Is it OK to wish that my father would just hurry up and die? I'm caring for a parent who is dying from emphysema. That is not the hard part. The hard part is that he is a very angry, controlling person. He has also racked up $15,000 in debt that my brother and I will inherit. He is very hard to live with and I find myself just wishing he'd hurry up and die so that I don't have to deal with his miserable attitude and behavior anymore.
Expert Answer by Ken Robbins, M.D.
There is nothing “wrong” with having such feelings. It is very difficult to control feelings, and the feelings themselves hurt no one, but perhaps you. It sounds like you have plenty of reason to be angry with your father, and based on the depth of your frustration; I suspect the problems with him date back many years. Under the best of circumstances, it is very challenging to take care of a dying parent. When you feel the parent has not been there for you, has not been kind or caring with you, it takes incredible discipline to be a helpful caregiver. Sometimes it feels impossible; you are being asked to draw on accounts that are bankrupt. I would suggest both for your sake and perhaps to benefit your father as well, that you have a frank, dispassionate discussion with him. Perhaps there is a way to heal some of the wounds he has inflicted by talking with him in an honest manner and asking him basic questions to help you understand why he behaves as he does. It may be that such a discussion will give you some insights into what makes him tick, and that will help improve what time you have left together. Furthermore, you may gain new insights into yourself. Our parents are incorporated into our sense of who we are. If you don’t come to understand him and make sense of the way he treats you, you are likely to continue to struggle with bad feelings about him and perhaps yourself, even after he dies.
Given the tremendous frustration you feel with him, I would suggest you consider meeting with a mental health professional, perhaps first by yourself. You may find such a professional can help you gain understanding about the feelings you have about your father and may be able to participate in the discussion with you and your father. It is best for this discussion to not simply be an opportunity for you to express your anger. That will only distance him and lead to more defensiveness and poor behavior. The mental health professional could help make the discussion more productive for you.
If your father refuses to meet with you and a mental health professional, perhaps there is someone else you both trust, who could help facilitate a useful discussion between the two of you. Candidates might include a religious figure, an old friend, or another relative. Ideally, this discussion will help put your father’s behavior into some perspective so that after he dies you don’t feel guilty and the feelings you have about him do not continue to interfere with your happiness.
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I believe it is OK to think those thoughts (and I'm old and crotchety). After all he is very ill and will not help himself. Just don't feel guilty once he does die; it is not your fault. It is important for you to remember that your father's estate is responsible for his debts NOT you or your brother. What he owes may eat into any inheritance but it will not come out of your check book.
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everyone is right. Don't beat yourself up. Also remember your Dad is an adult and can be held accountable for his abusive behavior. Remember your father made decisions as an adult that put him in this position. Mine did also. If you wouldn't tolerate this behavior from others don't tolerate it from him either. say "Dad your behavior is unacceptable." when he rants leave the room. say 'I'll be back when you can speak in a civil tone." Let him stew and cuss and carry on alone. When you are up for furthering the discussion, return and proceed.Rinse, Repeat When he switches to snide remarks remind him that his comments are hurtful. It's likely that your father was rarely if ever held accountable for his nasty behavior. He may also believe since you are his daughter and a woman that he has the right to say anything he chooses. Does he do the same to your brothers? being a good daughter/son doesn't mean being a doormat. You and your brother are not responsible for your fathers debt. Legally his estate is responsible, even if you are the executrix or co executor. Does you father have a will? is it up to date? Many companies take advantage of the fact that most families don't know that they are not responsible for the debts thier family members.often families pay out of guilt and remorse. If he has no asets, then companies where he has a debt will often try to collect from you. They have no legal right to do that unless you personally signed as a garantor of his expenses. ( something unscupulous nursing homes used to try to do)
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I was a caregiver to both my Dad and one of my best friends. It is one of the hardest things to do in life. My mother is currently in a nursing home with emphasyma also. She also had a stroke. Luckily she is happy 90% of the time. The only thing I can suggest is even though you have bad feelings, probably from the past, it sometimes helps to remember that he is the one dying. He has the right to be miserable but unfortunately, you are the closest person and get all of it thrown at you. Nursing homes are equipped to handle patients like your Dad, and assistance is available in all states. You can then go visit on your terms, and maybe since you are not together 24/7, it might make your visits more pleasant. My heart goes out to you, I know from experience, it is tough. Delite
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When I was caring for both of my parents I felt the same way about my father. I think because he was so miserable all the time and always felt sick I thought that it was better than him being here and suffering so much. My father was very abusive when I was growing up and I did have some resentment toward him. But I learned to forgive him and still stayed to care for him. It is a very difficult rask to take on and it sounds like you may need some respite time. Is there an area Office on aging in your area. They may be able to give you some options and offer you some help with dealing with your father. Good luck. And don't feel guilty about your thoughts.
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Liked the response from An Hour 4 Me--especially the "rinse, repeat" part. There are two kinds of DNRs, both the medical and the behavioral, which I think of as "Do not respond" (to the verbal abuse). An Hour 4 Me is addressing the second. As to the M.D.'s advice . . . one of those much easier said than done things. A "frank dispassionate discussion" is either something you've probably already tried, or something he would refuse under any circumstances, as just the fact that it is YOUR suggestion gives YOU the control that HE insists is his prerogative. As for the wishing he were dead part? I agree with the doc on that one. I would add though, that if that thought leads to thinking about a "DIY" solution (even if just to entertain yourself), you would be entering dangerous territory, as wishful thinking can lead to obsession under extreme circumstances. I wish a lot of people in this world were dead, and have for a long time. I just wish they were. Wishing doesn't make it so, and I haven't "done anyone in" telepathically yet. I wish your circumstances were different. I wish mine were, too, for different reasons. Not going to happen--at least not on a wish. But I DO hope that things get better for you soon. I hope this doesn't all sound too facetious or flippant. I don't mean it to. I am just trying to say that we are not saints, should not expect ourselves to be, and should each deal with things as best we can. One day, one hour, one minute at a time--"rinse, repeat."
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This thread resonates with me. My father abused me and abandoned me when I was young. My mother died when I was 11 and Dad never remarried. I am an only child.
I went through very useful counseling many years ago and gave myself permission to "emotionally divorce" myself from him. I wrote him a letter telling him that I would never offer him a place to stay when he got older and that he had better make plans for himself. He did that (bought long-term-care insurance).
Because of failing health and dementia, I did help him move into a retirement home. I have committed myself to making sure that he gets good care and is safe. I have taken over his bill paying,etc. He has been cooperative and we have done everything with an attorney's help so that no one can say I have done anything illegal or immoral.
For awhile, I was letting myself get sucked into the many dramas he has created in his life, but I try to keep reminding myself that he made choices to alienate me and others earlier in his life and his dementia is only exacerbating previous behaviors. While I will honor my promise to make sure he gets good care, I consider myself a "care manager," not his "loving daughter." By putting it into the perspective of "a job," I am better able to maintain myself and keep my negative emotions towards him in check. I know it's a mind game, but it helps me cope rather than making me crazy.
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These are perfectly normal thoughts as long as they don't stay with you constantly. It is very difficult and painful emotionally to care for an abusive patient. He may or may not realize how this is affecting you.
I hope you can work through this and sending you prayers and hugs.
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