(800) 973-1540

I don't like my mother, but I love her. Is there anything I can do to improve our relationship?

163 answers | Last updated: Jul 23, 2014
64px-hh6b80fd52d1
Q
An anonymous caregiver asked...
more
 

Answers
Caring.com User - Jonathan Rosenfeld
Caring.com Expert
Send a Hug or Prayer
Send a Hug or Prayer
A
Jonathan Rosenfeld is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Francisco.
87% helpful
answered...

It sounds like your mother has succeeded in getting her needs met while mistreating first you and then your step-dad. To the extent the two of you have sanctioned her See also:
Manipulative parents. Anger and frustration. What to do?

See all 796 questions about Common Family Conflicts
behavior by ignoring the mistreatment and doing her bidding, she has had no motivation to change.

Unfortunately the problem you describe, in one form or another, is very common. The good news is that parents are trainable. Human nature leads people to do what they percieve to be in their best interest. Most people realize, to some degree or another, that it is in their best interest to nurture meaningful relationships and to treat others with appropriate levels of respect and concern. For example, most of us understand that if one wants good service from a waiter or clerk, one needs to treat them with respect, which can be as simple as saying please and thank you. It sounds like this is a life lesson your mother has never had to learn because you and your step father have put up with her rudeness and abuse.

You say that "now especially I want us to enjoy our 'last times' together," This may be an unrealistic expectation, but certainly you should try and see if you can turn the relationship around. You feel obligated to take care of your mother and keep her out of a nursing home, but this does not mean that you should put up with abusive behavior.

For example, you do not need to answer the phone when she calls. You do not need to defend your self when she critiques you. You can say, "Mother, I love you and I'm going to take care of you, but I'm not going to talk with you or spend a single extra moment in your house if you speak to me this way." If she acts as if she has no idea what you're talking about, be specific, for example, you can say something like, "I don't want your opinion about my appearance." If she doesn't stop her belittling behavior, follow through by limiting your phone conversations and other contact with her.

If you find it impossible to stand up to your mother and demand that she treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve, it might be a good idea to see a counselor or therapist and explore your willingness to tolerate such disrespectful behavior.

 

More Answers
64px-hh6b80fd52d1
39% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

unfortunatly I do not have an answer but the question really touched a nerve because I am in the same position.My mum is my mum and I am surposed to love her and I do and god forbid when she dies I will be devestated but I hate her with a vengeance,she is a real nasty piece of work and her feeling is that she has a daughter an you only have a daughter to look after you in old age that is fine if the mother daughter relationship is good but if no matter what you do is not good enough how can you deal with the hate

 

67% helpful
emutennis answered...

I also have issues with my mom. She is not verbally abusive but extremely controlling. I am also in my fifties with grown children and a grandchild. My mother is very sweet when you talk to her but she has absolutely no interest in talking about anyone but herself. That is how it has been my entire life. She acts like a two year old and wants to be the center of attention at all times. Our biggest bone of contention is religion. No matter how many times I tell her I don't want her shoving her beliefs down my throat, it falls on deaf ears. I have had many nasty confrontations with her and have asked her to keep her opinions to herself and to please respect my wishes. No go! She is extremely lazy, very over weight thus has many health issues because of it. I have two other siblings who basically don't call her very often and since I am the oldest, I get the brunt of her calls. I have tried to do nothing but please this woman all my life and the more you give, the more she wants. Being the oldest, I basically did all the cleaning when I was living at home and helped with the three younger kids. I am just plain tired after 50 plus years! The sad thing is, if she died, I honestly would be relieved. Sad huh? Just feels good to share. I am no longer going to feel guilty if I don't answer the phone when she calls-I need to take care of myself! I know I am not the one to take care of her when the time comes. I feel like it is my sisters or brother job!

 

81% helpful
JTay answered...

I don't like my mother. I am not so sure I even love her. Three years ago, for almost 12 months my beloved younger sister was my mother's caregiver. Two years ago today my sister looked at her future of being stuck with mother and decided to end her own life. My mother did nothing to intervene and stop my sister's suicide or give me a head's up that my sister had reached that low of a point. My sister was trying not to bother me with the problems -- because she would never ask a soul for help. Mother came to visit me for a couple of days and when the sister was not answering the phone we both went back to her house. I think she left the house after my sister had taken an overdose. To be fair the sister had other serious/terminal medical problems and battled depression for a long time; however, I think my mother gave her a push in that direction. In part because I think my mother thought she would inherit my sister's assets. The sister left it all to me with an understanding that I would try to help mother -- just mother.

After 2 years of being mother's caregiver I understand. There is no chance for a normal relationship with the mother. There was never a normal, loving relationship -- and I am 52. It took a lot of therapy to come to this understanding. Unfortunately I am stuck with mother now. But I have finally got a handle on her manipulation. Mother refuses any thought of being placed in a nursing home. She has allowed a worthless/deadbeat older sister to take all of her money and possessions so now mother is dependent upon me. She is still sneaking money to the older sister. But mother also has an instinct to survive.

I may appear to many on the outside as a raving bitch, but I put my foot down. I have said I am going to live a life that is comfortable for me. If my mother wants to, she can join me in that comfortable life...but it is my house, my rules, my way.

We are still having a battle of wills. Saturday morning I said she needed to stop accumulating kitchen clutter... so when I was gone she packed up all the kitchen dishes to get rid of the clutter... the typical kitchen junk drawer stuff is still sitting on the kitchen counter. I said fine... we will not have any dishes to eat on.

When she doesn't get her way she overeats something that she should not eat and makes herself extremely sick. Usually she wants me to do something that involves money to the deadbeat (as in she should be in jail) sister. She has pushed me to the edge but I finally decided to push back. She complains how terrible I am and I have responded that even her worst day with me is nothing compared to the lifetime of days I have had to put up with her and the "favored" child. I am no longer caving into her passive/aggressive co-dependency behavior. I also have told her that I am far more tenacious than she is because I have had a life time of experience in dealing with her. I expect this battle of wills to continue for several more months. I also must be forever vigilant in not getting sucked into her usual nonsense of pretending to get along until she gets whatever it is she wants. I have learned to tell her NO and stick with it. I have decided that the only way I can possibly take care of my mother is to be the mean, raving bitch that stops the destructive behavior. She pouts when she does not get her way and says she will go live in a cardboard box under and bridge and I tell her to go. I am dealing with a two year old. I would not take instructions from a two year old in my work, and I certainly am not going to let a two year old run my life.

So to all of you 50+ year olds dealing with mother's that are difficult and push all your buttons --- PUSH BACK!!! I don't mean be physically abusive or overly verbally abusive (that is the deadbeat daughter's racket) -- I am sure that if any of you are concerned enough to write on a blog you are sensitive, caring daughters. But do not allow yourself to be pushed around emotionally by less than loving mothers. Caring for someone is something other than letting them walk all over you and abuse you.

 

85% helpful
chances4life answered...

Hmmm, this is such a relief to find that I am not alone here. I am also in my early 50's and I have recently started caring for my mom. My father has recently passed away and my mom has come to live with me. Since she has been here I have learned alot about her and myself, and I just keep looking at her with utter amazement at how manipulative, defensive, super sensitive, rude, sometimes downright mean, self-centered, self-protecting, argmentative, sarcastic, evasive, accusatory, my own dear mother can be. It is amazing. truly! I wonder at my dad being able to handle all of this and it is dawning on me that he probably withdrew into his own world and just ignored or shut her out in order to cope peacefully and have some inner happiness. It really is like dealing with a child, sometimes. I am just learning as an adult now, all the various troubling unhealthy patterns of behavior that I was shown growing up. I coped as a young person by blanking out alot of issues. I just would escape them or not deal with them in my head.

I did not learn how to love generously and openly until just very recently, I am catching a glimpse of what I want in my life and what I do not want in my life. I learned a very self-protecting way of love and now I see it very clearly. I see where it came from. I am thankful, however, for this opportunity to come face to face with mom again as an adult. I feel as though I have met a monster within myself that I always knew was there just beneath the surface and I worked very hard not to be like this. But I am finding that by choosing to love the woman that I really do not like, I am also learning to accept all of who I am. i believe that it will make me a better person.

Yeah, I love my mom, but I really, do not like her ways. She is a master at twisting my words around to create something far bigger and very different from anything that was ever in my mind and if there is ever any explanation that this is not what I meant, that she had gotten it all wrong, this was fuel for the fire and she would take to mocking me, making fun of my attempt to normalize the exchange, then she would go off on another tangent and never, ever, ever, face the issue at hand. She will use demeaning language without a second thought and when called on it, she has remarked that "you are too sensitive", what is the matter with you". To admit to being wrong is rare. To say I misunderstood you, I'm sorry, does not seem to be easily forthcoming. And the speed of escalation of the simplest misunderstanding is mind-boggling. really. This is turning into an exercise in patience, unselfish love and care, learning to hold my tongue when appropriate, yet drawing the line and speaking up when there is insult, put down, disdain.

I am by no means perfect. I especially see this now as well. But by the grace of God, I am choosing something different for my life from here on out and I am asking God for the strength and for His power to remove a lifetime of learning really bad habits of interaction. Yet it is ironic, that I would not have come to a place of clarity about this, if I had stayed out of the lives of my parents and not had my mom living right in my own house. This constant clashing of our personalities is being used as a tool to change my life and give me clarity to choose something different.

I don't like my mom, but I love her.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
82% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

My goodness, I am sitting here tearing up because I know exactly what you all are going through - and thrilled to have found others in my situation. I always say it jokingly, but I really do believe that my mother wants to die and take me with her.

I don't even know where to start - so I'll just stick with the where I am today...I have not talked to my mother in a week - which is major because I usually talk to her every day and come take care of her, her house, and her ailing husband at least five times a week - in addition to being a single mother, owning my own house, having one very demanding full time job and two part time jobs.

The last time I saw her was last week when she acted out at my daughter's sports event - and that was just the final straw for me. I allow my mother to go through her whole self absorbed, whoah is me attitude and dump on me all the time...but I have to draw the line with her bringing her anger, hostility, complaining and overall unpleasantness to my daughter's life (she's only 11 - and does not like her granny because of how she's seen her act), so when she walked in the door complaining at my daughter's event (upset because she had to sit in handicapped seating - even though the seats were better, and I went thru the trouble of coming early to make sure she would be all set - this was apparently a life altering situation that she couldn't bare to handle?!), I decided in that moment that she was not going to ruin another of my daughters events, so I let her know exactly how I felt about her selfishness - who freaking cares that you feel inconvenienced - just sit down, shut your mouth and support your grandchild - leave the complaining for when you get home)...well, this lead to an outburst,because 'I have no idea what she has to go through..and she's sick of MY attitude'???!!! What the heck?!

So, I decided that I needed time away from her - we need time away from each other. I was at the point where I dreaded every second of being around her. I don't like her...I don't even know if I love her. The only thing that keeps me around is that I believe in God, and I am trying my best to show love and care for my parents, in spite of the way she acts...but I just can't believe that God is ok with having to continue to deal with someone who is so mean - even if she is my parent.

So, I haven't totally abandoned her, but I just need time away to live MY life...clean MY house, spend quality time with my child, pay MY bills, take care of MY health - even if it's for a week. What is bad is that this has been the best week that I can remember having in a long time. I never wanted it to be this way - I desire to have a mother that I love, someone who I come to for advise, someone who loves me unconditionally, someone who loves on my child unconditionally, someone who speaks lovingly to people and doesn't drive all friends and family away...but I have to accept that she can't be that mother that I desire. What's insane is that her mother did the SAME exact thing to her, but she does not believe that she is acting just like her mother. Denial is a weird thing - it baffles me.

Anyhow - I've written for far too long - I just was relieved to find a group that understands my pain. I have one more day of 'freedom' while I spend a week away from her (my aunt is being my stand in this week, where she can), then I'll go back to my mother's house - where there will likely be no remorse or apologies from her, just more verbal or nonverbal abuse (aka - silent treatment) about the fact that I haven't been around for a week...sigh...Honor thy parents...really??? No matter what??? Really???????

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
84% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I can definitely relate to everything that has been said here and then some. My heart goes out to all of you who have difficult mothers like mine who are totally IMPOSSIBLE to deal with at times. I loved my mother as a child, but when I became an adult it was a different story. I'd rather not get into specifics, but suffice it to say communicating with her is a challenge.

Here's what I've learned though: You cannot reason with a person who is mentally ill or very immensely self absorbed; you must have someone to talk to about what's going on who will objectively hear and listen to your side of the story; you must impose limits on what you can and cannot take; sometimes you have to allow a difficult mom to do all the talking and listen; and when it is your turn to talk (SOMETIMES THIS HARDLY HAPPENS BECAUSE YOU CANNOT GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE), keep your comments brief and to the point. Stay on top of your A-game in the same way you would deal with a difficult co-worker on the job.

About ten years ago, my pastor gave me some excellent advice. He said that if you allow your mother to move in with you if she has no other place to stay, it would not be ideal. Because of the way she is and the way that I am, knowing that we clash, and that there will be 4th of July fireworks in our home 24/7, she will not be allowed to stay with us if she ever becomes incapacitated, debilitated or whatever--it ain't happenin! My husband and I have already decided that she will go to a nursing home or assisted living facility based on the proceeds of the sale of her home. Period.

Everyone who knows, or who has ever had contact with my mom knows that she is mentally ill. What's really sad is that she is totally clueless about how she is, how she reacts and repulses people around her. As I think about it, this is part of her mental illness. Now, here is the strange irony: One day I asked my husband if there were some aspects of my personality that mortified him and other people, and guess what he said? Some of the very traits I dislike so much in her are things that I need to work on too!! No one likes to hear that there are negative aspects of themselves in the people they dislike so much, but the truth is the truth. Like one person earlier who said they were a better person as a result of knowing their mother, I can honestly say that is true, but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier to deal with her. Here is the miracle question that I find that I must think about each time I deal with her: Knowing that she has some issues and she is not well, should I really take anything she says personally or hold this against her? Honestly answering this question might lead to a sympathetic attitude on the opposite spectrum of anger. I'm just putting this out there for you to think about; I'm not a psychologist.

I wish I could hug everyone who has taken the time to share their stories here on this message board. It really helps to know that you are NOT alone, and you are NOT a bad person because of the way that you feel. Some mothers can be difficult, and it's a comforting thought knowing that at the end of the day that as a grown adult you can CHOOSE what you ARE and ARE NOT going to take to have the peace that you deserve to live your life as you want.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
65% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Thank you for inviting me into what feels like the dirty little closet. I have felt resentful, depressed, and guilty that it is with such difficulty I attend to my mother's needs. She is 90 and lives with the assistance of a 4-hour-a-day caregiver. Weekends are split equally between my brother, sister, and myself. My brother and sister have dubbed themselves caretaker of mom's finances; and it goes without saying that for right now she has enough money. I am put in charge of her healthcare and that is a slippery rope that has morphed into include caring for her residence. Although every third weekend looks equal on the calendar, that is far from what takes place. My brother is not able to attend to my mother's wishes and needs because of resentments from his childhood; he puts the brunt of the responsibility on his wife. His wife is loving but protects herself and will not go in any deeper than taking my mom to Saturday night church, bring in take-out for dinner, and on Sundays they go to brunch. That is it. Oh, my brother does not work. My sister is narcissistic and recently remarried, in love, living a fabulous life; she lets nothing come between herself and her fabulous life. My sister is okay to not fulfill her weekend commitments with my mom if a social function arises such as an opportunity to go boating, or a barbeque, dinner with her kids, or whatever pleases her. My sister lives twenty miles away from my mom; my brother I live nine miles away. I have loosened many social contacts over time in part by declining invitations because it was my mother weekend. Since my mother gets ignored by my sister and my brother has no children, I tried to augment her weekend experience on my weekends. This has been going on for at least five years. My mother has a hard time getting around and my kids are getting more involved with their own lives outside of our immediate family. Having my mom here for dinner without the kids does not work; she gets bored and demanding while I am trying to cook her a meal. As of recently, I cook at home most of my weekends and bring her a few days worth of dinner, then visit and do some chores. She is complaining to others that I am not my usual friendly loving self and her caregiver screamed at me for not doing my job and fulfilling my responsibilities, for waiting for my mother to die, and for resenting her being in my life. I work four days a week. But I work really hard and am exhausted come day five.

My adult children still need me from time to time and I stress about the events in their lives. My youngest, age 27, lives 26 miles away with her boyfriend. This daughter has epilepsy and her boyfriend came from Ireland with his parents and his two brothers. About five years ago or so, the parents were killed in a car accident and that left the three brothers in a dysfunctional heap...while my daughter is having monthly grandmal seizures. It wears me out. My other daughter needs attention because she senses that I am consumed by the health concerns of her younger sister. My son is the eldest and he seems to always be in financial trouble and lives in what seems to be unsettled ways. I worry about my kids and I feel guilty about that because they are adults and should be on their own and I should be focusing on making the last of mother's days happy ones; she did not have a happy life, my father was not a loving person.

my mother was not an available mother. She was very busy. And most situations that arose had to be filtered as to how it affected her. Add to that nothing is good enough these days. Maybe it never has been, I don't know; I don't remember much of my childhood.

Allow me to wallow in some pity here, as if I have not already. Yesterday's Thanksgiving dinner took place at my mother's house because our kitchen is being renovated. I went there early to cook the turkey, my children brought everything else. While my son was helping me through a new poorly written vague turkey/gravy recipe, my daughter's arrived with a car full of side dishes and desserts that they had made. The door was held open while they carried in their loads of stuff; my son is helping me with a rue. My mother is complaining that the door is open. Basically, to shut her up, my son tossed an throw over her to keep her warm. Still complaining, now that she does not want to be covered and she wants the door closed. She should have been glad to see everyone that showed up to feed her remember her on the holiday. Otherwise, we would have dined out for Thanksgiving. When I arrived there earlier that day lugging the turkey and everything that I needed to cook it, no hello, no happy Thanksgiving, she just started bitching about the gate at the top of the stairs that was not closed. She never goes near that gate. I was not the one that left it open. It did not put her or anyone else in any danger.

She also accused me of cleaning her bathroom yesterday. Yes, you heard me right. One time after I cleaned her crusty and moldy bathroom, I forgot to put the toilet seat down. Even though her seat at the time was dark wood, she did not notice that it was up and sat on the toilet rim. For which I was verbally reprimanded. NEVER a thank you for cleaning her bathroom. Yesterday, apparently me or someone else put the toilet lid down and she sat on the lid and her urine stream started before she realized that the cover was down. She blamed me.

Her 4-hour/day caregiver is a saint. He does everything for her and looks after her as if she were a loved one; they have been together for eight or ten years and I would say that she is a loved one. I fear that the caregiver is feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Besides screaming at me for my faulty attitude, he had a second scream session regarding care of her property and the removal of some branches from the yard that were taken from a tree in the spring. Honestly, she keeps me hopping and I never even noticed the branches. I did not trim the tree.

I can barely keep up on my own house; and of the past year I have no desire to clean my own house, or keep my own doctor appts, or worry about my own diet. It feels like the walls are closing in and I have a frustrated caregiver who I depend on in order to be able to go to work. I take abuse from him because it is better than any other option. As of recently, he has buddied up tightly with my sister-in-law; I know they talk about me. If he quits, it is up to me to figure out how to take care of my mom. She does not want to go in a home of any sort and wants to live out her life in her own house. She is basically healthy except for some dementia, and severe arthritis that has drastically limited her ability to get around. She shuffles around the house with a walker but in a wheelchair beyond that. Realistically, she could live for a long time. I think she is going to outlive me.

These are only a few things, as you well know how it goes. It is bad and gets worse, and inside you know that it will get even worse yet. And the blame and the guilt and the responsibility seem to fall on those that do the most in the first place. It is not fair. I am waiting for her to die to be released from responsibilities. And then I will probably go to hell.

 

93% helpful
RJones answered...

I will restate what has been stated many times in these posts... I see I'm not alone in having these feelings. Only it's my father that is my burden. He is 81... and I find myself wishing he won't live much longer. Isn't that a horrible thing to think. He has never been a nice guy, and my wonderful mother "saved his life", as a close relative of mine recently put it. She is gone and he is more miserable than ever.
I tried being a good daughter and doing everything from grocery shopping, to cleaning the house, handling the money, doctors appts, trying to be with him, take him places (he cant drive as he has macular degeneration, and has mild dementia, and is paranoid). The end result after 2yrs of Mom being gone are many arguments, and his demands for me to divorce myself from his care. Well, I have, for my own sanity. He has a caregiver that keeps tabs on him 6 days a week, my brother takes him to his doctor appts. I handle the money and appt making end of it. If the house gets cleaned, its rare, as he stopped cleaning. He wont let the caregiver do that for him, and he is tired of doing it. When I see him every 2 weeks or so, I spend 20 minutes with him at the most. He now tells me he loves me and I'm just the best thing since sliced bread! Prior to that, he wanted to sue me, disown me, and treated me like I was dirt. Basically, how he treated my mother. I'm much happier since its like this, and I dont stress his diet any more, he eats what he wants to no matter what, as I cant make him eat correctly for his diabeties. I'm done... My attitude is, when he goes, he goes.... I honestly dont think I'll be that sad, just regretful that I never had a good father and relieved that I wont have the burden of him anymore.
I'm really a nice person... I know this doesnt sound like it, but I've done everything under my power, and even saw a therapist.

 

70% helpful
hugs4me? answered...

To all of you: "DITTO" My mother has at least one of all these issues going on. I left home early and I have finally relized why. I wish I hadn't taken her into my home, but I believed I was doing the right thing. Now I am so regretful. I believe god will get me through this somehow. I've been in grief counseling because of 2 deaths in a 4 month period, but mom won't do anything of that sort. Giod bless and help us all!

 

50% helpful
RJones answered...

I feel for you. After my mom passed away, my uncle did as well 4 months later. Then another uncle passed away 6 months after that, and my aunt (my mothers sister) 3 months after that. My father lost his wife, two brothers and a sister in law. Our family is still healing from it all.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
94% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

YES! YES! YES! As I read all the responses I found myself laughing and crying in solidarity. My father passed away 3 1/2 years ago, and within a few months my mother had moved in with me. This was supposed to be temporary. The plan was to look for a place in a retirement community that offered continuing care. My mother is 85 and is in excellent health, except for macular degeneration - so she does not drive. She was supposed to get her things out of storage and get settled. Instead, she has dug in her heels, and made herself quite comfortable in my home. She is showing no signs of moving ever. And I am at the end of my rope. She can say the most cruel and spiteful things to me, and I am just supposed to take it and not let it hurt me to the core. But if I so much as question anything she has said - something she has gotten mixed up - I am ripped to shreds for it. And then the moping, crying, pouting in the corner for days begins. (How could I be so cruel to try to explain how the door knob works!!!!) She criticizes me for everything from my facial expressions to my clothes to using q-tips. I am divorced and have two teenage children, so she tells everyone how I just can't manage on my own, and I need her to help me. Her own brothers and sisters think I am demanding that she do all this work around my house! HA! If they only knew! She goes through my things, rearranges my cupboards and drawers - it's not my house anymore. I feel like I am the one who doesn't belong there. And my children are being spoiled rotten. I have told her that they have chores to do, but she will do them while they are at school. She fixes whatever they want to eat - if one wants a hot dog, and the other wants spaghetti, no problem! So, on the rare instance I cook and we sit down at the table together, my kids will say, "I don't exactly want this." She jumps right up and fixes anything they want. Even if I tell her not to. She tells me she wants me to go do things with friends, but if I do, she sighs and rolls her eyes and says things like, "I guess I'll just sit here by myself tonight." She tries to make me feel guilty every time I walk out the door! And it works. I understand the writer who said that she is trying to honor her mother - because that is what God has told us to do. I am trying to honor her and help her through a difficult time. But it has been over three years since my father passed away. I don't see that things are getting any better for her. In fact, I have overheard her talking to people who are experiencing some kind of loss, and she will say, "Well, think about ME! How do you think I feel?!" She is on anti-depressants, but she will not see a doctor to make sure the dosage is correct. Everyone else sees this sweet lady - they think she is so precious. But she saves her worst behavior for me. Even with my brother. He will talk to her, and she will be rational and not get all emotional with him. Then she will get off the phone with him, and lash out at me! I have always felt that it is better for me to just keep my mouth shut, than say something that upsets her - and then pay the price for it. When I lived on my own, I could get back on my feet, brush myself off, and tend to whatever psychological wounds she had inflicted. But this is a daily occurrence for me. I can't get up before another blow hits me (usually from behind). This is killing me. I don't even feel like there is any "me" left. She has crushed the life out of me. I am a shell... a shell that drives. At work - I feel valued and productive, but outside of work, I feel completely worthless. I have done everything I know to do to try to not irritate her. I have stopped going out with friends, I have stopped doing any of the recreational things that I used to enjoy. I feel like I have aged 20 years in the past 6 months. I look awful and I feel awful. I completely understand all those who have said that they will feel relieved when their mother dies. I have thought about wanting to say, "She was a manipulative, controlling, unhappy woman - God rest her soul. Come on kids, we're going to Disneyland!" Like others have said, I didn't/don't want her final years to be like this. I had this crazy idea that she would have a place - that my kids could go and visit (and she could spoil them while they were there), and that we would get together and do things and go places - but since she is with me, in my house 24/7 - I get no break. She mentioned going on a trip together - UGH! No thank you. I can only imagine that I would feel differently about things like that if she were living in her own place. And I am constantly worried that something will happen to her while my children are at home, and I am at work. They will be the ones who will hear her fall or cry out or just find her laid out on the floor. I don't want that for my children! I don't ever want them to wonder if they should have/could have done something! I am worried every day after I pick up my kids from school that we are going to come home and find her dead in the laundry room or in the back yard - with the rake still in her hands! I am afraid that some morning we are going to be up and getting ready for school - and she is not going to get up. My kids are going to have to deal with that, and I don't want that for them. So - thank you all for sharing. It is good to know that I am not alone. And thank you all for listening. It is good to get it out. I will pray for you all!

 

86% helpful
First Born answered...

My Mother is 86 years and I am the oldest of the family and I feel like I am the only child because I have a sister that is 16 years younger than me and thinks she doesn't have to do anything for her.

My mother is so manipulative its not funny and like some one else said How did Dad take all this abuse in the 50+ years of marriage but apparently he loved her enough to tolerate her.

Dad is gone and she has me now to try to manipulate me but when I stand up to her its the end of the world for her. Anyways, I stay away from her at least one week at a time cause she can still help herself but I keep tabs through telephone. She is nearly blind and complains about her aches and pains to everyone who would listen. The part I resent is when I buy her clothes, shoes or anything she doesn't like them. Someone bought her ugly shoes, someone bought her ugly dresses and I know she cannot go herself to shop for herself. She goes through a washer/dryer once a year for the last three years now and I am wondering what is happening . I still need to find out and that is on my to do list.

My mother has numerous grand children and favors only two and thats all she talks about but she screams at them when they are around her so what the heck.

I have two grown daughters that love her very much and try to help as much as they can but if she doesn't get her way with them she is mad at them so they tend to stay away and don't stop to see her anymore.

My son stopped in to see her the other day and later told me Mom? Grandma is a pessimist.

So what am I suppose to do.

I am thankful that I am not the only dealing with this kind of situation.

The bible say Honor thy mother and thy father

I am

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
91% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

My wife went through this with her mother, who as she aged into her 50's became a bitter, old woman who could never be satisfied. My wife bore the brunt of this until her mother started in on our daughter, and at one point pushed both our daughter (15) and later my wife into a door jam. (of course according to my mother-in-law it was an accident, she just lost her balance). At that point my wife sat down with both her mom and dad and told them that until her mom apologized there would be NO more communication with her. To her credit she finally apologized (but I think only due to my father-in-law because he was caught in the middle). After that, she was never physically abusive again, but, her bitter, angry at the world attitude never changed. This is a woman who into her 70's would intentionally walk into people on the sidewalk or in a mall, and then accuse them (loudly) of trying to knock her down. Because everyone was out to get her.

 

22% helpful
bleu232 answered...

Hello all. I am the mother you all are talking about. Not really but yes I am going to give it to you from a terminally ill mother of 2.First of all you have all raised kids and I would have to say that all of you know it is a full time job. Kids will put you through hell and back. As a mother I stuck it out. I never told my kids I hated them,wanted them in a home.. I stuck with it. Changed dirty diapers, cleaned up puke, took off work to care for a sick on, was up all night and there were times I did not want to be a mother or wife. Did I give up? Not on your life. There were times I was in a love hate relationship with my kids. Do you know what its like growing old or nearing the end? I am 53 years old and am terminally ill. My kids are not around me. Why? I am not sure. Send mom out to daycare just like you would your child. Bring in a caregiver just like you would get a babysitter. Moms need a break and so do caretakers. Do you really think you got through this life without having to give anything back? Ask God for help. Help you and help your mothers. God bless you all

 

82% helpful
Liz V answered...

