My mother thinks I should be available to her 24/7. I live with her. I need a break for my own sanity. How do I deal with this? She can be very abusive.
Expert Answer by Connie Matthiessen
You have two different problems, it seems to me, and both need addressing. The first problem is that you need regular breaks from your caregiving duties. The second problem is that your mother's behavior is unacceptable.
In general terms, both these problems have the same solution: you need to develop some boundaries to protect yourself from caregiver burnout, and abusive treatment.
What would such boundaries look like? First of all, you need to make it clear to your mother that she cannot talk to you in a rude or belittling way. The best way to do this is by speaking directly about how you would like to be treated. Avoid accusations, threats or guilt trips, as this will only put your mother on the defensive. Instead, use "I" statements to make it clear that you love her and are committed to caring for her, but that you expect to be treated with respect and courtesy.
As part of this discussion, you can also make it clear that you need and intend to begin taking regular breaks from caregiving. Before you sit down to talk to your mother, do some research on respite care, senior centers and other caregiving resources in your community. You can get started by contacting your local Area Agency on Aging. Have this material on hand when you talk to your mother, and present her with options so she'll have choices about what type of caregiving arrangements she's comfortable with.
Do not let yourself get derailed if your mother resists your attempts to take time for yourself. As a caregiver, you need regular breaks to pursue your own interests, see friends, or simply relax and do nothing. IIn fact, if you continue at your current pace, you are at risk of becoming ill, burned out and/or seriously depressed. You will be a far better caregiver if you have the opportunity to regularly refresh yourself and recharge your batteries.
You may need help and support to change what sounds like a long-standing dynamic between you and your mother. If you talk to your mother and she continues to act abusively toward you, or/and if she refuses to allow anyone else to care for her so you can have some time off, I'd advise you to see a therapist or mediator to help you resolve this issue.
Answer
I don't know if I have an answer but I understand what you are talking about because I'm in the same boat. My mom expexts me to do everything for her. I can't sit down or do something for myself unless she is sleeping. The visiting nurse told me that I was an enabler and that I have to just say no.! But to do this I get all stressed out because I know that she will argue with me. So i grin and bare it. I have alot of health issues myself but she dosen't understand. Maybe you can give me some advise?
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