How do I help my mother cope with my father's death?
As you know too well, you are pinned in a difficult spot. At 91, your mother may not be amenable to traditional kinds of treatment such as grief therapy. And she may lack the energy for activities such as volunteering or exercising that help many people get new perspectives on mourning and loss.
And your mother has also lived to an age at which she's likely witnessed many friends, neighbors, and family members die before her -- and that may add to any feelings of despondency and isolation.
Still, for people of any age and stage, time helps ease the pain of losing a loved one. In the meantime, gently help her recall and replant the good times your mother and father shared -- perhaps by looking at family photos together. Older people who lose a spouse are often particularly plagued by a sense of regret and guilt over missed connections and mistakes, which can make grief more difficult to process.
Then slowly help your mother reconnect to people and activities that will help her become hopeful about going forward in her current life.
Bear in mind that you will likely need to make plenty of time to listen to reminiscing, provide company to ease her new loneliness, and to ease new feelings of insecurity and vulnerability she may have -- especially around issues your father may have traditionally handled, such as finances or housing.
I am in a pretty similar situation. My father dies last September after 61 yrs. of marriage to my mother. She is now liviing with me because I wanted to be there for her around the clock. I have tried many of these things, but she has been sitting in pajamas way, way before my father died. He was trying to take care of her, but when I moved her here, I noticed piles of bags with everything from clothing to pillows to you name it. She used to shop yrs. ago and I never knew the extent of everything she bought. It was usually "hidden". I feel the loss of my dad every day and wish I had helped more or knew more. When I was growing up, he did everything pretty much annd when he was at work I did most everything. What does anyone have to say to help me understand this? It is so lonely every day. I'm afraid to try to work as she has made it clear she can't be alone. There's nothing physically wrong with her at 77. But I'm not sure how much more isolation I can take. No one else comes to see her or rarely calls. Gee, I wonder why? Thank you!!
I think the best way is to give her time. When she cries, tell her that everything is gonna be allright and that everything happens for a reason. God has a reason for taking him away from your mother and you.
Dear hugs4me, I've been dealing withsomewhat of a same situation. My father passed 2 yrs ago, mother is 88 and she wants to die. She cannot accept her situation (until there is accceptance NOTHING can be done). We have tried everything and every avenues out there and she adamently refuses all. Now, I'm practicing tough love and it's still has no effects. Your mother has NO RIGHTS to keep you from having a life because SHE chooses not to have one. This sounds harsh but you cannot help someone if they don't want to help themselves!! This is called "detachment with love". I still check on her and talk to her, I've given up on the rest because it makes me crazy. Now, I just sit and wait for that imminent phone call that something bad happened. I can honestly tell myself that I've done everything I could and now it is entirely up to her.