I can identify with you on this issue. Unfortunately I don't have an answer. I have the opposite problem with my mom. Mom has never taken responsibility for anything in her life. All her issues are someone else's fault. I truly think she is mentally disturbed.No one else in the family will even talk to her anymore.She whines about everything. I have been taking care of her ever since I can remember. When I was about 8 she married a man that raped and abused me in many ways and she knew about it because she actually walked in on it. I told her what was happening and she allowed it to continue. She actually stayed married to him for ten more years. I don't understand why I was never taken away from her but it does not matter any more. I have tried to be a good and forgiving person. My mom has always been a bit of a nut case and I realize this. To this day she takes no responsibility for her actions past or present. All she ever says is think what you want to or tell me what you want me to say. She now has Parkinson's and refuses to do what her doctors tell her to do. She does anything she possibly can to get attention and whines about everything. She tells these fantastic lies to anybody who will listen about what a fantastic mother, daughter, wife she was and how mean everybody is to her. "Poor old lady." I am the only one who is supporting her, financially, and she wonders why. The rest of the family wonders why I still deal with her and remains somewhat in contact because of me. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and support network. My son tries to help but even he can only take an hour or two. I guess I only stay because deep down inside I want a mother that I never had. I am a responsible daughter and would never put her in a home. I thank God that I never turned into that kind of mother.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I have exactly the same feeling about my mum she ies never satisfied . i have been into different spiritual pathways in order to get a healthier relationshipwith her as iknow that if i dont i am going tocause a very similar sensation to my kids if i have any . and i am still having second thoughts on having kids becouse i dont want this family behaviour to be felt by no one.. I have spoken to her about her judgamental behaviour and that but she tells me that i have such a low selfesteem to be affected by her comments... IALSO MANAGE MY CONVERSATIONS WITH HER THE WAY THE DR HERE TOLD YOU AND IT DOES MAKE HER REACT A BIT but she tries to find another point in the conversation to be pointy at and have an intrusive opinion about... I think is the way she understands motherhood and i have already told her motherhood is not about correcting peoples behaviour all the time .... i had plenty of that as a kid and very little of kindness and tenderness that i wish i had.. my gran is like that as well... i undestand her to some extent as she never had that herself.. Mu cat just died and i was feeling abit guilty about not having taken her to the vet on time ( i am stilll doubting whrther it was taking her to the vets what killed her) and she just told me that is good that i dont have kids becouse i cannot even take care of a cat all because i have been using some other alternative therapies as well with me and her ... she wanted to make her point that what i do is not worth it... i did both things at the time with my cat.. i gave her alternative medicine and also took her to the vets very often... the point is she rather hurt me to make her point that the things i do are no good.....i am really hurt i think i dont want to talk to her anymore just for the protocolary stuff... ii have a loan we are paying together thats all i will reimburse all the money and not talk to her anymore--------- i am really am trying to see the things in the spiritual way and try to come to grips with our relationship for my own good but i think she just wants us away from her . nor my sister or i live near her anymore... she is away from her home country she is going to die alone and i dont want to repeat her pattern,i am so afraid inside to be like her that i am also a very lonely and independent person and dont wanna hurt others,, she is going to try to get herself a real serious ilness when she feels lonelier so we will be back next to her taking her s0it...i dont want that for her own sake and mine. i dont wanna be there for her when that happens... i dont understand why she needs all of this ... ahy cant we have an easy relationship no judging no unwanted advice.. unwanted advice that is really wanting to hurt and prove a point and win an opinion....

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

For the record: I am also signed as 'the worker' (a nickname from my mom)... Hit the anonymous button by accident. My husband and I moved his mother near us 10 years when it was evident she was driving his sister to ill health. My SIL was reactive to my MIL and had a full time time job and 3 active children in early 20's at the time. She had my in laws by her for 10 years. I remember my sister in law saying "if she wants to die, she should just die anyway". At the time, MIL was grieving the loss of my father in law the previous year. MILs lifelong negative attitude, social isolation, pessimism, self-centered behavior hit a fever pitch. FIL was the patriarch of the family and truly a dear, charming, strong man. 10 years later, I am wishing the same thing my Sister in law wished. Now my MIL is 87, having significant memory issues as well as other health issues. We are thinking she will need to move in with us, or go to extended care (unfortunately, she may not be able to afford to go to a facility). Luckily, his family is cohesive, and we all talk openly about the unpleasant behaviors she exhibits, in particular, her self-centeredness, lifelong self-imposed social isolation (her children must provide all of her social outlets, and entertainment)and significant manipulation. As far as I can see, the social isolation is inevitable and manipulative behavior almost always gets worse as a person ages. She will fake or increase ailments and memory issues when she needs attention. Honestly, she seems completely unaware of the behavior. It can be tricky to take care of someone who is faking, or increasing their symptoms in order to get more attention. MIL has many unhealthy behaviors and unbecoming personality traits which often times make it unrewarding and unpleasant to be around her for any length of time. We can see where all the behaviors come from in her life (since she talks a lot), but unfortunately for her, psychological help was greatly frowned upon in her day. My husband and I talk openly about how we feel at what is going on, his sisters for the most part, are all on the same page. I do not remember ever meeting my grandparents, they all died when I was young. I am sure if I saw my parents caring for elders, it would be easier for me to feel that it is a natural and inevitable part of family life. It is not a natural feeling, it mostly feels like a great imposition. Intellectually, I feel taking care of our elders is inevitable, and I feel it should feel somewhat natural.
It seems like some old people don't know how behave (or cannot change) in order to be easier live with and have no one to turn to or choose not to learn how to do it. Adult children don't know how to integrate them into our lives in a healthy way to make it a good situation. Our culture and life doesn't seem to be structured well to do this either. To the woman who said she was the mother - - I can tell you, I did not feel this way at all when was raising my children. I really think knowing how to take of each other is a learned behavior. I read so many books about how to become a good parent, and I needed that help... Becoming a parent is a choice. No one forced any of us to be parents, and I don't feel that my children owe me anything for giving them life and raising them. I wanted them so badly. None of them asked to be born. I don't want to abuse and traumatize my kids by getting old and sick either. I will get old and sick though... Makes me feel I should be talking to them now about this. And allow them to vent when they get frustrated in taking care of me... Making sure they know, that I KNOW how hard this is...I don't know. Or else I could just take up sky diving when I get old... There are a couple of my husbands family members here that do not participate, or help out only rarely - I totally understand why, and can see how being around MIL brings out the worse in them, always has and sucks the life out of them. They are in not in a position to take on elder care, or have not the mental state to do this. I understand that some people need to back off if the care is ruining their lives (why should 2 suffer?), and are not in the place - or know how to reach out for help.
It is so energizing and relieving to hear others saying they feel the way I do, and yet brush off and continue to do the care, press on... This is exactly what I need to continue to be there as a family member.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

To anonymous: You could not have said it better. These same issues go through my mind everyday. Thank you for taking the time to type "my thoughts and frustrations." Also your words to "I am the mother" were my exact thoughts. I did not ask to be born to a barely 17 yr, old "girl." I, myself, was blessed in 1970 with a beautiful son after a somewhat difficult pregnancy. I was not able to have other children and I lost him last year suddenly to a heart attack. My life has been totally shattered ever since. I am so grateful for his children, a boy and girl. I will not allow anyone to go thru' what I am dealing with in taking care of my mother. (My father died right after my son.) I have been with my boyfriend for 18 yrs. and he is who will be there for my grandkids when my time comes. I have made preparations to ensure that I do not have to be living in their homes at any point. I know firsthand now how hard it can be. Like anonymous stated, alot changes during different eras and it was well said. We all love each other, but I have wishes for myself too, and we have been open about it. Thank you so much everyone.

 

75% helpful
the worker answered...

From Anonymous to the last comment: I have a couple of other points First, funny you should say this! I have already "picked out" the place I want to be and told my kids about the place. Nice small easy to clean senior apartments with a bus to nearby activities, shopping. I have delivered meals on wheels to the place before and love how the neighbors all look out for each other and know each other. It's economical and a short distance from the assisted living or nursing home which would be the next steps. When my teenage kids share with their friends that is where I will be, the friends call them cruel. Why do people have to think that way? Second: I have a question: Is okay to expect an old person to see their life as waning and to be flexible to accommodate their caregivers? As a caregiver I say yes, but I can't tell you how I will feel when I am old. (For example, I wanted children very badly in my 20's when I had them, but now that I am 50, I do not.) My mom was a very likable elder person who as she developed a true case of Alzheimer's had several offers from my siblings (and myself) to have her move in, should she become unable to stay alone. She was adamant about staying in her own home, so my remaining brother felt obliged to stay with her (putting his own life and dreams into the backseat all the time). The rest of us helped out as much as possible not living there and from a distance, but in accommodating her wishes, her life was sadly very difficult, at times unsafe and worrisome for all of us near the end - and we loved her very, very dearly.

 

90% helpful
the worker answered...

4 things: #1. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone needs a sounding board without judgement.... #2. In my opinion, it is most helpful to believe that everyone is doing the best they can given where they are in their lives, and those around you are also doing their best. #3. It is sad when someone gets very old, but has not acquired some grace, and has no place or no sounding board to step back and take a really good look at their lives, and see that it is probably good enough to be happy with. I understand losing grace to illness, but it is very, very sad when someone NEVER finds grace. Sometimes I do ask my MIL to be a graceful lady. I know she can do it. But I have to remind her and sometimes when I am feeling tired of being the 'parent', it is so hard for me to be strong and to remind her to be her best self. #4. It really, really helps to just be able to put my feelings down somewhere - sometimes I am embarrassed by my feelings, everyone seems to be handling things better than I do - it so helps me and refreshes me to know I am not alone.. Thank you EVERYONE of you! You are all helping me.

 

91% helpful
sunnysouth answered...

I'm the scapegoat kid for my mother. I was taken to counselors at an early age because they wanted to put all the blame on me rather than on themselves. When anything goes wrong, I get blamed. Today I told her that I was not going to listen to her criticism and she replied that she would stop taking her medicines and die. No one can reason with her and the other family members want me to handle her because they don't want to. She says that we are the problem and that we are 'evil' for criticizing her and will have to answer to God. Unfortunately I can't leave since I can't afford an apartment. My health is already getting worse from the constant stress. She hates everything on TV. She claims that everything is bad. She will schedule a doctor's appointment and then get upset and claim that they are not treating her well and that she needs to cancel. A nursing home would be sending her back within 24 hours! Her father also was difficult so it may be a hereditary thing. (Uh oh. God help me!)

 

75% helpful
karinanne answered...

Just pray, put your foot down...a lot of the things described above sound like an adult temper tantrum...not unlike a two year old wanting his/her way! Manipulation, maneuvering, calling other people including friends and family to talk about the "bad" person who speaks up for themselves in a conversation....talking badly about another sibling to you but when she is around them...acting sweet and loving...so that she can control my sister's child, ignore her other 2 grandchildren because they have a "dad" so basically don't need the only grandparent left in the state. One time, she had a disagreement with "her beloved" daughter as I was going to the store after church. My husband told me that he had never heard my mother "sound like that before" I rushed over to her house...she was in her nightgown, lying prone in a chair and whimpering. I told her I would call an ambulance. I truly did not know what was wrong. I went next door to my sister's house and since she's a nurse asked her to come over and assess my mother. She told me not to bother, "she does this all the time..she's depressed" then finally my sister came next door. As soon as my sister entered my mother's house, my mother sat up in the chair where she had been lying prone (and scaring me) for the last ?hour or hour and a half...and she started speaking to my sister normally. I was FURIOUS...she was playing games and the ONLY person she wanted to talk to AFTER MY TWO hours of driving there....was my sister..the problem was with them. There have been many other games...to be fair, this started when my sister had a baby without a husband and my step-father passed...then the phonecalls....complaining about my sister, how she cleans the house, who she hangs out with, peeking out of her window at all hours of day and night to see what her :neighbor...my sister is up to. Now, she is obsessed with my nephew who to my face and ear (on the phone) she says is an "orphan." When I explain that an orphan has NO parents and that he is not, she is angry again. She is German. My children will not go to her house to stay for a week this summer and I am not sure why exactly but I respect that and have asked them,,,one says that she forces them to eat and I told her that they don't want to come and she is furious with me calling me a liar and my children liars. It goes on and on. My husband and I are the most level-headed in the whole family and don't put up with a lot of nonsense and try to maintain our distance. The situation is sad but I have been told to get involved in my sibling's lives because one nephew is in a crisis....my mother always tries to use me by saying, "but, you're the aunt, the sister, the daughter, the godmother to manipulate me into getting involved in crisis after crisis. I am so tired and at night spend a lot of time crying. I have a family to take care of. Once, a pastor's wife told me that I had a problem because I have made her an "idol." I believe that she's right. I have crossed over from the obeying,honoring your parent, which is right and in the bible to something else. When I tell her my opinions she cuts me down brutally. She doesn't care about anyone else's opinion only her own. I don't like her at all. Frustrated

 

80% helpful
sunnysouth answered...

My mother is very religious, so the other day I read her this Bible verse: Colossians 3:21 Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they get discouraged.

I told her that it applied to MOTHERS as well! ;-D

In my case, my mother is the youngest of six kids, so I do think that it is a temper tantrum. She never completely grew up. She must have gotten attention by constantly complaining and whining about everything. She used to talk about how my aunt would grab her by the arm and force her to do housework (I can see why she would do that!)

I have started wearing ear plugs and it does help. I have also started just walking away when she starts up. I saw a program on dog training (!) and the trainer said to turn away from the dog when it acts up. She doesn't like it, but it gives me a little peace from time to time.

She starting in about me changing the kitchen around (she was complaining last week about wanting things moved) and THIS WEEK she has decided that she wants it 'back the way it was'. I just walked off. (It felt good!)

 

50% helpful
gilbert1029 answered...

Unfortunately, I don't have the the answer to this question because I am subject to the same problem. I am 16 years old and facing my mother is a constant challenge. It is very difficult living with my mother because she is abusive and has three kids and we have a father that can't really interfere because he would "get too physical and be forced to leave the house". She doesn't try to be abusive, but she says that we don't listen to her so our punishment is getting beaten. She's completely aware of what she is doing and maks no effort to change her ways. If you try to put your foot down and talk to her, it does you no justice because she doesn't pay any attention to what you have to say or she takes it as an offensive comment. Allow me to give you an example. Dad:"He showed me the marks that you left on his stomach." Mom:"Then you should have beat him and told him to shut-up." Dad:"That's only adding to the problem." Mom:"That's because they are playing you for a fool and think you're too scared to do it."

My father is a very reasonable and loving man, as is my mother, the only difference is that my mother cannot take advice when she needs it. She always thinks someone is against her. The other thing is that she never shows this side of her to the public. It's like she thinks that she being observed under this scope. Everyone thinks that she is this wonderful and joyous woman; she used to be that person when I was younger, but then I don't know what happened. However, when she enters her huse that image shatters and it's almost as if she turns into the shattered image, walking around the house resembling this horrific, sharp, and demanding woman, Only this time every time you see her, she looks much angrier and the cracks sharpen. She has so many expectations for what the house should look like as if she lives in this dream house. If she finds the garbage bag full or a little bit of trash on the floor she assumes that the trash has been there all day and it was left there for her to pick up; whenever she does something in the house she wants all this credit like she does chores all the time. Hence the previous example about the always-taking-things-offensively. I am the oldest in the house as far as children are concerned. The other two are only 5 and 9. Therefore, I am frequently blamed for what happens in the house. Whenever she calls you in the house, she always has this high authoritative tone like you've done something unbelievable; everyone in the house gets scared when she calls their name. Even though she is abusive, she has a kind side. Sometimes she'll talk softly and contently with us. It scares me because I neve know when she going to snap on us, or even me. She snaps fast, and she doesn't care who it is. She done a good job pushing people in her family away from her, and it could be people that she grew up with all her life. Example.

Mom:"Do you think I Don't Love You?." Me: I take a second, think about it and say "No, I know that you love me." Mom: "Do you think that sometimes I mistreat you?." Me: I don't respond Mom: "Do you think that sometimes I mistreat you?." Me:"Yes, maybe sometimes." Mom: "Put the broom down, I'll finish up what you started."

At the time that she had asked me these questions I had just come from outside because I was doing physical work for nearly 5 hours and was extremely tired, and she posed very innocently. When she came home later that night, she told me that I wasn't allowed to have friends at the house anymore, I was only able to visit my friends and to be back at 10:30. Her reason for doing this was because she said that I said that she was taking advantage of me. It's weird because she is a nurse and that she is trained to learn how to deal with people, but it seems as is the training never applied to her because she abuses and mistreats us. My point is that I love my mother very much, but I Don't want anything to happen to her. I want to try and see if I could get her to see someone because I am still young and I believe that there is hope and I would like to see an improvement in the relationship I share with my mother. If there is anything I can do, please tell me.

 

100% helpful
Laugh or go crazy answered...

People are what they are; we can't change them. We can only change how we react to them. This may in turn affect how they treat us or it may not, and sometimes all we can do is let them be. My mom doesn't have Alzheimer's or dementia; she's just bitter, hateful and manipulative. I simply refused to play anymore, and she finally 'disowned' me over it -- one of her classic manipulations employed on my siblings every time she gets mad at them about some ridiculous thing. I calmly told her I loved her, she'd always be my mom whether she liked it or not, and my door would be open if she ever changed her mind. That was almost six years ago. I don't miss her hatefulness, her negativity, her small-mindedness or her manipulations. I did not like her as a person, would not choose her for a friend, and feel no guilt over any consequences she's facing from her choice that day. I figure in a best-case scenario I've got twenty years of life left, and I aim to fill it with positive people who want to enjoy life, but need help. I feel compassion for her increasing loneliness (due to her driving everyone away) and age-related issues, but no sense of familial obligation, having served her for 15 years already. She is not mentally ill, although she could benefit greatly from a good psychologist, but she's content to blame the rest of the world for her problems rather than ask if she could be doing something different. I pour my heart into caring for other seniors now, giving them the love and support I used to give her. Sometimes that's just how it goes. The whole "Mom is sacred" thing has been drilled into us since birth, based on a crazy assumption that moms are good, kind and loving, and spend their lives sacrificing for us -- therefore, we owe them. All too often that simply isn't the case. Moms, like the rest of us, should reap what they sow, and not be catered to by their beat-down, guilt-driven children. To do so only 'feeds the beast'. If you wouldn't take that treatment from anyone else, why would you take it from her? Gilbert1029, my heart goes out to you because you're still dependent on your parents, and are stuck with your mom for now. My answer wasn't directed to you, except as food for thought later on in life when you're dealing with the repercussions of living with your angry mom and passive dad. What you can do now is know that your parents are not allowed to physically beat you or your siblings. Call the police. Call a child abuse hotline. Call the child services agency near you. Tell your teachers or high school counselors. You are sixteen and they will listen to you. Do it for your own sake, and for the sake of your younger siblings. You all need help NOW.

 

notobligated answered...

It's so comforting to know I am not such a bad person after all there are people feeling the same way. I will start by saying as a child I never could stand my mother never was close never spent time together except when we were at church around her "friends" she acting like the great mother. Can't remember 1 time in my childhood she said she loved me. I am 50 years old and My parents divorced 17 years ago and the whole time her had others and knowing my mother I knew why. After the divorce my older sister would haul her around with her on vacations and weekends when ever her and husband did things. Me, she never enjoyed my life of horses, dogs,chickens and a none stop flow of kids and friends and most not keeping a house you could actually eat off the floors(like her and my sister. She would go with me to attend my sons games but it was always a complant my husband dips, my dad would attend and she MIGHT have to sit by him the person beside her smells and on and on so eventually she was weeded out because of that. She still could drive but she would not do so because "something" MIGHT happen. She has been diagnosied with Parkinson and neuopathy within the past 2 years and she is really playing my sister. 1st she want have friends or want visit her neighbors never dated, because they all had something she didn't like about them or she might end up taking care of them if they got sick. So she isolated herself to my sisters life. Now since her illness mind you the doctors say she is still very capable of doing things for herself maybe not the same way but can still be active she refuse to because she want try anything she rather sit in the house all day without the TV on want open the blinds(someone my look in) want walk becuase she might stump her toe want do water areobics becuase those people just come there to bath. She lives in the "SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN" world. She will call my sister crying dont know how to take her medicine can't put her clothes on don't know where she's at... and 2 minutes later I can call and she knows everything doing fine just totally opposite of what she told my sister. She will even call her in the middle of the night and say she is tangled up in the sheets and can't get out. Never calls me of course I tell my sister to call me and I will go but I have no idea there is a problem if she want call and tell me, but my sister want let me help.
So our last conversation was I told my sister..if you can handle mother better..then you do it and let me know how that works out for you. Mother will not exercise want eat right want try to be active in anything and told my sister yesterday she doesn't want to be responsible for anything. My theory is she is driving my sister crazy enough driving to her house all hours and having to leave work that she want my sister to give in and say "it would be easier if you just moved in" cause she would never live in my life it doesn't meet her standards. I told my sister yesterday mother is not going to change we just have to figure out how to handle her without driving us crazy.If She can do for herself and wont try then we will just have to put her some where. We both work and have to work and both have lives other than my parents. She choose her life to be alone and friendless she can live with it. She wants to sit there and do nothing till she dies so be it I am not wasting my time left..since everyone is dying. Why prolong her life by going to the doctors when she is not doing what they say and want live her life while she can. Theres no help out there to fix it its something she and we will have to choose how to deal with. If it keeps getting worse which I know it will death will be a comfort.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Wow. And all this time I thought I was alone. My mother is a negative, complaining, pouter who puts me down all the time and has since childhood. She is always "just trying to help me" with her comments. In her eyes I have always been fat, even though the largest size I have ever worn was a ten. I always need a new hair style. I am always getting fired from my job. A job I have had for almost 20 years with never a bad yearly review. And when I comment on something it is always the demeaning "oh Stacy, that is so ___________ (silly, stupid, whatever). In almost 50 years of life, I have yet to look in the mirror and not hate my body or my face. I have never felt thin and/or beautiful. Frankly, some folks find me very attractive, and most don't think I am UNattractive. Oh, and she would never say (or even imply) I am smart and therefore I have never felt that way. Her demeaning and confidence crushing led me down an early adult path of allowing men to physically and sexually abuse me. I felt I should just be happy to be getting attention, no matter what kind. I never had the confidence to do well in school or pursue a quality education. I graduated from college with some useless home economics degree. I wanted to be a doctor but she didn't think I was smart enough, so therefore neither did I. Thirty years later, I am trying to rebuild (or build) some self esteem and I can't blame her or my father for all my life problems and bad decisions. I only place blame on them for the problems and poor decisions up through my mid twenties. I think that is fair.

I don't believe she is evil. I just believe she has NO confidence of her own and never has. . She shrugs her lack of confidence in herself on me. I also believe she is a very unhappy person. I don't hate her. I do wish she had some happiness in her life. Frankly, my father lacks self confidence as well. And he belittled me as well growing up. I got a right hook and left jab every day for 18 years. But this thread is about moms....not moms and dads.

I have found that taking up for myself is nonproductive. She gets her feelings hurt and pouts.

Strangely, she acts jealous when something good happens to me or I make it happen. She also acts like it is some sort of negative reflection on her. For example, loosing weight or saving up enough to get a new car. I guess it is all about her.

I moved out when I was 18 and would live in a box under a bridge before I move back in with her. I have made it very clear; she cannot come live with me if dad passes before her. No way! No way! God help you guys that live with your mother.

She shows her love with gifting money. All I have ever really wanted is to be told I am AWESOME and GREAT and WORTH WHILE, just the way I am. I love you...man that would really be nice to hear, just once.

I don't hate my mom. I do think she loves me. I really don't know that she means harm by her actions. She worries all the time about me. I do wish things were different but the only way that is going to happen is if I allow her to run and rule my life and continue to make me feel like a sack of crap.

 

100% helpful
karinanne answered...

I liked what someone else said about this...that you can't have any control over what people do but can have control about how you react to what they're doing. This is so true. Hopefully none of us acts this way toward others or causes as much stress in someones elses lives as our mothers have caused in ours!! I have blocked my phone for periods of time if I get too many negative phone calls about my siblings and other issues on a daily basis. You have to preserve your sanity and maintain control of your life while loving your mother in any way that you can.

 

100% helpful
Janer203 answered...

I got online to see if anyone else deals with all the guilt and frustration my siblings and myself are dealing with .and oh WOW are we not alone!!! My mother preached all the right things to us ... Be respectful of others, honor thy mother and father, never cry wolf,etc . But she never applied the rules to herself. My oldest sister is handicap so I got moved into first position. My mother was so sick my whole life that I worried ever day I would come home from school to find her dead. I even got up ever night to make sure she was still breathing. So I assumed responsibility for the younger siblings. There are six of us. I was raised by a step dad whom I never doubted love me as much as his own. he was a wonderful man and the only "normal" thing in our lives. She made sure I drew his bath, rubbed his feet, and kept his tea glas full to show my appreation for his taking care of us. She didn't have to force this because I loved him so very much I wanted to do it. She never forgave any wrong doings she claimed were done to her by her mother, father, siblings, ex-husband, etc. If we did something wrong she would torment us relentlessly. still to this day even if it was thirty or more years ago. Long story short..we are all dysfunctional because I had no clue how to raise children. When my dad had triple bypass surgery she wondered why we were worried about him...said she was the one we should be worried about. When he got lung cancer she wouldn't allow him to take oxygen. She acted sicker than him so that he was more worried about her than himself. He's been gone ten years now and she is really getting sick now and nobody cares. The guilt is overwhelming. I am going to have to take her home with me. I have four kids and four grandkids and they are my life. I stay very busy with them. They don't care to be around her either. My point is: we all go back to honor thy mother and father but we keep forgetting that the bible also say the parents are not to bring Wrath unto their children. So who's wrong here really?

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Why do you have to have her live with you? Are there not nursing homes in your community? Why do you feel you are obligated to making your life a miserable wreck to serve someone else? Really, she would be happier in a home with people that are able to take care of her. I have a lot of issues with my Mom that I am still working on, but one thing I finally realized - I do not owe her my life or my happiness to either of my Parents.

 

100% helpful
the worker answered...

I have to come back to this page when I am feeling frustrated and guilty about being irritated with my MIL. She has moved in with us now and it's easier than having her live separately (only one house to worry about and easier to check on her when she wakes up confused). I check on her multiple times a day, and she has her own space... Whoever says they just walk away when their mom starts with manipulating behavior was a genius! Thanks for pouring out your hearts. Glad I'm not alone.

 

100% helpful
Lionface73 answered...

Dear sll, what we have here are narcissistic parents. My three sisters were brought up by one and if it wasn't for my poor bullied dad we would have had no parenting at all. Who is that scowling angry looking woman in the family photograps? standing nearby (but never too close) to the girls all lined up an a row. The resentment is etched on her face. No sons, my father's fault (of course). My mother the caring nurse who went to work to be adored by her patients. The mother who spent Christmas Day at work for over ten years of our childhood. The girls pushed out of the house at sixteen and told to get on with it. Three sisters emigrated, one stayed behind but 300 miles apart. The mother who neglected my father and lined up a new husband to marry as soon as my dad died. Off she goes to New Zealand. Now that husband is dead and she is back in England, and complaining that she has no family near her (I don't count). She is coming up to 90 and wants a huge celebration "with all her family round her" it isn't going to happen. She is also a "Christian" and likes to wear a cross round her neck, go to services to gossip, keeps insulting pieces of paper which say that she hopes that my family will "come to know Jesus" we have never been Christians and find this insulting, hypocritical and perverse. People care for others and are cared back because as humans we recognise true warmth and empathy. There is is no reason to go near these creatures of malice and spite unless it is to care for their outward needs and never play their nasty mind games. Just because people have been birth mothers and fathers does not make them mothers and fathers. I wish you all well look after your (selves) your needs must come first. I treasure the memory of my kind father, the stories, the games, the palette he made for me when I wanted to be a painter, his love of his daughters as individuals and his kindness to strangers. Now my sons have taken on some of this inherited selflessness. Your narcissistic parent is trapped in his/her world and everything you do will be despised because they are jealous of you and will try to kill your spirit. Happiness is your only revenge. xx

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Mr. Rosenfeld makes an excellent point in his answer that the writer had "sanctioned" bad behavior by her mom. For those of you who's parents are still only 50, 60, break the cycle NOW. My father-in-law has always been a jerk, especially after a couple of martini's (which he HAS to have every night). But his daughter and son have always excused hin "Oh, give him a break, he' s 60, he's 70," Unfortunately he is now 90, and after a drink has no problem grabbing passing waitresses by the arm or standing up in the middle of a restaurant and waving his arms if his 2nd martini is not there fast enough.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I had a lot more I was going to write but just wanted to mention, for now, what my brother said the other day. He's 50, I'm 48 and he said that the average life is in the 70s. Our mom is 81. He said anything past the 70s is grave and that she's lived a good life. This helped to remove a lot of guilt feelings about struggling with her control and learning how to support her once my dad died. I have such a sense peace, joy and freedom since he said that, although my mom and I got into a conversation tonight that left me feeling like, "Oh my goodness! Where is my parachute?!" My mom also drinks and so did my dad. My mom, obviously, does not think she has a problem and I should have known better than to suggest that maybe she takes on too many burdens if she finds herself needing a drink to cope. She claimed she drinks it for a tickle in her throat and to help her with a cough. That it's much better than cough syrup which drugs a person and has alcohol, too. That's just the tip of the irrational things that come out - than she begins to attack me and dredge up yucky stuff from my past as a defense. I don't know how many times I've vowed never to talk with her at night but something in me always holds out hope for a better relationship. I can understand when people feel hopeless in this situation.

