I have been taking care of my husband who broke his hip and now won't do much. He has recovered, but is afraid to try much. I feel guilty because I am getting so tried, so frustrated, and so worn out, life doesn't have much fun for me anymore. I am getting mad at him, that he won't try to do anything. Man, life is so hard, life stinks, I wish I could just run away. Help.
Expert Answer by Ken Robbins, M.D.
It sounds like you are walking uphill with a lot of additional weight, and it is understandably fatiguing. It is not clear to me, however, why your husband “won’t do much.” If he still has pain or instability in his hip, he should be carefully evaluated to determine what needs to be done to improve his functioning. This could be done by an orthopedic surgeon, a physical medicine and rehabilitation physician, or perhaps by a physical therapist. If his hip is really fixed, and the problem is that he has lost confidence or has become depressed, he may need a different kind of help.
In that case, I would suggest he see, ideally with you, a mental health professional. If you don’t know of a mental health clinician to see, your primary care physician could help. It sounds from your letter like he may be depressed or may have some other treatable mental health problem. A loss of energy, loss of confidence, hopelessness, social withdrawal and a lack of ability to enjoy himself all could be a result of depression. His hip problem may have been a wake up call for him that he is vulnerable to injury, which may have triggered a depression. The pain he had either from his hip fracture or the surgery to repair it, or problems he likely had with insomnia may have triggered a depression. It is possible that pain medication he took triggered a depression. It may be there are things important to him he couldn’t do and that triggered a depression. I could continue to speculate, but I would suggest he have a thorough assessment so both you and he can understand why he has apparently changed, and has left you having to take care of you both.
If your husband declines to be seen by a mental health professional, I would suggest you consider having a frank discussion with him. You can let him know you are struggling, and that it would be helpful to you if he would get a mental health evaluation. He should understand it is not a sign of personal weakness to develop depression. This is an illness, like any other illness. It is caused by changes in the brain, and effective treatment is available. There is no reason to suffer with untreated depression anymore than untreated heart disease or diabetes. Furthermore, just like untreated heart disease and diabetes, untreated depression can lead to a number of medical problems.
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This is one of the only times that I have seen questions coming from a spouse about a spouse. Most everything is about taking care of parents. I also have lots of new responsibility (and anger)taking care of my husband since his stroke in Dec 08. Good luck to you
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It's just so hard not getting any help like I used to get. He always did so much. We worked as a term. I know he had a stroke but how about me. No one cares about me who works her butt off doing it all!! Boy do I need to vent!! How do I curb my anger at him??
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I don't have an answer just share your comments, my husband is a bi-lateral amputee that is incontinent and does not help me either. I understand your frustration, he can do what he wants and helps the caregivers that I have hired to come in to help me, but resist when it comes to helping me.
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My father behaved much the same way with my mother. She was his caregiver for over a decade. he simply ecided that he didn't want to do anything and would aways say "My wife will handle it."He refused to manage his own diabetes and became an amputee as a result. He also had COPD and hypertension. he refused to do anything to help himself and was a real burden.My mother constantly felt guilty.She's get upset with him and tell him how har it was and he would help out for a while then go back to old ways. Somehow these guys get the impression that they are ENTITLED to be waited on. I spent hours reminding my mother that my dad was an adult. He contributed to the amputation by not managing his diabetes. I don't want to suggest laying blame that never works. But what does is creating boundries and a list of doable basic requirements. He had to get in and out of bed unassisted same with on and off the toilet.He also had to wash and dress himself unasisted. pretty small list really. On one of his countless trips to the hospital for pneumonia she was finally convinced to take the advise of the nursing staff and find him a nursing home. Until his death 2 years ago. The nursing home was truly the only break she had. Have a heart to heart. Be excuciatingly clear. No sugar coating, if you're exahuasted say so!My father consistently refused to help himself, even with antidepressants. My comment: that shows you exactly how much you mean to him and how valuable your relationship is.if this is the case start looking into care facilities.
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It helps just knowing there are others in similar situations. We can "vent" here, support each other, & try to problem solve. I'm so glad I found this site, & that I'm not the only one w/ these issues.
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