My mother visits the cemetery everyday and talks to dad, when should I start to worry about her?

Your mother is expressing her grief in a way that gives many individuals comfort – visiting the graveside of a loved one she’s lost. Talking to dead loved ones helps See also:
My dad just died, what do I do?

See all 106 questions about Grief and Loss some survivors move through the stages of grief, even though they’d admit that their loved ones aren’t really “there.” Interestingly, the Jewish faith provides for family and friends to sit beside mourners to empathize with them during a grieving process that takes months and years.

You haven’t mentioned whether your mother lost your father after a long illness or suddenly. Either way, spouses can find it difficult to absorb the reality of the loss of their loved ones. Experts report that it can sometimes take months for partners to understand their husbands or wives are really gone after death.

Visiting a grave can be a way to try to remain connected to those who’ve died. Spouses may also feel comfortable expressing their deep emotion at a cemetery after the death of a loved one.

One key to healthy grieving is to help survivors talk about their loss and work through stages of grief:

1. Offer to visit the gravesite with your mother and encourage her to talk about memories of your father.

2. Ask your mother’s friends and your siblings to talk with her about positive memories of your father.

3. Encourage your mother to seek counseling to help express her grief.

4. Allow your mother time to move through the various stages of grief that can include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Be concerned about your mother if she begins to exhibit symptoms of depression. Of course, some level of depression is to be expected after the loss of a spouse. But becoming “stuck” or demonstrating a wide range of symptoms can signal clinical depression. If you have these concerns, seek the advice of a medical professional. Look for a number of the following symptoms, exhibited over a period of weeks or months:

1. Feeling sad, empty, or tearful most of the day

2. Significant loss of interest in activities that were previously part of daily life

3. Significant weight loss or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite

4. Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much

5. Fatigue or loss of energy

6. Agitation or slowed thoughts

7. Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions

8. Thinking or talking about death or suicide

If your mother begins to exhibit a number of the above symptoms over a prolonged period of time, consult a health professional.

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Ms. Beach Thank you this is helpful. Dad did have a long illness. They where married for 55 years. He was the center of her world. Her beaning care taker 24/7 for 3 years. She is lost so she goes where she saw him last. "She will say thing live your Dad said hi." I refuse to play into that. I will tell her He didn't He isn't there. She will reply I know he isn't he is with me. I'll reply yes his memory is in your heart. But my true worry is that she goes everyday & stays for hours. She wont let us change anything in the house but she says she can't stay there. (During the day)but she wont come to any of our home ether. I will keep close check on her. Thank you, Jakki

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It is normal to mourn, after so long a life together, with love and caring. Grieving is a process. Time heals. I would just be there for her, and indulge, and help her through the process. Each person is different, in terms of time frame, and each person progresses through the steps at their own pace. I would not worry at so early a stage. Just be suportive. When my mother died, I was totally lost, and couldn't do much for three months (my mother lived with me, died at age 93). Now I still miss her a lot, but have progressed and started to rebuild. When my father died, 12 years before that, my mother and I grieved together, and it also took a lot of time. Eventually we moved on to life without my father.

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i think she is fine, let her grive in her own way, my husband passed away 9 yrs. ago, i lived within 2 miles of the gravesite, i also spent a lot of time "talking" to him..i slowiy stopped going everyday.But i did go thur depression..all i wanted to do was talke about the good times we had, but no one wanted to talk about the past, just the future and i wasn't ready yet. but i got thur the depression, but it takes time. and more time. God Bless

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Your mother is fine. I don't go there and talk to my late husband everyday. But I still go there to talk to him or my best friend who died two weeks ago. You or I can't say what she is or isn't hearing. There have been times in the laast two weeks that I have heard their answers to problems. I live within block of the grave sights.

I will be heading there today "easter". I am alone and need to talk to someone to work out a problem. If an answer comes who is to say how?? Your mother like me was a 24 hr a day caregiver. Right now she might be feeling that her life has no meaning without him.

She needs you to support her. Don't critizise her. Things will work out. Give her time. She is going through depression. Anyone that says that didn't is a lier. She probably isn't working since she was a caregiver for 3 yeaars. It takes time to develop new outlets. If she is at all like me she is also having trouble dealing with everyday tasks. Just love her as she is. She needs you now.

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This is for the mother who just lost her husband a month ago and visits the cemetery daily. Right now I would support in your mother's actioin to speak to your father, even though she and you know he is not there. It is more of an expression within herself she is expressing outwardly. I worked in a cemetery for years and sometimes I would see the same woman came twice a day everyday and stay for around an hour at a time. This went on for close to six or seven months. Then she slowed down and then she came on Memorial Day. Your mother is adjusting within her soul. She is letting out what ever she feels is necessary to say. She is closing her door but not so to speak, taking the key away. The key represents memories the door closing is closure. She will be fine. Maybe if you can, join in with her or let her know you understand. Then she will begin to feel her purpose is completed and her heart has spoken out for the last time. And life goes on but the key will always allow her to never lock the door that she can visit from time to time in life to even smile, laugh out loud, meditate on, share with or just plain remember. Healthiness for one to heal may be different to each person, but the main point is to come out of the hurt and emptiness feeling full of special memories.

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Excellent answers. Let your mother go on grieving in her own way, but be there for her and watch out for her mental and physical health, as you have been advised by the other answers. As a care-giver 24-7 for 3 years, she has suddenly lost her job! What else is she to do with her time? Eventually, she will be able to stay home - where he was for so long and now is not. And eventually, she will be able to find other activities for her time and energies. But right now she needs to do this. Piver

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