I am determined to take on the attitude towards my mom that 'it's all gravy after 70' without telling her that, of course. She is the most strong-willed, controlling person I have ever known (and it probably only seems that way because we're in the same family), but she won't make it easy.

I called two friends, tonight, to ask them to pray for me, because I felt so torn apart afterwards. I honestly feel as though I've put my life on hold because of my parents being older when they had me. I plan to 'run away from home' when the time is right, Lord willing and Lord help me. My brother lives up the road from her, he's married and he has a better way of understanding how to just placate my mom with what he thinks she wants to hear. I was hopelessly holding out for something better but am going to surrender that hope for good, now. God grant me the peace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

hi there everyone. i am just as glad as everyone else on this thread that there are other people in the same situation as me. Not glad that you all have terrible mothers, but there are people out there reaching out to share their stories and advice. unlike most of you i am much younger, only in my 20's. I was born with a disability that has left me weaker and in generally poor health my entire life. My mother seemed to understand that i was disabled as a child and even helped me get the surguries i needed to walk correctly. She's always been pushy though, over-bearing, rude, self centered and just generally negative and emotionally abusive... Whenever i asked my mother questions her most common answer was "i don't care". Whenever she is at family funtions she is the one who starts all the drama. She will literally fly off the handle in an all consuming rage if my neice or nephew (7 and 4y/o) does something a small child does, like poke fun or talk back. Now that i'm older and trying to take care of myself i realize i need some kind of help, help that my mother is no longer willing to give. I can't really work in my condition so i've been trying to get some kind of financial help, a.k.a disability benefits in some form... When my mother heard this news she got into a heated argument with me saying that my idea was "stupid" and that i should just run to the local hospital and get my shoulder operation. Excuse me but, mom, thats not the only thing wrong with me and 1 surgery is not going to make it so i can work 2 or 3 jobs like everyone else! She continued to insult me and make me feel like a worthless freak until i couldn't handle it. I exploded at her, and to my astonisment, i felt much better. i have never stood up to my mother my entire life; something that she also likes to pick on me for... "When are you gonna grow up and get a backbone?" As a child she even went so far as to tell me that i was a mistake, that she never wanted me... Seriously, isn't your mother supposed to love you unconditionally? Why doesn't she understand that even though i'm older that hasn't made my disabilities dissapear? Does she get some sort of joy from putting my brother on a pedestal while continuously putting me down? I can't even talk to my mother anymore without some sort of argument, or without her making me have an emotional breakdown... I just don't know what to do. I dread the day my mother needs me to take care of her...

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

gilbert1029 - for the sake of your younger brothers and sisters, report the abuse to some authority figure at school or go to the police. We constantly read about horrific abuse of a child, only to hear that the siblings never said anything. Maybe out of fear, but at some point you have to do the right thing.

 

50% helpful
Antinous answered...

I have a familiar experience...I'm still in my prime, just going into Adulthood, but it seems that she has shaken me out of my proper wit. She is over bearing, contradicting, manupilative and of know help when I have an issue at heart. She wants a daughter that has no 'issues' whatsoever. When she simply walks behind me, I get an anxiety attack, if she pries me for anything I fall into a nervous break down, and if she even continues to push me, even physically, I grow into a fit of screaming aggression, qualities that I had never shown until this year, which worries me at most. My mother is a worrying person, but shows it through anger, control, and using the weakest member of the family as a punching bag. My father says it is best to ignore it, but I'm at my end here, I feel the best solution is to simply walk out and fend more myself because in life your first priority always has to be you, before anything else.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Hello to all of you. This subject seems to be a very popular topic. I, too, have been caring for a 77 year old mother for over a year in my home, but actually it's more like most of my life. I have accepted the fact that since my father passed away over a year ago that it is me again doing the work for a woman who is and has been unable to accept any kind of learning concepts of any sort as long as she can get someone else to do it all for her. I have come to the conclusion that when the new year comes she will be living in a new place. I am too tired and frustrated to go on any longer. I still go to a support group when I can, but it never fails that every day I hear the same well-meaning people make the sam remarks: "you are doing the right thing", "you will be able to look in the mirror when it's all done", "you were the stronger child, (I was chosen)" and so forth, on and on. Well, now it is time for me to take back my own life and get on. Her needs will be met with a better living arrangement than here with me. She has moderate ALZ, but no physical problems except she is so stubborn, she won't listen to her Dr. and follow any orders. When I make plans for her to go and be with others who share her same issues at the Sr. Center, she actually causes a disturbance during the nite so I will feel guilty or worried about taking her later in the morning. I think we all have to stop fretting and step up to the plate when it comes to our own needs. It's just that simple. Most of us have families and other obligations, yet we all seem to fall back into the same rut, because it's our parent. I am going to need alot of therapy (more than I am able to squeeze in right now) due to alot of baggage I have carried aroung for over 50 years. I am an adult and need to take care of myself; for my grandchildren's sake who have had to wait in line. I cannot let this situation go on any longer. Some day I will be able to look into my family's eyes and not regret what decision was best for everyone, not just her. Thank you and God bless you all.

 

67% helpful
killingmesoftly answered...

Please check out Narcissists Suck blog at the following website,

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com.

While it doesn't sound like a very nice title, these are not very nice people.

I found my sanity there, and now keep my distance. Against everything I was taught to be a "nice" person. Narcissist's love "nice" people.
And Yes, I am a God fearing woman! with a bit o wisdom now! also just google NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
60% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Sounds like we all have selfish female dogs for mothers. My mother is no better and i am her door mat. She hated my father whom i loved. She tried to kill him twice and failed. My mother told me that his last words before he died were "you won" not tell my daughter i love her. She refuses to bath for weeks on end and then says I am crazy when she smells like dead fish. I hate my mother and have developed boundaries with her. My husband thinks I am cruel until she starts in on him, then it's not ok. Yea, right. Ultimately there must have been some ingredient in the drinking water during the 1920's up until the 40's that caused these women to become hateful and selfish. It's like a brain disorder that needs drugs to keep them sedated. Meanwhile, we are the victims who must protect ourselves by simply saying, "NO". Call the police and get them out of your house, avoid them, stay away from them as much as possible and never ever invite them to live in your home. This generation of bad mothers will eventually move to their next lives and we will be free to not be harassed ever again. Just say "NO". It sounds mean and nasty but it works. I feel guilty a lot for being so mean and heartless but i have to else she will kill me with her words. The few she already says to me are horrific. I wish all mothers age 70 years and older could read this website and snap out of this evil rampage that they are on.

 

100% helpful
topazseas answered...

To the OP. Has whatever made you not like her in the past changed? Or is she the same person you don't like, but feel since time is running out you "should" make an effort? You can do two things, 1. realize she is not going to change no matter how much you want her to or how much you beg her to, so blow off the fantasy of a few loving last years, 2. ignore the insults and criticize and count the parts that are pleasant as your last loving memories. I had to face the same situation with my mother. My mother has Narcissist Personality Disorder. When I was a kid, she made our home a living hell with her selfishness, conceit, tantrums, and demands. My feelings for her have always been between dislike and hate. After my dad died I became responsible for her. Although perfectly healthy and mobile, she's never been able to function outside of an academic environment. She is so self absorbed that she would pay the bills in her own good time, and then get hysterically mad when the utilities companies threatened to cut her off for nonpayment. Her 4% credit card went to 25% when she told them she can't rush her guts out -- paying them on their schedule. It came down to, either she spends every dime my father saved on an upscale nursing home or I move in to take care of her. I couldn't lose my inheritance, so I moved in with her. It's been 4 years now. She is exactly the same person she was when I was a kid. Still acts just as entitled. Still ALWAYS thinks she should come first. She loves to say, "I'm 88 years old! I don't have that much longer to live, so when I die you can ______". I am expected to put my life on hold until she herself is dead and gone. She is healthy enough to live into her 90s. I live with a constant power struggle right down to fighting with her about repairs on the house. A outside wall cracked leaking rainwater, ruining the wall and floor. When she dies I can fix it, she doesn't want workman in the house. After 56 years of abuse, I have learned to let the idea of a mother go. After many, many slaps in the face for trying to make her happy, I now refuse to lift a finger outside of general care. I won't acknowledge her birthday. She sits alone at Thanksgiving. I will not talk to her about anything besides her care. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a detached employee. The emotional expense of getting to this point has been horrendous, though. I'm more unhealthy from stress and sorrow than she is from old age. I am never going to have a mother. Instead, I have a mean spirited dependent child.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
75% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I dont like my mother, she is a 71 year old woman, bittered and bad, the irony of life is that today, we received the news that my aunt has cancer and is going to die soon, my aunt came to take care of my mother who will have a bypass sirgury next month, and my mother treated her very bad when she started with the first symptoms, she threw away from our house, saying she was faking them, today her cancer has spread, too much, we did not know the ill one was my aunt.

All the family treated my aunt very bad, very evil with her, i guess no one will ever hurt her again, we are presbyterians but god help my family, they´re all snakes, i am very sad today, my aunt is a very good person, i just dont understand why bad things happen to good people and bad people is still alive.

 

100% helpful
youngest-of-7 answered...

Just today I got a call from my mom stating she is on the floor and has been there all night. I went right over and cried when I found her on the floor, peed herself, purple nose, fingers, toes. I got her in bed and warmed her up. I fed her, got her hot coffee and gave her a smoke and and an ashtray. My heart hurt so bad.

I am 39. Mom had 7 kids. I am the youngest. The first 4 kids and her first husband left her. She then had my two sisters and I. I only know my two sisters growing up. Being the youngest and most sensitive, I was very close to my mom. I was very perceptive at a very early age being able to read social situations very well. The first thing I remember is my mom is a liar. She is a phony person. She is an angry person. She is a lazy, manipulative person. Being young, all I could do was watch and learn and as I grew older, I vowed to never be this way, ever. The only thing I can say that she did good raising us, is she took us to church and lived (hypicritically) a life of Christianity. We three girls believed in God and in His mercy and love; and still do.

As us three girls became adults, she could no longer get welfare for us. The manipulation began. I was the stable one, married and bought a home by 23 yrs old. She moved in. I resented her but could not tell her that. I hated the way she woke up and started cussing and slamming things. She would yell and my two young boys, she would answer my husband's questions as if she was the wife. I couldn't leave the house without her asking where I was going and than saying "oh, i'll come with." Oooohhh, I hate that phrase to this day. I finally wrote her a note telling her that I will not allow her to continue to expose my children to her negative nelly, racist, profanity and if she did not change, she needs to leave. She wrote back and said she is moving out and she did not speak to me for two weeks. She moved. I swore then that she would never live with me again. Well, for the last 17 years, she has been unable to drive. I have been her connection to the outside world. I am so tired. I have watched her deteriorate over the 17 years and although she has slowed down, she is still negative, refuses to see positively She refuses to participate in her building's activites. She gossips, and says mean hateful things. Nothing is ever good enough. Everyone is out to get her. She takes every comment and turns it into some sort of conspiricy against her. She is in a beautiful apartment in a center that many many seniors would kill to live in and she is dead set on moving out. She has been talking about moving for past 2 years. I keep telling her she has to find another apartment and move herself.

She wants to move back in with me. Since her apartment building banned smoking in her apartment, she is forced to walk far across the property to a make shift smoking area. It broke my heart and that is what started the manipulation that lead to her laying on the floor all night. I have been bringing her out to my house every weekend so she doesnot have walk so far to smoke. She gets waited on hand and foot at my house. I must cook when I am tired and she has never said a clear THANK YOU. It is always low and muted when I hand her food and drink. She is stubborn and will not budge and holds grduges like you wouldn't believe. Now though, she is playing the "I can't see well, I can't walk well, I can't live on my own anymore".

So, I am on vacation all week long and could have had her stay all week with me but i still took her home because when she stays at my house, my whole family is displaced as she must sleep in my bed in my room. I sleep with my youngest son, my husband in my oldest son's bed. But, when hubby has to work, she needs to go to her own house.
So, she tried the manipulation the day I was taking her home and I blocked it. I held firm that she go home. So, she had to think of something more dramatic. My husband took her home and that night, she fell, and slept all nigth on the floor freezing (so I thought). My sister called her after I left and my sister called me back and said she is full of sh*t that she couldn't answer any questions about the fall and why she didn't call last night rather than this morning.

Anyway, I stood my ground and told my mom that if she feels unsafe living on her own, I will start looking for a nursing home and she would lose all her nice things. I went home and left her at her apartment. I am hoping that since I didn't scoop her up and bring her back to my house, she will see that these stunts won't help her get in to my house, rather, I will put her in a home.

I have taken care of this woman for 17 years, have put up with her and prayed so hard to be relieved of the resentment in my heart. Just as I started to love her again, she pulls this. She has lived her life through me long enough. She will not get into my house.

Thanks for listening.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
50% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

i have a terrible mom too. im pretty young compared to the rest of the people here and probably might take time until i realize a few things but i do hate my mom for lots of reasons my mom acts like a 2 year old. she does immature things when she gets angry with us but abuses the parent powers she has on us since we're still minors. when you do something small like tell her shes a bad teacher -because shes one of those people that thinks she can do anything even though she hasnt tried yet and fails at it when she actually does try- she'll give the worse punishment like she wont take me and my sisters to school or pay for food for any of us. shes been a terrible person even when she married my dad. she gives him trouble and doesnt seem like she likes him at all when they got married since she took his car keys when he passed out on the floor nd left him there for the security guard to help him and this wasnt even before the first child was born. she wasnt that mental in the past but she did hit us. one time we stayed out playing for 5 mins past the time she wanted us in, she hit us w/ this 3 inch thick pole nd gave us all bruises currently now, my mom is in bad health. because her life, since i can remember, has always been absorbed w/ asian dramas, she a shut in. she doesnt have friends or anything and depends on everyone else to do the work for her. shes lazy when it comes to her own work, in jobs, shes categorized as those mindless ants u can fire because theyre not trying at all nd yet ur paying them kind of person. when the economy went bad she was so happy she spent the first 6 months watching dramas. then when our house was being foreclosed, she finally cared since then we need to find a new house, but when she tries to get a job she makes me and my sisters do all the work for her even though were too young to understand work application terms yet. she thinks kids are made as slave to do the parents work and if they dont listen then they dont deserve to be fed or taken care of which is weird since she doesnt even care for us at all our childhood. she only did a little bit but then gets tired nd gets our grandmas to watch us so she can watch tv. she even gave away my youngest sister for several years before going bak to pick her up. my mom hasnt taught us a thing but when my sister does something she finds wrong she yells at them like as if shes been repeating them not to do that when she hasnt even done that. then she blames the school for not teaching us right since we give her a bad attitude for her neglect. it doesnt go through her head that its her fault. she thinks we're born bad and that we mistreat everyone that way and that the school is the one tht teaches the children everything that the parents are supposed to teach. she thinks everyone is like her and thinks that nobody would want to spend the time with you but thats pretty much her way of saying she doesnt want us. shes money greedy too. the child support money that our dads been paying, after he divorced her and got a new wife, she hoards that money and doesnt spend it on us. when we got the ebt card for food since my dad had to help her with it, or else we'd have nothing right now, she uses that money on our uncle nd his kids instead. After her "victory" of kicking my dad out, since he didnt want to leave us with her, she came bak begging for him and threatens his new wife and stuff. shes really dumb when it comes to everything and i mean everything, but she doesnt try to be smarter because she doesnt want to waste the little effort that she still has with learning yet she thinks she can get any job without a college degree or a ged. shes only smart when it comes to finding out where my dad lives. she stalks his life, recognize his car license plate and phone number and looks at his mail while i cant even think of how thats even possible she can get all the stuff in the first place. then when she gets a call from him to hang out with his kids she comes and doesnt bring us and tells him that we cant make it so she can be with him. the way she acts and stuff is all retarded though compared to that stalker behavior. my mom doesnt even bother learning english because she thinks you can live in america without speaking it. because of her way of thinking she doesnt read nd understand fully about anything. she thought UNLV was scamming her when she applied for it because she doesnt understand that the internet is not That specific when it comes to their searches and seeing that she cant read and her brain process is very very very slow, she'll end up with loads of bills from places that she applied for that she thought were jobs. she doesnt even listen at all to what we say. like she will be angry at me and give me lessons on how to listen even though she needs them. she'll give us some contradicting answer to what we just asked. when the assistant of admissions for this college said she'd help her get her diploma and stuff so she can actually get her life on track she doesnt even bother listening. my grandma told me that she wanted to do nails for 20 years but havent even started learning then when she actually tried shes not even good at it for the fact she hasnt practiced one bit. the sad thing was that my mom used to be like my sister. she was beautiful and popular, but it somehow took a turn for the worst too quickly since shes been watching asian dramas. it even made her handicapped on the legs because she doesnt use them much anymore. because of the neglect, me and my sisters depend on each other but she'd come and bother us sometimes, but she acts like we're the first human being to cross her path or something because she treats us how people treats their dogs and pets us in places that most moms dont do, like shes really confused as to what people are and how their mind thinks compared to hers and thats only in her happy mood. my mom hasnt been any influence at all to me and my sisters that we hate her enough to get a restraining order on her when we graduate since we know she'll come stalking us so we can pay her back the money we "owe" her. she's kept count of all the money she spent on us so that we can pay her back. she thinks the whole world is a gold digger like her. she'll follow us when we have dates so she can get the guy to pay for her. when she watches tv and sees people spend their money on something like childrens cancer or care for their pet like family she thinks theyre crazy and says something that would make anybody angry since her logic is opposite of what anybody would think. because she doesnt teach us well and our grandma doesnt cover much teaching when she raised us, my sisters did anything she wanted. one of them does drugs, got a tattoo, when out a lot and shop lifts and shes just a freshmen. yet shes also the one most bothered by my mom. my mom says stuff that will drop me and my sisters into depression. that same sister later overdosed but lived. then my mom agreed to sending her to a mental hospital and to also give her medication for something she doesnt need since my mom was the reason for it, not some disorder.

i can really go on about what else my mom does and i feel happy that at least theres somewhere i can actually go to to talk about it since people here have the same similar issues about their mother. i dont know if i'll end up having to care for her in the future but i'd rather stay out of her sight when i get a nice life ahead of me.

 

100% helpful
ItWillBeAlright answered...

My fingers are shaky even as I type this. I pray that having these feelings doesn't make me a bad person.

The start: The beginning of the problems with my mother began before I was even born, if you ask me. My grandmother (a horrible, abusive, sneaky person) was a cold, mean mother to her daughter, my mother. My grandmother later married a man that began to sexually abuse my mother. That man, my mother's stepfather is actually my birth father. He began sexually abusing my mother at age 11, and he got her pregnant at age 14. I was born when she was 15. Because of her teen pregnancy, my mother was teased in school and call hateful, judgmental things like "whore" and "tramp" by teachers and her peers. Many of the friends that she had stopped associating with her because of her "condition" meaning her pregnancy.

Regarding my home life: There was so much tension in my childhood home. My grandmother was angry at my mother for "stealing" her husband. My mother was "in-love" with her abuser, my father, her stepfather. I was a tiny kid in the middle of the madness. I remember watching my mother fistfight with other members of the household. So much anger and madness. Also, she knew that in the midst of this chaos my father was verbally abusing me constantly. I admit that I was at least borderline suicidal by the time I was age 18. I thought about it constantly, about how absolutely wonderful it would be to close my eyes and never wake up.

Fast forward many years, my mother and my father (the abuser) moved into their own apartment from a hellish home where both my mother, my grandmother and my father used to co-habitate. Not surprisingly, their relationship dissolved in a tornado of anger, blame, failure, threats and sadness. God blessed me with a wonderful man very early in my adulthood. We got married at age 22 and I moved away from the perverted situation.

Once my mother finally left her abuser, my father, she found herself very nearly destitute. She compounded her poverty by sleeping with a friend of hers and getting pregnant again. She was 41.

Despite the tender newness of my marriage and the very low funds that we had as newlyweds, my parents both began calling and asking me and my new young husband for money. We didn't have money, we had just gotten our car repossessed and they knew that, but still called for money. We were trying to pay our rent and we could not afford to pay our utilities, but still my mother would call and ask for money. My credit report was in ruins due to the fact that my mother had used my credit to pay off her debts while I was still living in their house, but still they she called us for favors, for supplies, for food, for money, for anything she needed. She seemed to feel miserably failed and disappointed when we did not provide her everything she needed.

As the years have passed, my mother has steadily burrowed herself into our lives as an occasional dependent. Sometimes she needs food, sometimes she needs clothes for her child (my very young half-brother) sometimes she needs babysitting. She is never a provider for us (except that she watches our children seldomly). When she does watch them I always feel obligated to pay her for watching her grandchildren, either is food, money or services.

Lately she has taken to complaining about how I don't "do her right." She gets angry when I give anything to anyone else, including my friends. She admires my home and "borrows" things from me without asking. She says that she should receive the things instead. She tells me that I always hurt her feelings whenever I talk to her about any issues. She begins to weep pathetically or scream at me instead of simply having a level, mature adult discussing about issues. She has said that she feels that she is literally a "perfect mother and grandmother." Perfect? How ridiculous.

Lastly, I will add that I never went to college. My mother and father never saved any money, and my father refused to sign my financial aid papers so that I could get college funding. I think his reasons were partly sadistic, he was a depressed sadist. I think it was also due to his fear of it being legally documented that he was my birth father. It would point to his sexual abuse of my mother as such a young age.

...I think I blame my mother for her foolishness, her gullability and her emotional weakness, her usury tendencies and her cavernous sense of entitlement. I used to cook her meals thinking that should appreciate them. Instead, she just started feeling entitled to being fed by me, which also includes my paying for her at restaurants should we decide to have a family meal.

I hate that I am always the strong one between her and myself. She crumples into my arms and cries, never the other way. She wants me to support her life, not the other way. She wants me to pay for her bills, not the other way. Thank God for my husband's family. They are crazy, but at least it's a "normal" crazy. And though my husband's father dumped my husband into his grandmother's lap when he was only a toddler, at least his grandparents have been supportive of us in the way that parents, I feel, should be.

These days I often babysit my 11 year old brother (I'm 36). Whenever we do so, we can't leave the house because we don't have a car that can fit us all. It frustrates me because I have 5 children of my own and I enjoy taking them places. I never got taken fun places like the zoo when I was a child, and I want my children to have healthy memories of our family. However instead of doing this, I do indoor crafts and games with my children when my brother is dropped off. I have told my mother that I don't like being stranded at the house, but she still dumps my brother on me whenever she needs too. So, instead of the 5 children aged 10, 9, 8, 6, and 18 months, I now have 6 children stranded in a house all day. And the basic reason that my brother is with me instead of a daycare is because he is violent. He punches children, scratches workers, bites and spits on everyone. My mother has never disciplined him. My husband and I have disciplined him. Ergo, our home is the only home where here is not wild and violent.

I thought I would feel better after typing all of this, but I just feel tired. I feel angry. I haven't told really a quarter of all the emotional and financial hazard that I have suffered at my parents hand. I'll just let it go.

Thank God for being the hands and heart that heals our minds and trains us in the way to go.

 

100% helpful
Heatherfina answered...

Thank you to everyone who wrote in their stories. I was having a melt down today after dealing with a new issue with my Mother. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 19 and involuntarily committed to St. Elizabeths mental institution for a brief period of time. She took medication that she says made her head feel like it was filled with sandpaper and people around her at the time said she was a well behaved zombie. She went back to college and got her degree, met my Father in an art class and became pregnant with me and got married. She went off her medication, her marriage fell apart and she and I moved in with her Mother where we lived with almost hourly screaming tirades. She controlled every aspect of the house, she was obsessed with me ice skating, modeling, acting, everything she ever wanted to do. She made every detail of life as difficult as possible. She wanted me to be thin and we had very little money and when Granny would go food shopping she would eat everything in one night and then write nasty letters to the kind neighbors who would give Granny a ride to the store. Everything was a battle. I was moved to my Father's parents home at age 14 -18 because I had started running away. I love my Mom and their are some beautiful aspects to her personality. My Mother continued to live with her Mother until she died when I was 17. Her Brother became in charge and sold the home for very little money to a neighbor and she became homeless for 3 months. He then moved her into a trailer park and she lived there for five years. She could not manage her life in any aspect, I moved to nyc and got a good job and bought her a four bedroom home in pa. None of my friends or family wanted to help her in anyway because she was so difficult to deal with, but I loved her and felt sorry for her. When I moved her out of the trailer it had no heat, or water and she had collected 18 cats and a dog. I moved them all (many of them kittens) in one car and then found them homes. I let her keep the dog and three cats. It has been 10 years and she is still living in the house and is still very difficult. On the good side, she has made great strides toward independence. She used to spend her ss check in one week and now can manage month to month, she has made friends and the community she lives in is quite wonderful. However I pay all the bills for her and now I am 35 and in a great relationship and have plans to get married and want to have a child of my own. Today I was upset because last month I her gas and light bill set up to be taken out of her bank account and she closed it so it couldn't be taken out this month. I have POA and tomorrow I will have to spend the day sorting it all out. She resents having to pay anything at all towards bills, she uses guilt and manipulation to get her way and I have not helped because I have found it easier to just pay up. I want my own life, I want a family. When I try to reach out to organizations that deal with mental illness all I get is the medication speech. She is not a danger to herself or others, just a serious pain to deal with, she does not want medication and I don't want to force her on it. I need to set boundaries and maybe become her guardian, I'm not sure. One thing I know is I am so happy to have found this website. My Father's Mother made me promise over and over when I was little to never let my Mother live with me, I didn't and I am glad but she has taken over by being a financial bully. Anyone who has any clue how to help get her financially independent please let me know. My heart goes out to everyone in this situation. :)

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Gees practically everyone is bang on with the same characteristics of my mom. Love/hate, I'm early 50s too. Controlling, yelling at me, telling everyone off, snaps easily, then the sweetness and fun personality. But the delegating, constant calls 18x/day, I'm on a short leash, I am not even interested in getting married, lost hope, feel low. Try my best. She praises me so much to everyone and thanks me galore. Why are these women like this???? They don't realize it. She suffers from aches/pains then vents and blasts me or tells me stories over and over, as if it's the first time. This morning told me not to talk with the neighbours ever. She's an organized hoarder and I have to do all the heavy lifting and god forbid I set up something from the right side it's wrong cuz she's left handed. She hit me til 25, now just shouts at me and says she is not mad at me she is just frustrated.

 

100% helpful
Cbwb answered...

Thank God it's not just me... I am 41 and stuck caring for my vile mother after she had a stroke 2 years ago. All my life she has lied to me, she left my dad and took me with her (I was 2yrs), my brother refused to go with her and stayed with my dad (he was 12yrs so knew his own mind). She was drunk pretty much most of my childhood and she had me drinking large glasses of sherry when I was 8yrs. But, she hasn't done anything wrong according to her. My dad died 10yrs ago and the house went to mother. It was just the two of us at home as, if I didn't stay, she would lose the house through using the bills money to pay for fags and alcohol. Needless to say, the stroke was expected! I am now stuck.. if she goes into a home then the house gets sold to pay for her fees and I have nowhere to live. This has been my home (parents remarried when I was 12yrs) for most of my life and I have happy memories of me and dad here. She is disabled, incontinent and has lost her speech. Funnily enough, my brother said the first thing to come back when she woke up was the tut and eyeroll that she always does. She is now very abusive, shouts and cries all the time if she doesn't get her way and won't listen to reason, just shouts over you when you are trying to get your point across. My brother and I didn't expect her to last this long but she seems to be getting stronger. I am so fed up and have no life. I have had a bad back injury for over a year and just had treatment before Christmas. I asked her to not be so needy but she's got worse and, when I explain I cannot pick up whatever she has thrown onto the floor, she gives me filthy looks and then sulks and ignores me. Her friends all think she is wonderful because, outside of the family, she is completely different. So no-one can understand why I'm so fed up with her and make me feel like the bad guy in this. I've since made a decision that by Christmas 2013 she will be out of my life forever. Gives me time to save if I have to move. I can't do it anymore, I've had it. I am just thankful that I can see other people who are so fed up and feel the same, it helps a little...

