How do I cope living with an aging parent?
You're in a difficult situation, but don't wait until you develop an ulcer to do something about it. Your mother has no right to make you unhappy in your own home, and you need to let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.
In a quiet moment, sit down with your mother and in a nonconfrontational way, tell her how you feel. Explain to her that she's entitled to "have a temper" and to "do whatever she wants" in the privacy of her own home, but she is living with you now, and you insist on being treated with respect and civility. Use "I" statements, and try to remain calm, but don't let her bully you. It isn't pleasant to have someone blow-up at you, but if you can withstand the storm and continue to press your point, you may be able to get through to her.
If talking frankly with your mother doesn't work, then you should consider seeing a therapist or mediator together. You may also want to consult your mother's physician. If your mother's behavior is atypical for her, she could be depressed, or suffering from dementia or other health problems. If counseling doesn't work and her behavior isn't related to any problems that can be remedied, you should probably explore alternative living arrangement for your mother, because this one clearly isn't working out.
What you're dealing with must be extremely difficult and I understand this by watching my family members deal with similar issues, it really can be a day to day strain. I am familiar with a company called AgingParents.com. They deal with people such as yourself who need support in dealing with their aging parents. They have a book that you may find insight in titled, The Boomers Guide To Aging Parents. There is a chapter in this book titled, How to Handle Family Conflicts and I think you may find this chapter especially insightful. Here is a link to the book:
http://www.agingparents.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=202&Itemid=58
I have a great amount of respect for this company and their experience and if you need further help, feel free to contact them.
Best Wishes, Nicole
jonesnicole@rocketmail.com
Kay, God bless you...i am in the same exact situation...instead of my mother getting angry, she retreats, purses her lips and remains silent with "i'm fine" as her only response. I have come to the conclusion that I am her caregiver at this point and not really her daughter any more. She has been living with me for 4 years. When I switch my hat, my expectations of her also switches and that makes it a bit easier to let things just slide and not to spend so much time worrying about my every little word or action. I am married and have 2 children still at home. I have very clear boundaries...I check on her at least once per day to make sure she is okay and if I get a chance to visit more or I need to talk with her I do it. If not, I do not pursue her. This is not the relationship I thought I would have or desire to have but it does take two to have a relationship that is healthy and she either doesn't know how to do it or doesn't want to do it. I am at the stage of recognizing that I must balance what she needs from me, with what I want to accomplish in my own life as well as the time and energy my husband and children need from me. I try to leave the guilt aside...I just don't have enough energy for everything. So, in a nutshell...consider making a list of what are the minimum requirements you feel you can give...ie. time, attention, activity...and then stick to it...anything above and beyond that will need to come from her. So..I have decided for me...checking on her once a day is a minimum...preferrably in the morning...just to make sure she is up and okay. Another minimum is that I tell her when I leave the house, just so she knows I am not there and I generally ask if she needs anything. On short shopping trips, I may ask her to join me. Sometimes she says yes, sometimes no. I do not ask her to go with me when I want to meander around or make unscheduled stops...that has not been profitable for us in the past. Find your line and then stay on your side...you can still love her, reach out to her, encourage her...but do it in a way that doesn't strangle you by getting caught up in the line!! I hope this is helpful...It has helped me to write it! May God bless our efforts to take care of the widowed!!!
Hi Kay,
I am exactly in the same situation as you. I have my 84 year old mother living with me, and I can not seem to do nothing which pleases her - you know the old saying 'dammed if you do, dammed if you don't' well that is how I'm feeling. On top of the nasty behaviour, I also have the time constraints comments ie. if I take longer than she anticipates (away from the house), she explodes at me and wants to know what happened, why I'm late, why I didn't call etc. I am at the stage where I love my mother, but unfortuntely I am at the stage where I don't like her (which from where I am sitting is very sad). People tell me that I have to take time for myself - and I'm sure you have been told the same, but it is a lot easier than it sounds. On top of looking after my mother, I also have a very stressful full time job, a 3 hour / week part time job and studying - I must admit, I am at the stage where I don't know what to do. I have set the house up with her stuff around her (with no assistance - but with a lot if negative comments and attitude which I found very difficult). I no longer listen to my music (she doesn't like it), and I have found that I no longer have any of my friends calling around (she has been nasty to them too). My mother will also not leave the house unless I take her, so again I feel there is added pressure. I don't know what the answers are, however it has given me strength to know that I am not the only person going through this stuff.
Good luck - from one carer to another xoxo
