i'm thinking of having some sort of open-house or get together BEFORE my husband dies. I would like him to hear some fond memories people have of him or things he did that people will remember him for. No use having people he doesn't see often come to a funeral and say some of these nice things when he's dead. Do you have an opinion on this?
Expert Answer by Barbara Kate Repa
This is a beautiful idea, and I applaud you for embracing it.
There are no absolute rights or wrongs here, but I have been to a few such events, and can offer only the advice that you already know: Make it a gathering that will have special meaning to your husband.
I recall one lovely tribute held for a hunter at a Moose Lodge -- complete with moose heads -- that was held for a hunter two weeks before he died of brain cancer. When the same site was used a couple years later for an environmentalist friend, it seemed like a jarringly bad fit.
The gathering will naturally become a good fit for your husband if you talk with him about his wishes and the guest list beforehand. Also think about serving his favorite foods, playing his favorite music, and asking a few of his friends and relatives from different walks of life to come ready to speak briefly. That will likely help loosen the lips of others who might want to say a few words. Or if it will be a smallish gathering, the invitation might ask each guest to come with a favorite memory to share.
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I am an old Hospice nurse and can tell you that celebrating someone's life before they are gone makes perfect sense. If they are able to express their wishes they should tell you how they want it done. People celebrate life differently and making assumptions is never good. This a very therapuetic event for the patient and the family members if they are accepting of the pending death. It might be hard for someone who may not want to admit that death is imminent but they might not be opposed if you explain that it is a celebration of life even though it will help all with closure.
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I love the idea. Knowing my husband had Alzheimer's, we planned and held a big anniversary party where we all talked about his achievements. Each of our three children spoke first. Many old friends from his business were there and others actually flew in. Many took the podium and told funny stories and shared memories. It was wonderful. We have a DVD of it so we can remember and we have played it often over the years. It was the best idea we had. Now, he is not able to be at such a party and is in hospice. I am so thankful that we have these memories to continue to share.
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