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

A co-worker just told me her daughter made valedictorian. I like my co-worker and am proud for her and her daughter. However it brought up some painful memories. I would get the belt or the flat rubber hose, if I made ABOVE a C in any class during school. Yes, you read that correctly. I got a copy of my high school transcript about 20 years ago. I have an IQ of 152. Her reasoning, men do not like smart women and I needed to insure I found a man. I am not a beauty queen and all those years of her getting me up at 6 am, and watching to insure I coiffed, shaved and primped before school. All those nauseating conversations about how men don't want to hear my mouth to keep it shut but the part I should open was my legs. Not enough to give away my virginity, just enough to get them calling. Blah, I just to barf when I think about it. My father was pretty much did anything she said. So he was no help. They paid for college and I was allowed to go to college as long as I majored in home economics and made grades C or lower and always had or was trying to obtain a man. I did what she asked for two years until I grew up and wised up some. But by then my GPA was so beaten down (pun intended) that I couldn't do what I wanted (vet school which requires a 3.0 MINIMUM to get in). I even talked to the dean at the vet school at UGA and he agreed my dream was not possible.

Thanks for listening. ::::::::::::::sigh::::::::::::::::::::

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Of course my mother remembers none of her sage advice and says I am untruthful. And maybe I am remembering her more stern that was she really was. I know she came from a different time when women were actually taught the things she taught to me. She says she was teaching me to be lady. Oh well, it is over now. Again, thanks for listening.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

i can relate to all of you...im 19 and just had a baby...my mother is crazy she is demanding me to make up a schedule up to see my son one weekend a month and my dad as well...my parents are not married anymore so that would be 2 different households on 2 different weekends!!! am i nuts to think that this is wrong??? i am questioning my sanity. i live with my boyfriend (the father of my baby) and his mother... i think that my mother is jelous of my boyfriends mother because she lives with us and gets to see my son everyday. Before my mother knew i was pregnant we didnt talk that much but once she knew i was she wanted to be my best friend...if my mother can not except me for who i am even without a kid then i dont want her to except me with one. when i go over their for a family function me and my boyfriend both feel uncomfortable and before i was pregnant everything was fine. idont understand my family...my father was fine until just recently...please somone tell me what you think...i really dont want to choose between my boyfriend and son, and my family...the weird thing too is that before i had my son my dad wanted to get my dog for the weekend because i used to live with him and the dog did too but after i found out i was pregnant i took her and i moved out...this is all CRAZY!!!!!please help!!!!!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I have only read the first few reply. I notice that many of you in you 50 or so, having your own kids even grandchildren. Me, I am not even marrried, have kids and in my mid 30. I feel all your pain as I just got a phone call from my mom. After that, I got a headache, not sure is the constant calling or just tea side effect. I am always struggle with should I pick up the phone call or not. I will say I am a "mobile" caregiver. I don't have authority in her decision making like bank account, accomodation and OAS. Indeed, I take care all of her money. One time, I forgot her password. I pretend I am her and request a new password over the telephone banking. I feel like I was doing something "illegal" even I just try to manage her account, which I took no benefit from it. She also refuses to live outside her current residence. She is sort of onset Dementia or Alze...Who know what it is? Even the doctor can't be certain what she has or is. Long story short, before, I was afraid that she could kill herself as she think people "taking away her stuff or stealing" her stuff and money. She feel she is "tortured" in life as people surrounding her taking her benefit and belongings. She thoughts she has "NOTHING" in her life. Now I understand she won't kill herself as she thinks THOSE PEOPLE STEALING MY STUFF WON'T HAVE A GOOD LIFE (THOSE PEOPLE, ONE OF THEM IS HER LANDLORD) So she won't move out from her current residence. It is like.. IF I DEAD, I WON'T LET YOU GUYS GO. I WILL BE A GHOST AND YOU WON'T HAVE A GOOD LIFE. This thought makes her become even more scary mother (from my point of view). She refuses to go to visit her grandchildren. Strange eh? All her mind is thinking I want MY MONEY BACK (this is herself living in this self belief PEOPLE TAKE MY BENEFIT AND MONEY). I ask myself how long I can live like that? Having your mom asking you to get her "illusionary" money back every day and every chance she got to see you. She never let me go even just a moment she can get like a doctor goes to get something and come back to the room, your other family memeber just goes to washroom...Whenever she can't find something, she call me. Most of the time, I don't even know what item or thing she is talking about, she keep saying people taking her that or that.. She will bug me whatever she can, and keep blaming. When I finally got a chance to find the item, she just say NOTHING. One time, I demand a verbally word "Sorry, I was wrong and getting me the trouble." She still said nothing. I was so MAAAAAAd. What I AM? and WHO I AM?... I could spend a whole year try to think what she say was missing and keep hearing she say that all year around. I could spend the whole day to find the so called "FOUND" item once I comprehend what she means.. Everytime, no words of thank you or sorry. If you are me, what you will do. Life won't be any difference if I married or not or she moved in nursing home or not. I feel like there is always a "loan shark" stalking me. If you know what I mean.

I bet we all love our mother. We are just human. When things or people not respecting and hurting you, we will feel anger, hurted and somehow self hated because we don't want to hate our own mom.

I know I love her. Everytime I hug her, I hug her like a little rabbit. I can't ignore my own anger and hurt. Love is challenging when the person is not loveable.

Now she is turning to 65 soon ( SHE TOLD ME SHE WILL START TO NEED TO PROVIDE A POWER OF ATTORNEY WHEN SHE TURNS 75. HAHHAHA), I don't want to manage her money. Does anyone knows anything about trusty? That is what I will do after finishing writing this sentence.

Take care of yourself, mind, body and spirit

You are a caring daughter or son. You don't need your parent to tell you that. Your loved ones, children and grandchildren knows that. You don't need to be prefect to be a parent or daughter or son.

I am going to get married this year. I keep telling myself I am just human. I will try my best to be a good parent. I will admit my fault and mistake if I do something wrong to my children. I will always review my way of communicating my children and other people.

I don't want to find fault, but some fault just so noticeable in a person, how can I pretend not seeing it. So I won't, but I choose my action and aware my emotions whether it is positve or negative.

Again, Love yourself dearly as there is no one know how to love you more than YOU ((( hug to all broken wings, injury heart and kind women and men )))

 

Feelingdown answered...

My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this stress. My mom is happy this week. So it affects/effects me more positively and now I am happy this week. It's about 2 days. Last week she was calm for 3 days. What a relief. Honestly, I feel that I'll get my life back in April when I'm not booked by her twice a week to clean up her home and organize it too. Me, I'm in my 50s but not married. My inside fear is also that she will want to control all the wedding plans and arrangements like the last couple of times. I fear that believe it or not. She figures she is paying for it and she wants to ''give'' me away. I think that's gross for a woman to give away a bride. Also my health isn't great, so I can't think positive about finding a mate. I need surgery first. Sometimes I just don't want to meet a guy. I feel like I'm living two lives. I can't even set boundaries...I've tried but each time I feel like I'm punished because she demands two other days for me to help her if I can't make it. I gave up a lot of social things since a year ago.

So I just try to work hard and earn money. Today she told me how grateful she is and she looked at my past birthday cards I gave her and loved reading them. So she does appreciate me...and tells me 100 times... but then goes into a tailspin and takes it fit on other days when she is frustrated. For a while I never knew when the phone rings at 8 am if she is in a good mood or not. She doesn't sleep much and says she can't help it, and there's no solution she says.. she is not changing either about her character, she said years back that I should know what she's like already. It's so consuming. I'm sooo glad that we can write out our feelings and try to help one another and don't have to show our names.

 

Jewels30 answered...

ThanK God I found this website I thought I was alone. I will def. share my story but it will be a long one. My mom is selfish, controlling and hateful, will not let you talk she will talk overtop of you, she cares only of her self plus there is the debt of her shopping issues she must have the best of the best but she won't work, mom and dad split recently and my Mother has not talked to me in over a month.
This is why, I somewhat stood up to her, still more things I need to say, want to say mabe shouldn't that's why I need help anyway. ~~I stopped answering her calls~~~this is what happend at first she would ring my phone over and over and over a call a minute not stop all hours of the day and night. This went on 2 weeks to the point I couldn't even use my cell phone. I started picking up and hanging up hoping she would stop NOPE. So I answered and told her I am an adult know you need to stop trying to control me..........BAM Guilt Trip from hell....she disowned me. My dad can't stand her either they are not together 1st yr of that I saw my mother and her family on Thanksgiving she gave me the silence treatment the entire time in front of her family. Christmas came along my husbands grandmother passed away in an accident I spent most of my time with his family, I went and saw my Dads side of the family and stopped to see my mother just for a few minutes. She screamed at me and is upset with me for not spending all of my time with her. She threw my christmas gift at me and told me to leave. It's been a month know and I haven't spoken to her at all. I feel so sad, a part of me is gone. I think im doing better but times get hard and I don't have a support group.. Good luck and God Bless you. julie

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Here I am on the web looking to see if anyone else is having the same problems and YES! I feel so much better now!!!

I'm in my 40's and my mother has control of my brothers, but not me. I will not allow it. She has to know everything that goes on in our lives and she treats us like we are still children who cannot make final decisions or live up to our own responsibilities.

I had a recent talk with her and asked her to please treat her children like adults because we know what we are doing and to trust our judgement.

Ever since, she has been making little dig comments to me about it and throwing it back in my face.

I am giving her a Birthday party tomorrow and tonight she called because she keeps checking up on me to see if I am planning it correctly. I told her politely that I do know what I am doing and trust me...just show up for the party and enjoy yourself.

Well, she went crazy screaming at me and hung up on me. I just don't know what to do. I'm still having the party no matter if she shows up or not. It's too late, I bought all the food, decorations, and cake...invited everyone...I could just go on.

She just hates the fact I stand up for myself and she repeats herself way too many times questioning me over and over and over.

I'm so tired of the abuse. It is a form of mental abuse. She only does this to me because my brothers appease her by yes-sing her to death.

I refuse to do that. I'm a married woman with two children. This is ridiculous...if she doesn't like my answer, she fights with me.

What to do? As for all you daughters taking care of your mothers, God Bless you!!! That must be a hard task. Some day it will be my turn to care for my mother. She just keeps pushing me away...all I want is peace.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

there must be some reasons behind the behaviours! some reasons that even the one doesn't know it.That is to say,he or she even doesn't do it consciously . Even how wrong is he or she appearances to be,always remember that no one can really understand one person thoroughly .what we can do is to make her happy during her rest life within our control !Like treating a baby! After all she is our mother! After all we have grown up ,but our parents are getting old !Although we could not understand her even for many aspects,but we still love her,just as what you say!The answer is in yourself ,even how difficult it is for you.The god always knows the value what you have done. My best wishes for you and your family!

 

100% helpful
topazseas answered...

To the anonymous care giver who is throwing a b-day party for her mom.

The straw with me and my mom was...

Since my mom will never be able to revisit her beloved Brooklyn, I thought it would be nice to have food from the most famous deli in the area, Katz Deli, delivered from NYC to were we are in San Diego, Ca. Knowing her as well as I do I cleared it with her first. She was very excited, telling me to get everything I think is good. But then she put on one of her jealous snarls and told me, "That is a very generous and thoughtful gift, most ppl wouldn't think to do that." After that I was hesitant thinking she was going to pull something when the food arrived, but I thought the most it would be was degrade me for buying too much. No! Not ever close.

I ordered all the things I remember her liking. Meats, pickles and pickled tomatoes, bagels and bialies, cakes, knishes, kishka. The food cost $150 and the cold overnight shipping was $200. When I got it I laid it all out on the top shelves of the refrigerated so she was sure to see it. THREE DAYS LATER!!! I asked her if she liked what I got. She shrugged. I reminded her I asked her if she wanted me to get the food at all, and that she had. Then she told me, "I just not that into food. I just can't get that excited about it."

Mind you, this has been a life long sick sadistic game with her, that she is too in control of herself to get into her appetites -- even though she eats like a horse and can drink a box of sugar. She pulled this on my family whenever she wanted to feel superior. Ooooo, I just can't eat anything that rich, I don't have "fat taste" (direct quote) like you ppl. Imagine pulling that on your kid and the icky rich and fattening item that's too gross for her to put in her delicate mouth is YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE.

Needless to say she carried out her strike until the end. I don't eat meat so I gave way what I could and the dog ate the rest. I did eat the chocolate babka. All two pounds of it. I didn't let her have a crumb, even when she asked. Jerry Seinfeld is right, that cake is heaven!

After that shameless display I told her I would never lift a finger to make her happy again for a long as she lives. And I haven't. That will have happened two years ago come March. Not her b-day, Thanksgiving, Hanuka, I haven't even wished her a happy mother's day. And won't, ever again!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Oy, there should be more parenting classes for moms who get outraged over the smallest details that they think are wrong so the world ends. Every mom here has set high expectations and then is disappointed. There is something called the Enigma in the brain and it must be genetic to set off a reaction. my mom's mom was cold, teased her, told her she was unwanted. I have to hear the stories over and over every few months how bad she was to her, today included, again. I try not to say the wrong thing so I don't get her mad. When she asks: what do you want to do, eat lunch now? That means yes we will eat lunch now, so I say yes. It doesn't pay to disagree or suggest something else unless asked to do so.

Professionals keep saying that we need to set boundaries, well we can to a certain extent but that's it. Sure I can not see her one weekend but must book two other weekends to make up for the housework time I miss. She gets jealous when I go out with friends. She would think it's ridiculous that I think this way, that I am deprived of my own time. Fight back with our voices? Are you kidding? I remember all too well when I got hit for speaking up and got hit harder and longer when I spoke up as a kid. that brush.. that hand... the arm bruises...what for? Her lack of security in her head, cause she would be out of control. Letting her guard down showing her kids she is weak? That likely disturbed her. I hardly talk sometimes around her. I agree with everything possible and say redundant things to add to a negative situation when she talks bad about another family member. Last night was the first time in years that no family member insulted her . I was amazing. She did not preceive anything as bad. She enjoyed all of her meal in the restaurant and did not complain about anything negative there or on the way home. Oh my gosh. amazing. She is so guarded and thinking of herself as the victim at all other times. She controlled us kids when we were small cuz another to aunts made remarks from time to time about her not doing the right thing. One made up stories and we suffered as a consequence.. that she looked like hell, so she didn't want us to go through the same comments from other people, so she made us out to be the perfect angles for everyone to see. Her sisters screamed. She has mellowed a little but frustration is through the roof for the slightest mishap. She has no more friends so I'm the dependent. What makes her happy? A gift for 5 minutes of receiving it. She threw out everyone's birthday or mother's day cards whoever gave her them over the years...she had collected a lot of them from everyone, but only saved mine..said they were the most meaningful. Hmm why does she think of me so highly now? Cauze I am the only one who stayed cuz I'm not married? Wasn't I the only kid who caused her the most grief and anger? Sure I was. I was not neat. Everything yelling was centered on how bad I folded my sweaters, how carelessly I walked and didn't dress very well and my hair was bad, and my taste was you know. I wasn't as thin as my sister so I was accused of being on the pill at 15 because I was heavier that she was. These mothers.. geesh... they see themselves in us.

They live their lives through us, their successes...what successes? They didn't have much. We have.. they are happy and envious and take out the blame on us as a result. Now they are at a point when they can't make or don't want to make all the decisions themselves. So it's like I live two lives, trying to keep up my home and dealing with her 18 calls a day/night. I let some go, and she calls right back.

Sorry but there's no solution, only distance. Sure she admires me galore. I'm glad. I fix things in her house. I don't put her down, but when she gets mad about something else someone hasn't done right, she tells me 10x over and over to release it from her mind/chest. The next day she is good, happy.. cuz she has released all those endorphins and everything is ok. It's ok when she gets out of the house to go get her hair coloured. I always treasure those 4 hours of peace.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
33% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

wow glad to hear I am not alone. My mother would gang up on me with my children. She got my boys to the point that no matter how much giving I've done.......I'm always a worthless piece of crap. With no respect. My mother had two daughters. I had two sons. My father always wanted boys. So I tried to be the son he always wanted. To no avail. The tomboy is and always was the bad seed. The princess sister was always the well.......princess. So through years of therapy am over all that. Now it brings me to my sons. My mother controlled and manipulated her way into my life only to bring me heartache, headache and any other ache one feels when your own mother stabs you in the back and trys to hurt you. So am now raising my boys as a single mother because no man would have me with having to put up with the controling mother in law and the horrible mess SHE has made of my boys. Any time I would try to fight back and stand up for myself I was told I was crazy, sensative and needed meds. No validation until years later when I pieced the whole sorted thing together. She was jealous because she could not give my father a son. So since I had the boys she tried to do anything in her sick sorted power to destroy the bond we had. Moral of the story.......move away!!! Move far away from people who won't support you emotionally at the times you need it the most. Life is too short to deal with these types of people just because they share the same DNA.

 

100% helpful
beautifulsc answered...

Folks.....am I ever glad that I stumbled across this forum! I used to feel like the worst daughter in the world for disliking my mother. Now, I don't have to feel bad or guilty anymore. And after reading these posts, let me assure you that I will not be taking my parents into my home when they can no longer take care of themselves.

They have been married for 55 years, and they have one brain between them. My Dad (who is blind now) does all of the thinking, and my mother does all of the work. My father cheated on her throughout the marriage, but my mother stayed with him because he had money, and she had no job skills. She complains behind his back, but I say "oh well" .....you let him mistreat you, and you put up with it.

She was a terrible mother....oh, she kept the house clean and the meals prepared to keep my father happy. However, she never once spent time with us, never hugged us, or told us she loved us. She shoved us off on other people. And she often locked us out of the house when we were kids, and only let us back in ten minutes before my father came home. She was a checked out mother for certain. And my father, he was a Naval officer and he was mean. He also showed us no love. Yes, he worked and he provided for us, but that was it. These two narcissitic individuals even took us to church on sunday. Yes, they dropped us off but never stepped a foot inside the church.

Today, they are old and they are both sick....and both are mean as snakes! And who do you think is going to care for them? There were six of us children, and none of us like them. Perhaps my baby brother will take care of them. He was born when I was 16, so I didn't live in the house with him for long. My parents shoved us all out the door when we graduated from high school. And they went on with their lives, and ignored us for the most part. They never once went to our childrens's events, or plays, graduations.....nothing! They were much too busy and self-absorbed.

I don't speak to them any longer and neither do my siblings, or my children. So sad that these people could never see beyond themselves to show love or care for others. And today, they need us....but what do we owe them? Our love and devotion? Hell no, that went out the window long ago. I will help them find a nursing home, and that is all I will do for them.

So, I will just say.....the toes you step on today may well be connected to the ass you kiss tomorrow. I have asked God to forgive me for not liking my parents. One day I will know if he has.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Wow. Looks like I would have had fun times ahead (sarcasm) had I not disowned my mother 3 years ago. Three years and a few months ago, I had my first and only child. My mother never acted excited or happy for me but I had thought she would come around. My former husband was not a jerk or mean, just not a good father or husband, and the baby was an ooops! Thank heavens he was and remains a good provider, even though we went seperate paths. He wants to do well, he just does not know how. Anyway, I could not have been more excited to be pregnant and have a baby.

She did not come to see the baby after it was born, or any time thereafter. Her fifty year old "elderly" self could not make such a hard journey (3 hour car ride). Ok, that was hurtful but the worst was the our newborns first Christmas. We were going home to see my parents. I get a call five days before we were to leave. Goes like this:

Are you bringing that baby? Well, of course I am. I don't feel like listening to it scream all night long and smelling poop diapers. Can't you find someone to take care of it and leave it (yes she called the baby it) at your home? Aren't there some teenage girls around that need some cash that you could leave it with? Or some sort of nursery or day care? I just hung up the phone. Called ATT. Changed my phone number. Wrote my Dad a letter saying goodbye and was done and remain done.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Wow, life is tough. But today it's Valentine's Day whether we're single or not. Be happy within yourself. You've come a long way baby! We've all been through stress. Hope you don't mind my enthusiasm. My mom told me this morning not to celebrate VD day because it's an old story of a saint and that's not our religion. I think indirectly it was more to say, don't worry, don't think of VD day, because I know you're single, left out, and wish you weren't and had someone in your life. I'm going out with a group of friends to enjoy dinner anyways and didn't tell her. Enjoy a piece of chocolate if you wish or the live flowers. Life is what it is!

 

100% helpful
being good backfired answered...

I had a somewhat normal life being raised by a cold and distant Mother who was only bright eyed when in the presence of my younger brother.Now im 59 and she is 85. That wonderful 54 yr old younger Brother has been nothing but trouble while i never broke one rule as a kid or as a adult.He has been a pot head, dope head and has used the needle on meth now for about 30 years.She depends on me for everything and I have to watch her limp around taking care of him.I live next door to her and cant believe i have got myself in this mess.I took her to one of her many Dr appointments and when we returned he had a bunch in her house doing their dope.I complained and she actually took up for him.Ive always known that she cared little for me in compare to him but always worked twice as hard to get her approval.WAS I NUTS!!!! im to old now to change anything but i feel like a fool.If i had the money i would run away and never look back.Ive wasted my life running her business only for her and him to run through the money,smoke and gamble.i believe low self esteem and being whipped down ruined my life and i have to find a way out while i have a few years left.I just wish i knew why she always looked up to him and never once gave me a pat on the back.He actually has one of those meth faces and all she says is that he is sick and cant turn her back on him although he gets a check for almost 2000 every month on disability.I get nothing and have to work while taking care of them.His money goes to dope.So Sad that i was so weak.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Reading these personal life experiences makes me both sad and thankful for my wonderful parents. I don't know how certain of my siblings have so many problems and are these kind of cruel, vindictive people. But they can not blame it on our parents. Fortunately with siblings you can walk away.

Please, don't lump all Christians into your anger. True Christians are loving and should be like Jesus-- if they call themselves Christians. They disgrace the name and will be judged for that.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I would like to know if any of these mothers that act like this are able to go to therapy. I'm not justifying any of this kind of dysfunctional thinking described by family members but people growing old; with no support, unable to provide for themselves and suffering from low self-esteem might become very desperate. Maybe they are also losing the ability of rational thinking or self-reflection. Mental health professionals may be able to offer some relief for these problems. Some of the psychological baggage only works against the family members. We have to remove our expectations of people who can not live up to them. I would say that the mom's described on here could have no power over strangers and know what buttons to push that only work on family members-- hint.

I'm a sensitive person, raised by a loving mother who tried hard to please all 5 of her children and husband. She especially was drawn to impressing the most financially successful of the group. But when her and I were alone and all that influence was removed, she loved me dearly and we were friends. I had to see her from a different perspective that she was being pulled apart by the different values. My brothers and I agreed that we actually had more than one mother. lol She was a different person according to who was in the room. Now she is 92 and her memory is going away fast but she still has a delightful personality and introduces herself to everyone even though they've been around everyday. But, she still wants her hair fixed and nice clothes.

I'm a mother of 4 and sometimes my daughter the youngest (19) tries to tell me that I love her brother (27) more-- I just laugh. I only like him more because he treats me nice. I love them both the same.

 

100% helpful
Why? answered...

My mother died last year leaving a sizable estate from settlements related to my father's death. When she was widowed, I moved back to my hometown (which I always hated) with my husband and three children to care for my mother even though I am one of six kids. I talked to and cared for her daily. I coordinated hospice and stayed with her in her final days and hours. I was at her bedside when she died.

Weeks before her death my mother changed her will. The estate was divided evenly among all six children, but my share was put in a trust until I turn 70 years old. My brothers and sisters have received large checks from the estate in recent weeks, yet mine is held in trust.

I absolutely don't understand. I am lost. I hate her for what she did. I guess it's true familiarity breeds contempt. But I did nothing to earn it. I loved her, I cared for her, I was her companion.

It's devistated me, though I'm trying carry on for my kids. I can't unload on my sisters -- they commiserate but they don't want to speak poorly about our mother. Too, they got their money so it's hard for them to understand.

I don't know how I will get beyond this.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
50% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I think you could get a lawyer and have the trust dissolved. What a sh***y thing to do. The only thing I can think of is maybe she is worried about how you would retire? Maybe she really wanted to leave it to her gkids and you not getting to spend it until you are 70 would almost insure that? Strange.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Not nice. She felt she's getting the last word/control. What a shame. She thought you're too young like 12 years old ? She probably took out her frustration on you only cuz you were the closest person to her at the end. So, you'll have to wait. At least she didn't leave you out completely. I think some of these Mothers feel that they are doing their best and trying to control us the way they were controlled, and the way they feel they have to teach us...so this way they don't lose the title of mother cuz they didn't work in their lives and that was their only title. Sorry to hear you are devistated. That's sad. But you have to get on with your life. She may become a ghost in the afterlife and not go to heaven. Would that help if you thought of her that way now? As for the other lady not wanting to put your mom in a nursing home... and it's draining you, caring for her 24/7, I think you should put her in a home and visit only 2x/week for your sanity. Just cuz she didn't want to go.. doesn't mean you have to abide by her request if she is not in her rightful mind, for your own sanity.

I think also it's a cultural thing.. maybe the guilt trip thing to try to get us daughters to appreciate them more (which backfires), but it's our resentment that eats us up and makes us gain weight! Emotional strife, hardship, hardened arteries.. all for what? to please them? remember, it was probably they who demanded we get their approval when we were kids. How many times did we try to gain their approval for everything we did? So now we don't yearn for their approval. This is contrary to what they always had from us when we were kids.. Do they miss this now??? Someone looking up to them, and now they feel we don't give them enough recognition and no one else does either? After all, they isolated everyone. about spending all the spouse's money.. ya .. heard that one before.. that's what's happening for me too. Lots to think about.

 

100% helpful
Jloh121 answered...

So this blog makes me very very very sad, I'm only 28 years old, and I've been craving some type of normal relationship with my mother my entire life, and I keep thinking as I get older it will eventually change. It appears to me this is only going to get worse, and its a matter of putting my foot down or not talking to her at all. My mother is verbally and mentally abusive to me and has been my entire life, her excuse is she was a battered woman. Right now our biggest fight is, she doesn't want me speaking to my father, who she hasn't let me speak to in 20 years. I've finally put my foot down, and said this is something we will not speak about. However, she gets on rants and raves and flips out about this regularly. I'm stuck in a position where I do not know what to do, because I have a 3 year old daughter who she watches during the day while I work, and whats amazing, she is a completely different person towards her. Which I am grateful for at least they can have a relationship. I really thought this would get better as I got older, and you're all right its not going too. I feel awful because I do love my mother, but I don't like her at all, and she flips out all of the time because I do not call her and talk to her on a regular basis, I don't have anything to say to her, We talk about my daughter and that's it. She also belittles me about everything, my house, my clothes, my dishes aren't down, my clothes aren't put away, the baby's close, etc. Its ridiculous! I work full time, go to school, and am a full time mother. My house is a mess because I spend every moment that I'm not working with my daughter, we play from the moment we walk in the door until she goes to bed, I've been teaching her all her letter's and numbers and how to write her name etc. I want to be a better mother than my mother was and I am. But my mother can not see that all she sees is a not perfectly clean house. Its very irritating, and I'm the complete opposite of my mother, Im not rude to her, and Im a very quiet and shy person, and I never stand up for myself, I'm very sensitive, and tend to cry every time she raises her voice(yes even at 28!) Then she belittles me for being a baby. I can go on and on and on...with the way that I am, I don't know if I can ever stand up to her! She is such a B**** that my brother has not talked to her in 4 years! And he refuses to speak to the rest of our family because we have contact with her, and he doesn't want to deal with it. And still yet she continues to speak to me the way that she does. She can't understand why he won't talk to her, and cries all of the time about it. Oh now I'm rambling! Sorry! I'm just really really glad its not just me out there with this issue, I thought I was from some dysfunctional family, and I had no one else to even vent too! We should start something were we can go in and vent to each other on a regular basis! Any Suggestions let me know!

 

100% helpful
cat61 answered...

