My mom and her Assisted Living do not get along...

I don't have any suggestions for getting her to stop self-transferring, but I do have a suggestion for determining the best setting for her: ask her where she wants to See also:
Planning a Move to Assisted Living or a Nursing Home be. You might be surprised by her response and it could save you a lot of unnecessary back and forth. Plus if you can gather this information from your mom it would be the first step in getting her to work with you to stay there.

That said, in reading your question it's not difficult to see why your mother might regard her existence as miserable - I'd be miserable and I think anyone would be bouncing from one setting to another having to rely on others for the most basic and private of tasks like toileting. While we'll never know her true motive for trying to do things on her own a part of me thinks she may do it because she really doesn't want to need the assistance and may not have accepted that she truly does.

Also, you're probably right about the assisted living getting fed up sooner rather than later and asking her to leave; she presents a huge liability by not following the rule. However, if you want to try once more to make this work I'd suggest finding out which attendant she has the best relationship with at the assisted living and asking if she can be the one to respond to her calls. I can promise you that your mother is more likely to call for the help of someone she likes rather than someone she doesn't.

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Just a follow-up, as I came here today for more advice. My mother loves to feel/act victimized and as we, her children, and her assisted living facility (who is REALLY trying to make this work, for her) make changes in her situation (the latest being moving her to a room closer to the attendant's desk, in hopes of providing faster responses to her needs WHILE keeping an eye on her for falling), she is trying to make us feel like we're "picking" on her and ruining her life. (That was a long sentence, sorry.) And we're just trying to keep her safe. She's in an expensive and VERY nice assisted living home.

Ms. Lipani suggests we ask her where she wants to be -- we don't have to, she volunteers it constantly, and it's to live with one of us. That is not physically or emotionally possible, and we've tried to make that clear to her as we try to get her to make the most of the reality of her life.

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Me again - this is a further QUESTION, not an answer.

Soon after my last post, she self-transferred, fell, and broke an ankle, spending her 90th birthday stuck in bed in the nursing home.

Back to assisted living after about a month, and she claims to be more cautious, but is still self-transferring. Her attitude is better, but it's almost like she's DEFIANT about moving herself, despite falls that should prove to her that it's not a good idea.

Lately, she claims that staff at her place is telling her, when she calls for assistance, that they think she can move herself, so she should go ahead. Management and nursing says that this would certainly NOT be the case -- that staff KNOWS that she needs to be helped. How do we know who is telling the truth? I know it's highly possible that someone there doesn't feel like being bothered with her, and so tells her to handle it herself, but I cannot prove it. I also know that it's highly possible that she CLAIMS to call for help but does not.

Advice?

Thanks

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