Who has legal rights to cremains?
Your state, Illinois, has a very specific law controlling who is entitled to control a deceased person’s cremated remains, also known as cremains.
It provides that the following people, in the order listed, have the right to control them:
- a person the deceased person designated in writing
- the executor or legal representative of the estate, acting according to direction in the will
- a spouse, and then
- the majority of surviving competent adult children.
So unless your spouse left other instructions for distributing his cremains, in either his will or another writing, you are legally entitled to keep them as you see fit.
Take some time to explain to the children why you feel as you do and ask them to respect your beliefs. But also understand that they may find it personally important to have some lasting memento of their father. You might find out whether there is some other object they might enjoy having: perhaps a favorite book, hat, fishing pole, or golf club.
I actually read a very interesting report on Wikipedia regarding religious reasons for and against cremation. Did you know that some Christians believe that you should not cremate because of the ideo/theology of the Resurrection? therefore I would think long and hard as to why you want to deny them having the ashes of the bones of the deceased. If you cannot quote specifically according to your "specific" religious belief as to why you are denying them, then I feel you are being mean spirited and resentful. Vengeance is mine said the Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do. may God forgive you.
I think that it is very important that the heart of the matter is looked at. For years there have been conflicting issues between step families. The new wife may feel threatened by her husband's children because she wants to be "first" in her husbands life. This is a normal feeling for any woman. A woman does not want to feel as though she falls 3rd in line when it comes to her husband's love and priorities. Even the childs natural mother wouldn't like this. At the same time, children may feel "pushed aside" when their father marries another woman. Thus, they may feel that this woman is "taking" their father away from them. Of course, no child should ever be made to feel this way. But...because of apparent jealousy issues, there tends to be a tug-of-war over dad's love and affection between the new step mom and children. This can go on throughout the lifespan of the new family system and unfortunately, tends to continue on after death. Although a spouse has the "legal" right over her husbands cremains, his children and their feelings should not be disregarded. This only continues on with the tug-of-war syndrome.
It is important to understand that we are talking about two kinds of love here. The love that a man has for his wife is completely different than the love that he has for his children. Although the love is different, they both hold equal value to the husband/father. In other words, there is enough love to go around for both his new wife as well as his children. Ma'am, your husband loved you immensely, but he loved his children very much, too.
As far as sharing your husbands cremains and your spiritual values, if you read your bible, you will see that Jesus always chose mercy over the law. There are many passages of Scripture proving this point. Read the whole chapter of Luke 6 and you will see for yourself. Luke 6:2-4 "And some of the Pharisees said to them, "Why are you doing what IS NOT LAWFUL to do on the Sabbath?" But Jesus answering them (in the disciples defense) said, "have you not even read this, what David did when he was hungry, he and those who were with him; "how he went into the house of God, took and ate the show-bread, and also gave some to those with him, which is not lawful for any but the priest to eat?"
...Scripture proves that Jesus chose mercy over keeping the laws and customs much of the time. People were not made for the law, but the law was only meant to be a tutor to guide people into righteousness. When Jesus came to earth, the law was fulfilled and no longer needed because we are now under grace and the law of liberty - but we are not to take that liberty as a means to give us permission to sin. But again...we are not "bound" to laws anymore.
In the case of sharing the cremains, do you think that Jesus would break the heart of this man's children just to keep the law?... If a person truly knows the merciful heart of God, they would know that Jesus doesn't do this sort of thing.
I would say to find a way to make his children feel loved and to recognize that "in truth" - apart from the laws of this country, they hold a "position" as his biological children. This position should not be denied any less than your position as his widow.
Barb Pierce., M.S. Counseling Psychology
Most cremation societies have on display tiny versions of the urns for the cremains. When my Dad passed on, I had a tiny urn filled for my Mom (who had dementia) and for my brother. Now that Mom has passed on, I had one tiny urn filled for my brother and the rest of Mom is in a big urn on the piano that she bought for me when I was 8 years old and she started me on lessons. Some folks want part of themselves scattered in woods, or on bodies of water that have meaning to them. Some have their loved ones pressed into jewelry. Your late husband's children deserve your consideration. The cremains are just that, what is left behind. Surely your memories of your husband are what you treasure the most. Let the kids have tiny urns of him, to feel that he is with them still. Peace be with you.
I can understand the widow's concern about splitting up the ashes of her husband. My husband's children asked for nothing (once they knew there was no money), but when I made my husband's choices at Neptune Society (NS), arranging his cremation and disposition of his cremains, I took his children into account. Since My husband was a retired SSG in the US Army, I had some ashes put into a small statue that NS had which was an Eagle landing on a small tree with a US Flag draped on it - his son's each received one of those. For his daughter, I chose a small statue of a dolphin riding a wave with a small turtle and a couple starfish (he and I loved to snorkle in Jamaica). For myself, I have a square brushed nickel box that is about 10 square inches and about 3 inches high, which spins on a lazy susan type base. On top of that I have a life-size starfish which holds a small amount of his cremains. At some point, I will scatter the bulk of his ashes in Jamaica (whenever I can afford to go there), but until then, he is with me.
Personally, I do not worry about some of his cremains being scattered in different place, because Heavenly Father will resurrect us with complete whole perfect bodies when the time comes - Earthly limitations do not apply to the resurrection. However, I do recognize that this is my personal belief, so Vonna in Illinois is allowed to have her own beliefs - Keep your husband's ashes in the urn. Let the children know that they may fight over the ashes once you are gone, and make sure you have this covered in your estate plan.