It's nice to know I'm not alone, though I feel absolutely abandoned in life. I'm 50, the youngest in the family, but not actually. By that I mean that my mom had 5 kids, 2 of which she gave up for adoption, so there is a younger half-brother out there somewhere. I am the only one who was conceived during marriage. Our older sister was sent away to live with grandma when she was 12. Apparently now I am paying the price for being the one Mom kept. That wasn't necessarily a blessing. When I was a teen, Mom ( a single parent) threatened to get rid of me several times. The only reason she didn't is because she knew my dad would blow up and everyone in the community would know she "threw away another kid". She never threatened my brother like that. He could do whatever he wanted. My mom now lives in another state, near my older half-sister. Mom has always been easily manipulated and never really able to stand up to anything, so she's two-faced. Ever since being near my sister, she hasn't treated me with any respect. Not that she ever did to begin with, but it's gotten a lot worse, and in addition, once Mom started going back to church, she's so self-righteous. I think it was Shakespeare who said something about "none so righteous as the reformed whore" ? I spent my life in evangelical churches, held a very deep religious faith, but I've had so many bad experiences in local churches, and now with my mother and sister being so mean and judgmental, and I know Mom and my sister tell lies in their church...well, that pretty much did it for me and going to church anymore. I have no hard feelings against Christians, since I still consider myself one. It's not God's fault when people think they occupy His throne of judgment. The devil did that and we know where that got him. So now, I'm in counseling because my husband has cheated on me for the second time, that I know of. He keeps wavering back and forth;says he never actually did it, just wanted to, yeah right. Since he is acting so guilty, I figure he did. He says he wants to stay in the marriage. Of course, I figure it's a matter of convenience. I've been with him for 23 years, and his mother is probably the most evil woman I've met in my life. She is just seething with hate and anger. Both his parents have done and said horrible things to me over the years, and lied plenty. They refused to attend our wedding, and still tell people we refused to let them come, among all sorts of other things like that. The last time I went to their house for Christmas, they gave me gigantic pajama bottoms, far bigger than the size I wear (and they knew I didn't wear that size), and stood there laughing at me, saying they couldn't find anything in my size in the entire mall. Right. Then they ridiculed me when I lost playing the board game "Life", commenting that I obviously can't manage my life, etc...My husband has never stood up for me, has badmouthed me many years to people he works with, to these other women, has told his parents every detail about our marriage and things about my family I wouldn't want spread around. And we have a daughter. I have health problems and haven't been able to work for a few years now. I was a nurse. My back is pretty well destroyed and now I have a rheumatic disease affecting every joint. I got turned down for disability and no longer am eligible. When my diabetic husband had to have triple bypass heart surgery, I was there to help him get up and go to the bathroom. I slept in a recliner next to him to be there every minute. But, my husband's response to my health problems was that he turned to a girl who is my adult son's age. He told our counselor he got "frustrated" at seeing my do nothing but lay on the couch (crying every day in pain, lying on a heating pad), so he wanted a young girl who was healthy and who told him she loved farm work. So he wanted to throw me away because I was broken. He apparently didn't get what he wanted from her, and he says he realized he was being a jerk, (ya think!) and now wants to say he loves me and wants to stay. So, fool that I am, I'm giving him another chance. Mostly because I can't physically work and take care of myself.
My mother blames me for not trusting my husband. Every time I tried to talk to her about my pain and heartbreak, all she did was complain back at me about what my dad did to her during their marriage, which was over 30 years ago, and how no one was there for her when she needed help. Very resentful, and I felt like she was saying since no one was there for her, she wasn't going to be there for me. My counselor told me "Your mother is going to blame you no matter what you say." I guess that's true. I am now trying to break away from the parent picture that's imbedded in me, in all of us, really. That feeling of helplessness and guilt. Mom raised me on nothing but guilt. My earliest memory is when I was about 4 or 5, I pulled the wings off a ladybug, not realizing I caused suffering. Mom yelled at me about the torture of a bug and said God was very upset and disappointed in me for doing this. I was heartbroken. She never apologized for that, and looking back, I realize every time she spoke about God, it was in a judgmental, angry God sort of way, and it was really her acting as the voice of God over me. When I was about 8 yrs old, my dad beat me very severely with a belt, left me black and blue from the backs of my knees to my lower back. I wasn't able to lay on my back because of the pain, and when he saw what he did, he was shocked but he told me not to tell Mom, or I would "get it again." I told Mom when I was in my 30's. She said, "You just dreamed that, he never beat you!" I told her she was at work the day that happened and he told me to keep quiet, that's why she never knew...she said, "You're just imagining that." So, she called me a liar. And my sister was there that day and witnessed it happen, did she ever step up and tell Mom? Nope.
I've been abused all my life and now being rejected and spit out by my so-self-righteous mother, sister and brother, as they feel God is not pleased by my "unforgiveness". Mom even sent me a video of a girl who supposedly went to see Hell, and said that people who can't forgive others are burning in Hell. Oh, so I'm going to Hell for feeling the way I do, but they won't go regardless how cruel they are to me? Don't we all just want to run into the arms of this God? Mom judges this woman at her church, someone I've never met, and told her she should be calling her children and talking to them, instead of complaining about them. My mother never calls me....ever. I've called her, only to end up hearing her want to start a religious argument, for the sake of winning an argument, and getting mad at me and talking down her nose at me because I don't agree with her religious fantasies. Mom has said, "Now this woman doesn't remind me of you in any way, but...." then goes on to say things about her and she said she really doesn't like this woman at all....isn't this just another way of having your mother tell you she just doesn't like you? I used to be so protective and defensive of my mother; thought she was so perfect and saintly. My husband and I helped bail her out of financial problems a number of times. I even gave her my car, free of charge, when I bought a new one. She got around in it for several years before buying a new one. My husband pointed out my mother never showed me an ounce of respect for it. And all she did was bitch me out for never caring about her life.
I realize parents aren't perfect, and they can be forgiven. But I believe the worst thing I can do to my kids is be a fake or guilt them to death.
We do not owe our parents anything. No, I wouldn't let my mother starve to death or freeze to death, but I will not let her manipulate me. The world is filled with evil people, and those people are also parents. Evil is still evil, regardless who they are. While talking to my best friend from school years, I said if our parents would just admit it. Just stop lying about things and admit it, there would be so much healing that could come. They don't even have to ask my forgiveness, it would be there if only they would admit they weren't perfect. My counselor told me the problem is that no one has ever given me the opportunity to extend my forgiveness to them, and that wasn't my fault. I'm always willing to forgive, but no one wants it. So I'll carry this pain the rest of my life, and feel so lonely.
If I could be physically healed, I would probably leave my husband. My eyes are opened now to the type of people I have let myself be around. My low self-esteem has put me in abusive relationships. People who always thought themselves better than others. Even though my husband says he loves me and wants to stay, I'll never see him the same way, and I will never feel the same. I'll never trust him again. Why should my mother blame me for this? How is this my fault?
I wish I could just leave, move away from everyone and live miles away and they would never hear from me again. But I know I would be isolating myself. I just want a new life, a fresh start. But in the confines of this suffering body, I'm really trapped and dependent on my husband now.
Just pray for me, for my healing. I'm with you and support you in breaking away from abusive people. We just need to shatter that overpowering parent image. Easier said than done.

 

100% helpful
thetinks answered...

I like this forum and i feel a common bond. i haven't really talked to my mother in almost three years. we have seen each other at a memorial golf tournament they have for my brother (he died from a cancerous tumor four years ago), as well as her asking me to meet her for coffee right before Christmas 2011. She has since stopped by once (a lot of nerve) and wants a relationship with me again. She just emailed me two weeks ago and asked to hang out with my son and i....because my brother isnt here anymore and my son and i are left, i just can't bring myself to allow it. she has turned everyone against me and refuses to see her manipulation, self pity and overall jealousy of me. i was always told that i would end up a single mother on welfare and tried sooo hard to make her proud ( i am a female construction electrician). No, it only made me hated by her even more so. her boyfriend who has lived with us since i was eight years old treated us like his personal soldiers as he is a schizophrenic alcoholic social poriah. this guy will massage his penis and testicles anywhere and everywhere, doesn't matter if i'm in the room, my boy or my grandma...he's at it full time. it absolutely disgusts me, even after thirty years. he is also a stalker that would prank call my home to scare me when i would be alone with my son and i had to call the police a few years ago because he was sitting outside my house in his car. she has had numerous disgusting affairs behind his back and once when i was a freshman in highschool she had sex with some local guy younger than her in our family home on our couch. my brother and i had just got back from summer holidays and the week i started my second year this guys ex girlfriend called at 5 in the morning and woke up the whole house (my mom's boyfriend was working out of town and wasn't home for the affair or the call). my mom answered the first call and immediately hung up after taking this persons abuse, then she just left for work and left me (13 years old) to answer the repeated phone calls all morning before i left for school. she tried to lie about it but i knew. then there was the weirdo that when i worked construction would follow me around on the job and would torment me about their so called love affair. he was so slimy and would tell all my guy coworkers and i disgusting details about their sex life and what she did to him. this was very soon after my brother passed away and i would just break down at work and sob for hours...sometimes in front of others. i can take blame where it lies but i know my mom caused my divorce soon after and that's when i called it quits with her. my ex and i have talked about it and we get along wonderfully now and he's my best friend. my step father was very sexually inappropriate with me as well. he never REALLY touched me but would say wierd stuff . when i was nine years old my mom left us with him while she went to work and he was lying in the bed naked talking to me with only a thin sheet barely covering his you know what and began to tell me how he knew a girl that hated her stepfather growing up but when they got older they had a sexual relationship. it was so random and scary and it took me till this past November to give her MORE example of his inappropriateness (standing naked in the hallway right outside the bathroom like i surprised him when he saw me go in there) he also became OBSESSED with my little boy and always had to have him on his lap any chance he got. many, many stories involving her lies, cheating, manipulation, jealousy, passive aggressive bull crap. they even asked me to share custody of my son with them because my stepfather thought he owned him and it scared me to the point it's over. our last meeting before Christmas this past year the first thing she asked was what we had been saying about her boyfriend. well, if i am dealing with her friends putting me on the spot about it, then i am going to say "we have our differences true, but i was very uncomfortable with their relationship with my son",,, left it wide open for interpretation because all of it would be right anyways....if anyone has any kind of advice about what i should say in my email back to her that is too the point and clever so i can feel like i can move on and devote all of my mental energy on my fantastic true love, my son.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

That boyfriend doesn't belong in your house. Sorry I am not able to say anything about your mom. I'm in a state of torment this week myself. My mom accused me of not telling her dates for the trip we have to take. We had to change the date b/c her hair dresser is closed the day before. I honestly asked her and she didn't think about getting her hair done. She goes to the same person for 45 years and is a Virgo and will not change. She used one other person in her life who did a bad job. She blamed me too. With rage she cut into me by total surprise like a bipolar or schizo blaming me and shouting yelling and I tried to not take it so personally. It cost me $350 to change the airline dates. she isn't totally happy yet though. She will look for another way to punish me. I said I was sorry to her 5x. not enough. I stopped. She blames me for her osteoarthritis pain, b/c she sleeps 2-3 hours each night, shouts me down and says she wants compliments and respect from me and others. She said too that she is trying to make my life better since my dad passed 16 years ago but it's not working. I said no it isn't. She gave me a ton of her clothes she downsized from and I can't wear them and don't want to. I am giving most away. She tried to control me since age 4. I put all the expensive giftware she told me to take b/c she has no more room for it...in one big metal cabinet. I have one more load to bring here. I hardly display any of the new things. I can't stand this life. She didn't want me going to a birthday party for a child today...said I'll have to check to see how the weather is in the morning. It's nice and sunny and I'm going regardless. I hate her and despise her anger issues. But no, she doesn't admit to any. She covered up practically all her windows with the film so the neighbours won't know what she is doing and can't see. She is so introverted, rage-ful, stressed, frustrated and keeps saying over and over about the bad relatives and how everyone wronged her in life. Oy, I hate my life sometimes. She won't go to a psychiatrist, no way, she doesn't admit to a problem. I'm the bad one in her mind. I resent her and she resents every move that people don't get right for her according to how her brain works. She is always right and must be. I never would use her visa without her permission. I told her I asked her the dates! she says no and that's cuz she wants to bash me and look good and show me that she is the ruling mother with me on a short leash and only a piece of dirt.

 

100% helpful
Ryan36 answered...

My mother is 70 years old and her personality is very similar to that of your mother. She (my mother) is utterly incapable of taking even the slightest criticism on her behavior, a trait that has carried over into relationships with other people, branding her as a pariah. She has a very high-strung, nervous disposition, and she cannot handle anything stressful without lashing out verbally at those around her.

I believe quite strongly that people like our mothers suffer from mental illness. In my mother's case, she was hospitalized frequently throughout my childhood. Twenty years ago, the doctors in rural Vermont were (and still are) dreadfully lacking in their ability to treat mental issues, so the diagnosis was usually something amorphic like "mental strain" or "psychological stress." She even tried to blame me (a very shy, quiet 7-8 year old kid) for all of her problems! Years later, a family doctor tagged her as a paranoid psychophrenic, and I think he was definitely on to something there! While she has been able to live a normal life for years now, I believe that she and others like her would be far less toxic to those around them if they were on medication. Ultimately my message to you is to try and get your mother evaluated by a mental health care provider. This is no easy task because there is no legal way to force someone to get a mental evaluation unless he or she has committed a crime. Your mother's PCP would definitely want to know about her behavior, and that's usually the best way to get the process going. Good luck and most importantly, don't ever let her convince you that you're the problem. People like her will always try reverse psychology when they are confronted.

 

loveforever answered...

You have to take your parents as they are. I got taken away fom my mom when I was 13 and harsly talked to her and when I did I was still mad at her. I treated her so bad and was always mean. She had a drug problem and couldn't stop. The last time I talked to her we had a really good conversation. I told her i loved her and we talked about the times we had when i was little. She died 2 weeks later,three days before my 17th birthday and 4 days before I was flying to go see her. Point is,you never know what you have until its gone. I would give up my life for 2 minutes with my mom again. Don't take advantage of the time you have left with your parents. Love them because of their flaws, they will always love you, sometimes they have weird ways of showing it.

 

100% helpful
Scarred by my mother answered...

I am in shock that I am not alone. My story is way to long, but knowing u all share something with me is indescribable. I am 38, my mother was an ok mum, she tried her best, but with that, I remember from about 8yo that after my parents divorced she fell in love with a married man that consumed the next 25+ years of her life, therefore mine. She was now my friend not my mother, she moved and married my step father when I was about 11 but still saw this man every chance she. Old and called him constantly counting down the years that she believed it would be till they could be together. Then when I was 12 in a breakdown I told my mum that when I visit my real dad he does things to me. I remember getting counseling but less than a year later she had me and my brother on a plane visiting him again, he was wealthy, did she just want the child support, or are u f#cken crazy to do that to the daughter u gave birth to. Only since having my own kids has this affected me more deeply. Then when I was 14 I was a little out of control - REALLY !!!! And her and my step dad kicked me out, but my nan, her mum had to help my mum because at the same time she had a mental breakdown. My teenage and 20's and childhood are all pretty blocked memories, thank god. But her manipulative guilt games fired up at any chance. She has left my stepdad at least 15times and each time running to me draining me for hours, days about herself and her love for the married man, making me still say hi and talk to him like he was some bloody uncle I never had. This drowning suffocated me, to the point I packed up and went to the UK. My friends back here knew how she would call me constantly when out or at work and could not believe what I put up with. Six years I stayed away, she left my stepdad again, wrote him a note and took $7,000 out of their account, not to see me as I had been there 5 years at this point, but to see her next lover, a psychotic man she was obsessed with in her town, that had just moved to, u guessed it - London. She ruined my engagement party due to being late and making a scene and she spent 80% of her time in London with him, while telling people , my nan in particular she did this all to be with me. My now husband met her for the first time then and he and his family were flawed by her child like behavior, at one point whilst having tea at his grandmothers my father called and in front of his whole family flung herself back like a 2yo kicking her legs in the air, elated that she was here in England and that he knew that. Anyway, many more similar events leads me to 18months ago. My mother has NO communication skills, can not listen to anything that is not her way and 90% talks selfishly about her self and tells others, again my nan mainly, what a great mother and grand mother she always is, and if she does one thing to help, let me tell u I hear about it for weeks and years. Her and I have been head to head for years, she drowns me in her drama, I say one thing she doesn't like and normally she cuts me and my family off for 6 months then walks back in when she chooses like nothing's happened. She has tried to play my brother and I off on each other a few times succeeding with her lies to the both of us, reviling in seeing the pain we were in and making the wedge deeper. PURELY SICK!!! We cottoned on after a few months but her worst was 18 months ago, when she told a large amount of lies and stories to my brother and his wife, including, that I had banned her to go to the birth of my brothers baby and how she was such a hero coming anyway and manipulating the entire story to suit her looking like a hero, this and many more lies were drilled into them for I am sure hours, days and weeks and as it was about them thinking I did not want to share mum or some bull sh*t like that, my brother became verbally abusive to me and he and his family cut me and my family off for 15 months. This was hell for me, to be punished and lose my precious brother and not see his babies grow up ripped me to pieces. It affected me being a wife and a mother and I started counseling/therapy. Saved my life, literally. There are many horrible stories like my mum calling me 8 hours after the birth of my second child to say she was leaving my 20month old in the house while he shut the door and slept for a few hours as she was tired. No concept of reality, that u can't do that. I begged for my mother to attend a session to try and rebuild but I was still living in hope that she would be normal and be a mother, as for years she always wanted me to be mum. Eventually she came, but with 6 lined up she only came to 1, as she was shown up and didn't like it one bit. My psychologist then explained that my mum who self diagnosed her self with bipolar is actually manipulative personality disorder. Take us to today, I was rebuilding being a good mum and better wife coming to terms with not having my mum or bro in my life, sorry forgot to mention my mum ended thecsession by writing a 10page email to me and my psychologists basically going in depth about my history with my dad, disgusting and saying everything was my fault but in a way u would not hurt your worst enemy it was horrific, so my husband wrote back to her that until she seeks medical help she is not seeing me or our children. Fast Forward to today, no calls, letters, birthday cards etc to my children, she is now taking us to court for some form of grandparental custody rights to our kids. My mother does not know how to pick up a phone to me but she can to take me to court. This is today and I don't like her, I don't love her, but yes she has a mental problem and to the writer who has lost her mum, I will tell you what my best friend says to me. "I lost my beautiful to cancer but I thinknthatnis easier to cope with than living a life with a mum, that is a child, a manipulater, who seems to get enjoyment in your pain, makes up lies solely to hurt you for a lifetime. Live our lives with a mum like ours and u may not wonder why a part of us don't think we will even care if they die. My friend has known my mum for 25years and remembers more of some sh&t details than I do. I block block block to survive and be the best ever mum that lives, because I will learn from her big mistakes and her crap condition. Please don't think I don't feel empathy for my friend or you, but I also am jealous that u got just 2mins of a normal mum daughter relationship. I am super lucky though as god blessed me with a great husband who has helped me survive and the 2 most perfect children that I adore with all my heart and soul...... Thanks for listening.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

When you have a mother that is self absorbed you must set boundaries, because she never will. This type of mother just see you as a bit player in her drama. The only person that has feeling is her. My mother wanted to live with me and I refused. I had her throw temper tantum, cuss me out, fake illness and cry, but I stuck to my guns. I still help her as much as I can, but at least when I go home at night I have peace. No one life is more important than another. It does say honor your mother and father, which is to respect, but it doesn't say give up you life, health, happiness and mind for them.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

You know, if all these women are like this, self absorbed...why? because they were denied things when they were younger growing up in the years of WWII or the Depression? Or because their husbands gave them everything? Why did they become self absorbed? Dr. Phil says people demand attention and respect (the opposite of loneliness) when they have low self esteem. So they weren't given confidence from their parents? My mom wasn't that's for sure. Sorry to talk ill of her. I realize that it's a different story when you've had your mom taken away at a young age...etc. that's a different story though.. yes I feel for you too.. but this is different in that it is badgering thinking they are the center of the universe because their title is Mother over you, the kid.

Ok, my point also is to write that: I don't have kids.. but if I did, would I ever be like that when I got older? I am very well educated with university and college and treat everyone including my mom very special. I know I wouldn't be dreadful. It only causes resentment. Something happened this week: my mom told me to go and get her one ballet ticket for herself. She didn't ask me. I guess last time she saw I slept through most of it. I woke up the last 20 minutes. I was dreadfully tired and pushing myself. I work at my own business and struggle to make every dime. I found that curious behaviour. I was happy though because each weekend I have to spend at least one day helping her organize her house. This weekend she told me she needs me Sat & Sun. She gets bloody mad if I try to get out of it especially on a Sun. so I'm there in the morning by 10 am and get out of there about 5 pm and sometimes 7. I have to move everything upstairs and downstairs cuz she has so much stuff and everything has to be put back from renovations. She told me today she is doing more renovations this year. I wish she didn't. I have no life. I have to do all the heavy lifting cuz she can't. She won't hire, even when I offered to pay myself for someone. No way...she doesn't want anyone else to know how much stuff she has. Oy. There goes another weekend. I'm only 52, why bother trying to find a guy to marry? I don't have time. She punishes me if I can't make it one day... and she gets tired after 3 pm so she whines like crazy. she does suffer physically but won't go for physio..she couldn't be bothered, she has more things to think about. Also..earlier I wrote it cost me $350 for her forgetting about the hair dresser appointment- that she must have it styled the day before. I wrote the travel person a heavy duty letter to express my angst...I am getting $100 back in total, so it's only a loss of $250 now. Just have to work harder. Thx for listening ladies (and gentlemen).

 

100% helpful
topazseas answered...

To the poster -- re: mother with hairdresser appt.

Does your mother support you? Or are you expecting a large inheritance? You seem to be this woman's slave. It's one thing if she's reciprocating, but if not, why are you running yourself into the ground for her. Her demands, especially moving furniture and boxes, when she can afford renovations is appalling. Just because she's paranoid about her things doesn't mean you have to play along. If it were me, I'd charge her an hourly rate comparable to the profession organizer she would have to hire.

I don't know you at all. I'm just throwing out what I have heard other ppl's reasons are for kowtowing to these mothers. 1.Feel pity and obligation, to the point of neglecting your own life. 2.Brainwashed from a young age to be her servant (that one is mine, I got over it) 3.Afraid of her anger. 4.Using her as an excuse to not face your own life. 5. Even though she has little respect for you, you can't imagine life without her.

Good luck.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Yes expecting a large inheritance in 25 years max. She will have me move the giftware downstairs in the boxes cuz she can't carry them anymore, they're too heavy. She is picking up that I'm resenting her, finally, otherwsie I didn't have a choice. She used to hit me but doesn't anymore, treats me like a surrogate husband. She still screams at me or shouts out venting on the phone with her frustration, complains about everything. no she doesn't support me, just bails me out once in a while when I can't make enough money to pay the rent. Gives me tons of clothes, dishes, so I'm settling down now deciding what to give away.. a lot of stuff she wants me to wear., some of the things are so expensive, but she bought so much years ago, she has no room since the renovations were done - less cupboard space. No I definitely can imagine my life without her. I wrote a eulogy already but shredded it. she is an organized hoarder. When she was younger she told me the whole family ''chipped'' in and did cleaning together. She loves it when she wants to change the spot of something so she removes it and then passes it to me and then when she needs it back she says give it to me... it's like a factory assembly line thing. She should have worked in a china gift store for a career. She enjoys it. She started to lose a bit of weight so she isn't as nasty lately and stopped talking this week how bad her mom was to her ..heard that story 600 times. My sis returns from holiday soon, it was nice I didnt' have to hear anything bad about her ..for a whole week..nice. My sis doesn't see her, only twice a month maybe...she has a family. On holidays my mom always gets the presents and says they are from me too. Today I had to see my mom and Sat & Sun have to do stuff for her. she uses imperative commands. she said sorry she has to put me out. ya.. she wants company that's all. I work from home so she calls all day long but I don't always answer and then she calls back 20 min later each time or something.

 

Dinah54 answered...

I am almost 58. My mother was a controlling b**** until her dementia really took over. I was rarely allowed to do the usual things kids and teenagers did, and had to answer to her even when I was on my own. She always held their money over my head, and I was beaten down enough to let her. Between my dad's care before he died of Parkinson's Disease and the past six years my mom has been in assisted living, all that money is gone, and my husband and I have to spend thousands of dollars a month to help pay for her care. I wish she were lucid enough for an hour for me to tell her how I feel. I hate her for how she treated me and I hate myself for not escaping. I knew if I really stood up to her, my dad would bear the brunt of her anger. I wish I could be rid of the bitterness, but just don't know how. It is crippling me.

 

scsweetie answered...

Oh my goodness!! I am so glad i found this site. To know that i am not alone is such a blessing. My mom abandoned us, me and my 3 brothers when i was about 2 yo. She married my dad when she was 13 and he was 40. He was a child molester and did other vile things i won't mention here. She has told me things about him that would make you sick. She left us with this man who liked to have sex with little girls. And, yes, he did molest me. I have held resentment and hate in my heart for her all my life. I have even been to therapy because of it. I thought i was over it, but It's even worse now that i am the one taking care of her. I do not feel obligated to her, i feel sorry for her because she has no one else. My brothers have nothing to do with her. One comes around maybe twice a month and the other 2 never come around. I am looking for a place to move because we fight all the time and can never seem to have a decent conversation. I am trying to do this and work and take care of me too. I find i can no longer do it. I am stressed and tense all the time and i will not let my health suffer because of her, someone who whines and complains and only thinks of herself. The worst decision i ever made was to move back in with her. I don't even feel bad about it. God bless all of you can can stay and help your mom!!!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I'm amazed this page exists, it's what I've been looking for to help me get my head around my painful life with my mother. For all these horrendous mothers out there I hope there are many more loving wonderful ones!

Sorry if this is a long read...

My mother was always depressive, bitchy, critical, and often downright nasty to me when I was a child and teenager. I was raised alone, my brothers having been adopted out by my mother as my father had left her when she was pregnant with them. She panicked over the idea of having to try and raise three children on her own. Dad came back after a few months and they reconciled. I think they never should have met - Dad had so many affairs when I was young and spent all his money on these women to the extent that the most basic of our bills were barely paid. I understand that my mother must have been suffering some sort of long-term breakdown: loss of children, unloving womanizing husband, disapproving mother of her own, poverty... but I can never understand how she could be so mean to a small child who was innocent in all of this.

After my parents divorced when I was about 30 my mother apologized for all the hitting, yelling and general meanness she'd dished out to me all my life. She blamed it on her unhappy situation and the way my father treated her. She said she knew it was not a good excuse but that's just the way it happened.

You know what? She's still not changed and I'm now 40. She and her depressive young husband (who's my age) attack me at every turn. Total disapproval for everything in my life, my appearance (a tiny bit overweight, but still very pretty), my choice of boyfriend (a gorgeous well-educated hunk with the sweetest heart ever, but quite poor money-wise), and my lack of money (I have 3 university qualifications but only a very average salary).

I get the impression that she'd barely be happy with me even if I had married a surgeon, was a lawyer, had several gorgeous children, gave her all my money, etc, etc. She's attacked me recently in terrible ways over HER money, yet I barely cost her a penny as a child/teenager - I had few clothes and never had any nice possessions that she had to pay for, everything nice that I had was bought by distant family members because they felt sorry for me. My mother has said I'm not getting anything from her will, she's going to spend it all before she dies (she got a six figure sum in the divorce from Dad), and she said if I ever need financial help later in life I'd better give her lots of money now so she and her husband can keep it "safe" for that eventuality. My partner was horrified when he heard that, what kind of person talks to their child like that? I've never asked her for anything except for once 7 years ago when I couldn't get a job in a distant city. I think I cost her all of $2,000 and she's never let me forget it. Apparently I'm a bad daughter, a leech, a parasite.

When challenged by me over whether or not she wanted me as a baby (she had me quite young, and accidentally) she bursts into tears and calls me a horrible person. She acted like she hated me my whole life, and she still does.

I know her mother treated both her and her sister very badly, yet lavished adoration on their brothers. Taking my mother's sad past into account keeps me forgiving her, making excuses for her, but I'm reaching the point where I won't ever be willing to care for her when she's elderly, I just don't want to be around her any more. I feel actual fear when I see her approach as I never know if she's going to be nice or horrid to me. You see, she can be very very nice... she can be utterly adorable, and with the flick of a switch she can turn into a cruel monster. She's been controlling me with that fear of the monster since I was three years old. She also plays the victim card a little too often for it to be convincing any more. Everyone else is to blame for her life, she had no part in it all. Oh really? It takes two to tango. It's so bad now that I'm going to have to cut off contact with her soon. I can't take it any more. I'd advise counseling for her and her husband (who's the same negative depressive personality as the mother /he/ complains about!) but I suspect they'd react rather badly.

