Shouldn't I have been included in the obituary of my ex-husband?
Please accept my condolences. Just because your relationship was as an ex-spouse, it doesn't change that you grieve and feel a sense of loss. That is probably exactly why you feel left out to have not been mentioned in the obituary.
Many times the obituary is written with the guidance of the funeral director and this may have been what happened when your son was at the funeral home to make the arrangements. It is uncommon to include an ex-spouse in an obituary, which is what may have been the thought of the funeral director. That doesn't mean it should have been the case here but maybe your son simply followed his/her suggestions, so maybe you can give him the benefit of the doubt.
If you feel you need to share your feelings with your son, you may try saying something like, "I know funeral directors usually help people write obituaries and they usually don't mention former spouses, but I felt kind of left out by not being mentioned. I know you understand." Smile and leave it at that to avoid making him feel badly about something that can't be undone. You're very fortunate; it sounds like you had not only a good relationship with your ex-husband, but a continuing one with your son.
My ex-husband recently died unexpectedly too and I grieved over that loss especially having lost my my recent husband just a year ago as well. But I don't think it's appropriate to include an ex-wife in the obituary. The obituary mentions surviving family members which since you are divorced you are not. Had you only been separated that would be a different story. Being divorced means you are no longer a part of his family. Now if they had listed other surviving friends then yes...you should be included because you are now a friend, not family.
I also had a difficult situation regarding the obituary of my mother who passed 4 months ago. My mother and I had written most of the obituary ahead of time which I was thankful we had because a sister-in-law got mad at me because I had not included her in the obituary. It is unfortunate to have these difficulties during the loss of loved ones.
Much love and condolences for you and your family. Death of a loved one and the planning of a funeral is one of the most difficult things in the world to have to do. Pre-Planning is the answer to many of the things which will come up when you are Grieving so hard. Your mind is far from clear at this time. This is a time for all the family to nit pic as well. (something the main person handling the funeral does not need, however, do expect it.) One way to ease some of this is to have the immediate family look over the obituary BEFORE it is finalized and given to the Funeral Home to print. That way if something is forgotten, it can be added before print. Nobody can remember everything. The best writers in the world have experienced proof readers who get paid dearly. Have each Head of Household in your family get a copy of Prepare to Care, A Planning Guide to Families from AARP Foundation. It's an outstanding publication. Many funeral homes have a form for writing obituaries. One must do their homework way in advance before the assignment comes. (Obituaries are changing yearly, as families and the world change; don't be too hard on yourself, you're only human. Just observing someone who had lost their Mother is ....painful.)To do things correct is the best way to do them. However,Your sister-in-law is correct is stating she should have been included in the obituary. Her first name should have appeared after your brother's first name, example John (Jane), .....If for some reason all sister-in-laws were left off the obituary (often space is a factor)then, it was okay.My cousin's own a funeral home, I have seen so many variations of obituaries because families write what they want and use the style they know, and, it's okay. The most helpful website that I have ever seen which not only answers but gives examples of anything centered around a Death/Dying/Funeral Planning is Funeralwise.com. God Bless! You did good and your Mother is Proud! That's what matters.
My dad passed away almost two years ago and My parents were divorced, but my dad had remarried. I was informed by My Mother that her name "had better appear in the obituary" or else. Needless to say, my intention from the get-go was to include her name in the obituary but it was not totally up to me and if my step-mother did not want her name in the obituary, I could understand and would not fight her on it. My parents had been married for 29 years before they got divorced and my dad had been remarried for 15 years. We put my Mother's name in the obituary at the bottom the surviving family and it was listed as Also surviving was his first wife, etc.
Just a side note to this comment - yes, I had to give my Mother a copy of the obituary for confirmation that I did as I was told.
The question is why were you divorced, then we would probably help us to answer youre question.
Even though your ex-husband had not re-married does not mean your name should have been included in the obituary. If either of you had re-married it still wouldn't make any difference. You are no longer a relative and are not included as such ( even though you had a child together ). Some people have several " ex's " and it would be very unusual for all of their names to be included, whether they had children together or not.
The ex wife,(wives) should be included in the obituary since they were a part of their life, especially if they have had children together. Some people may have known the deceased through their partner(s)from when they were married to a different spouse.
For example when my ex-husband had died he was married to his 4th wife and all 3 ex wives were included along with the child(ren) they had together. ..."He leaves behind Brian and JoDean and their Mother JoAnn, Donna and Tracy and their Mother Janet, Fawn and her Mother Cathy....".
If someone had known Brian and wasn't sure if that was his Father that had passed away but knew JoAnn was his Mother they would be able to give their condolences.
He kept his present and past families in his life, after all they were still his family through his children. In such, his children never had to feel awkward discussing or inviting their Father along with whichever wife he had at the time to family events/celebrations.
Hopefully we have set an example for others to follow....
Socially and emotionally acceptable in my opinion.
My brother passed away and his ex-wife was listed first in the obituary as a survivor, even they had been divorced for 20 years and she has remarried. I thought it was totally inappropriate. I don't have a problem with her being mentioned since they did have children together, but she should have been listed AFTER their children, grandchildren, and his siblings.
