In prayer that your worst fears are unfounded, Sarah Malkah