This is so painful. I look at old photos and feel for my seven year old self. I apologize to that poor little girl, the one who did all that she could to be perfect so mother wouldn't yell and hit her. I apologize that I still haven't made her life happy and that I haven't gotten her away from her awful controlling mother.

I wish the best for you all. So much sorrow out there! xx

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Boy oh boy we have similar mothers! Mothers that blame us for their own failures or low self esteem or because their mother was nasty and controlling and they don't know any other way. I guess they can't control themselves. My mom has been nice for two days and not phoning 18 times a day. ah.. relief, I can actually get some work done - a lot! I'm sure she has regrets for hitting me that's why she gives me so much in the way of clothing she is done with or household kitchenware..so say she is sorry, ya think? That was interesting what the 40 something lady said about the 7 year old girl. You must have been a sweet innocent child.. I can picture you in a pretty dress with party shoes. I looked at my old family photos and in 98% of them I look like I was just about to burst out and cry although I was happy. I remember the exact instant before the pic was taken that us kids had to pose perfectly and have our clothing pressed out and perfect in every corner and no collars bent... her sister and aunts wouldn't approve I guess not. They criticized her so she was on guard to get their approval and the vicious cycle never ended til later in life. I paid for all those insults and criticisms that my mom got. What a life. Well today is a happy day, so I'll sign off now. She was happy, today and yesterday, unbelievable...and yes she blames me too when it gets to her about the money she owes. All I'm doing here is trying to pay my rent. she held it against me to buy a place, omg that was another story, no hope about that anymore, I would be betraying her as she said...long story. 22 years renting. so i paid off someone else's mortgage years ago.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Ah, I'm sorry for all your pain. As I'm reading this, I can sure relate. In fact, just five minutes ago, my mom was again abusive to me. I see many traits in all your posts as I do in my mother. I have come to relize after 47 years that my mom isn't a nice person at all and never really has been.

But this is what I've come to believe and be thankful for.

I'm thankful that I have the mom I do because God has given an example of how not to behave with my wondeful children and I am the exact opposite of my mother. Surprisingly, there was no effort in doing this, it just came naturally.

I'm also thankful that I some how broke the cycle of this type of mental and emotional abuse-also naturally.

Don't know if it was born this way but I'm very thankful for my mom's bad examples because I'm turned out the exact opposite.

I hope this all makes sense.

And I wanted to also give out a very heartful virtual hug to all that posted to this topic. Wish we could all go out to lunch;)

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

In reading all your answers, I find myself reliving a certain portion of my life where my Mother too was controlling, mean, hateful, to me and my Dad. She was manipulative - guilting me into many things. I left home after highschool and went far away to college. I still went home every 2 weeks because my Dad was fabulous. Through it all, I found that this was all about her health. After my Dad died at 77 from lung cancer, I thought oh my God, what will I do with her now. She thought I wouldn't care about her. Then, she got really sick and I took her into my home (She lived in GA and I live in PA). There is great healthcare in PA compared to the small town where she lived in GA and after being diagnosed with congestive heart failure, she became the Mother I remembered from when I was really young. It's interesting how much an illness can change the behavior of a person. She is now soo very sweet and my husband loves her to death. She cooks dinner when she feels like it and looks after our dogs. But she still wants to go home and she really shouldn't live by herself. I've grown to love her again even though we went through a time where I really was very angry at her.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I was looking for a blog today to address my feeling toward my mom. I am facing a lot of things from my past and my feeling toward my mother is one. What I do remember from my childhood of my mother is yelling, anger, hitting and controlling. I am trying to recall any positive memory and nothing. I am 40 working mom with 2 young children and I working on ending the crazy cycle and find it hard. It's because I see the pattern of behavior of my mom that I am trying to do better for my children and improve myself. My mother has cancer and I am her caregiver. I had her move closer to our family so I can manager her medical care. She also helps us by watching my kids at a fee$$. I had helpers come to help her with the kids but she manage to drive them away. To outsiders my mother is this loving mom. My mother was alway concern of how other saw her and she still does to this day. I don't understand why I let her get to me. She always does this guilt trip and has the ability to cry at a drop of a dime. Its sad but, I am no longer phased by it. I have become a matter of fact about everything when it comes to her. Don't get me wrong I appreciate her for watching my kids, given the world we live in today they are safe from physical harm and my kids love her. My mother seems to always get under my skin I feel like I am child again. She speaks as if I don't know how to raise my kids. She points out what I have not done in the house. When I get on the defensive I raise my voice I am like so I should go on welfare and stay home and I then can have the time to do everything I fail in doing as a wife and mom. Then she in-turns gives the guilt trip that I am selfish ungrateful person and don't appreciate what she does. She is here to help me and this is what she gets. I am like what???? "Whatever" and she goes to her room for the rest of the day. I talk to myself.....I am not asking you to help me in the house so don't through that in my face. I only ask you to help me with the kids while I work and I have to pay you for that. If I miss a payment all hell breaks loose and we fight about money. I can write out all the stuff I have done for her and never asked for anything in return. My desire to bring peace into my life and my families life is going to be hard because I have brought her back into mine. I have not learn to manage my feelings when she pushes my buttons. I will learn to deal with my mother and stop the cycle with my kids. I see what I can become if I don't. I don't want that for my daughter. Thank you all for writing your stories which allowed me to write mine. Good to know we are not alone

 

happygal74 answered...

I do have problem with my mum as well. I don't hate her but rather in my heart so full of resentment and I'm never closed to her. I quarreled , yelled..whenever I'm angry with her...yup, a really bad daughter...however, no matter how resented I am towards her..she's still my mum and that is something I cannot change...I told her, I detest the way she talked, the way she focused me to do things against my wills...blar..blar...over the years, she changed...becoz she kinda of understand how we are so distant away from each other when we are staying in a same house...so it would be best to talk with your mum and let her know how you feel..

 

100% helpful
ScienceNerd answered...

I came to this site hoping to find the average age that mothers needed taking care of. My own mother lost custody of us when I was 4. My dad raised us. She is very selfish and lazy, but while she is a terrible mother, she has been an ok friend. Now I am married with a daughter of my own, and I realize that I couldn't conceive of treating my own girl the way I was treated. I thought that I would understand my own mother better, but in fact it was the seed for disgust that has grown ever since.

Now I am getting my PhD in 2 days. I have interviews for jobs that pay really well. I told my mom (It was exciting news to share) and she wants to move in with me. She is in her 50s! She has never had a steady job, and now she cleans houses, but only when she isn't tired and only for people who aren't snobby or demanding. She hasn't even asked me about graduating or if I am nervous to defend my dissertation or to wish me luck. She just wants to know if I landed a high paying job yet. I told her she couldn't live with me because I am very eccentric and hard to live with. She was so hurt that somehow I ended up agreeing to "do something" to help her. She actually proposed that my husband fly out to her (from NC to OK) and drive her half-broken car halfway across the country with her and a dog and cat in it so that he can take care of her if the car breaks down! I am pretty sure the plane ticket would cost more than the car is worth. She is a user, and I don't know what makes her think it is ok to try to take advantage of my hubby that way. Fortunately, my hubby (AKA soulmate - 12 yrs strong) has never been a people pleaser or a pushover, so she is out of luck there. If only I could be so strong..... I am so angry that my years and years of hard work to earn my PhD in science translates to a meal ticket. She doesn't deserve my hard work! And I really think she is way too young to need to be taken care of yet.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

To all that have controlling Mothers, they are not going to set boundaries because they are happy the way things are. You are going to have to let them know what you are willing to put up with. It isn't easy and yes you will feel guilty at first, but you deserve to be happy too. For you that are paying your mother to babysit, she is not doing you a favor you are paying her, just like you would pay anyone else and if she doesn't want to do it there are great afterschool and preschool programs out there, you just need to do you homework. For the lady getting you PHD, congrats! Celebrate yourself, you worked hard you deserve it! I am proud of you. you will never get what you need from your mother, stop trying. For everyone I have a mother like these and I have learn as long as you feed the guilt they will keep using it. Just like with children they will continue bad behavior if you allow it. Let them thow a tanturm, like a two year old it will be over soon and by not buying in to it they will stop being able to control you.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

As most of you know - some types of therapy suggest writing a letter to the abusive/intrusive/(add negative adjective here) telling them how you feel. Even if you don't mail it - it can be a good exercise.

Just 3 days ago, I actually read - outloud - to my mother the letter I have been writing to her for many years. I thought it was going to feel better than this...instead, I sort of feel a bit of a loss. She STILL does not get it (or, more likely, does not want to get it) about the sexual, physical, mental, emotional abuse I was subjected to by her as a little girl. I am still VERY glad I read her my letter....she's called me at LEAST 5 times every day since then. I answered the first time, just because I was being kind. She never mentioned the letter...just talked about the weather, etc. Obviously, she doesn't get it. I haven't answered her calls since.

I have been a bit confused by how I'm feeling so I went online to see if I could find some answers/clarity. By reading all of your stories, I'd say - from where I'm sitting - you need to draw a hard line in your life as to how far you let your mom in and STICK TO IT ALL THE TIME - NEVER EVER WAVERING. I realized how I can see your stories objectively but I cannot see my own story that way.

Lightbulb moment. I need to do for myself what I am suggesting you do - and not second guess myself. I read my letter. I must not let guilt or fear or co-dependency allow myself to undo what's taken me years to do! Thank you for your stories. They've helped me see my own more objectively.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I do not have the same experience as some of the posters here, but I do have experience with an overly controlling and verbally abusive mother. I am turning 28 this year and have been putting up with her behavior forever. Unfortunately, my financial situation has caused me to move back in with her and she feels like I am being ungrateful to her when I push back against her abuse even though I do all the chores and everything.

She likes to over react when I get mad at her and she holds it against me for weeks afterwards. If I tell her that she can't call me every 20 minutes of every day when she's at work to talk, she will get mad and guilt me by saying I told her that I never want to talk to her and she's so lonely. She'll go on and on about how she slaves all day at work to support me and I do nothing but be awful to her. Again, I do all the chores, take care of her two dogs, cook, and manage all of her finances since she has a hard time paying bills on time. She will "lose" them and our power used to get turned off all the time.

She wants to be the center of my attention, but I will be getting married as soon as I become financially stable again. She constantly tells me I am fat because I used to be a twig in middle school. I am not fat and the doctors say I am healthy. She tells me that I am bland and know nothing of fashion or beauty. She often tells me that it is lucky that I found someone just like me to marry or I would never be able to find someone. She will try to do something physically and I will try to help her, but she will get mad at me and yell at me that I can't help her. Then, she will hurt herself and will pout at me that I didn't help her and how she has to do everything and she ran herself into the ground. I have never had a high self esteem because of this and I thank god that I found a man who showed me how to love myself.

I found that I had to stand up. I tell her that I don't allow anyone to talk to me like that and she is no different. I tell her that I love her but I won't put up with that. I have to suffer through the constant pouting and over reacting to reach her. I will just simply ignore her pouting and moping about and carry on as if nothing happened. She'll twist my words around sometimes to try to make me feel bad. I will simply say, "I never said that and you know it." and will go about my business as usual. If she's being excessively pushy about it, I will simply fill all my time with other things and tell her that I am too busy. Eventually she gets upset that I don't spend any extra time with her and she will break down and be nice. If she does, I will purposely spend some extra time with her, or invite her to come with me on errands to talk.

She hasn't completely come out of it, but she's gotten a little bit better. My mom has been through a very ugly divorce and I feel bad for her and I try to be the best daughter I can possibly be, but sometimes it is very hard. I do not ask for anything of her but a roof over my head and food to eat. I hire myself out online for small amounts of money to pay for my gas or anything extra that I might need. It was mostly me having the self worth to stand up for myself that helped me push her back. You have to love yourself enough to stand up for yourself and say no.

You do not deserve to be treated that way.

 

katmart answered...

I am going to go back and read all the other comments. OK I will tell you my opinion of what your Mom is (I think) is a Narcissist. She has Narcissistic Pesrsonality Disorder I believe. I am the same age as you and have been emotionally and verbally abused by my Mother Dear (Mother Dear) my entire life.

The Unfortunate thing is I also married a man that I am now realizing is also Narcissistic. He filed for a divorce after 38 years of marriage (6 months ago)...I see now that it was a very comfortable role as my Mom was such a Narcissistic that I went from one very sick of sick relationships to another (just as sick, just different)...

Was never ever my own person or self. It is very hard and am hearing my Mother's most hateful comments about me and so much that is totally evil X 1,000... I think we will never ever have any type of "normal relationship" with these people. They are so troubled and so disconnected as well as no empathy that they just don't have many human qualities...Saying all of that, we have just found out that our Mother had a severe Heart Attack and is need of a Heart Catheter but she is too weak to have this done. BUT saying all of this,, doesn't seem to stop her at all. Doesn't even slow her down..is crazy with her visciousness! She has serious as VERY SERIOUS mental issues and has my entire life (hers too) but... I am going to try to do the best I can to "have some sort of relationship" with her and will be very hard to do.

Thanks for this format in order to express your life situations and see that there are others (Unfortunately) that have similar problems. My thoughts and prayers are with you also. If you have not had this type person in your life, Is truly hard to imagine.

 

100% helpful
2aquarianboys answered...

It feels geat to share a similar story. I am 33 and my mum is 59. I have 3 kids, a loving husband and a successful life (I think). I constantly have a thorn in my side with my bullying, outspoken, self absorbed opinionated mum. She just doesn't seem to know her boundaries. My husband and I have had numerous fights with her about how she conducts herself in a disagreement, she screams, yells, abuses, calls us names "spoilt bitch" was one of them, when she doesn't get her own way. She'll hang the phone up on us after not even listening to our side of the story. She calls numerous times a day and demands an explanation for why we didn't return her calls straight away. She's a show off (I really hate that part of her personality), she'll say she's proud of my achievements by bragging to her friends, but she'll never say "I'm proud of you". She will buy me extravagant gifts and then throws it back in my face when we have a disagreement saying "of all the things I do for you" etc. She inteferes in mine and my brother's lives to the point where she even controls my brother's CSA obligations to his own children (but he is stupid enough to let her). She gives her opinion without asking...she makes sweeping accusations and comparisons, she manipulates situations to suit herself, hears only what she wants to, and then plays the 'woe is me pity story'...the list goes on and on. I love her because she is my mum, but I hate her personality. I feel terrible for this and I have asked myself WHY do I feel this way. I actually feel that she resents me in some way. I dread each day when I think about trying to avoid her phone call, and if I go a week without speaking with her I'm much less stressed. I take my hat off to all the daughters on here caring for their older mums. As my mum approaches 60 she is getting much worse, she is quite vain and her age is making her much worse. I hate to think what it'll be like unless I learn to try to like mum. It truly is a horrible feeling. I don't know what will happen to mum when she needs care as I know my brother will not have her, and my husband has already said 'forget it'!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

The only thing to do is to stop the cycle of abuse. For those caregivers like me out there who are shouldering 100% of the burden. Walk away. That is what I am trying to do. I know it is not easy, if it were I would have done it not still be trying. But it is important to formulate an escape plan and follow it through. If you threaten to leave and still stay despite the abuse then we are giving the abusers the tacit approval to continue killing us bit by bit. My mother is very controlling, a miserable person most of the time whose only purpose in life is to see how miserable she can make everyone else. I have read it here time and again. A master manipulator, an wolf in sheeps clothing, a liar, a poor me master capable of spewing the worst hate and vile verbal attacks to everyone who she can blame for her own failures. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma and lupus in 2010. We almost lost her. She weighed 98 lbs and could not stand. She was in patient 5 times in 2010, in the ER about 7 times. Underwent chemo every 28 days and by the skin of our teeth she pulled through. I traveled 75 miles from where I was staying with my sisters house to moms house to care for her. I was staying with my sister temporarily after moving here from out of state. I was helping my sister through a divorce, childrens legal and emotional problems and securing the investment of her sizeable divorce settlement. While I did this I held down a stressful physically demanding full time job. Through all of this though we lived in the same house my sister never not once took mom to one of her over 200 doctors appointments that year. I would work, travel 65 miles to go to the hospital, leave at 4 am,drive the 65 miles back, shower at my sisters and go back to work to begin the cycle again. My sister ironically is a nurse and through the divorce to a doctor a millionaire but she never offered to help mom pay for her countless meds. Most of my meager underemployed paycheck went to my parents. She got angry that I sent her a picture from the ER through my phone one night to her and her grown sons of mom. She looked like death. I wanted them there, I wanted us all there. She got angry at that photo and when I got back to her house she had arranged to have my cats killed. When she informed me that the house was cat free save her daughters cat, she smiled. She was inches form my face. I swallowed hard and did not give her the satisfaction of breaking down then and there. Eventhough I did break down later. Seeing as her deed did not have the required reaction she kicked me out of her house. Dont think she made me getting my things out easy, no she would meet me at the door and hurl abuse at me as I grabbed anything I could and through it in plastic bags. I did this 4-5 times because I could only handle 10-15 minutes of this at a time before driving away in tears. Now I would have to commute the 75 miles to work but I figured well I was always with mom most of the time anyway. But now I had to change my work schedule to 12 hour days 2 days in a row so that I could cut down on my driving. It is brutal. I have put over 82,000 miles on the car in a little over 3 years. I have to stay with friends or make the long slog back. My sister is a devote christian by name. A greeter at her church here, a major contributor of 10,000 dollars or more in one year. She is abusive like mom, a bully, a control freak. and I am sure of it more mentally unstable than mom. She is a classic sociopath, What hurts the most is that Dad and mom who is in remission now still sit by and let her abuse me over and over and over again. So this must stop. Obviously the so called Christian is so consumed by rage, fear and hate that she cannot help but tell us her closest family, my mom , dad and me that we are going to hell. She also says that her pastor Kerry Shook says that God has favorites, and that because she is rich it shows that she is loved and favored by God. Since we are not rich then obviously God does not favor us and therefore we are going to hell. Funny how with the Bible you can condone just about anything. I wonder what the Job, John or Matthew of the bible would say about this interpretation. I need ot go, to get the hell out, I have done more for mom and dad than they ever did for their parents. It is a pity, I still am moms caregiver as well as helping to run their small business and I know they will not do well without my help. Mom and Dad are both nearly 80. But if they are willing to sacrifice me and my life without standing up for me when my sociopathic sister seeks to destroy me then I cannot stay. I think my sister wanted my mom dead. She wants the money. There is not much of it but the properties can be sold and with it she can continue with the lifestyle of the Doctors wife a few more years despite the good Doctor having left years ago. In the end she will get what she wants I guess but I really do not have any other choice but to leave. The way it has been playing out it is kill myself, let her kill me through stress and abuse (my heart is hurting more and more not just emotionally but physically now) or leave. I am 50 now. I am hoping to have at least a few more years of life left after escaping this Auschwitz of the Soul.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

You just can't like everyone, whether the person is related to you or not. I am another 50-ish woman who spent many years trying to please my parents. It never happened, and never will. I therefore distance myself as much as possible from them and have minimal interaction with them. It is the only way I can survive. I have a great life - except for them. They made my life growing up a living hell, and I see no reason I should continue to subject myself to their abuse. If a spouse treated me the way they did, the world would urge me to leave. When parents do it, I am labeled selfish for distancing. We have to stop thinking it is OK for people to abuse us just because they are related to us.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
50% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Wow what a shame. I thought I had angst. My mom cooled down these past few months with her hyper-emotions. I try to listen til she's all finished telling me the stories of her mom and bulley sister..and other ex-so called friends' insults at her, over and over again. I tried giving examples of people on TV and in real life being all anxious and hyper so she may have identified with these things who knows. I'm taking a trip with her in a few days, I got over my own nervousness and am thinking positive now. I had her listen to some of my own troubles on the phone, giving it back to her and she was overwhelmed and just had to get off the phone each time. Now I'm at peace.

About some of the last writing above... I hear ya. We need a big internet and daily newspaper heading: Start Treating Everyone Right and stop Yelling at Your Fellow Neighbour. It won't help. Be Nice To Your Relatives and Friends and Employees. Why can't you do that? It doesn't cost anything. Stop screaming and bulleying.. it's bad for your own health. Halt the frustration. Stop expecting the world with your high expectations and you won't be as disappointed when a little thing goes wrong. It's not the end of the world. It's only a tiny setback if you see it that way.

 

25% helpful
not intended abuse answered...

Is it abuse or lack of transition of life's power to our adult daughters?

It has been Mothers vs Daughters for generations and I think the reason for this is the transfer of power to the up and coming woman to guide and run her own life. A lack of this transfer of power or acceptance of receiving this power can be preceived as continued control and abuse in some form on both sides.

Sometimes daughters forget what is was like to be a daughter during her teenage years and how she interacted with her mother. At times loving and kindness pour over mothers, and other times the gates from hell would open up leaving mother to step in and do the clean up. Mothers out of love and through their own life's experience are always trying to ward off a childs long term adverse consequences, and would out of necessity need to take control despite the childs wishes. Some circumstances cannot and should not be left to a learning experience for a child. These efforts are often critized at the time due to the potential grave damage goes unrecognized because it was averted to a more reasonable consequence. Once again a child would take out their anger of the situation and life during these years out on the closest forgiving person. Never thinking about how this is destroying the very soul of their mother.

Still during the college years and beyond while daughters are still evolving into an emotionally mature adult they are continueing to call upon their mother to dig in and help out in many situations like money, stability of family and the need to take control of serious situations. Oh, but wait, daughters want you to continue to do all of these things but you are no longer allowed to ask or be involved in her personal life's circumstances, and will give you the information she wishes you to know. These are very mixed messages to mothers and if not addressed can in some cases cause hurt feelings. Are Mothers perfect, of course not, and are Daughters and Sons perfect of course not. When the family finally arrives and the children are on their own it is time for both sides to come to an agreement on moving forward in their adult relationship. Both answering questions such as: do handouts stop now, and what boundries are needed for both parents and children. Expect set backs during this transistion period when mother and daughter learn their new roles. Meaningful discussions, honest revelations, appreciation, patients and love repeated over and over will help to make this transistation smooth and complete for both in a shorter period of time. Remember direct parenting and being taken care of may last for up to 20-24 years. Daughters will be excited on embarking on their independence while mothers may feel abandoment and loss for a while. Mistakes will be made on both sides and gentle reminders not fireworks can fix most situations. Change can be exciting if both sides help one another in the decision making during this process. No one is being left behind just being freed to embark on a new season of life. There is no expiration date on trying to mend a relationship with open communication.

Mothers know when their daughters do not like them and know when they are loved out of obligation. Mothers too at times do not like their daughters, but the difference is the mothers bond of love cannot be broken. Ask yourself do you have this bond with your children? Is this fair to your mother that you cannot find some good in her to rekindle a real love for her. Most mothers give so much to those that they love and through situational or geographic changes in life they may fear losing love themselves. Some may try to control and manipulate to regain what they think they have lost. Affirmation can go along way in the healing process.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I am here to say that I relate to everything that has been said here. My mother is the antithesis of what a mother should be. She makes Mommie Dearest look like Mother Teresa. And she has become this way as she aged. She has been this way since I can remember. She is an agresssive, egomaniacal, controlling person who never should have had children.

She was neglectful and mean when we were children. Being the oldest I took the brunt of the abuse while at the same time, was responsible for the child care, cleaning, cooking in the home while she was at work. Her employees loved her but when she walked through the front door after work, she would start screaming at me and take out all of her wrath and hate upon me. I could not invite friends over.

I could write pages and pages about the way she abused, manipulated my sister and me. In addition, rather than being proud of our accomplishments, she was jealous of them and tried to take credit for anything positive that we achieved. The point is, I am 62 and she is 82 and she is in better physical shape than I am because she is so self-centered, she takes very good care of herself. Plus she vents her frustrations upon us and thinks she is superior in every way. My husband says to let go of the past and to forgive her, which i have done. The problem is, she is still making my life a living hell.
I have read books about this sort of parent and most of them say that you cannot reason with a person like my mother. They never will believe that there is anything wrong with them. So at the age of 62 I am going to find a good therapist to help me with this. I believe in God and want to honor my mother, but I do not love her and I dread talking to her or spending time with her. Family get togethers are dreaded. It is sad that she doesn't even know how pathetic I think she is. I have grown daughters which makes it even harder to understand how she can treat her own children like she treats us. It's awful how she talks about my sister behind her back and my sister is a saint and has treated my mother with nothing but love. This sounds terrible, but I resent the fact that she is so healthy and will live to an old old age, all the while making my life miserable. I know it's hard for people to understand how a mother can treat her children this way, but at least I am not alone.
I could go on and on. One last thing. As a child, she would bring home important people from her workplace who just thought she was wonderful. They would tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, successful mother who has achieved so much. They would expect me to be proud of her. It made me think how stupid adults are. Didn't they realize that all I wanted as a child was a mother who loved and cared about me and spent time with me and listened to me? I never got that.
Right now, the way that I handle the situation is to try to limit my exposure to her, I avoid talking to her on the phone and I no longer spend the night at her home to avoid listening to her put downs and toxic rantings.
thank you for at least confirming that I am not alone.

 

CaliforniaBoy answered...

Waaah. You are all grown up- act like it. I am 40 and I spent at least 10 years total with three different 2 to 4 year stints not speaking with my dad because of the same issues that many of you feel sorry for yourself about. Take the abuse and just let it flow in one ear and out the other. You can be better than they are and let that abuse stop with you and not be passed on to your partners and chidren, etc. I know this is a I dont like my mother link but I thought I should chime in. Make sure live YOUR life and take care of them-they will die soon enough and you can feel good that you did your duty. Dealing with old people,especially parents is hard and tough- and I feel for you but- get a grip and just deal with it. My Dad is dead and I have no regrets- but you will if you start to try and change things so far in life after you have let it slide for decade after decade.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

OMG..I stumbled on this website to find a title for my book!! I am so relieved that I am NOT alone!!! I have read most of your responses and I see that some of you are in your 50s. I am almost 42 yrs. old and my mother is 62 yrs old. I refuse to take my mother's abuse anymore! Everytime I turn around she says things to me that really and truly hurt my feelings. This behavior has been all of my life. It has affected relationships with other people and I am saddened by this. She not only does it to me but my entire family but I am the only one that stands up to her. She constantly finds ways to get to me (I'll admit) but this time she has gone too far!

My mother is very manipulative, as I have read in someone else's response, she takes my words and twist them extremely and make me to believe that I am wrong to benefit her! She's a twisted individual. She says things to me in front of other people to totally embarrass me! For God's sake, she has said to me, in church, that she would slap the #@$ out of me! And I didn't do anything to prompt that disrespect. I have taken this from her for over 40 yrs and it stops today! She had me so upset that I couldn't even work yesterday. I am glad to know and understand that I do not have to accept any phone calls from her. And I don't agree with anyone who implies to take abuse from a parent or anyone as a matter of fact. My mother is not elderly, she's not that much older than I am & did I not mention that this has been going on all of my life!

Everyday it's something with her. She is only happy when others are left scared and feeling bad by the words of her mouth. I now too, have to go into therarpy because I am not going to spend the rest of my life trapped by her mean, abusive behavior. I vow to live the rest of my life happy and drama free! Whoever the person that came up with this website...you are a blessing!

 

LynninCalif answered...

Wow, I didnt know so many were dealing with these issues. My parents are 85 and 78. My dad has almost driven me crazy! Now he is forgetful and very mean! My mom would call all day long about a problem with my brothers. I finally stopped answering the phone. I have a lot of guilt over them all and I dont know why or how to stop it. My mom is only concerned with her sons. They have 5 sons, 4 daughters. She treats my sisters horrible! Always has. She tells me Im her favorite! I told her to never tell me that. My story is a book. Very dysfunctional family. I am the only stable one. It's been insane for me my entire life. Im just mentally and emotionally tired of the abuse! May God Give you all strength.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I am pleased to inform everyone that I feel a small sense of victory. I have not spoken to my mother or seen her for almost a week now. I did phone her today to make her aware of some business type issues that will occur soon. She answered the phone in a pleasant manner, not her usual mean, aggressive, why-are-you-bothering-me, hateful tone (I could go on & on). I made the conversation short (very short) as she started to complain about other family members (DON'T WANNA HEAR IT). I stuck to the issue at hand & ended the phone call. YAY ME!! I feel so empowered. I would like to thank you all for sharing your life & feelings & to know that I am not alone. I am willing to offer my emotional support to you all as you have done me. Thank you!! Find your strength....

 

lovingdaughter of 21 answered...

