Is It Normal to Wish I Could End My Own Life After My Loved One Has Died?
In a word, yes. A lot of people don't like to admit that, in the aftermath of their loss, they wish they could end their own life, but that just might be the most undocumented response to grief.
Scratch below the surface, and you'll often hear people make this important distinction: They don't really want to kill themselves; they just wish they could be dead. What they seem to want most is an immediate way to end their pain after someone close has died.
If you find yourself wishing you could be dead, ask yourself whether it's an occasional passing thought or an idea that's really starting to take hold. If you're devising a true plan for suicide or are becoming preoccupied with the idea, that's sufficient reason to be alarmed. And if you've moved toward a more active plan to end your life -- thinking about or planning the how, when, and where -- you need outside assistance immediately. If you're not already under the care of a physician or counselor, contact a suicide hotline, dial 911, or go to the nearest hospital for help. If your yearning to be dead is less constant, more benign, ask yourself why you're experiencing the thoughts in the first place.
Here's a partial list of reasons some mourners develop a death wish:
Right now, it feels much harder to be alive.
Your own physical, emotional, or spiritual health is compromised.
Financial struggles in the aftermath of a beloved's death seem too difficult.
There's way too much to do as a result of someone's death.
It's hard to manage or contain the flood of emotions.
Strife among family members or other mourners is too stressful.
You're involved in legal battles resulting from the death.
It's hard to imagine resuming "normal" life or going back to work.
The pain of separation from the deceased is just too hard.
If you're experiencing one or more of these responses, it's likely that you're feeling overwhelmed, and it's normal to seek an escape when feeling that way. Some people turn to drugs, alcohol, or other compulsive behaviors to achieve a temporary escape from their myriad feelings of grief.
You might also be missing the deceased so deeply that you're saying to yourself or others something like, "If he's not around, I don't want to be around, either."
For most grievers, these death wishes truly are temporary. And even though it's hard to admit these feelings to others, that may actually be the best medicine. If the thoughts fester inside, they have more opportunity to grow and gain strength. But if you air them to other people, their darkness is neutralized.
It might also be useful to journal or make a list of "Reasons to Go On." Or you might find it helpful to repeat a soothing phrase, such as "This too shall pass" or whatever feels right for you.
I understand it all. THE man for me died this past[ New Year's Day at my parents' home. I had to move. We had no children, & his family has NOT reached out to me at all. I am not so happily medicated though it has helped me to some degree. My parents don't seem to understand how, why & most especially why I am SOOOO down when he's been gone almost a year now. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to get out, go to church, meet new people, & all of these things which I have absolutely ZERO interest in doing. I want to die as well, but if I were to kill myself, I don't feel as though I would be with MY Paul again. Also, since MY Paul has died, I have broken multiple bones in my foot. I have broken my right little finger, & my life has been like this since birth. I have very fleeting & NEVER enduring & long-lasting moments of happiness. I DO have a counselor that I generally see once a week. I am SOOOO at a loss as to what to do with myself. At the age of 44, I have no children & only a dog that MY Paul had planned on aquiring after we had moved into the house that we were in the process of getting financing when he died. I KNOW that my family loves me & only wants the best for me. They just don't know how help, I don't think. My counselor tells me that the length of the "grieving" process varies from individual to individual. I just want the loneliness, sadness & these awful feelings to go away. I KNOW I will never forget him, & though I do NOT want to go on, I KNOW I must. I just don't know how or where to even begin. - CLL
There is a difference between grieving and suisidal depression. When you lose a loved one, especially one of many years or one you are so enmeshed with, your world just came crashing down and everything as you knew it has changed and you keep wishing it never happened.
Giving yourself time is essential but there comes a time when people use the grief to not deal with living. Living means dealing with a new life, responsibiities and doing things alone. Living means not wasting your life any further in grief too. Miss someone terrible sure but to stop you from living a quality life and contributing to this world is wrong.
Take baby steps, make a plan and put it down in writing and then implement - start simple and build up. (For me, just going to get the mail was a huge deal but each step you take, makes the next easier.)
Include some things you've wanted to do for years - I call it my Adventure List and I try to do a couple of things on it every year - even alone if no one will do it with me. The more I do, the more I can do and the better life becomes.
Anytime we lose our partner we feel alone, lost,cheated, angry,and wonder why go on there's nothing worth living for, I'd rather be dead than be without my husband/wife. We've all felt that, but you have to let go. As long as you refuse to let go it hurts and gets worse, and you will never heal. Keep all the memories they are yours, they give you strength. I read a poem that explains it best. A Mother cried every day and night after her daughter died. She said,I dream of her every night, I ask God, WHY!I see her in heaven with her wings in a play ground with other little Angels, they are so happy playing and laughing. But my little girl is sitting all alone and so sad with tears streaming down her cheeks. WHY! God said, she is sad and crying and can't do any of the thing the other Angels are doing. Because You Won't Let Her Go! It was very hard for me to let my husband go, but when I realized he was willing to suffer trying to hang on for me. I told him Honey it's okay, I'll be alright, you go on home GOd's waiting. He took a very small quiet breath and was gone. You have to let go, for him and for you. Only then will you start to heal.
Thank you, Patricia. I sincerely DO appreciate your words of advice, more than you will EVER EVER know. Life &/or living has just become soooo hard lately. The anniversary of MY Paul's death will be New Year's day, 2011, two years, & I am merely on "auto pilot." Most people call it life &/or living while I call it "existing." Thanks all the same, but there are other extenuating circumstances that make my life much, much worse that I see no need into elaborating on, most especially in a public forum such as this. Again, thanks all the same. I am VERY, VERY much in debt to you & your wisdom, but I don't think it is applicable to me. - m(R)barneybutt
Your observation and reply is 100% correct. I have experienced the same with my own people.
Bhattacharya
After my granfather died about 4 jears ago I also felt as if I wanted to kill myself. I still feel like that. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. So yes it is compleatly normal. And I am so sorry to hear about your loved one.
For Ms.Barney, I would say that this sounds more like complicated grief, especially if it continues for a year or more. Maybe that's something worth looking into?
