Is my mother's behavior typical of old age or dementia?
Unfortunately dementia is often dismissed as “typical” of the elderly. Whereas some forgetfulness is common as we get older, persistent short term memory loss and confusion are not part of “normal aging.” Rather, these are indications of Alzheimer’s or a related dementia. It’s particularly disturbing that your mother’s doctor minimized her symptoms. It’s also unfortunate that as readily as doctors prescribe aspirin for a headache many will prescribe Aricept for memory-loss without taking a patient through a thorough physical to eliminate conditions that mimic dementia, such as vitamin deficiencies, low-grade infections, drug interactions, and dehydration, all of which can be very subtle and can occur even with the best of care. These conditions will affect a person’s mood, behavior, appetite and memory. Most are reversible or can at least be minimized.
We can only speculate why some people obsess about collecting things that most of us would consider worthless. When elders are living with and dependent on their children, they may be trying to recreate a domain of their own, by surrounding themselves with stuff. Another reason could be that human beings have a propensity for making order in their lives. Alzheimer’s will often exaggerate old habits while also making it difficult for a person to turn off their compulsion. We can help them with distractions of equally enticing substitutes.
In your mother’s case, her obsession is collecting trash off the pavement. Trying to persuade her that this practice is unsanitary, or outright filthy, is a fruitless exercise, only resulting in her getting upset with you. As you’ve discovered, admonishing or arguing with a person with dementia simply does not work.
Regardless of her reasons, apparently collecting is important to your mother. Instead of trying to convince her to stop, you can “join her.” If she’s concerned about cleaning up the environment, you can both don rubber gloves and work on it together. Rather than admonishing her, compliment her for being so considerate of her neighbors.
On the other hand, if she’s picking up items because she finds them interesting as keepsakes, treat this as a perfectly normal activity. Provide her with a container or a special space for her collection and help her clean the items when necessary. As the container or space fills up, you can discreetly discard items a few at a time. You will find that it’s much easier to keep the peace when you honor her choices. If we assume she’s collecting all this stuff as mementos, you may also succeed in redirecting her by providing her with alternatives. Help her make scrapbooks or “fiddle boxes.” These are simply boxes with collections of found objects that can be sorted, fingered, counted or admired. (Shoeboxes work well.)
It’s a concern that your mother is losing weight, but rather than arguing with her, explore compromises that will satisfy both of you. Elders often have a strong preference for desserts, candies and other goodies. The ability to smell and taste wanes as we age, leaving the sense of sweets and spices the longest-lasting, so your mother’s attraction to desserts and other sweets is not unusual.
Alzheimerâs disease and most other related dementias affect a person’s sense of her physical needs; she may no longer be able to tell whether she’s hungry or full, so when she tells you that she has eaten, she’s not trying to fool you, but since she doesn’t feel hungry, to her mind she must have eaten recently. You can help her by making mealtimes special: her plate needs to look appetizing, because the wonderful aromas of a favorite meal are no longer present. You may also boost her appetite by using red dishes. Try to share meals with her as much as possible. You can also substitute a lot of her “sweets” with the sugarless versions.
Alzheimer’s affects a person’s ability to initiate. She often needs someone to help her start either a conversation or a project. You’re busy doing things and your mother’s incapable of coming up with projects for herself, so it makes perfect sense that your mother wants to follow your example. You can ask her to help you with what you’re doing, whether it’s laundry, housework, and cooking or paper work. Don’t worry about the outcome. Your objective is not to achieve a specific result, but rather to give your mother a sense of purpose and enjoyment, so whatever she’s able to do, thank her for her help.
It’s a myth that people with Alzheimer’s cannot learn new skills, although it may take them a lot longer now than before. Give your mother the time to state her wishes and find one or two projects that you think might work for her. She may be really enthusiastic and help you set up and then do nothing except sort out the supplies. Don’t worry about it. The sorting has become the project and the accomplishment. (See “fiddle boxes” above.)