Apologizing in advance for language.. I was wondering if I was out of line for telling my mother; who survived sexual, physical and verbal abuse with no counseling... and managed to raise the first 2 children in 5 generations to graduate high school without becoming teen parents..that she is - cruel, selfish, vindictive, hateful, bitter, confused, AND on the top of the list of the most cruel people people ever met. I also told her that All I ever did was come out of her, I never chose that and it was highly recommended from my perspective(that she didn't care about) that she should have had an abortion.

She talked to her sister about stuff I had told her and now I wont talk to anyone in my family. I use to cut myself, so she took my door away, I kept cutting my self and she made me go to a hospital.

I told her she was unstable, that I take anything she does or says with a grain of salt. I told her if she gets family therapy I would attend. I live with her ex husband and I don't have to work and he thinks everything is fine.

I told her that I was raped, she cried and hugged me and pretended to care. We were talking and later on she mentioned that its sad that sometimes when girls report rapes, they get blamed for it. I hate her, she thinks I brought this on myself.

I also sent this to her.. I told her to go to H3ll you spiteful C*nt and.... Mommy Dearest, you are incapable of having a loving human relationship. I want you out of my life. This is the last I will say anything to you. I realize you're projecting your issues on me. Have a good life. I haven't talked to her since March, I had surgery yesterday and she found out because of my aunt. I will not talk to any of them anymore.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I am currently trying to understand the craziness of my mother's mind...I love her but I don't like her. She uses the past as her weapon. When you ask her to evaluate what she's talking about. She yells "I don't know!" (which I personally feel is the most honest answer she's ever given).I also help her take care of my nieces and cousins, their parents are either deceased or m.i.a. When I need a moment to myself , she immediately accuse me of not being there for the children, that I don't help out enough. (she is truly crazy). I stay at home because I don't want the children to think like her. so I try my best to instill some healthy-thinking values in them. Whew! Even typing this up I'm going through some S(ugar) H(oney) I(ce) T(ea) with her this morning. I need to get going!!!!

 

GeenaB answered...

You mean to say it doesn't end? I'm 35 and my mother is 70 and have lived the same story as you and your responders. I look forward to the day she is ill enough to go into a home as I will more than happily drop her off. She currently lives with us as her income was not enough to sustain herself. To be honest I was going to help her apply for section 8, my husband being from a large close knit family encouraged me to have her move in with us. Biggest mistake of my life and I have regretted it every day of the last 7 years. Now not only does she criticize me but my child to boot and we are constantly arguing about the right way to raise a child. It takes everything I have to say "I don't want her to grow up hating me the way I hated you"... I love her enough not to kick her out, but that's the extent of my love. It's gotten to the point where her blinking bothers me. I know that if I hear her footsteps a disturbing comment is sure to follow. She has learned to sugar coat her comments so as to try to sound less offensive, but she's still criticising every move. I know she "did her best" but her best was pretty selfish, controlling, and hurtful. I'd hate to see her worst.

Can we all start a support group or at the very least a "vent" group!!?

 

answered...

Hello GeenaB, great suggestion! Caring.com has several online support groups you can move the conversation to or start one of your own for this topic here: http://www.caring.com/support-groups/new Once you are able to start your own group, feel free to post the URL (web address) to the support group in this thread, to redirect future members seeking support on this topic.

Please don't hesitate to get in touch with our team if we may be of assistance.

Kind regards, Sho of the Caring.com Community Team

 

100% helpful
Scally answered...

My mother is 84 and I am 62..I live alone now and have a 33 year old son who lives away. My son and I have a very close relationship and I have never done to him what my mother has done to me. My mother has had OCD all of her life and is a self-centered and manipulative person. When I was 9 she told my school that I had an incurable disease just so she could keep me home because she couldn't stay alone. She kept me home for a year. The school finally figured it out and told her she couldn't do that. When I was 17 I tried to run away from home and because it upset my mother she put me in a mental hospital so she wouldn't have to worry about me. When I got out I was too scared to seek counseling for fear of being put away again. I have been married 5 times in my lifetime because I was unable to relate to men as well as I wanted to because of the criticism I took from my stepfather. He told me everyday that I was a nobody and didn't belong to him and was a mistake that my mother made and I would never amount to anything. I have a sister 64 and a brother 50 who are both married and have always refused to help our mother with anything. She has used me all my life and tells me how much she loves my brother who is my stepfather's son and she would die if anything happened to him. She is a hypochondriac and uses fake illnesses to get out of things she doesn't want to do.I have never talked once with her without her complaining about some ailment that she has. I had a ruptured brain aneurysm in 2005 and bled in the brain for 2 weeks because I was misdiagnosed by an ER doctor who said I had a sinus infection. I suffered the worst headache I had ever had in my life. After two weeks I couldn't walk because it started affecting my spine. When I finally got help the surgeon said I had another aneurysm about to rupture and it was a miracle I survived. After my brain surgery my mother was so anxious for me to help her again. I have continued to help my mother when I can but she doesn't seem to realize that I am a disabled person and can't do what I use to do. I have seizures and have to take medication. Sometimes I am nervous about being in public.I feel lucky that I can do some things but sometimes it's very hard for me just to care for myself. I have been a musician all my life and not once has my mother come to see me play. She will go to whatever my brother or sister are in and constantly talks about how wonderful their children are. She does get along with my son but she just uses me. I have tried to confront her but she always ends up crying and feeling sorry for herself. I'm the only one who has ever helped her and the only one of her kids that answers the phone when she calls. I have thought of just ignoring her because she has been such a drain on me and I'm really getting tired of being the black sheep of the family. I have a great sense of humor and always try to make people laugh but when I'm around her I just lose my sense of humor. She just doesn't care about me and I know that none of my family has ever loved me. Most of my relatives live right here in my hometown where I live and I never see any of them. The only one that I feel ever cared about me was my grandmother who died in 1988.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Scally, I am glad I was able to listen to your story. My heart is saddened by your experience. Maybe give up seeking her approval, try to turn the page and do good things for yourself and those you love. You have the support of the group here, so you aren't really alone all by yourself. Keep in touch.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

my mom is treating me better. She keeps saying she is appreciative of all I do for her. For about a month I really focused on listening to her whatever she spoke about and used eye contact with undivided attention. It's working somehow. She flares up and gets mad instantly but not at me for a while - nice, but not so nice for others.

Now it's one thing after the other going on negatively for her. She has to cope but it's too hard sometimes for her. I try to smooth the waters and take away the burden and work out her troubles by telephoning people because she relies on me heavily. So, I started to lose weight finally, more at peace for myself. She is forgetting a lot of things and it bothers her big time. She is getting mad at herself, something I haven't seen for years.

 

sofia12 answered...

My parents live with me. My Mom had brain surgery at 79 years old last year which created alot of new issues and a few weeks ago she had plastic surgery to address some of those issues. Both surgeries were horrible and my Dad and I have been doing everything we can to help her through it. He's home all day and I have a full time job but do alot for her at nights and on the weekend.

But, it's never enough. One minute I'm an "angel from heaven" and the next she's screaming at me and having a tantrum. I'm 48 years old yet she still nags me about things she wants me to do or that she feels are important but that actually are not that important to me. Sometimes she is in a bad mood and starts whining. When we nags and whines, I snap and tell her she's nagging or whining and ask her to stop and then she goes ballistic and starts screaming at me and tells me how I'm hurting her feelings and speak badly to her. I'm just telling her what she is doing, that it bothers me, and asking her to stop. She turns it into a fight. Yes, I know she's a 79 year old woman that has been through alot and I'm doing everything I can to help her but I also have the demands of my job and all the nagging, complaining, and whining really gets to me. I'm human and doing the best I can. At 48, I don't need my Mother getting mad at me because I spent money on something she doesn't think I need. It's my money and I'm also supporting 90% of the expenses in the house she lives in.

I don't know how to get through to her. If I tell her what she's doing that bugs me, she starts screaming and calling me names. I'm thinking of telling my Dad we need to get her a prescription that will address her anger. Maybe she's depressed and this is how it's showing up? She screams at my Dad too and then tells him it will be his fault that her blood pressure is high because he makes her scream at him.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Thank God I'm not alone, or an outright evil person. Thank you all for sharing your stories. My mother is 68, widowed, a stroke victim (though there are no signs of it), with arthritus of the hip which restricts her mobility (though nowhere to the extent that she would like us to believe). She is socially isolated, aggressive, narsistic, manipulative, totally self-centrered, a liar, a thief and throughly nasty. I'd like to put most of that down to aging, depression and the after-effects of her stoke, but frankly she's been that way all my life. She's had five husbands in the course of her life - all but the last were assholes (my father included) - but then she picked them. She has 7 brothers and sisters - none of who want anything to do with her - she isn't invited to weddings, funerals or family get-togethers - or even told about them (of course, being fair, neither am I - and considering my feelings about the lot of them I'm actially greatful or the fact - but that's a whole other story). Childwise - I have an older genetic full-brother, who I've never met because she put him up for adoption when he was born. No contact, no relationship. There are step children from two of her marriages, none of whom have anything to do with her. So essentially I'm it. I'm 49 today, degree qualified, an accountant.

I was raised by my matrnal grandparents. Yes, she did live in the same house with me and them until I was nine - if you can using the house as the place you went between dates and men - living there. She was never interested in me, spent no time with me, contributed nothing to my parenting. I don't think that she wanted a child, I think that she thought she was getting a doll. I was three the first time she told me that she wished she'd let Social Welfare take me away. I remember telling her that my Grandmother wouldn't let her do it - even then I guess I knew something.

My mother has never been able to handle the idea of being alone, of having to grow up and take responsibility for anything, of living up to her obligations, of keeping her word, or of dealing with the sheer horror of not getting something that she wants.

I realise that she has spent her entire life in the search for that prince who will sweep her off her feet, and cart her away to her blissful happy ever after, where she can spend her time being waited on hand and foot, doing nothing but look beautiful, and being treated as the goddess she deserves to be. I do understand that having a child, especially back in the 60's, made putting that package together very difficult. I understand her resenting me for existing and doing everyhting possible to palm me off on my Grandparents so that she wouldn't have to cope - and frankly that is the only good thing she has ever done for me.

When I was nine - she took up with a man and moved out. I never even got introduced to him. When that fell apart, she moved back in, and then did it again, and again, and again - ripping my heart out every time. Though it did hurt a little less every time she repeated it. To the point where after enough abuse I no longer cared what happened to her, or where she was, as long as she was no longer near me to hurt me any more.

When I was in my last year at University, my Grandmother had a stroke that disabled her. So that she would not have to leave her own home, I was her caregiver for the next three years until she died. I worked all day, and went home to provide that care the rest of the time. Her children, my Uncles and Aunts, my Mother, gave us no help of any sort. I never got a day off, had no life, no friends, nothing. And for my Grandmother - I would do that again in a heartbeat. So, I am not exactly unexperienced in what is involved in providing care for an elderly relative - been there, done that, brought the tee-shirt! We won't discuss the year after she died, that I basically spent sitting in a chair, wrapped in a blanket when I wasn't at work, hoping to die. Nor will we discuss the fact that in all that time, not a sinlge one of my relatives, Mother included, thought it necessary to check up on how I was doing. Yes, I still resent that after doing their dirty work for them.

Anyway - moving forward to the topic of this blog. 12 years ago, my Mother harassed me into buying her a house, literally harassed me. For over a year she nagged, and whined incessently. Played the guilt game, played the pity card, never let up - ever. Every contact was some variation on the same point. I never got an evening without at least one phone call (and only getting one was actually relaxing), never had a weekend without multiple personal visits just to drive home what she wanted. Successions of tears, of tantrums - neverending. And get this - she was living rent free in the house that I grew up in, and had to care for my Grandmother in - but it simply wasn't GOOD enough for HER (and incidentally, she'd kicked me out of it some years ago because she had to live there). She actually drove me into a nervous breakdown over that, and when I recovered, I gave in and brought her one. It just wasn't worth it. This is the type of behaviour I am still enduring.

Three years ago, my stepfather (an absolutely fantastic man - I don't to this day know how he coped with her) had a heart attack and died. Ever since, she's become a sinkhole of need and self-pity (actually she always was, but at least she focussed most of it on the man in her life) - all of it directed at me.

I'm supposed to be responsible for her financially, I'm supposed to pay the bills that she doesn't want to (not that she is unable to pay, that she doesn't want to pay). She's spent the last few years harassing me again to buy her another house - because she just can't live in the one I supply her rent-free anymore. I've spent the last two years hearing that I have to sell my house and buy something that we can live in together. I'm terrified of the thought of that - I would literally rather kill myself than be trapped with her. I'm supposed to run all her errands, at the drop of a hat. I'm supposed to buy her food - which I never get paid back for. I'm supposed to run my entire life arround her. If I'm out when she rings wanting something, I'll be abused for not being contactible 24 hours a day for her convenience, because everything is suppossed to revolve arround her. There is no support for me, no consideration of my needs. As an example, and I suppose it's a fairly petty one, I have medical conditions of my own that impose some very severe restrictions on my diet - it's literally impossible for me to walk into a restaurant or cafe and eat something. Yet I'm continually harassed to take her places so that she can eat, and I can either sit there hungry and watch her, or be abused for excluding myself and going somehwere else until she's finished. I seriously don't think she believes that anyone other than herself has feelings, or that they matter as long as she gets what she wants.

I'm sorry - I understand that she's afraid of being alone. But I'm sick, and tired and exhausted of being expected to give up everything that gives my life any semblance of worth for the sake of an ungrateful tyrant, who has never deserved the title 'Mother' except in a purely biological sense. I cannot deal with her continual attempts to move into my life, both emotionally and physically. I cannot cope with her self-pity and manipulations. I cannot cope with how miserable I feel every time I have to interact with her. I literally cannot cope anymore with her. I actually hate her.

I do know that some of this is my issue. I am a walking bundle of rejection and abandonment issues. I know that deep down, I want to believe that she cares about me as more than just a means to an end. Somewhere, and quite irrationally, I still believe that it's my fault that she decided to desert me, and if I do what she wants maybe I can buy her affection. I also realise, rationally, that all of that is bullshit!!!!

So, 4 weeks ago, I finally found the strength to walk away from it. We finally had a fight and I told her that she would have to make other arrangements. I won't see her, I won't talk to her, I don't even answer the phone at home in case it's her. I keep a roof over her head, but that has to be end of my involvement for my own sanity.

And I still think that this makes me a bad person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

100% helpful
topazseas answered...

To the woman who bought her mother a house. Since you don't have a private page, I'll tell you here, keep up the no contact! And get into therapy! Go to someone who specializes in post traumatic stress disorder and narcissistic abuse. You can't sort this out on your own. Look up, daughters of narcissists, on the web. Look up, narcissistic abuse syndrome. Look up, malignant narcissism. Read it all and read it often. It's the only way you will ever have a life that is your.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
67% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

To the woman who just walked away from her disgusting abusive freeloading mother....

You didn't walk away.... You finally found yourself... You finally value yourself...

This is it kid, this life is all we got. Live it, enjoy it. Don't feel guilty about this. The reality is, you're mother is a nutbag and you've been conditioned not to value yourself because she never valued you and still doesn't. You finally broke this habit and are beginning to value yourself. Children want to please because it pushes back the sadness. From this comes adults who can't stop pleasing so this childhood sadness doesn't reappear. Once you finally and truly understand that your mother's devaluing you really had nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with her having zero self esteem, you will begin to learn to seperate this fact and continue on an upward path of valuing yourself and your life.

I would go farther than not talking to her. I would have an assisted living facility and use her money to pay for it. ..

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I'm joining the club. I don't like my mother either. We have never been close but I have always respected and cared for her when she needed assistance. She's 89 years old, physically frail, but mentally competent. I have long standing resentment about her never letting me make any decisions for myself while I was growing up; and her total lack of support for my interests and talent. I'm an artist (and a good one) in spite of her telling me that drawing was a waste of time. This - the only thing I could do for enjoyment since I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or have company, and she rarely approved of my friends. Our home was cold and lifeless and she controlled every aspect of my life. As soon as I became of age, I left - not because I ready but because I wanted to get the hell away from her. Now I'm back in the same depressing house I grew up in because she needs assistance with daily living and I'm the only one who can help unless I put her in a convalescent home - I'm tempted. I know she's grateful and she always tells folks how "blessed" she is... blah blah blah. Like many others here, I am in my fifties - I have four grown children and three grandchildren. I find myself wishing that she would just die already so I can finally live. My sister is no help - she has alzheimer's, so it all falls on me as it always has even when my sister was well. I'm the one who took her to the hospital and doctor appointments, sat in the emergency room all night dealing with her chronic health problems. She's stingy, petty, nosy, and a borderline hoarder. Yes, I love her but she really really gets on my nerves and I can't stand the sight or sound of her. She just makes me sick. I'm just glad to know that there are others out there who feel the same way. I guess misery really does love company. I have pretty good relationships with my children - probably because I was intent on not being the same kind of cold, controlling woman that she was to me. I'll miss her when she's gone but I wish she would hurry up and go. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I guess some mothers are just too controlling, thinking their kids are 12 years old and that they are worth nothing unless they continue to mold or shape them all their lives. How much is too much? They feel they own us, and don't have anything else to focus on. Mine just gabbed for 30 min on how everything that was done negatively to her in the 1960s... it all started when I mentioned my friend had an operation and I would see her in the hospital tomororw. So, I heard all about the autopsy of her mom and how it was supposed to be forbidden and how unwanted my mom was.. the emotional abuse she suffered from everyone around her... a true victim she always sees herself as. God forbid you disagree with something she says nowadays. I'm doing pretty good, the past 2 weeks not objecting and saying everything she assumes is correct. Otherwise I catch hexx. So I hope she is finished calling for the day. She called about 16 times today. Usually starts at 8 am unless her leg pain is bad and told me she is going to tell me when she is in pain that's just the way she is. Anyways, I'm emotionally exhausted. I may start with stress vitimins after each time talking to her. I let some calls go to the answering service but she calls back soonafter. I work at home that's the big problem. I get blamed anyways...for everything.. not just how I do it, if I do it wrong in her eyes. Even if I start from the right side to organize something.She is left handed so sometimes if I don't realize I've done something wrong.. she makes me undo it. This week she accused me of giving away a pair of sweat pants last year she gave me in a bag. Well I don't wear her size... she asked me again if I am wearing them now or what I did with them. She thinks I am starting to do things deliberately against her. Hugs to everyone else for your efforts and crimes you don't commit...but are accused of anyways by these moms who are mad at the world.

 

100% helpful
LisaBee answered...

I have severed close ties with my mother. After a couple of years of counseling, I realized that I have every right to do this. I am 48 years old, a mother of two living sons and one that passed away in 2007. After my son passed away I got grief counseling. During this I came to terms that my mother had turned my son against me. She is a narcissist, and had not only turned my eldest son against me, but the whole family by ridiculing me, disrespecting my wishes, etc. I wanted my son to get counseling, but she talked him out of it. This is why I had to sever all ties with her. For my two remaining sons. I don't drink or do drugs and this totally clashed with her and my sibling's lifestyle. I was an outcast, because I wanted a clean life. I am so glad I severed ties, my sons are doing great. They are in their twenties and both work, finished school, not addicted to drugs or alcohol, and are in healthy loving relationships. I am there for them, in every way. They talk to me and ask for advice. I love and respect them so much. I am so much happier. Yes, there is a void, but it was always there, since childhood. When I get sad I think of the now, and the future.
At first it was hard to not be part of her life, but I reminded myself that I would sacrifice that sick, toxic relationship for a brighter future for my sons and future grandchildren. Her and my sisters try so hard to get back in, but I just ignore them, which pisses them off even more. I ask myself why they are so set on being in my life, can't they take a hint. I want nothing to do with them. I don't hate her, but I don't love her either. I let the anger go, and I feel wonderful. No more panic attacks, or gagging when I see her around town. When I look back on our relationship there is so many negative feelings, too many to get in to. She did some terrible things to me. My counselor made me realize that I don't have to be in her life. Yes, she fed and sheltered me as child, but that was her duty by law. It's not something that I am obligated to repay, by letting her destroy my marriage, my remaining sons, my job, and my life. Etc. I refuse to let her control my life ever again, and I can just picture her squirming with anger at me for this. Oh well, my kids and grand kids are much more important. And I thank her for teaching me of what not to do as a mother. I miss my eldest son every day, and wished I gave him the tools on how to deal better with people that want to destroy your self esteem, feed you toxins to make you dependent on them, and who are just plain jealous of your success and loving relationships. My advice to others is to protect your own children from these awful parents, otherwise you will regret it as I do..

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Of course she is sick. I have a trip planned with an agency and a group of older single/widowed ladies to go to NYC to see the Christmas decorations and do all the NYC festivities over the four day New Year's Eve weekend. I have never been to NYC. Heck, I have barely been anywhere. Of course, she is sick....funny how she always gets "sick" when something good happens in my life.

 

Lyndal answered...

I was glad I came across this page. Thought my feelings towards my mother were unacceptable. She has totally destroyed my life. Now, she has terminal kidney cancer that has spread and has become more burdensome then ever. I know this sounds so bad, but I just wish she would die! Iv felt so bad about how I feel, guilty that I feel this way about my own mother.... after all you are suppossed to love your mother, believe me I have tried, I have suppressed my own genuine feelings and pretended to be ok with all of this, afterall my brothers seem to think she is just wonderful.... so that made me question myself, maybe it was me with the issue.... no, it isnt.... she is controlling, manipulative and I want to be free from this. So what do you do... walk away from your mother who has terminal cancer, then you truly look like the bitch they all believe you to be, or stay and forget about any love of life in any way while she is on this earth.... I am already 51... I have already wasted so much of my life on this ungrateful human being.... what do I do!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

II would say help her til she goes, journal your thoughts, get a book by Peg Streep called Mean Mothers, and then you may feel better. She probably does appreciate deep down in her mind, but since you're next of kin she takes her anger out on you. Try not to feel so much resentment, it's hard on your body. Mine is still controlling, thinks I'll never marry anyway so she can have me as a right hand assistant to do what she wants and now she has osteoarthritis, and shouts on the phone without knowing it, angry at the world and then she compliments me and says I'm the best person she knows. After two days of being mad and getting done what she wants and needs...buys way too much stuff, that's the rub.

 

100% helpful
TGreat answered...

Wow I thought I was the only one dealing with this issue and I appear to be the same age as most people with this problem! My mother has spent her entire life manipulating people so that she is supported without having to provide anything in return. I spent my younger years working feverishly to be 'not like her' in any way. Unfortunately it has not worked out that way. She has epilepsy and has used that as a reason to not drive/work/shop/anything else she can think of. In my entire life at home I never once saw her have a seizure; they were well-controlled with her medication. I did not want to be a co-dependent adult so I worked hard to become as independent as possible as soon as possible which was fine until I got sick. I have lupus and a host of other physical problems that have landed me firmly in the 'disabled' category. I am now dependent upon my husband who, thankfully, loves and supports me through one after the other of my variety of health crises. My main problem is that I cannot get my mother to understand that I am far more disabled than she is and that I do not have the luxury of controlling when I'm having a flare or other problems. Thankfully we do not live in the same state; unfortunately she wields her phone as the mighty weapon it can be. She thinks of it as a leash rather than a means of communication. She calls me constantly; leaving message after message. I have explained over and over that I can't always answer her calls nor can I always return them immediately. I've explained that I don't owe her an explanation. I've explained that I am actually far sicker than she is and have been for a long, long time. I finally told her that I would call her at a specific day and time each week. Big mistake. She is the Queen of Passive-Aggressive so the first 3 times she was 'unavailable' for one reason for another. One time she was "busy eating pancakes and couldn't talk" lol. But since she is my mother I felt I should continue trying. Well then her husband got into the mess and answers my calls and heaps lavish praise and flattery upon me for 'being such a good girl and calling at the same time each week blah blah blah' and only after listening to all that garbage am i allowed to talk to my mother. Who then does the same thing. I'm 55 years old. I don't need to be manipulated that way. At any rate, I had a bad flare on the day before I was supposed to call her this week and was unable to make the call the next day. Too much pain and who can even think and talk when in that much pain anyway...not me. 15 minutes beyond my 'call time' and my mother was on the phone calling and calling and leaving message after message for hours. I've told her many times that if I'm too sick to talk I don't call nor answer the phone but she refuses to listen to me. Anyway, she manages to call right when I'm trying to sleep as well. I don't know how she knows but somehow her timing is impeccable in that area. I have not called her back yet and this is going on Day 3. Now that I am feeling better I am also feeling angry. So my solution is that I have blocked her number. When I am done feeling angry then i will call her and I will tell her that since she does not respect my boundaries I have blocked her number. She can still call and leave messages but unless I make a point to check I will not know that she has called. I will no longer be calling her at a specific day and time since she managed to disrespect that as well. According to her husband and her, her entire well-being and happiness is based on whether I call her or not. Baloney. It is all about manipulation. No more and no less. I don't do guilt and both of them are trying very, very much to play that guilt card but it just doesn't work on me. I'm not a mean person but I am an ill person and I can't predict when problems will flare and that's just how my life is. I have explained it to them again and again to no avail. And now it is done. I, too, anguished for a time over the whole 'honor thy parents' deal but God doesn't expect us to accept abuse in return. We are more important to Him than that. It is a rough road and a thin line to balance on but in my case my own mental and physical health is more important than allowing my mother to manipulate me. I still don't know when I was so suddenly made The Guardian of Her Happiness lol. Nobody gave me the opportunity to respectfully decline such an exalted position so I am doing that now. She and her husband will have to figure out their own plan of happiness minus me. It's all I can do to keep my own head above water as I cope with all the physical problems that have beset me these last few years. Boundaries. They are important and need to be respected. Find out what your boundaries are and defend them with grace and dignity because you deserve to be happy. I cannot care for my mother so if her husband dies then she WILL be going into a care home. Period. There is no option. I'm halfway there myself even though she refuses to acknowledge that.

 

Abbeycat answered...

I can't believe that there are so many of us out here dealing with mothers who are so demanding. I know how many of you feel....I am 64 and have been dealing with a narcissistic, critical, demeaning mother since I am a little girl. She never has been able to really take care of herself or her family and has depended on me since I am 8 years old. On top of her dependence on me, she controlled me with her mean manipulative ways and never allowed me as a child to really become and do what I wanted to. I look back on my childhood and have such anger in me that I allowed her to control me so much and be so mean, critical and demeaning to me. My father is no better either, leaving his family twice in my childhood with no means of support. Now, here I am 64 and am still dealing with her and him. I have to handle all of their finances because she almost lost their home due to not paying the property taxes. She lied to me for several years every time I asked her if she was paying all of their bills on time. What a mess I found when I started going through their bills!! So, now my sisters and I take care of their health care, their house, their bills, everything!! Her gratitude was at Christmas announcing that she thinks my brother is the only normal one out of her four kids. Please know that he does NOTHING!!! But he always was the golden boy. I have, like a lot of you, so much resentment and anger towards both of my parents. They have taken so much advantage of me and my two sisters. I am the oldest and have gotten the brunt of a lot of their marital and financial messes over the years. I just want to live my life and not have such a huge noose around my neck. Anyway, it's good to vent and know that I'm not alone.

 

xctension answered...

I don't know how to explain this. I am treated like this from my own mother who is 65 years old I am 31 years old. My 3 brothers get the brunt of it, there is one brother she treats as the "golden child" but me the only daughter is the scapegoat. I fell on hard times due to the economy and she constantly berates me for everything in my life. Due to the job issues and stress I went through with her, I was diagnosed with PTSD and had to go on mood stablizers. I was working as a teacher but I was laid off, and had to take a regular job. My mom critizes me on a daily basis belittling me. From my clothes, to my weight, to my friends, why I am not doing anything with my life etc etc. I pray the caregiver duties wont go to me, because I would put her mean & in a nursing home. I am a Christian but I am having thoughts when she dies while everyone is grieving for her I would rent out a club (even though I am not a club person) and have me a "Freedom Party" with bottles popping and selling all her stuff to Goodwill since she hoardes everything. I don't know what to do in this situation I get tired of the emotional abuse on a daliy basis and it is affecting my body worse dealing with a chronic disease. What I need to do? I tried ignoring, I tried agreeing, I tried speaking up, I almost feel like busting her in the face and go about my business. Since she thinks I am bad and evil anyways I just may give her a reason. I am sick of this I am in the process of renting a room in the town I work at in order to keep peace. What to do?

 

100% helpful
topazseas answered...

xctension... If you read through these posts you'll see example after example - these mothers never change. They never get better, or happier, or more accepting. Completely put it out of your head that you have anything to do with this situation. So your solution is going to have to exclude your mother as well. I have been ill all my life because of my mother's abuse and my father's threats of what he'll do to me if I stopped taking it. Starting with chronic fatigue when I was a kid, to fibromyalgia and PTSD now. She doesn't deserve your health handed to her on a silver platter. All she does, she does because it benefits HER. If you visualize every insult, every abuse, every act of undermining, as you pinching of a piece of your flesh, or an organ, or your sanity, leaving you gray and depleted, feeding it to her and watching her become pink and revitalized, you will see exactly what she is purposely doing to you. My mother has been feeding off me since I was 6 years old. I'm 58 and still dealing with the effects. I'm sure I'll be dealing with them long after she's dead. Yours won't stop. You have to stop it even if it means no contact. Save what little you have left.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I often have trouble with my mother; I am 18 and I am just about to leave home for college. These last few months should be spent making a few last great memories and instead they're spent rhyming with my mother. Our problems are not as bad as some I have read here but I still feel we need help.

Sometimes I feel like I am the adult in the relationship; I feel like I am the one who needs to be sensible and logical because I know my mother won't try to be those things. My mom will just do what she feels like without thinking ahead. Silly little things like which way to take home or having a snack before dinner are what we argue about most.

She has diabetes, fibromyalgia, and is overweight. She sometimes fights with depression as well. I often did myself trying to convince her to eat something healthy or hiding fatty/sweet stuff from her because I know if she finds it she will eat it without thinking of what it will do to her health.

Because she's had to take so many medications, when I was younger I often had to watch over her and sometimes make decisions for her and help her get to bed. As a result I think I can sometimes be too bossy with her; it's hard to go from basically being her nurse and telling her what to do, then back to being a daughter.

Now, I know I am not faultless. I have a temper, and sometimes I lose it but I often feel that it could be avoided if my mother didn't act like an eight year old. Sometimes when I'm trying to have calm discussion with her (rather than arguing; I take deep breaths, I speak slowly, I lower my voice, etc just trying to keep my temper on check) she will just sit there and ignore me. I'll ask her point blank if she's ignoring me and she still won't answer. This either makes me feel horrible or just angers me more to the point where I can't wait to leave home so I don't have to interact with her anymore.

What can I do to help this relationship?

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I can relate to so many of the experiences here. I particularly want to address gilbert1029 and his experience dealing with his mother. I'm 49, however, that's exactly what my experience with my mother was like growing up. She was kind sometimes, but extremely rigid and mean and unpredictable A LOT of the time. I don't think she understood that she was the mother and her job was to CARE for us. She acted like we were all on the same level and that if she provided motherly care to me that I should do the same thing for her. When she felt "down" she pouted and cried or raged about her needs not being met. Many an hour, I sat by her side patiently listening to all the ways that everyone had wronged her. My hope was that if I took care of her, she'd finally really see me and take care of me. Sadly, I'll share that it didn't work. Even though she always laid out a path for me that would allow me to be independent and be able to take care of myself by getting an education and a good job, once I actually did that, she started cutting me off -- not returning my phone calls, or criticizing the choices I made. She seemed jealous of the success I had in my life, even though she's the one who pointed me in that direction. I was all very confusing and hurtful. After I had my first child and I was still feeling hurt by slights, barbs and arrows from her, I finally decided to put my foot down and not let her manipulate me anymore. I decided to stop playing her games and to focus my energy on my own life instead of continuing to try to "fix" her. I finally decided that I didn't break her, so it wasn't my responsiblity to fix her. I know that if you're still at home, that your freedom is still a few years away... just try to survive until you can have control over your own life. That was my big goal -- head down and survive until I could get the hell out of the crazy house. Funny that she didn't then, and still doesn't, understand why no one wants to be around her. I feel sorry for her, but definitely not enough to put myself under her control. And even when she acts nice, it's always a ploy to get me close enough to manipulate me. I was sucker punched by her enough times to know to keep my distance. One of the other things that you mentioned was being the oldest -- I'm the oldest and I do feel bad that when I left that my younger siblings had to put up with her sh*t. I feel bad that I couldn't save them from her bad behavior, but then again, all of us have to survive and my job really was to take care of myself. I really wasn't able to save all of us. My sisters have done okay, but I do feel bad that my mother always putting herself first tore a huge hole in the family dynamics. The relationships between me and my sisters is not as easy and natural as it would be if she weren't so freaking selfish. We're all wary of being too close, as being close = getting hurt. Sad. Hang in there and get some counseling when you can. Your mother is damaging and it's her NOT you as she would probably have you think.

 

100% helpful
Myama answered...

Thank you all for being here and being honest about your frustrate pions and concerns. I am 64 now. For the first 44 years of life I let my mother make me feel totally stupid and worthless. My dad wasn't much better (he died when i was 30). They both favored the four boys in the family. At 44 I reached my breaking point and for the first and only time in my life I raised my voice to my mother and told her just what I thought. I left there feeling 200 pounds lighter. i never tried to keep my children from seeing her or forming their own opinions of her, and I never let them hear me say anything bad about her. But by the time each was 8 or 9 they had her figured out and didn't want to see her and refused to be with her by themselves.

She demeaned them as she did me, and when they saw her do that to them they also realized that is how she treated me.

I've long thought of mother as being a destroyer of dreams, a happiness crusher. She was very active in her church and they and the neighbors thought she was a saint. She was generous to them and to anyone else she thought she could control. She was generous to my brothers and by that she kept me tied to her apron strings. I moved out at 17 after she accused me of being selfish for not wanting to be her little slave. I put myself through college, worked my way up the corporate ladder, met a terrific guy (whom she called him, it and "your friend") for many years because she didn't like himas he'd been married before. 38 year later we are still happily married. For years she thought I was doing low end work, so you can imagine her surprise when I was named a director in a huge company that she had once worked for. "How did you get that?" Was her response.

Over the last 20 years I have tried at times to be a "good" daughter and do things with her and for her but it was never nearly enough in her eyes. I tried to let her get to know my grandchildren even though my children won't have a thing to do with her.

Now that she is elderly she says I owe her and that I cannot be a Christian and go to heaven if I don't. She leaves odd voice mails and sends strange notes. My brothers (who are still tied to her spring strings) say it is due to dementia. Well then, she's been suffering for it for more than 2 decades.

3 years ago I developed a series of health issues that required hospitalizations and surgeries, and I still kept working. Her constant nagging on me about the fact that I wasn't the. Spending any time it's her broke the camels back. I have not called her or seen her since except very briefly at a few family events like graduations and weddings.

My only regrets and guilt are that my brothers are taking care of her needs. None of me have ever been as financially successful as me so instead I send them money, which they accept, and they don't complain much since they all seem to need the money. I have searched my heart and the bible and counselor s trying to figure out how to forget--I long ago forgave her and accepted that she is simply who she is--I just can't stand being around her. I have to take anti-anxiety meds before even seeing her at family events.

So may we all find the peace and compassion that I think we are seeking.

 

100% helpful
WifeMotherChristian answered...

For all you women with STILL NOT EVEN MOTHER'S: Still Not Enough Means if you gave your last drop of blood...it would Still Not Be Enough! I am a god-fearing Christian woman of 49, and this started in childhood, my mother temporarly lives with me and this 13 months so far has been everything that most of you have described and then SOME! I have a great 2nd marriage and three wonderful children, but she is even trying to ruin that, since she moved in I too started taking anxiety meds. I have slowly moved beyond those not because they didn't help and work, but because I will be on meds and more meds if she stays! No, she must go, she is old and depressed, she talks daily of having a husband and traveling but she thinks her not traveling is due to the fact that I can't and have not paid for her to travel the world. She is depressed daily but she lets it out in the form of hatred for me and me ONLY! She's nice to my husband and kids just me her every bad minute is my fault - no matter what I do good it's what? STILL NOT ENOUGH! So my advice to you as I have taken is that once we find her, her own place (yes, she get's a pension she retired from the state of MI) I will break ALL TIES for at least TWO years. I broke ties before for 1 year, at least twice I did this and the samething, so I am resigning from the STILL NOT ENOUGH CLUB for two years and I mean a good two years. I have prayed about this and I want to live in peace and as nasty as she has been through the years I only wish her peace and me distance as far as the east is from the west, whew!

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

As I've been reading these comments my heart is just breaking for all the broken relationships between parents & their children. I am a daughter, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, niece, aunt & sister. I've encountered many personality types throughout my life & I understand the pain of being at odds with my own mother & at times my daughter. What has often helped me is to look within & to try & relate to others & understand them. Saying that is the easy part. Just remember that dysfunction carries from generation to generation unless you look it in the eye & say no more - I don't want that pain in my life & I don't want my children to experience or carry that pain. However you accomplish that is up to you & many of you have shared some incredible triumphs. Your stories are all inspiring to me. My mother died this year after a fight against cancer. In many ways she was a very giving & good person. But she also had another side that would be very shocking to her many friends & distant relatives who thought she was a saint. I've often felt guilty because I never thought she was. There were times that I thought she didn't love me. And times I didn't like her very much. But the last few years were good for us & I tried to always be there for her. I know now that she did love me & appreciated me. I've been able to give this all over to God and with His help I hope to be the best mother & grandmother I can be. Love & understanding is a powerful force. I wish that for all of you who shared your deepest feelings with such heartfelt honesty.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I've been reading these posts and feel like I know each and every person who wrote something. Only someone who is living or has lived through this experience can understand. To anyone else, it sounds too incredible and unbelievable to be true. I lost my mom, my best friend and life anchor four years ago and I miss her every single day. She was not perfect, and we had our ups and downs, but our relationship was real and honest and we loved each other unconditionally. I will always be grateful for that. What has eaten away at me the past 15 years, especially the past 5, was my father's behavior ... so selfish, so emotionally detached, so unwilling to do anything for the pure sake of making my mother (or anyone else in his family) happy. He refused to take any responsibility for his own health - which of course declined and resulted in a series of strokes, and seemed to enjoy doing the opposite of what he should be doing ... a very immature and childish way to behave. He had no regard for the mess he was leaving everyone else to deal with and refused all offers for proactive help. Like so many others, I sacrificed my own health, happiness, financial security, time with my children and husband ... to try and help him, and the thanks I got was hostility and anger. Yet, whenever he needed something, he expected me to take care of it johhny on the spot. Now he is in assisted living, all his needs are met, and he is as happy as he knows how to be. I am relieved yet still feel empty and defeated, as I accept that I will never know why my father was so unhappy and detached from his family. I know none of it is my fault, but it would've at least been nice to know why.

 

100% helpful
topazseas answered...

My mother died Oct. 4, 2013, Barely a month ago. I took care of her for the last 6 years. Her last coherent words to me were about what a big fat woman I am. The fibro she and my sister brought on and steadily aggravated is crippling me. I'll be in pain for the rest of my life. The mother is gone and the sister merrily skips through life obvious to how much like our mother she really is. Destructive, petty, selfish, manipulative, critical, users and takers who are resentful as hell when asked for ANYTHING. Your problems with a parent might seem impossible to break free of, but please remember, they will be gone leaving you with anger, regret, sorrow, emptiness, after years and years of servitude to them. Years you will never get back. Years you can never make up for. Dump them! In the end it won't matter anyway. They will never have been happy, or grateful. You will never have been good enough. Save yourself. You will be all you have after they're gone.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I spent a lifetime with a family who excluded me from everything to do with them even as a child. Now at 59 years old they have left it up to me to ensure my mother of 85 is looked after. She along with the rest of my family have always excluded me from everything and let me know I am not a part of them. I have her stay from time to time in which she "plays nice" for awhile and then lets it all break loose. On all accounts, I am the one that treats her best, really, because she is my mom. She is abusive and tries to pick fights. Tonight she tried to have a physical fight and not for the first time. This goes against everything in me. She used to get physical with my younger sister who passed away. At one time she physically assaulted me as an adult which goes without saying how my childhood was. I have to keep asking myself "why am I trying to help her now?"

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Oh I'm so sorry for all of you whose mother is in your minds difficult and unloveable. But have you never realised how lonely she is and the only way she's ever been able to garner attention be it good or mostly bad. Not everyone grew up being able to or comfortably socialise have usually through no fault of their own been given the label black sheep by family and others. Be on the receiving end of apathy long enough and you come it.

 

75% helpful
Abbeycat answered...

To the above comment, you should be sorry for all of us who were unfortunately given a "mother" who was "difficult and unloveable". You have NO IDEA what it is to grow up with a narcissistic person who one day pretends to like you and the next is threatening to leave you forever, who criticizes, demeans and makes fun of all your imperfect body parts and you imperfect character. Don't criticize any of us, we have all suffered more than you can ever imagine. I am 64 and still have the fear of her inside of me when ever we have any type of confrontation. I grew up walking on eggshells and still do to this day. So keep your "so sorry" thoughts to yourself and try to have a little more understanding for all the victims of narcissistic mothers and fathers that post on here. We all comfort each other.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Well I too have been through so much....Imagine a mother demanding "you DO love me, don't you"? "You DO miss me, don't you"??and demanding to hear the answers....whether truth or not...only an orchestrated puppet saying words she wanted to hear. So I found this site and realized, amen, am not alone on narcissist demands. I read alot of the things everyone wrote about and realized, I am not alone..amen..

But told my mother goodbye just a month or so ago (adoptive mother, not birth mother)...It had been building up for a long time....I had warned her, "if you force these words out of me, they may no longer mean anything eventually"...She did not care....

Everything in her life was an orchestrated stage...She told me "never tell your friends who you are, what you have, how you feel"...and I knew that was wrong...I love my friends, they know me for who I am...right or wrong or doing well or going through H....So, when I realized that she was saying "play a game", I sat back and watched....and woah....It was a game....She'd sit there in a room full of "lady friends" with this cold smug look on her face, and I realized, she really cared about no one, nobody...and if she wasn't the center of attention, she'd raise holy H....

Wow....and to this day, I never knew it until recently, when she got older, and so much more hateful, that she never really gave a rip about anyone...But I was concerned when she was failing healthwise, that something had to be done...Even the police came over to her apartment trying to get her into the ambulance, when she was doing SO bad, shit all over herself, refusing to believe things had gotten that far, and yes, I knew she was disgusted with her condition....But c'mon, having to get DSS involved?

Well long story short, she survived, had a pacemaker put in, and stayed in a rehab center for 6 months...and totally hated me for it....I am her ONLY living relative left, and she despises me....for what? I went to see her a month ago, go help her get a chair (yes, she got released from the rehab center, I arranged it)...and she was SO hateful and mean, that I told her I was done with her forever....

Truly...I recall her pissing in my yard years ago because she didn't like my boyfriend coming over to unlock the house when I forgot the key...Or how about when she deliberately gave away the birthday surprise my friends had arranged? Or how about the time when I spent a fortune on a special Xmas event very exclusive, only to have her pretend to "throw up in the bushes of the estate"???? There was NEVER ever any pleasing her...she hated my friends, and ran around naked in my house in front of my open doors and windows....Ok, something was wrong here...

I have let her go. But painful somewhat, not for what she did, but for the heart I lost, and the true goodness I had for her, that she met with a fight and hate every time...I FINALLY said, goodbye....And yes, like ya'll said, they have caregivers, that they put everything on...I checked to make sure they were cool and ok with that....But I feel sorry for her, so hateful that her own friends email me now and say "We can't stay around her long, as she gives us all headaches"...and this has been going on for years....This was NOT old age, just got worse later.

Anyhow, thank you for this site...

 

100% helpful
hidingfromevil answered...

Easy answer. Just put her in assisted living or a nursing home. That's what I did and now I sleep at night and have much more peace knowing that I am finally free of all her abuse. Don't help her, let her wear down, get sick and then into the hospital. Get the doctors and social worker on your side and they will help you transfer her directly to an assisted living. I used to have to lock my doors at night because I feared her coming over and killing me in my sleep. Her favorite name for me is a swear word and the assisted living social worker told me that I am the only one whom she abuses and she is rather nice to most everyone else but that my mother has a severe "behavior disorder". I've never done anything to deserve her abusive treatment she just never loved me from my birth (or so she told me). She is 88 years old and she will never change. My loving wonderful father died 10 years ago, he just couldn't take it anymore.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

Not too sure where to start. Today I had my 20 week scan and found out we are having a girl. I should be overjoyed that after a period of infertility we are expecting a healthy baby in April; however I can't stop crying. I have been trying to work through my feelings, and realised I am scared to death that I will become my mother! My relationship with her has always been troublesome and I've been left with a constant feeling of worthlessness - and I truly don't know how to be a good mother to a little girl. Years of negativity, put me downs and lack of affection have left me doubting my ability to become a good mum. A simple example of her recent behaviour, my husband and I told her we were expecting a baby and her first comment was 'you had better moisturise as you will be prone to stretch marks' - not quite the reaction we were expecting. I have always been her support, I helped her through two divorces, moved back home to help her when she was struggling to cope, make the effort to pop by or take her out each week. But it never seems good enough. I financed myself through university as according to her 'it was not my born privilege to go to university' and I have recently gained a masters. I never truly realised how much I resented her until the sonographer said we are having a girl - and I realised how scared I was of being just like her.

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I now think my elderly mom has had narcissistic tendencies for most of her life but I know that it's part nature-really bad OCD-and part nurture-a childhood with a lovable drunk dad wherein she ended up helping her mom raise her siblings; she started working at nine and never felt good about herself. She had to "toe the line" for many years because there was not much money, but once there was more household income, she was constantly spending and Dad worked 6 days a week to get away from her shrewishness. She babied the youngest sibling because she feared that sibling's lifestyle and now has a 50 year old living with her that has no income, etc. Now she has effectively spent her self out of her home and has to move and is fighting it. This is what we deal with! For those who feel they will never let a parent go into a nursing home, realize that it may be necessary if you can't handle their health issues. I and the other siblings know that if she needs any care she will need to go there as she is a big woman and we can't lift her! We do love her and care about her, but she's another person who feels that no one pays attention to her and that is very far from the truth! She continually tells me that I "do too much" for my own children and grandchildren when I only offer myself as backup when things go wrong: health issues, needed babysitting, etc. I must say that she's not a s bad as some that I've read about, but for example, whenever I had a special program for to attend (graduation, awards, etc)she found an excuse not to come. I guess that she was jealous, really. Sad.

 

DarlaP answered...

Hi I am 56 years old and currently going through a divorce right now and my mom calls me frequently and complains about everything to me She has really made me hate her for sure. She was a total bitch the whole time I was growing up and my brother who I have reason to suspect is gay, because he is 53 years old and has never had a relationship with any woman ever and spends every moment that he is not working with his beloved mother for sure Anyway my mom constantly compains to me about everything in my life and keeps asking me all kinds of questions about my upcoming divorce which is completely none of her business because I have met someone else and am completey happy now, happier than I have been probably my whole life I am glad i found this site anyway because it tells me that others out there are going thru the same thing i am for sure.

 

100% helpful
SandyEggo answered...

Wow. What I have learned reading these stories and other resources on the web. I have been going through a 7 year odyssey that has landed me at a point of total despair. I don't know what I am going to do to escape. In 2006 I was happily married and had a well paying position in the IT field. My father's health was deteriorating and I had to make several out of state trips to help with him. These trips interfered with my job and I began becoming very stressed out. Soon, I found myself fighting for my job and I was pushed out. Then, with finances becoming difficult and my wife and I being in the middle of a complete home remodel, our marriage stressed. Soon, my wife filed for divorce and I feel into depression. I moved to help with my father while the divorce ensued.

I am the only child. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. My mother never remarried while I was growing up. So, after my father passed away I returned home to California. Our million dollar beach community home sold, I was left with some savings but no job and no home. My mother offered to let me get on my feet and so I moved in with her. This is now during the 2010 recession and I cannot get a job interview. I decided to return to college to expand my education and get a business degree.

This is the period in my life where I began learning about my mother, how I was raised and why I am in many ways, the way I am. In a way it was a good learning experience. But as time passed I began to see the ugly things of my childhood. I learned why my ex-wife did not like my mother. She would say "it's all about Beth." Now I know what she meant. My mother is a narcissist. I first came across that when I tried to learn why she always turns a conversation to herself. That is called a "conversational narcissist." Rather than a "support response" a conversational narcissist typically performs a "shift-response," which means they redirect the topic to themselves. All conversations revolve around them. They are not interested in you, you are supposed to endure their often old stories and repetitive responses which are usually born out of poor self-esteem. The have no empathy. Eventually they have no friends. And as an only-child I get a dose of her chronic "me me" look at "me me" crap that it's hard to want to be around her.

She even gets mad that I have college work to do. Our arrangement was that I would do somethings around the house and I do keep up the chores. In fact, I feel just like I did growing up. It was housework before homework. Literally it was more important to my working mom that I do all the house chores than her. This goes back to when I was 11 years old and did the laundry by carrying the laundry with a red wagon across a very busy highway. I was never encouraged by my mother to get a college education. My father wanted me to, but the "song and dance" between the two always fighting over child support, made my dad bitter. He said he would pay for college if I moved in with him. I was trapped between competing loyalties. I eventually started a successful business at age 20, but failed 5 years later. Anyway, I am now in my 50's taking care of an 89 year old mother who I do not like, but I guess I love. I don't know why I love her. She never threw me a birthday party. She never came to watch me at any school play, sport or even my Jr high, high school or college graduation. She is a worry-wart. A person who is charming to others to put on a facade, but a tyrant at home. She plays games and expects me to read her mind. She cannot get herself to ask "please" or say "thank you." She is the laziest person I have ever known. She doesn't want to lift a finger for anyone else. I never have liked her cooking, yet she continues to spend 6 hours a day making God knows what, that she enjoys, and then ranting on me that "you never eat anything that I make!" Well, I don't like anything that she makes and I have never enjoyed her food. There is not one thing that she cooked during my lifetime that I crave. I became a very good cook because I had to cook for myself as a child or eat TV dinners and fast food.

She still has a drivers license and shops at some local groceries. Although she recently drove her car through a chain link fence and did donuts in a field. She told the police the accelerator stuck. I know she is getting to where she doesn't know the brake pedal from the gas. I do drive her to some appointments and sometimes to groceries. But now she wants me to drive her all the time, but only because she doesn't want to have to use her walker. All I end up doing is getting her a shopping cart and then she is fine. The fact is she is vain and lazy, so she doesn't want to bother with using a walker and being seen using one. If she really needed my help shopping, other than to fetch a shopping cart, I would no resent it. But I resent the game and denial that she is in that she needs to be independent as long as she can be. Using me to just get a shopping cart is the height of laziness.

She spends 6 or more hours a day in the kitchen. I don't even eat at home anymore because I can't get any "kitchen time." Even when I do cook, I don;t enjoy all her peeking over my shoulder and asking me what I am making, where I bought it and then why didn't I tell her I was going to the store. She never has asked me if I want something from he store when she goes. She just silently drives away. She wants to keep her secrets but wants me to share everything.

The worst part is that when I suggest that I move out, she gets angry. I never wanted to get into this. She says I am leaving her and that she will have to sell the house and spend all the money for nursing care. I don't know what to say. I guess I could say, who cares or do it. My dad left me some money so I am okay. My mom is jealous, and I can tell. She recently said "I have $50,000" in the bank that will go to you. I replied, I am not going to hold my breath. You are going to need that money to pay for home-care. I am not counting on an inheritance. She spends all kinds of money on vitamins and supplements, maybe $200 a month. Buys all kinds of crap from mail order companies. Goes out shopping on crap just for something to do. I don't care, but I wish she would quit complaining about money after she spends $50 for 2 pounds of bacon from some mail order outfit.

I am at my wits ends with this selfish narcissist. I had to pay to have my teeth straightened in my 50's, to get my education, to learn social skills. While I grew up with crocked teeth and bully's picking on me in school, my mother had no trouble spending money on herself, trips to beach vacations and other things.

Any thoughts?

 

100% helpful
designomoly answered...

This is one of the longest posts I have ever seen and seems to show that there is a global problem. I am just another 50 something woman whose 80 something year old mother is a nitpicking controlling [PROFANITY REMOVED]. Most women are saying their troublesome mothers have always been controlling but I wonder if age doesn't worsen it. Someone suggested to me that when a narcissist ages, and they lose power, their controlling behavior gets worse. They are jealous of their daughters' still competent maturity, and will do anything to feel in control of you just for a moment. I also wonder how often this goes with abuse. An older woman who has alienated her other children through her unpleasant nature, and dumped all her troubles on one child, may drive that person to retaliate in kind. When this happens it is neither fair to judge them for a way of behaving they were taught, nor for submissiveness, which the controlling mother has also taught them. My mother is obdurate. I have told her that her whining is annoying and her criticism hurtful and she doesn't stop. she has never been the kind to really reflect on her effect on others. She is in essence, emotionally retarded. The most effective thing I did was move in with someone else, telling her I did not need to live with her. She began to treat me with greater kindness, and hinting that she wanted me to return. I did so and within two weeks she was back to her abusive belittling behavior, even though we live in separate sections of the house with own bathroom and kitchen and our paths need not cross. I just wonder why some mothers are like this and I think it is because they were controlling types. they enjoyed total power over us when we were small and vulnerable... and trained us to be submissive, and now they add to this meanness, the petulant critical whining of a control freak who is no longer able to stay ahead of the game mentally, no longer able to bully and dominate due to their quick wit and faster ability to lie their way out of any tight corner, and not being able to stay ahead mentally, they double up on the complaints, attempting to cut us down to size. Men offer advice but its known that by and large most leave this job up to the women in the family. thus more often than not an aging woman is taking care of an aged mother who has no one else to care for her because she is so unpleasant. it is an awful situation to be in, and self protection is the only way to deal with it. I said to my mother I was not prepared to put up with unpleasantness and I would leave if she doesn't stop and she knows enough of which side her bread is buttered to immediately pull back the claws. but lo and behold, I find the boundaries must be policed, and the the treat me as I wish or I leave ultimatum has to be held up for years because they do not change, it is disheartening, exhausting and its so hard to love them, I don't care anymore. Sometimes I despise and loathe her. its OK, I'm only human, its a problem of her making not mine..... but there is always some self righteous tosser telling me to honor the nasty old cow, and there is a lifetime of suppressed rage at the abuse and the harm she's done that boils close to the surface

 

100% helpful
sunsetEST answered...

I am 51 year old woman who is still seeking my mothers approval, for what reason i don't even know and it is really turning me into a very bitter person who is letting it and has let it destroy most of my meaningful relationships. I grew up with 4 brothers , 3 older and 1 younger. My mother was actually a loving, kind ,gentle woman until my dad cheated on her , i was around 11 yrs old. I suddenly became,i think a reminder of another girl in my dad's life. But i am not sure and she will never admit to that or doing anything wrong. When i had my first son my dad brought me up pajamas not a nighty or nothing like that and she went off, that is not right and really caused a scene and my husband and i knew it was perfectly appropiate and in no way were any weird lines crossed. I miss my x because he witnessed alot but i could confide in him and he was usually very kind and hated to see what my mom would do to me. He often told me to sever any ties with her which i would wish i could do with my whole family. They are bullies..As i was starting to grow into a young woman she was not gonna let that happen gracefully for me. She constantly accused me at age 14 of having sex, i had not yet had sex and didn't until my many years later and also did always take precautions and wasn't some careless ho..This was not my issue but all the accusations and name calling became unbearable and so embarassing. She would say these things in front of my friends and also in front of my brothers too. I just realized that she never did it in front of my dad but he wasn't around enough so i literally just discovered this as i am writing.My dad seemed to have a lot of problems with my mother that clearly i was not privy to and always thought my mom was right because how could my dad leave her, us? Well anyway this woman continued to say and do abusive things until at 17 i had to move out.Her hair pulling and wacks became to much i also turned to drugs and alcohol .A problem i still have to deal with although i am sober, i am an insecure self loathing individual. I got married in 1988 , had 2 lovely boys of my own, broke the cycle of abuse until my oldest son who had a child of his own had to move back in and that was 3 years ago and i feel a lifetime. My son took after my x husband and at 22 it was pretty obvious he was an alcoholic. My kids dad passed in 07 from alcoholism and though we were divorced he really was someone who knew my true inner self and i miss that man i married but he left me and my boys in a financial tear. He never had a will so we lost our home to the state of NH even though he owed me over 15k in child support. No atty would take my case and but that doesn't matter anymore. So Back to my mom, she never really treated my brothers badly although she did hit them but she never did to them what she did to me emotionally. I resent her, she competes with me and hates when anyone gives me positive attention, they must have an angle because who would love me for me, not her that's for sure. Recently I have had to ask her for money because i am unemployed right now but hopefully not for long, and she makes sure my brothers and their families know that i have asked her for some money until i can get back on my feet. She owes me nothing and i know that but i have no where else to turn.Her and my brothers make me out to be something i am not and i am so tired of being judged by all of them that i don't even want anything to do with any of them and i am also aware that , that sounds horrible. She also loves that my brothers now all married with families of their own, look down at me like a screw up i never expected to be in such financial mess, but here i am !!! I rec